Do we ever make the kind of friendships as adults that we forged as kids?

[Maveta]

I have 2 best, best friends that I have known since i was about 14. We only hung around loosely at school, mostly after school but I was more on the fringe of their group iykwim. We went to uni together but had our own groups of friends and maintained our friendship apart from that. Now we are 30 and they live near each other (but still quite independant lives) and I live in another country. We love each other to pieces, we talk when we can, we so far have managed to see each other once a year, we Skype etc etc.

They know me, they love me, we have never really argued apart from drunken bickering about god knows what ridiculous topic. They know my bad points and love me anyway.

I have one other friend like this, that I met when I was 18. A similarly independant friendship that just survives and survives. No obligations, no ´you should have´, ´why didn´t you´, no tit for tat or stupid misunderstandings.

But although I have (and have had) many friends since, some closer, others less so, I often find them eventually falling by the wayside. And I feel sad at having invested time in a friendship just to find, like a relationship, that it hasn´t ´worked out´.

Does anyone else find this?

[IAteDavinaForDinner]

Absolutely.

The only "best friend" I think I still have is someone I met on my first day at uni. We can go months without talking and yet it's fine. We just get each other.

Otherwise people I am friends with tend to be through circumstance rather than choice. That sounds terrible, but I mean that I have good friends at work but I don't go out much or have a lot of spare time to socialise with others.

I think the thing with friends is that you change, they change, and you are not the same people over time. It depends on whether you are making these changes together or in opposite directions. I don't feel sad about investing the time though - friendships aren't about that, they're about being around people who make you happy, surely?

[solidgoldskullonastick]

Well I never see anyone I was friends with before the age of about 19: moved on, went in different directions etc. I've made good friends subsequently who have been close for a time but then we all moved on, did different things, drifted apart etc - there are some people who I haven't seen for years but would probably be able to fall straight back into friendship with, some I can't imagine having anything to say to now.

I think some people hang on to crap friends out of inertia, as well: you've known each other for so long that you forgive all kinds of bullshit when actually the friendship is long dead and you have nothing in common and don't even like each other much.

[Jux]

I've always been of the opinion that people come and go in our lives according to our need - subconscious that is. I have gained hugely from friendships, long term and fleeting, while they lasted, and have no idea how much they may have influenced me, changed me (hopefully for the better) or how much I might have lost if I had not known those people. I feel immensely privileged in having friends no matter how short the time might have been. The saddest thing about your post is that you feel that a friendship 'hasn't worked' if you lose touch before you die.

[hatwoman]

totally. I met my two dearest friends in the first year of senior school and the first year of university. I also made some other very dear friends that I am still in touch with from both school and university. I consider them all my "main" friends. No other friendship since has even got close to the wider circle of school/uni friends. let alone the best two. sometimes I too feel sad about not making new friends - but sometimes I feel a bit overwhelmed and lucky to have these people close to me that I adore so much - and who I know will remain friends for life.

[beanieb]

I don't have any friends from when I was a kid. Moving about a lot means I didn't keep in touch. I also find it hard to maintain friendships now, and have to really click with someone to be a full on friend.

[misssmilla]

I have a best friend I have known since i was 3! She was my next door neighbour and we grew up together, fell out, made friends again, went to different schools, shagged eash others boyfriends (not cheating , after relationships had ended) lived miles away, now at other ends of country but still one of my best friends.

Also just made another best friend at the age of 30! Love her to bits just like my other besty!

Friends do come and go, and that is hard, but the bestest of friends are there for you when the shit goes down and don't judge.

Thought my husband was my best friend until he abused me, now I have to reconcile to the fact that he will probably never have that role again.

[Maveta]

solidgoldskull.. yes i think that´s my point, I don´t hang on to friendships that have had their moment and while i enjoy them while they last it seems a shame that, actually, few if any have actually survived the years apart from my ´main 3´.

Those three have, but why? We are as different, if not more so, from each other than more recent friends. And many people find the same.. why do we manage to keep the connection with the older friends and not (often) manage to find it and maintain it when we are older?

Jux - It´s not that i feel it hasn´t ´worked´ because we´ve lost touch, it´s when the friendship actually turns sour or dies or whatever - just that it´s a shame when you thought you might have met another of your kind of ´great´mates and then it just doesn´t turn out like that.

[Maveta]

misssmilla - sorry to hear about your dh - but i wouldn´t count dh anyway, he´s my best mate in that way your dh can be but it´s not the same as your proper mates.. iykwim?? Glad you´ve made a new besty

beanieb - i moved about a lot as well and do wonder if it´s me that flits about and changes friends, maybe when we were younger we put more effort in than we do now? Maybe we nurtured friendships more and so they have a more solid base. Whereas now with dps and dhs and dcs it´s hard to be with new friends in the same way.

[bellavita]

I have a "best" friend - she moved into the next street to mine when we were 9. Went to school together and college together. We talk now and then, see each other if we can in the hols, but it does not matter to either of us if we don't talk or see each other for a while - we just carry on as if it was yesterday that we spoke.

I also have another friend (DS1's godmum) she lives in America now and up until last year had not seen her for 7 years although we keep in touch via e-mail, newsletters etc, but again it was just like yesterday when I saw her and I think this is the sign of true friendship and funnily enough we both commented on this fact.