Help please! Am on the verge of ringing DP and ending things

[immortalbeloved]

I would really appreciate some input on this, I have been going over things so much in my mind I fear that I might be going down the wrong track.

I'm not really sure where to start, but I think firstly I should say that DP and I have been together for 8 years have 3 children and have always had a fantastic relationship, and I do mean really fantastic, which I think is why I'm finding it so hard now things are going wrong.

DP has never been very good at expressing his feelings....well actually that's not entirely true, he can express his feelings of love/happiness very well but if he was upset about something he would always bottle it up. He also had never found showing affection very easy though he did try and it soon became normal to him, lots of hand holding, kissing hugging etc and sex.

Recently it feels to me that all affection has gone he hasn't touched me or kissed me in months, except for a peck on the cheek when he leaves for work and I'm still half asleep, our sex life is non-existant too

This has been upsetting me more and more so a few day's ago I text him to say that I wasn't happy with how things were, and that perhaps we should stay together but be more like friends/co-parents as we work well like that and we do get on so well don't argue etc

Now I will admit that I did say this partly to get a reaction but a part of me did mean it too as it felt like I was living in limbo... always waiting for him to notice me, touch me and then being disappointed when he didn't. He did reply and say that it wasn't what he wanted and that he loved me, then he said did I think it would work, I said yes I thought we could make it work so we were all happy, and that was it! He hasn't mentioned it since! He has been coming home from work and we've been sorting the kids out sorting dinner, watching the tv then sleeping.

I'm so hurt, I know it was my idea but I never thought it would come to this, and despite my thinking that staying together like this would be better for everyone especially the children I just don't think I can do it, the atmosphere is horrible

So I'm thinking of ringing him now while the children aren't around and ending things, I just don't think there's any hope there now, but I would really like to hear peoples opinions on this

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry it was so long, I don't have anyone else to talk to

[Feature]

You need to talk more.

[CountessDracula]

What on earth are you doing instigating a conversation like this via text???

If you do have a fantastic relationship then surely you are capable of sitting down face to face and discussing a problem rather than just suddenly sending a text out of the blue.

Also to threaten such a course of action without even discussing it first is bonkers!

[Carmenere]

So basically, he is hurt because you have rejected him and you are hurt because he has rejected you. Agree you need to talk.

[wannaBe]

You did this by text? no wonder there are problems in your relationship.

If you want to sort out your relationship, then you need to sit down and talk about what has gone wrong and what you both want/need to do to fix things. but stop texting. You are adults, not a couple of teenagers.

[CountessDracula]

what I mean by that is
you don't just out of the blue say "I am unhappy we should (effectively) split up"

You sit down together and you say "X and Y you are doing is making me feel Z" (eg the fact that you aren't affectionate towards me any more makes me feel unloved. Could you tell me why you are like this?" (I bet is not a deliberate thing sometimes relationships just take a slide and need a boost-up).

Then agree a plan of action between you.

Also give him a chance to say how he is feeling
He may for eg be being less affectionate because he feels you have rejected him in some way. Or that you are more interested in teh kids. Or a number of reasons.

[CountessDracula]

A marriage needs to be worked at
Otherwise it will fail

[immortalbeloved]

Thanks Feature, I know we do

I know this sounds pathetic but I just can't be the one to start things off, it is always me that has to start a discussion if things aren't quite right between us and please don't get me wrong it's not that I mind but if I'm always the one fixing things then I never know if he really wants to be with me. if I fix this and he just goes along with it I'll never know if it's what he really wants

[CountessDracula]

Go to relate (or similar)

You need to learn how to communicate and what each others' needs are

[immortalbeloved]

Sorry lots of crossed posts there

I didn't just text out of the blue, we have text conversations all day long, we always have it's easier for him to do that at work than to ring and we do try to talk in the evenings but our baby is very young and I spend literally all evening breastfeeding him!

I really do see what you are all saying, but he is such a good man, he would stay with us and try to make us happy no matter what so I really need him to show me he still wants to be with me, I need him to be the one to make the first move for once and I just don't think he will, and if he really loved me he would wouldn't he?

[immortalbeloved]

Thank you all so much for your input.

Kama your absolutely right, how can a relationship without effective communication ever be fantastic? I think I've been kidding myself all along.

I have no idea where to go from here, reading your messages has made me realise this is all mostly my fault but the problems remain the same?

IMO two of the things that make a relationship different from a friendship is the ability to talk and physical contact, if we don't have either of those things then we don't really have a relationship do we

[CountessDracula]

I don't think you should be thinking about fault

It is no-ones fault

You have 3 dcs including a baby, of course your relationship will suffer a bit!

If you can just sit down and talk in a constructive way, understand what each other feels and needs then you will be well on the way to sorting it!

[hecate]

You can talk and breastfeed at the same time. So don't let that be an excuse. And as for not wanting to be the one who starts the conversation - does that really matter? More than saving your marriage?

don't start thinking that it's your fault, marriages are TWO people, not one and both of you need to stop and think.

I think that where you made your mistake was in presenting him with your solution - co-parenting, instead of confiding in him about your feelings.

He probably thinks that you have thought long and hard and that this is what you want. Perhaps he is hurt, shocked and confused. If he doesn't express his feelings well, then maybe he has closed himself off to try to avoid being hurt? Maybe he thinks there's no hope. He probably doesn't understand that you said it in the hope that he would take you in his arms, hold you tight and tell you he couldn't live without you.

I think that you should - face to face - tell him that you love him and you want to feel close to him and invite him to suggest how the two of you might improve your relationship.

[immortalbeloved]

Countess Dracula, thank you, I know you are right, the thought of it is making me so nervous though I will do it, I have to do it, and I don't think he's going to.

I do have a fair idea of how the conversation will go though

me.. I've been feeling really hurt because of xyz

him.. I'm so sorry darling, why am I such an idiot, I'm a you deserve better than me etc etc

me.. no your not you're great, I'm sorry for upseting you etc etc

It'd be funny if it wasn't so tragic!

[immortalbeloved]

Hecate your way is SO much better than mine

Why on earth didn't I come on here and ask for advice before sending ridiculous text messages

I do still wonder if things have gone too far to save, but I will try

Oh and he hasn't text me at all today or rang like he usually does at 10am for a quick 5 monute phonecall, it's not filling me with hope tbh

[Blu]

But he texted you back and said he didn't want to split, and that he loves you...

Having told him you still wanted to live separately after that, he's going to be feeling v vulnerable about starting anything!

Do you think you have low-level depression or PND? Whe I was depressd all my thoughts processes became a pattern of expecting things to fail, so taking the 'go pn, fail' approach, rather than 'hang on - lets sort this out, properly'

It doesn't sound as if either of you do want to split up, so with some genuine open communiation, you elly can fix it!

[missingtheaction]

hmm - maybe a rethink on how you tackle this.

If you say 'i've been hurt' and he wants to be nice he has to apologise and you get nowhere.

you need do something more open 'i have noticed that we don't do xyz any more and really want to understand why this has happened. what do you think is going on' (not those words but more of that approach - more questioning/less blaming.)

[Blu]

Call him. Tell him you absolutely regret sending that text.

[zippitippitoes]

he hasnt done those things because you tole him not to you muppet

you need to start the bsll rolling and say what you really mean/want

how the heck is he supposed to know what to think

if you want more affection then dont pretend to him that you want to live as housemates

you must get talking and acting like you want him to act

and of course it isnt too late just because you have been silly over this texting stuff it doesnt mean you cant undo it again at all

[immortalbeloved]

Argh I am officially a lost cause! He has just rang as the school contacted him about one of the children's after school clubs (they didn't ring my mobile for some reason) so we sorted that out, then lots of akward pauses then a bit of chat about the baby then he said "will try to ring you later, bye"

Why couldn't I just say something? What is wrong with me? I am just terrified I won't get the reaction I want

Blu I'm not sure about pnd, I don't think so, I did have a terribly traumatic birth though and we came so close to losing our baby, so I am feeling pretty vunerable at the moment

zippitippitoes I am loving the use of 'you muppet' and you are of course quite right

[VinegarTits]

IB dont take this the wrong way but maybe you are feeling this way because you are imotional/insecure/hormonal because you have not long had a baby? If i am barking up the worng tree then i'm sorry, but it sounds like you need extra love and attention right now and your dp is just not seeing that, which is making you frustrated and upset, i think you need to talk to him about how your feeling, dont see it as your 'fixing' things again, your dp may not think that anything needs to be fixed, he may not realise your emotional state right now and thats not his fault

When you sent him the text he did say that he loved you and that it wasn't what he wanted so that to me suggestes he does in fact love you and wants to be with you. If he finds it difficult to express his feelings then i can understand why you are frustrated, but please dont say things to get a reaction from him, it wont work, he will just bottle his feelings up even more.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel, he needs to know how bad this is making you feel or the problem will not be solved.

[VinegarTits]

LOL Just read zippis post and she is quite right