My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do you - if indeed you ever do reconcile your feelings towards OW, X & DC?

115 replies

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 16/10/2008 18:46

OW is a person whom XH was with before we split up (it came to light some moths after we split but he'd been seeing her for a while) she is in essence (althou not the only reason granted, but she is a big factor in why he left.
XH & I have always maintained we wanted to meet the respective partners, and both want to see how they interact with DS. but my feelings somewhat have changed for this.

XH initially started trying to be controlling and intimidating about the issues.

The longer this is going on (as in me thinking about things) the more i'm starting to think, I can't handle watching her (the woman who split the family unit up) walking off with MY (ok ours but you know what I mean) my DS, to play happy families with him. angry

i'm actually quite upset about it, as for her/XH - I don't care, but I can't stand the thought of her/them playing happy families with my son.

I'm with someone new, who's lovely, he's said he has no interest in meeting XH but XH is quite insistent, DP says he will, but only for me, and if XH shows me some respect. (not likely - why change the habit of 8 years! lol)

anyhow, there's also the angle of, neither XH or I have any rights over who the other goes out with, nor do we have any rights on the partners who is involved with DS's life - althou we've both said would only introduce if it was serious. (DP has met DS once for an hour to play football in the park - but he's forgotten as soon as he met him iycwim) DP & I are relatively serious anyhow.

I'm not too sure what i'm asking really. as long as DS is happy I am, it's gonna be hard enough listening to him telling me how great she is

OP posts:
Report
spiderpig · 16/10/2008 19:04

I do so sympathise with you

However unfortunately there is very little you can do

Ideally you and your x would be able to sort out these issues between you, but if things did get nasty/difficult then I'm afraid you have very little say as to who your ds sees on his time with his dad as indeed he doesn't have much say as to who your ds sees in his time with you

I do realise how difficult this must be for you though

Report
solidgoldskullonastick · 16/10/2008 19:11

Thing is, your XH has a point when he says he wants to meet the man who is going to be spending time with his son. Just as you have every right to meet his new DP as she will be spending time with your son.

You don't have to like her but unless she is actually a danger to your son (violent, a drug addict or alcoholic, or you have proof that she is neglectful of him ie he comes back from visits unfed or hurt or filthy with no good explanation) you can't stop her being there when your DS sees his father. And if there is the tiniest spark of temptation towards claiming that she is an unfit person to be around your DS just to give her and your XH shit, don't even think about it, the consequences would be pretty grim all round.

Yes it is upsetting and annoying, but it will get easier in time and while MN is great for ranting on, the reality is that you just have to accept the situation (that your XH has a new partner and she is going to be involved in your son's life).

Report
2rebecca · 16/10/2008 19:18

I don't feel I have any "right" to police who my ex goes out with, and would be very annoyed if he wanted to vet who I saw or implied my husband was not suitable in some way. How do you decide if someone is "suitable"?
I think you have to accept when you separate that you don't have total control of your children any more and trust their other parent to get sensible. Stepmothers actually abuse children far less than stepfathers so your ex has more concern to be worried about your new partner than you his.
This isn't about your kids, it's about your feelings about his new partner which for the sake of your kids you do have to rise above.

Report
Anna8888 · 16/10/2008 19:22

I have only met my partner's ex-wife once - at my elder stepson's Bar Mitzvah, where it was totally impossible that we avoid one another.

Quite honestly I cannot see why anyone would bother to "meet" their ex's new other half unless there was some huge problem over the children.

Report
CountessDracula · 16/10/2008 19:24

Well speaking from experience (as a child) I can only say that my friends whose parents and new partners were at loggerheads were very unhappy.

My parents were quite the opposite and I am sure I suffered a lot less as a result.

Even when my father ran off with someone when I was 10 my mother still saw her (old family friend, they had had an affair previously before I was born too) and never showed any animosity towards her in front of us. I guess that must have taken a lot of courage and selflessness on her part.

All I can say is put your feelings aside and think of your dcs

Report
Anifrangapani · 16/10/2008 20:01

I think CountessD is right. You will have to rise above your animosity for your DCs sake.

I know this can be difficult.... I still have violent revenge fantasies about my Dh's OW and we are still together, so I can only imagine that it is doubly difficult for you as she was instramental in your marital split.

You don't have to like her, just civil when your Dc is about.

Good luck

Report
solidgoldskullonastick · 16/10/2008 21:09

I think it's reasonable to want to meet a co-parent's new partner before your DC stay overnight with your XP-and-new-partner in the same way that (with young-ish children anyway) you would want to meet, at least briefly, the parents of any of the DC's friends before they have a sleepover.

Report
mmelody · 16/10/2008 21:16

I think its hard enough trying to redifine a relationship with an ex without having to negotiate a partner too. I think its weird wanting to stay involved with each others lives. You should move on and keep your lovely new man to yourself in my opinion. As long as you and ex are civil/friendly to each other then I dont see why you all have to meet up just for the sake of it... of coure your paths will cross at some point as you have a child but keep at that.. an occasional cross of paths.

Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 07:55

Not meeting your ex's other half does not have to equate at being at loggerheads - on the contrary, it is a good way of avoiding any potential conflict or animosity. You just don't go there.

Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 07:56

In fact, what I like about not knowing my partner's ex is that we don't have to pretend in front of the children (which I think would be a very dangerous thing).

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 09:31

thanks for the input guys,

I don't want to pretend to like the woman, I have no desire to like nor be friends with her - in my eyes as I say she broke the family apart (well her and XH) even thou it's over a year I still feel raw about it all in many ways.

I don't think there will be any issues about her not looking after DS - she's v v young, which I worry about, and XH said not to worry as she's used to 'babysitting her cousins' forgive me but watching your cousins for a few hours is in a different league to looking after a child in a 'parental' capacity.

I'm trying so hard to do the best thing for DS, and XH & I don't want DS to be able to play us off of each other as it were - obv he will do to an extent thou. but we want DS to see us as a united front. but at this moment in time I know for a fact I can't meet them with DS & watch them walk away with my boy. I realise XH will to an extent be thinking the same about DP & I - but then again I only met DP 5 months ago.

Solid - agree what you're saying re the whole before he stops over, but at the minute XH comes and stays in my house while I leave - I've told him however in absolutly NO uncertain terms she is NOT ever going to be staying in MY house (yes it's mine not ours) in MY house with MY son, like that no way no how, (she's not local) he said he understood, and wouldn't anyhow. when we move from here i've decided I don't want XH staying over for the weekend when I leave so we'll have to make other arrangements.

to meet her or not? how do you get past the resentment and hostilities towards the situation? XH said she'd be civil - well yes she would wouldn't she she's succeed in breaking up my family unit. she has what she wants!

OP posts:
Report
solidgoldskullonastick · 17/10/2008 09:40

Spandex, have you had any kind of counselling since splitting up with your XH? It might help you move on, which you have to do for the sake of your DS.
I think what you have to accept is that the past cannot be changed and trying to punish this woman will acheive nothing. Your XH has chosen to be with this woman and he has chosen not to be with you. She didn't 'break up your family unit' all by herself, your XH had a role to play in that as well.

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 09:47

none no, been plodding on on our own - yes I knwo XH has a role to play in it all as well, and DS & I are so much better off without him around, he could be really horrid at times tbh.

I know she's not entirely to blame, and I am irrational to a point, but I also have just as much hostility to XH surrounding the issues.

OP posts:
Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 09:51

tbh hassle I have absolutely no desire to know her as a person, or in any other capacity.

I know i'm going to have to rise above it all for DS's sake but just lately i'm having protective mummy syndrome towards him! (prob cos XH is taking him away for a week on monday to his mothers)

perhaps all my dealing should remain with XH and not bother with her pass the time of day if we have to but otherwise not bother? then again XH is defiantly going to want to meet DP esp if DP ends up moving in or something?

OP posts:
Report
solidgoldskullonastick · 17/10/2008 09:53

Reckogising that you are being a bit irrational is a good step: hostility on this level can absolutely corrode you and make you far more miserable than it makes anyone else. Is it possible to try to think that actually this woman did you a favour by taking away an XH who was horrid and clearly didn't love you enough? YOu say you now have a new DP who is much better for you after all.

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:01

I won't let it corrode me so will have to deal with it on some level as then I really will be up the creek.

yes she did me a favour - as i've said before in may ways I feel sorry for her with XH - and she can now put up with his abusive, & controlling manner - I suspect he's putting on the whole 'best dad, and nicest man in the world' act he did with me when we first got together - give it a child n 8 years (if they last that long) and no doubt she'll be in the same position I am. (not that i'll gloat you understand thou! lol) but he'll do the same thing to her - i've come to slowly realise he'll never change, he'll alwasy ben the controlling, manipulative, emotionally/verbally abusive partner he always was.

DP on the other hand is the opposite and i'm very happy with him.

when i'm not thinking about this one issue I hold no feelings towards them particularly - just when I think of them all playing happy families it eats me up a bit.

OP posts:
Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:02

(up the creek if I don't I mean)

OP posts:
Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 10:02

"then again XH is defiantly going to want to meet DP esp if DP ends up moving in or something?"

Why on earth would you let your exH control you in this way?

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:08

I don't want to anna - this is part of the breaking away - but I know XH will kick up such a fuss - to a degree i'm anything for a quite easy life, but on the other hand, it doesn't matter what XH thinks to DP - I love him, and XH's views won't change that - same in essence I guess my views on OW won't bother XH (as he's already shown)

XH's arguement is OW won't be around DS very much - he's already said he won't re marry/have more kids, but if DP does end up moving in with me then he'll be around DS all the time.

I can understand his point - but then XH walked out on us this is his doing and his choice so surely he has no say? (DP isn't a raving axe murder/any other nasty thing)

OP posts:
Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 10:11

It really is none of your exH's business who you choose to spend your life with now that he has left you. Let him "kick up a fuss" and don't let him walk all over you. You need to separate out your lives.

I actually don't think that it is healthy for children to witness the relationship of partner 1 and partner 2 unless it is a genuine, happy one (which isn't terribly common).

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:14

quite - and we're hardly at the point of demi more/bruce willis!

DP will be seeing DS again on boxing day as we have a big family thing at mums which he's coming to - I've thought hard about this aspect of things.

I guess in trying to please everyone my own feelings and more importantly those of DS & his well fare will suffer - which is something I won't allow. (well the DS bit not me!)

OP posts:
Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 10:16

Ah, remember - you cannot please everyone all of the time . Please, please prioritise pleasing those who are most deserving, not those who kick up the most fuss.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:17

well that would be

DS (obviously)
me & DP
XH & OW.

in that order I think. after all happy mummy = happy baby right?

OP posts:
Report
Anna8888 · 17/10/2008 10:20

Yes. Although you have to prioritise different people at different times in order to ensure that everyone gets a fair deal .

Your DS needs to see his father regularly. You need to ensure you have an access arrangement that is fair to you, to DS and to exH, and that takes into account the constraints of your new partners.

There really is no need for any adults to meet / talk except for you and exH, about access and childrearing.

Report
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 17/10/2008 10:26

he does currently - sees him every other weekend.

i've never stopped contact, and wouldn't unless I thought XH was trying his tactics on DS - I won't allow him to treat DS how his own mother treated him (she's much the same as XH - but not quite as bad - then again FIL is just as bad)

I think the way forward is to say to XH I don't want to meet OW at all - I will trust that she is nice to DS, and brace myself for DS loving her & raving how fab they are etc and fun. (althou XH does nothing with DS usually). but if DS comes home upset or confused etc then maybe it will need to be re assessed?

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.