school run blues

[asicsgirl]

never thought i would be affected by this but... ds1 has started going to preschool 2 mornings a week (still at nursery 2 other days). i am just finding the pick-up/ drop-off so stressful. not just the logistics of getting him and 5mo ds2 out of the house in time, but the whole business. there is the usual clique of alpha mummies, a couple of whom i know to say hello to only. another woman whose ds is friends with mine - she lives nearby and we have done a couple of play dates. she is v nice but is friends with everyone, and i feel like there will be no friendship there, just another acquaintance (of whom i have many!!)

i'm starting to feel like i'm back at secondary school, the boring/ nervous one who can't think of anything to say to anyone, trying too hard and putting everyone off. this morning i was in a terrible mood, anxious before we even set off. when we got there i realised it was 'dressing up day' - didn't know about it - just felt like crying, poor ds1 with everyone else in costume.

i felt like this constantly when ds1 was little, desperate for company/ friendship, feeling like everyone was coping so well with motherhood while i was a wreck. but i have been so much better this time round; i have friends now, and don't really 'need' new ones, so why is this affecting me so much?

sorry if this doesn't make any sense...

[eeewahwoowah]

asicsgirl - hello again from down the valley (you Hebden Bridge me Tod)

i know where you are coming from. my ds is in yr2 now and i think i have just about overcome the dread of the morning school run. in fact after three years i almost, almost enjoy it and actually find myself having conversations with other parents into the bargain, which is a miracle for me as I normally hang back.

I have also on more than one occasion forgotten about dress up days so know how you are feeling on that score. In fact we have one tomorrow (circus theme!) and i have left post-it reminders for myself everywhere and even written it on my hand.

Sorry you are feeling so rotten though. The school run can dredge up old emotions from one's own school days but I have found this can be quite therapeutic - you know
having to put the past behind me and say I am not that meek, clumsy little girl any more I am a woman hear me ROAR etc

[newgirl]

you are not alone!! this comes up a lot on here - and it does get better honestly! as your child gets to know others you will meet those parents and friendship will grow more naturally

even the alpha mums have crap days and may look jolly and chatty but may not know everyone, or have any deep friendships, or kids are playing up, or partners bugered off, or whatever - dont assume everyone else is ok - they are probably feeling the same too some days

if you can be friendly and kind even when you dont feel like it, you will reap the rewards honestly

[DivaSkyChick]

When you look at those women remember that you are comparing your insides to their outsides. They all have worries and hurts.

And be super friendly to everyone - fake it til you feel it! The thing we "love" in people is how they make us feel about ourselves. So make everyone you come across feel good about themselves and you will be the most popular mum on the block.

[newgirl]

such wise words divaskychick!!!

[DivaSkyChick]

Thanks!

[asicsgirl]

thanks everyone. hallo again eeewah! good luck for the dress up day tomorrow.

certainly is true about school run dredging up old emotions. i really like your take on it though - i am not that geeky girl any more! i have changed! honest i will try to ROAR more tho' i have image of myself doing steve coogan thing in the mirror to gee myself up every morning before facing the boden-clad hordes

newgirl and divaskychick, you are so right about inside/ outside and faking it... wise words indeed. i just find it very hard- emotions always close to the surface for me and find it difficult to hide feelings. i honestly was almost in tears this am about the dress up thing, daft but true (incidentally ds1 didn't seem any the worse for wear for the experience!).

i did force myself to chat to a couple of people at pick up time. i think i've just got the hang of the nursery crowd after 2+ years and am now feeling overwhelmed at having to do it all again for school... but i will take what you all say on board. Must Try Harder!

[gremlindolphin]

Interesting to read your post asicsgirl, I also found the school playground excruciating to start with and I am a naturally friendly and outgoing person and like you, have my own out of school friends!

I didn't know anyone before we started and seeing groups of Mums talking just made me feel excluded even though I knew inside all the things which DivaSkyChick and newgirl have identified so well.

All I can say is that four years on and the school playground feels like my second home so it does get better!

[2Eliza2]

It will get better. Lots of mothers feel just like you, honest.

[Bink]

It's such a perennial it nearly needs its own topic! Except that (very nearly - I guess there might an exception or two within the whole of Britain -) everyone gets over it.

If it's daunting, just do lots of little bits of friendliness - get ds to tell you things about other children & then say "oh ds told me about [their child's] amazing pasta collage, he was really impressed" (& then dash off to whatever you've planned - NB this doesn't actually have to be a real plan, it's just an escape route to stop you feeling lemony - will happen after drop-off). Soon enough you'll see who the nice, responsive other parents are & you'll be away.

PS LOVED divasky's thing about comparing insides with outsides. Useful for when you're daunted by anyone, not just alpha mummies.

[mumof2fabkids]

Wow, getting flashbacks reading this. It's all for appearances, don't be fooled. Trust me, they don't have such perfect lives and they're not all such good friends to have. Hold your head up, smile and ACT confident, even if you don;t feel it. I would say most, if not all mothers feel like this at some point, I know I still do and mine are much older that your little ones, but it does get better. Good Luck!

[robbierotten]

Message withdrawn

[asicsgirl]

thanks for the encouragement!

i like the idea of ds1 telling me things about other kids - he loves school but unfortunately he's a bit of a threenager:

me: did you have a nice time at school ds1
ds1:
me: what did you do this morning
ds1: don't know
me: who did you play with?
ds1: nobody
me: did you play with ewan
ds1: no i was just on my OWN!!!!

(then ewan's mum will say 'ah yes, ewan said he was playing outside with ds1')

i suppose that could be a conversation starter with other mums: do you know what ds1 has been doing at school lately?

things do come out unexpectedly though so i will look out for them. it's a nice tip

i would like to volunteer robbierotten, i'm going to wait till i'm back at work so i know how much time i can commit (and i have two brain cells to rub together!) pub? i remember that...

[newgirl]

i was just going to add to all the wise words to everlong that sometimes people are just talking and may not be able to invite you to join in - i had quite a serious talk with someone yesterday at school about their marraige breakdown so although someone did say hi to us i couldnt say hi how are you because this other mum was telling me something very personal - soo, hang on in there - sometimes it really is not personal

[PuppyMonkey]

If u don't mind me saying, I thnk people on MN take the whole "school run" thing far too seriously.

You drop kid off at school, you pick kid up. Simple. I never did feel the need to be the life and soul of the party in the school playground (or wear a nice frock ). If I caught people's eye and there was something to say, we spoke. If not, I stood and waited for dd to come out and went home and got on with my life. Who says you MUST form strong bonds with other mums??? I have made some nice acquaitances thru dd's friends mums, but I don't lie awake worrying that I should have done better!

Sorry for rant!! but just CHILL OUT abut it!!

[asicsgirl]

everlong you are right abt the dads - i think they can feel even more isolated as they're often the 'odd ones out' aren't they.

puppymonkey - can completely see where you are coming from - but there is some pressure to make friends (or at least acquaintances) with other mums as the kids will (presumably) want to see each other outside school. i'm also thinking ahead to when i'm back at work and ds1 goes full time to school (not till next year but still...) and we will want to have friends we know and trust to perhaps pick up each other's kids etc as many existing friends' kids are now going to different schools.

[neva]

Having been doing the school run for many years now, I feel the same as puppymonkey. For me, the school run is about getting my dd2 to school. Though I am happy to chat if the opportunity arises, I have never been one for cliques and don't mind standing on my own. Once the children have developed friendships at full time school, you do naturally get to know the other mums a bit more.

[midlandsmumof4]

Am in total agreement with neva & PM. Thank god my kids are grown up & I don't have to go through this ridiculous ritual. And who in their right mind would aspire to be an 'alpha mummy' (Where the hell has that come from?). Years ago they were referred to the saddos who had nothing better to do than hang around the school gates far too early. Get in there, pick up/drop off child & get out. Problem solved.

[newgirl]

that is all true but the op was worried about it, so its on her mind - she'll probably look back in a year or two and wonder why she worried

[arabella2]

This resonates with me as well, in particular due to one woman from my school that a friend (from a different school) introduced to me the year before last. Because I had met this somewhat scary woman through a mutual friend a couple of times, I assumed she would be interested to talk but she clearly wasn't after our first few stumbling attempts. She would often not say anything and also igmore dh at school completely even though she had had a conversation at the swimming pool with him. So I felt that she thought I and dh were not good enough for her and proceeded to ignore her myself. This was at times awkward and made me feel terrible since I had met her through this other friend and sat in the park with her etc... At the beginning of this school year we had a small conversation and then the ignoring started again. Then my dd was having a tantrum and she was smiling (nicely) about it and the next day we had a slightly awkward conversation about it, now the ignoring has started again. Sorry, very long rambling and boring post but I have come to the conclusion that she is a slightly strange person who does not always talk but who does not necessarily mean badly. I'm talking about her because for a whole year (last year) I used to think that if only I didn't have to bump into her in the playground and do the whole I haven't really seen you thing, my "life" at my children's school would be a lot better. In reality I think she is as weird/idiosyncratic as everybody else and not necessarily this "superior" person who has judged me and deemed me unfit!!! She is also part of a "clique" of people and I too was feeling slightly miffed that loads of their children are in reception along with my dd this year (have one ds in year 2 as well), but actually I think the confidence thing is key. Know your own opinions and be kind, but don't denigrate your own friends (of which I do have some at school) by thinking that the people in the clique are superior. I too was shocked by the intensity of "playground" feelings that this woman evoked in me. You somehow don't think you will ever have to do the popular/unpopular thing again and suddenly you are in the middle of it. It also somehow reflects on your children because you want them to be liked by everybody as well and I was wondering whether dd would lose her friendship with one little boy (son of parents in clique) she was at nursery with because other children from same clique are now in her reception class too and they might somehow "steal" his attention from her????? Sorry sounds mad I know. I agree that the school run can be very pleasurable, like another poster said, for me it is often the only adult conversation time in the whole day (I also have a two year old who is at home). Feels a bit like living life vicariously through your children but I suppose it is a stage like many others. I think the key is to find your own niche with two or three friends and proceed from there. However I do think it is a reality the whole vying for attention thing and at it's worst you can actually see people calculating in their heads whether you are worth talking to/getting to know because of a possible association they think you may have with other people they think are desirable (this occasionally happens with one woman who lives quite close and who operates within said clique). Sorry must stop as I am sure I have driven everybody mad by now.