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Relationships

Wasting my time???

7 replies

mum2boy · 21/02/2003 07:41

I have a friend that I've known for 23 years, since we started high school in fact. In recent years (mainly since we both had children) she has become very unreliable - virtually every time we organise to meet up, she cancels at the last minute. Then when we DO manage to catch up, it's usually on her terms (where we go, what we do etc). Well dh and I were supposed to go to her place tomorrow (Saturday) for afternoon tea - which we planned weeks ago - and she phones me the afternoon before and says "I think we'll just have to cancel tomorrow because I've been so busy, timing's not right, etc etc". Excuse me??????? We planned this weeks ago, at her invitation. I was going to make a cake tonight to take with me tomorrow, luckily I didn't because it turns out we're not going anyway. I am so tired of her treating me this way (although I'm sure she does it to others as well) that when she apologised for cancelling, I just said "Forget it - every time we organise something I know it's not going to happen anyway." She sounded pretty taken aback, and now I'm wondering if I may have in fact done something to end our friendship, but I am just so tired of it. 23 years is a lot to throw away, but this has been going on for so long and as I said, it happens EVERY time we plan to see each other. To make it worse, she lives 5 minutes' drive from me and it really is not that difficult to catch up with each other. Thanks for listening - guess I'm feeling pretty p**d off at the moment.

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breeze · 21/02/2003 07:55

I had a friend like yours, it is really annoying when you arrange to do something and they cancel at the last minute. 23 years is a lot of time to be friends with someone, sometimes I think friendship's just run their course, if it bothering you that much then say something to her, sometimes something else is going on. Turned out my friend (ha if you can call her that) was cancelling because since I had my dh I suffered PND and wasn't my normal bubbly self.
That was 2 years ago and we haven't spoken since, but have made new friends who have been supportive to me. Good Luck

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mum2toby · 21/02/2003 08:38

Mum2boy - I have to confess that I was like that after I had ds. I suffer from PND and hid it very well from my friends and family. I developed a sort of agorophobia I suppose. I really wanted to see my friends, but when it came to the day we were going to meet I would have a flap!! I would feel like I would NEVER be able to get ready to go out and get ds ready. I would make excuses such as, ds has got the cold, or I'm skint or ANYTHING in fact to get out of going! Then I would feel horrible about myself and get all depressed again. A vicious circle. I'm sure you can relate, Breeze?

I have since told all my close friends about my PND and have explained that that's the reason I end up cancelling dates with them. They now bully me until I do go!!! I'll say that ds is playing up and it's best I stay at home and they'll say "Don't be silly, I'm coming around to yours to let you get ready then we're going out". It's been wonderful ever since.... my friends are wonderful!

Maybe your friend is feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all and isn't coping as well as she lets on! My ds is 20mths old and I STILL feel like that at times.
Don't know if that helps, but I thought I'd give you another perspective on it.

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deegward · 21/02/2003 12:48

I too went through (and still go through) this with my bf. She is like the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead (when good vg etc etc). The worse part was when I went back to work after ds, working ft arranged for her to come round several times, and she always cancelled. I couldn't see how I could cope with work etc, and prepare supper, and she a SAHM couldn't just cope with turning up! I wrote her a letter which made matters worse, but three years on we are still friends, its just my expectations are way lower. I have moved away from where we lived, and she was meant to come for the weekend, but cancelled at the last minute ie I had to phone to find out she had not made it on to the flight.

I think sometimes we have to decide what we are prepared to take and give to people, and if they always cancel, not to make arrangements in advance, but just spur of moment things.

The worse thing about this story is that I have asked her to be god mother to ~2 due in 5 weeks, dh is totally against this due to her unrealiability. Heh ho

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Frieda · 21/02/2003 13:06

I do know how you feel ? I think a lot of us have friends like these. One of my oldest friends, who's a dear, sweet, funny person in many, many ways, has a thing where she always has an excuse why everyone always has to come round to her house/go out to the restaurant right round the corner from her, in fact the only way she'll get together with anyone is if it doesn't mean she has to get of her a* and drag it very far. I got a bit fed up with this at one point and confided my annoyance in a mutual friend who (very wisely, I thought) commented that we all have little idiosyncracies some of which are bound to piss other people off, and one of the things you have to do with friendships is value the things that make the friendship worthwhile, whilst overlooking the downsides. Now, I don't know what the positives there are in your friendship, mum2boy, but guess there must be something there for it to have lasted 23 years.
Personally, I don't think it will destroy a (good) longstanding friendship to let out the odd home truth once in a while if it's something that's really getting to you ? perhaps now she knows how you feel, she might think about how her behaviour affects other people. If, on the other hand, as breeze suggests, the friendship has run its course... I guess only you know.

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kkgirl · 21/02/2003 13:44

I also had a short friendship with a girl who had a dd said age as mine. We sometimes used to see each other a couple of times a week and then no so much etc, but I thought we were really close. But then it started with her, she would say "I might come round tomorrow" which I would say fine too, and then she wouldn't turn up and I would be cross because you make a special effort to hoover etc, all for nothing.
Once when I challenged her about this, she said "Oh, I only said I might, I went up to The Mall (big shoppping area) and met so and so.
The final straw came after lots of this, when another friend rang this particular morning to ask if I knew where this girl was as she was supposed to be going to this other friends' house as well as having said she would be coming to me. Turned out gas man had called, so both of us let down. I was really cross as I had three children, compared to her one and could have been doing something else, instead of waiting in for her all the time.
She called me the following week as if nothing had happened and I expressed my annoynance, which was dismissed. I wrote her a letter and she phoned to say she couldn't understand why I was making such a big deal about it, and if her dd was having a do (as she put it, presumably being a bit difficult) or something else turned up then it was just tough. She couldn't see my side of it at all, which I think is really selfish. We haven't seen each other since, which is a shame as our dd's played nicely together. I do see her, because I move in same circle of NCT friends occasionally and it is awkward, but I am not going to be used like that. I accept that things have to be flexible when you have children, but their is no excuse for politeness and courtesy.

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mum2boy · 21/02/2003 21:27

kkgirl I would have dumped her too I'm afraid, I can't believe your friend couldn't even understand what you were talking about. I know very well that feeling of waiting around for someone, making sure the house is clean, turning down other invitations etc, and then to be let down at the last minute. It's just so not-funny when it happens virtually every time you organise something.

Perhaps Frieda you're right about everyone having their own idiosyncracies, dh has told me for a while that he thinks my friend is 'neurotic' (even though he does quite like her in a way), and that she thinks the whole world revolves around her. This is quite true but she has been a loyal friend in other ways, so I'll just have to figure out exactly how to treat this friendship from now on. I think the worst thing is the total lack of consideration/respect that you feel, I could never be so unreliable to other people. Most of the time I stick my arrangements whether I feel like going or not, because I don't want to let the other person down. Perhaps being too nice or too reliable makes others take advantage of you, I don't know.

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SofiaAmes · 21/02/2003 22:27

I just lost a new friend for a similar reason. Everytime we would arrange to go out for dinner with her dp and my dh and all the kids (her 7 year old, my 2 year old and my 5 mo. old) they would show up late. This could vary from 15 min. to an hour and a half. And as you well know, feeding young kids late even when you don't keep them on a strict schedule can be pretty scary. (Not to mention that my 2 year old has better table manners than her 7 year old, but these rapidly deteriorate after 9pm) The last two times we were supposed to get together, I called up after they were 45 min. late the first time and 1.5 hours late the second time to say very nicely can we leave it as the kids are tired/hungry and reschedule for another time without the kids. She hasn't returned my phone calls since and her dp called my dh to say that it was all my fault and that I just didn't want dh out having fun with him and that they had a business to run (never mind he's supposed to be on the sick) and that's why they couldn't always be bang on time. And when my dh said that he didn't agree with him and that he thought they were pretty inconsiderate being late all the time he said that he didn't want to be our friend any more. Most of the lateness was due to him anyway, but unfortunately my (ex) friend would never stand up to him.

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