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Friend's partner has left her with 2 under 5. What can I do???

7 replies

squilly · 15/09/2008 20:47

My friend is such a lovely person and her bastard partner (forthwith referred to as BP) has buggered off with another woman.

I'm not overly surprised. I don't see them often but the last time they visited, she'd mentioned that they weren't sleeping together...hadn't been for months. He'd been sloping off to the spare room.

BP was also pissed off about the arrival of baby number 2, which was bizarre as conception had been discussed and clearly he'd done the deed bareback without worrying! I think it's just an excuse.

Anyway...long story short, my friend is now alone with 2 small children. She's angry, but is being SOOOO reasonable...discussing when he can visit; that she wants to meet the new squeeze before the kids go to stay with him overnight; talking about what he'll contribute financially, etc, all in a very level headed way.

She lives a fair distance from me, so I can't offer much help on a daily basis, but what do you think would be appreciated?

I've offered to shop for her, if needed, but lets be honest...she could shop online if she's stuck, so that's probably chocolate fire guardish in terms of help.

I've said she can ring as much as she wants, whenever she wants, so I'm hoping that might help. I intend to suggest mumsnet as a source of strength too...as I know the ladies on here can be ludicrously helpful when you're down.

But what else can I do? What else would be constructive??? I've only split up from slackassed boyfriends in the past, and never with children, so I'm a bit stuck as to what I can do.

Any ideas anyone????

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mistressmiggins · 15/09/2008 21:39

my exH left when my children were 17mths and 3.5 yrs.....it was hard but I was lucky to have parents & brother in same town & understanding work.

she is doing the right thing about visits etc - what else can she do?

I decided to put the children first (as always) and as long as I had them in mind, I felt whatever I did was reasonable.

I did not let children go & stay with exh & OW for 6 mths. He had to have them at his parents house over the weekend for a while. Then I realised I had to let children stay with exH & OW so that was that. She neeeds support from good people like you to allow her to think about the children, and maybe cry on the phone when they go away.

It does get better - please tell her that and I do believe in Karma AND "things happen for a reason"......

you sound like a supportive friend in spirit even if not near enough to help her physically.

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squilly · 15/09/2008 21:46

I think that's my biggest worry mistress...she's miles away from her mum and sister. They're both in the Midlands and she's oop north, like myself.

She's going to see the folks at the weekend, whilst he comes and clears his stuff out, and I'm sure she'll be well supported there - though I do worry a bit as her mum always said bp was wrong for her...he was about 12 years her junior and they said 'it'd never last'. I thought it would. Silly me ah?? I hope her mum realises now isn't the time for 'told you sos'. I'm sure she won't...they were always there when the babies were little, so I'm sure they'll step up now.

I'm glad things have gotten better for yourself and I'm sure she'll be fine. Just wish I could do more

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Alexa808 · 16/09/2008 02:14

you do sound like a caring friend and i'm sure she appreciates any help right now.

Maybe you could arrange for a spring cleaning for her house? Some companies offer relatively low all-in-one fees. I'm sure she'd love that right now. All her ex's stuff could get boxed up, old bits thrown out and the home spruced up.

Or a voucher for a cinema night out. Or a baby sitter for one evening so she can go out and relax with her mates. Or just a goody bag from amazon or waitrose with a bottle of wine, chocolates, a good chick lit book or a DVD.

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squilly · 16/09/2008 12:22

Oh Alexa, you're a godsend. The springclean would be a fairly pointless exercise...she's so neat! But a good night in pass might be good and the offer of babysitting too. I think both of those would go down well. And my dh is great at looking after our dd so would be good about that.

And my friend is a foodie (normally) so maybe I can tempt her tastebuds with a nice pack from Waitrose...

Thanks so much...I hadn't thought things through much. I was too bogged down in the 'hating the bp' to have any good ideas about what might help.

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regularlyoverwhelmed · 16/09/2008 12:35

I also think that apart from "material" things what you sound as though you are offering her in terms of mental and emotional support is invaluable

letting someone know they can pick up the phone any time and you'll be there to listen means so much

the odd text to let her know you are thinking of her ...

etc etc etc

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justabouthadcurry · 16/09/2008 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squilly · 16/09/2008 19:27

I'll ring her tonight to sort something for when she gets back from her mums. That way, if anything has gone awry at home I cn lend an ear to that too.

Mmmmm....just got to figure a good dvd. Something not romantic, not too cheesy, maybe funny.....off to Amazon to check.

Thanks all for the advice and ideas. Much appreciated.