Dh said if I don't give him sex more often he will leave

[lotuseener]

and go look for it somewhere else. He also said that he didn't get married to become celibate, and he didn't cut his balls off when he put a ring on my finger.

I know our sex life wasn't great, but I didn't know it was that bad. We work opposite shifts and have very long days, a toddler, he's a post-grad student, etc. No family/close friends around to babysit so we have never gone out alone since ds was born.We still have sex every couple of weeks. I just lost my sex drive after I had ds, and it has never come back. Ds is 20 months old now. I never think about sex and I never fantasize about it either, it just never enters my mind.

I'm very hurt and very angry, because I believe he is being serious. I just don't really want to have sex with him. Dh is very, very lazy around the house and does absolutely nothing. He is great with ds, but gets out of bed when he feels like it, goes into the lab at Uni, comes home eats his dinner in front of the tv and melts into a blob on the couch. He watches tv until 11 or 12(when he's not busy looking at porn on the laptop) and gets up and does the same thing the next day.

I am so filled with resentment towards for not being reliable and sharing responsibilty in our home that I don't want him to touch me.If I need something done, like stuff put away in the loft, I have to ask him every day for about 2 weeks on average before he will do it. I pay the bills, do the shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, look after ds and work about 25 hours a week plus 1-2 overnights a week at work as well. Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

We have the same conversation over and over again. I am so tired of nagging him and getting angry that he is so lazy. I wish I could just accept that he will never change and get on with my day. I enjoy looking after our home and doing the cooking, but I am so tired of him being totally worthless and lazy and couch bound. He doesn't think that my feelings about him not giving me help around the house should have any affect on my sex drive because my constant nagging doesn't have any affect on his sex drive.

I obviously don't want lack of sex to be his reason for divorce, but I don't know how to make myself desire him when I just see him as another responsibilty, not my man that I want to jump into bed with!

[BecauseImAWitch]

Well you both have to change.

Men want sex to feel loved. Women want to feel loved before they can have sex.

Both of you are feeling unloved at the moment.

Time to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this. And you also need to start treating each other as partners again, not just parents of a child. Find a local babysitting agency and go out. Try and enjoy being with each other again and remember why you got together in the first place.

[littellpian]

Maybe you should LET him leave, he sounds like an arsehole .

Quite how he expects you to want to have sex with him after that behaviour is beyond me.

Sorry you are going through this Hopefully someone will be along with some more constructive advice soon x

[ggglimpopo]

I think you need to discuss this in front of a third party - relate or a counsellor. Would he go, point out to him it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than a divorce......and he may end up with a sex life at the end of it and you m

[honestfriend]

Poor you- what a sod.

Basic advice of all counselling etc- you cannot change another person; you can only change YOU. ( they will react in accordance).
if you have talked about it - IF- and he does nothing, then you have to change your behaviour.

Have you thought about making a list of chores and dividing them up? Have you made it clear, in a non-confrontational conversation- what you think he should do and contribute?

If you are working the hours you say, why can he not shop on the way back from uni? why can't he cook 1-2 days a week? why can't he do some cleaning? No reason- maybe you haven't asked, or he is lazy.

On your part, maybe you need to feel good about yourself and have some TIME so that you begin to see yourself as a sexy woman and not just a hard-pressed mum!

Can you start getting a babysitter and going out as a couple? make time for you two as a couple?

Can you start a conversation that is not the same as one you have every day?

I can see that his threat is unacceptable, but at the same time, ask if you have had a part to play in allowing him to behave like this, and not putting your needs higher up the list.

[ggglimpopo]

oops

end up with a husband who lives with you, rather than a pornsurfing lodger.

[Bucharest]

Poor you....does he think he's living in Stepford?

[unavailable]

You should tell him that you didnt marry him to become his personal skivvy and support him financially for the privillage. Also, when you allowed him to put the ring on your finger, you didnt get a lobotomy and if he continues to behave like such a selfish tosser he is welcome to sod off and try and find someone else to treat like a doormat. It may take him longer than he thinks, as he doesnt sound much of a catch.

[GooseyLoosey]

Similar issues with dh. He can't see my point of view and how horrible I find being hassled for sex. I do try and compromise with him (although he does not understand that it is a compromise) and we have sex several times a week - it is not generally long and languorous sex but it is sex. I genuinely don't want sex and could happily never have it again but I do want to continue in my marriage and dh has made it clear that sex is vital to him so I see it as doing something for the man I love.

In your position, I think I would have to consider what future I wanted in the relationship. IME it is quite common for marriages to be a bit rocky when I child is quite young (mine was), but recover as you get more of your life back. Do you see this happening as you get less tired or are there more fundamental problems that you need to address?

[brimfull]

I'd let him go..he sounds a tosser imo.
Don't blame you for not wanting to shag him.
And lol at "Seeing him on the couch day after day makes me want to spit on him, not jump on him.

[MrsMattie]

Your husband is going about this all the wrong way. You don't get someone to want to have sex with you by issuing childish, bullying ultimatums.

Do you still love him? Do you want this to work? I know it's a a cliche, but having had couples counselling with Relate myself, I would advise this as your first step.

You're both resentful and unhappy and need some help to unravel the existing mess and see if you can move forward to a place where you are both happier.

[lotuseener]

We have conversation after conversation after conversation. He needs to be asked at least 25 times before he does something. And then he does the bare minimal.Also, he resents the fact that he can't just come home and lay on the couch without feeling nagged about not helping. His justification is that when he finishes his PhD he will earn a good living and we will have a nice life and when he is making good money he thinks he shouldn't have to do housework. He also believes that once he finishes his PhD he will buy me gifts, surprise me with kind gestures, hire a cleaner for me and generally treat me better because he will have the money to do so.

I tell him I think that is shit because it doesn't cost a lot of money to buy me some flowers and make dinner once in a while.

As far as dividing housework, I've made lists, rotas, etc. But he just resents being told what to do. This is a man who will walk pass a bin overflowing with nappies and wipes and not empty it because he doesn't want to walk down the stairs to empty it.

He doesn't want to spend the money on counseling, as we are already stretched to the limit, but I think it is totally neccesary for our marriage. It's 8:40 now and I have been up with ds since 6:15 this morning. His mother is coming tomorrow from the US for 2 weeks and I feel very strongly about having a clean and tidy house when guets arrive.

So today, he'll probably get out of bed around 10, get ready and leave about 11, work at Uni until about 6 or 7 and come home, pester me for sex then watch tv until 11 and complain that he's got to get up early on Tuesday to drive to the airport.(and we'll be late because although he should be getting petrol and topping up the fluid levels in the car today, he'll wait until after we leave for the airport tomorrow to do this)

Today I will do all the laundry, clean all the floors, scrub the bathroom, do the grocery shopping, go to toddler group, go to the bank, wash the bedding for mil's air bed, prepare her room for her, polish the furniture, tidy up all loose ends, hoover the whole house, wash the dishes, clean mirrors/windows,make dinner, sort out the bins and recycling and bathe, feed and put ds to bed.

But in all this I have to fear that if I am not bathed and in something sexy (not just old winter pajamas) and ready to have sex he will leave me. I did forget to add, he does want me to bathe and put on lingerie after I put ds to bed and be ready for him when he comes home on the nights I am not working!

[unavailable]

I was feeling that my previous post was a little harsh until I read your most recent, lotus. I have now revised and think I wasnt harsh enough. He sounds awful.

You are right btw, about it being unlikely he will be nicer when he completes his phd - it doent cost anything to be thoughtful, so why wont he show you some consideration now?

How long before he completes the studies? Will this guarantee him a good job?

[MrsMattie]

He sounds extremely immature and lazy.

Counselling isn't necessarily expensive. Lots of counsellors will take 'whatever you can afford to give'.

[lotuseener]

I am going to talk to him about counselling, when he gets out of bed.

I don't want a divorce, I want a healthy, nurturing marriage that creates harmony for us and our ds.

I don't mind doing the majority of the housework and all, but I do mind being treated like shit. I hate that I have someone I can't count on and that demands sex and gives me divorce as the ultimatum. He does nothing to romance me or make me fancy him. I find him incrediblt unattractive because of who he is in the home. He is actually quite handsome and very fit, and he thinks that should make me want to rip his clothes off.I'd like him to be happy in this marriage, but I want to be happy in this marriage, too. I want to feel appreciated and special sometimes. I don't remember the last time I felt like asexy woman, not just a mother and housewife.

[Kally]

Bathed and in something sexy? For goodness sake get a grip.
Men like this think the sun shines outta their arses.
It is very unrealistic and out of touch. really and truly I think he has no idea about what real life presents and you are helping him do this. If you are constantly letting him off his contribution to the normal functioning of housework, sharing chores/time etc., how much further will you go?
Seems you have a real bout of low self esteem. He's probably done this to you over the years in a very subliminal manner.So what if he leaves you? Has he ever threatened to actually leave you for lack of sex?

[ggglimpopo]

Show him this thread.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Sorry but if was you I'd be packing his bags for him. What a twuntish thing to say. I'm sure that has really put you in the mood hasn't it?

[MrsMattie]

I missed the 'bathed and sexy' bit of your thread. Is he for real? Are you sure you want to work on this relationship? What are you getting out of it?

[lotuseener]

Yes, he honestly thinks that if I have sex whenever he wants it then our marriage will be perfect.

I'd really like to have a healthy sex life. I don't even remember what turns me on.

He even accused me of being a lesbian last night because I don't fancy him right now.

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

And he is how old? Sorry but he sounds like an arrogant teenager. Sex does not make a perfect marriage, you need compromise, love, trust and support for that. You also need to be willing to work at your marriage, as a couple.

[AbbeyA]

I think you have to decide whether you want the relationship to last, if you do then you both need counselling. I think that you are at a point where you either insist upon it or leave him.

[ggglimpopo]

Turning this round - if you suddenly started having regular, rampant sex with him, would he turn into the perfect, helpful, smiling husband?

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Urgh what a troll. I can just imagine him, sitting there, festering in his idea of his own greatness, waiting for you to baby-doll yourself up for him after doing all the scut work whilst he does nothing on the pretense that at some point in the future he will be earning some money.

TBH, I am not surprised in the least that you don't want sex. I couldn't bring myself to fancy such a man. I would tell him it is Relate or nothing.