My Husband is on the Sex Offenders Register

[atterual]

God where do I start? Im in a terrible situation. I had noly known my husband a short while (a matter of months) when he rang me from work to say he was coming home with the Police. He had apparently been accessing adult porn on his computer at work and the IT dept had spotted it and when they looked into it, he had been downloading porn and with the downloads came some child porn. So I was obviously horrified, police took away our computers, cameras, phones etc. To cut a long story a little shorter, he was eventually only given a caution and put on the Sex offenders register for 2 years due to the fact that they had only found so few images (78) and that the images were of very low risk. Call me stupid, but after eveything had dieddown and I relaised what had downloaded had not been his fault it had come down with legitimate adult porn, I eventually agreed to marry him. He lost his job obviously and got another one. Within 5 months of us getting married the police turned up again, the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job. This crap in my life has been going on for two years. He was finally taken to court for this second thing and fined and put on the register another 5 years. I have asked him to leave and he went and got a bedsit during the time we were waiting to hear if he was going to court. For some stupid reason I then said he could come back and we would try to put things behind us and move on, but I just cant. I need him to leave again, I cant live with what he may or may not have done. I dont think hes a bad person, I dont believe he wanted to acccess child porn, he certainly never paid for anything, not even adult stuff, but the seed of doubt is in my mind now and I dont trust him and I certainly dont love him and can no longer have any sexual realtionship with him. Im just so weak and frightened of asing him to leave again. please help me.

[midnightexpress]

You poor thing - how awful. But you sound pretty determined that it's over from your OP. Why are you frightened of asking him to leave? Frightened of what he'll do, or frightened about being on your own?

[lisad123]

sorry but 78 images seems a lot, considering its a mistake . Go with your gut, its normally right. Do you have kids?

[mankymummy]

Is the porn the reason you feel like this or is it something else?

[atterual]

Hi. Im frightened of feeling sorry for him and giving in to him again. Like I said hes not a bad person, but this is effecting my life so much now. i have a 15 year old son who wants his girlfriend to stay over (all up and above board of course, they wont be sharing a room at that age) but morally I should tell her parents about Steve, but thats just going to open a huge can of embarrassing worms

[atterual]

I have a 25 year old Son whos married with a child and one on the way, so I have nearly two grandchildren now. (Im 49 BTW) and a 15 year old son. I should never of married him, I know I shouldnt have now.

[girlandboy]

Have no real answers to this, though if you say you don't love him/trust him then the relationship sounds done for.
As midnight says, why are you frightened to ask him to leave? Are you frightened of him?

[a11]

DS girlfriend can simply not stay at your house. You owe that to her. 78 images is a lot in my opinion and I find it hard to believe they arrived by accident.

[atterual]

thanks for the hugs, god knows I need them, Im so annoyed with myself for leaving things so long. The porn side of it is one thing - that he felt he wanted to look at other women when we had a perfectly normal sex life at that stage and the child thing just horrifies me.

[missjennipenni]

How likely is it though, that you get done twice for "accidently" having child porn?

Wouldnt his memory stick been permenantly confiscated or wiped by the police? Do they really just hand your stuff back with the offending stuff still on it?

[Saturn74]

"the stupid sod had used memory stick (which he still had) on his computer at his new job and there were still some images on that which then flagged up to the IT dept at the new job"

I think you are very trusting to believe that this is true.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I understand you wanting to end the relationship - I think I would feel the same.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to plan your next move?

[missjennipenni]

For the gf situation, if you feel embarassed an dyou want to save your son from his friends fidning out, id just say no to the GF staying over.

[jumpingbeans]

Trick me once, shame on you, trick me twice shame on me.
I would not feel happy to share my life and my son's life with someone has been twice put on a sex offenders list

[georgimama]

what kind of idiot sits and looks at porn at work? Every office I have ever worked in you would get sacked for that anyway so he obviously has no judgment whatsoever, even if he isn't a peado.

I really doubt that if you look at ordinary adult porn, even hardcore stuff, it comes with free child porn as some kind of BOGOF offer. He looked at that on purpose.

[missjennipenni]

If child porn came attached to normal porn, think how many men would be caught with it!

[atterual]

I have done alot of research on this since its happened and he downloaded from Limewire. I have tried to download music from this site and it is awful the way that even if you just put in Michael Jackson Thriller, you end up with alot of versions of the song but also things like - Young girls frist thrilling experience!!! It is possible to not know whats coming down.

[Boco]

It does seem strange and unlikely that child porn just accidentally came with adult porn doesn't it? And all free stuff? Surely. And doing it twice! What on earth sort of office does he work in?

If you don't love or trust him then it is definitely time to ask him to leave.

[jumpingbeans]

Then why do it again?

[Blu]

Oh dear, Atterual, what a horrible time you have had.

I do think you are very very right to finish the relationship, and bak contact with hi. I am sure he has goo aaspects to his character, and maybe it is those that are making you feel a little sorry f him and weak about throwing him out. But, to b brutal, it does sound as if you have been given a slighty watered down version. 78 images is a lot, to my mind. I don't think child porn inages do come by accident with regular porn o millions of men would be done ofr this, it would be routine! And despite police intervention he took care to save those images on his memory stick, and is so addicted or drivn or obsessed to view them, that he risked everything once again to view them. He wasn't 'stupid', he is driven to view that stuff.

And all of that is a masive betrayal of you, and the loyalty you have shown him.

He has no doubt also played on your generosity and kindness.

You have gine through ahorrible and deeply traumatic experience - why not look fo some experinced professional suport to help you? I am sure your GP could arrange counslling fo you, and i believe Realte offere counselling to women needing to finish marriages? You can go alone wihout him. Otherwise, i wnder if Women's Aid would help you?

Good luck - none of this is your fault, but if you don't get out now it could ruin you whole life.

[missjennipenni]

but you have to click on them to actually download the offensive stuff! I use limewire, and have managed not to download porn.

[atterual]

the house is mine, it was mine before me met. He owes me around £10 for credit cards which I paid off for him. Oh god themore I thinka nd type all this, themore I know Im being so bloody stupid.

[missjennipenni]

I hope you can move on and start a new life where you can be comfortable having your grandchildren & children around you without feeling uncomfortable or worried. YOu need to do this sooner rather than later.

how will he feel/react if you leave him?

[missjennipenni]

£10 or do you mean £10k?

[titfortwat]

I agree with the others.78 is alot and the police wouldn't just investigate and put in on the register for nothing.

The memory stick - he must of known what was on the thing. If he felt that bad and ashamed about the whole thing , he would have binned it.

You have Grandchildren on the way too. It is always gonna be at the back of your mind. What if?

Thank god you have no children together.

What do your children have to say about all this?

[atterual]

Ive had some counselling, the counsellor seemd to want to home in on my relationship with my mother fro some unknown reason, even though my sole purpose for being there was my husbands behaviour.