What has happened to my relationship with my Mum

[drivinmecrazy]

Until my dad died in July, my mum and i were really close and had a fantastic relationship. I was also very close to my dad, whereas she had quite a rocky time with him. She has recently moved full time to their home in Spain where we visited her last week. It felt as though she could barely look at me, snapping and putting me down almost constantly and for the first time ever critising how we are bringing up our girls. It even seems to extend to my DD2 (3), who she couldn't be harder on. DD2 can be a little bit sprited, but she was so hard on her. DD1 (7) can do no wrong and is definately favourite grandchild.
It was the first time I had been to their home in spain since Dad died, so found it very emotional seeing all his stuff, photos etc. Mum made me feel so awful for getting upset and actually seemed quite angry about it.
Despite all of this she was lovely to DH and DD1.
I am wondering if it is because DD2 and I were so close to my Dad, and maybe because DD2 looks so much like dad, and has his mischivious spirit. It has made me feel totally isolated and alone within the family, can barely bring myself to speak to her on the phone at the moment

[lingle]

sorry to hear you've been so badly treated. Clearly she's going on a major emotional journey here. One day she will realise what she's doing to you and I hope you can forgive her even if she never asks for forgiveness.

You are so lucky to have always been close to her.

[arcticlemming]

I would ask her (gently and tactfully). Something along the lines of "you seemed quite angry with me - have I done something to upset you? Maybe in a letter, or email, so she has a chance to think of her reply.

It may give her an opportunity to acknowlege any feeling of anger towards you, but also think about how she's behaving. I'm sure if you've always had a good relationship she also feels bad about it, and it would be a shame to let any resentment linger.
Alternatively, do you think she could be depressed (which quite often comes out as anger)?.

[Wigglesworth]

She is obviously going through a hard time, as I am sure you all are, my sympathies. If you have always been close to her couldn't you ask her what's wrong? You said they had a rocky relationship, maybe she feels guilty now that he is gone and actually misses him terribly. Just be patient and give her time, offer your support and share your feelings with her about your grief and encourage her to do the same. Good luck x.

[ReallyMuddled]

Sorry to hear about your Dad's death.

In my experience, grief can make people behave in unexpected ways, and for no real reason. Aside from and beyond the sadness and loss, its tentacles reach into all kinds of areas you don't expect: it can make you forgetful, give your physical symptoms, and make you pour orange juice in your tea and put the milk in the oven (both of which I've done).

One thing I've especially found is that it makes people grumpy, irritable and short-tempered, sometimes for no discernible reason. These things are in fact classic symptoms if grief. It can also be very hard to witness the people you love in pain, and many times I'm wished crossly that a family member hadn't phoned me when they were upset, because it hurts so much to hear it. Maybe this is what's making your mum intolerant of your pain.

Though I can't know how you or your Mum are feeling or why she's behaving this way, I just thought it might be comforting to know that the way she's acting might not be caused by anything in particular.

In my personal experience, it does get better if you just heed the old cliches: one step at a time, one breath at a time.

[unavailable]

I agree with other posters that it is likely to be her grief that is causing her to bahave like this. Does she have friends and a support system in Spain, or is she quite isolated?

[drivinmecrazy]

She has lots of support in Spain, but is not one to talk about emotions with others. In hind sight, think she is having a hard time adjusting. She got rid of loads of Dads stuff in UK & Spain really quickly after he died. Even on the way to his funeral in the car she was making small talk as if we were going out to lunch. Don't think I have even seen her cry.
Until few years ago dad worked in Middle East and she stayed here while we were at school so she became very independant, but i do think she is struggling making major decisions on her own for the first time. She's buying a new car and can't even decide which colour to go for.
She has said that she doesn't want us to go over for christmas this year, as she just wants to spend the day with her friends. Sometimes it's as if she's completely shutting herself off from us. Don't think it helps that she adores my brother but he rarely phones her and only goes over once a year.
It's just so sad because whenever I miss my Dad or get upset, I would love to have my mum put her arms around me and comfort me, guess we never really stop needing our mums

[LaTrucha]

My mum died four weeks ago and I can certainly say that one of the effects it has had on me so far is that I have muhc less patience than before. I don't really understand why but maybe your mum is suffering something like this?

[purpleduck]

If your dad worked until recently, then maybe she feels "robbed" that your dad died before they had a long retirement together.

Maybe, and I say this in the gentlest possible way, but maybe she needs more support from you...?

Sorry about your dad