Has anyone any advice on how to deal with a situation with my mother?

[suiledonn]

To get straight to the point I am 37 weeks pregnant and my mother just rang to say she has handed in her notice at work (for unrelated reasons) and she will now be free to come and stay. I don't know how to deal with this offer. We get on fine in a superficial way - talk on the phone every day, visit her at the weekends but she drives me mad. She is a really heavy smoker and although it is not something we talk about much as a family she drinks quite a bit too.
Dh and I are both very anti-smoking. We have a dd who is 2 and who has asthma and we have asked my mother not to smoke in the house. She agreed and does really make an effort when she is here but goes to bed early and smokes a lot and the spare room and hall way stink for ages after she leaves. I really don't want dd, new baby or myself to be in that environment but she means well and will really try to help out when she is here.
The other problem is that because of the drinking I don't feel I could leave her with dd if I went into labour in the night. MIL is on stand by and only lives 5 minutes away. I know I should be an adult and confront her but I don't want to upset her. She has been through some tough times lately and is looking forward to visiting. Help.

[pamelat]

Oh dear.

Maybe you could say something along the lines of really appreciating her kind offer but that you and DH think those first few weeks are important for you to bond as a family, especially with your 2 year old DD. You can say that you wont to concentrate on ensuring your 2 year old understands about a new sibling.

Maybe tell her you'll review it in 6 weeks or so, dependng on how DD is (at least it delays the situation).

[mistlethrush]

I would also be very strong about the smoking - no smoking doesn't mean 'no smoking except in the spare room' it means NO SMOKING - her is the key to the shed so that you don't have to stand in the rain...

[susie100]

I would not try and block her out but be honest with her. Frame it by saying I am telling you this beacause I really love you and want you to be a part of dds life. Then be really honest about the drinking and smoking and tell her you want her to stay but no smoking except for outside outside etc etc.
Maybe have her stay after week 2/3 instead of straight away?