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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do men who cheat ever change?

53 replies

JaJaBinks · 10/10/2008 08:49

I am getting married soon.

My DP has been married twice before and it is my second marriage too.

In both his previous marriages DP has been unfaithful having one night stands.

DP and I have a wonderful relationship and I trust him 100% but now I'm starting to worry that if he cheated on his other wives then maybe one day he'll do it to me too.

Do men like this ever change? I spoke to DP and he says that he has grown up a lot since then, to be fair it was when he was in his early 20's (mid 30's now).

Am I being naive, will he cheat on me some day too??

OP posts:

Report

fullmoonfiend · 10/10/2008 08:51

I'd love to be proved wrong. ...

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 10/10/2008 08:53

Quite possibly. But I am a cynical.
If he has been married before, and was unfaithful in his previous marriages, then I would only marry him if I was ok with having an open relationship. Does he want to be monogamous? I would ask him. There is always the possibility that you could both enjoy sex with other people in your marriage.

OO7 · 10/10/2008 08:54

Yeah, sorry but...

Personally I'd never be any man's third wife (unles twice widowered). There's a reason.

As you say he's older now and hopefully he's telling you the truth.

OO7 · 10/10/2008 08:55

Trouble is though isn't it that if you fall in love you fall in love.

ladytophamhatt · 10/10/2008 08:55

he'd been married twice by his early 20's and cheated both time?

ladytophamhatt · 10/10/2008 08:56

I wouldn't be a 3rd wife either....infact I doubt I'd be a 2nnd if he divorced because of cheating.

susie100 · 10/10/2008 08:57

i think there is a BIG difference between a man in his early 20s and mid 30s. He was probably incredibly immature in his early 20s I think most men are.

There is no prediction I am afraid, people change and I don't think someone is destined to be a cheater particularly. You have to trust YOUR instinct based on your relationship which sounds strong. Congratulations on your forthcoming marriage.

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 10/10/2008 08:58

Most men are capable of having mature relationships in their twenties.

MurderousMarla · 10/10/2008 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cafebistro · 10/10/2008 09:03

people do change. Ive never been married but Ive had serious long term relationships in the past where I have cheated. Ive been with my Dp for 4 years and would I cheat on him? No way! You ask why? Because Im a different person than I was in my 20's, Ive grown up and most importantly I want to be with my DP. I cheated in the past because I was with totally unsuitable people.

JaJaBinks · 10/10/2008 09:10

cafe, thats just what DP says, that he wasn't with the right person. On the first occasion it was near the very end of the marriage, second time round it was near the beginning before they married.

I don't think either of the first wifes even knew about it

OP posts:

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 10/10/2008 09:14

At what point does he decide he is not with the right person so it is ok to cheat?
After marrying?
Before marrying?
After the first argument?
After the first baby?

If he blames his cheating on the woman not being the right one for him, he has no self instight and no restraint.

He at some point thought his wives were the right women, he married them. RIght now he thinks you are the right woman, but he has been wrong twice before, and cheated. You have no guarantee this man isnt going to turn around at some point and deem YOU not the right woman, and cheat. This is what he does. This is WHO he is.

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 10/10/2008 09:15

Also, he has been deceitful to both his previous wives, as you say they didnt even know....

Boy, what a catch....

Sorry .

Steamrunner · 10/10/2008 09:17

You seem to be assuming that a(ny) man married twice before is "guilty" twice. Not so, I have a friend who has been incredibly unlucky in having 2 previous wives who cheated on him, leading to 2 divorces on the ground of adultery.
In answerance to the question of whether we change, in my case, yes I have. There's some backstory to it but I was in a sexless marriage for 3 years - not even a wedding night - then suddenly she offs and starts shagging speedway riders. We lived like brother and sister, I got a GF, she had a series of men, I moved in with GF, and then we got a divorce on the grounds of MY adultery! Since then I've never strayed, never even so much looked at another woman.
As for your dude, if he's been on the straight and narrow for the last 10 years maybe you should do him the courtesy of talking to him about your worry. Was this fear of adultry present before the wedding plans, or is it brought on BY the wedding plans? Talk to him, maybe he'll be able to reassure you a little.

cafebistro · 10/10/2008 09:19

I can see your point Quin. But everyone makes mistakes, Ive made my fair share! But to say this is WHO he is strikes me as unfair. If thats the case thats WHO I am though I never have or would cheat on my DP.
The fact that he's told the OP about his past shows that he wants a clean slate. he didnt have to tell her did he?

QuintessenceOfFrankenShadow · 10/10/2008 09:23

Of course he didnt have to tell her. If he really was a reformed man and cheating was not an issue, why would he even think to tell her? It is a little like saying. I was a smoker, but now I am not. Does it matter to you that I was smoking 10 years ago?

On the other hand, if he tells her now that he was a cheat in both his first marriages, he has actually prepared her that he may do it again, so by marrying him she is accepting it. Just a take on it, I am of course not saying this is how it is.

lilacclaire · 10/10/2008 09:23

JaJaBinks, only you know what your relationship is like and what HE is like.

I have cheated in previous LTR (in fact all of them ).

There were circumstances, rightly or wrongly, but I have never cheated on current DP and never would.

I like you dp was in my twenties and am not the same person as I am now in my thirties.

Take your relationship for what it is and stop reading all the horror stories on here or at least get in into perspective, remember a lot of people only post when they have a problem, so it seems as if its happening to everyone.

cafebistro · 10/10/2008 09:30

JaJa- Talk to your DP and tell him your concerns. As Lilacclaire said only you know what your relationship is like. for what its worth my opinion is that people change.

mayorquimby · 10/10/2008 15:19

depends.i did when i was younger but was never married to the women just boyfriend-girlfriend which is still pretty despicable as i should have just manned up and ended it.
but even then i knew i was never going to end up with the women i was with.
still don't know if i'll end up with current dp but i do know that if i wanted to shag around i'd have the respect for her to end the relationship first before starting with anyone new.
all in all that's not very helpfull i'm just trying to give a male perspective of someone who used to cheat and didn't think much of it at the time. i'd say the fact that he was honest from the start would be a good sign as it shows he's not contemplating going off with anyone otherwise he wouldn't have put you on alert so to speak.

noddyholder · 10/10/2008 15:19

no ime

zippitippitoes · 10/10/2008 15:22

i dont think cheating is necessarily a personality thing ..it could be for all sorts of reasons

maybe you and he will just have a better relkationship

it is impossible to know

people do all sorts of things

ConstanceWearing · 11/10/2008 10:09

How does he feel about infidelity now? Does he think it's morally reprehensible? I'm afraid I'm with Quintesential on this one. To blame the woman for morphing into the wrong person, mid-relationship, is really to ignore the part he played in the relationship breakdown. If he takes no responsibility for these affairs (e.g. if he has never worked out what triggers these inappropriate responses to relationship difficulties with his wife), he hasn't even begun to ensure that he won't do it again.

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jellybeans · 11/10/2008 10:27

The red flag for me is that he blames his cheating on the woman rather than a breakdown of the marriage (taking some responsibility). I find that men who never address their own issues/problems/contributions to marriage breakdown, just keep having failed marriages. I think there is a chance he may not cheat if he is grown up abit but also many men have one night stands if they think they can get away with it. I have cheated in the past (when much younger and not married)and it wasn't to do with (in most cases) the relationship really but to me and my self confidence and other issues, I think I sort of seperated the two, compartmentalised. At some point I decided to commit. I know several people still married who have no idea their DH has had casual sex with strangers. Fidelty is very important but it is not the only thing in marriage (and there is alot worse) and you can only but give it a try.

Elliegant · 11/10/2008 10:37

Hard one.. I married my first husband twice beleiving that he had changed and he cheated on me again. He then got remarried and cheated on this wife to.

However, I have a dear friend who's partner cheated on her before they married, she forgave him and they have a very happy marriage.

You really need to talk to dp about your concerns before.

Agree with Mq he could have just not told you, at least he has been honest with you about his former cheating

Dutch72 · 16/02/2016 19:00

Are you still with your third husband??!

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