Just over a year ago I discovered that my DH had a long standing addiction to telephone chat lines. Although it was a shock I knew something was up as the phone bills were nearly £80 a month (they should have been £20) and the bills were going missing. I now know that he was hiding them from me.
This all came at a completely crap time, the house we were renting was falling apart - the landlord (a nice bloke as it happens) was not repairing anything and then when it was freezing bloody cold outside the central heating packed up and it was 6 weeks before it was sorted.
DH and I limped on but the phone chat line addiction continued and the bills remained high - the only time they went down was when he went away to work for three weeks.
In January I went back to work after the Christmas break (had booked two weeks off) to discover that one of the Mums on my caseload had collapsed and died three weeks after having her third baby - it was totally unexpected. This Mum and I had always got on well and she was also one of the nursery nurses who had cared for DS at nursery. I think this was the breaking point for me and I had a nervous breakdown. That is honestly the only way I can describe what happened to me. I fell apart and couldn't cope at home/work/anywhere. I drove up to Essex to be with my Mum (who was and remains a fantastic support). Initially this was just for weekends and then in March after yet another high bill I walked out and moved up to Essex permanently.
This was one of the hardest decision I have ever made as it meant moving my DS from his lovely reception class in a small country school to a much bigger school in a big town - something I still feel very guilty about.
Since that time DH has made no real decisions to support himself. He needed to apply for housing benefit and said
he had done so - only to confess at the end of July that he had not actually done the form at all and was in rent arrears. TBH it shows that he cannot take responsibility for himself never mind anyone else. Nor has he made any effort towards showing that he is sorry for the problems he caused. He has SAID sorry but that is all - no letters, no cards, no flowers and seemingly no effort at anything. He is very attached to his parents who live a short distance away from here but is unaware they know the reason I left. (MIL phoned here to have a go at me once for "leaving poor M on his own in Somerset" - she got my Dad who - let's just say - left her in no doubt about why I had left).
DH hates discussing or facing up to anything so we still have not really talked about his problems. I have written a massive letter telling him how I feel but it seems he read it and then forgot it - back to "head in the sand" and thinks that's it and everything is okay now.
For some reason (which escapes me)I have agreed to give things another try but now he is saying he won't live in Basildon (I am a Basildon girl) because he says it's scummy and has his sights set on paying £800 a month in rent for a private rental place in the more desirable towns and villages around Basildon.
Personally - having done our budget I think this is out of our reach and am I planning on going to the council on Monday to declare myself homeless. I've had a housing application in since April but the housing department are taking a year to process the forms here. In the meantime DS and I are in bunk beds and in the 8 by 6 spare room.
Tonight DH phoned to say that his Mum had "spent all day looking for private rental places for us". Naturally these are NOT in Basildon as they obviously look down their nose at the town. They are also in the £800 a month mark. I have said to DH that I think we need to be realistic in out budget and can't do such a high level of rent.
BUT - my in-laws have just sold their house (well they may have - nothing in stone until contracts exchanged etc). She is now saying she will give us a lump sum to pay a year's rent in advance. She says that this was we will have cash to save towards the next year's rent etc.
Although this seems very generous I cannot get over the fact that she is interfering to make sure her darling son doesn't have to slum it in Basildon. What will her reaction be, I wonder , if the council offer me a house in Basildon. Make no mistake there are some crappy areas in Basildon - I grew up on one the the more notorious estates there and could well end up back there. However, I never had any problems growing up and my opinion is that people come in all shapes, sizes and personalities. Just because there are some not so nice people on the estate does not mean they are all like that.
Would I be mad to refuse her offer of a years rent in advance which would enable us to live in a "nice" area?
She says "just trying to help" but to be honest if DH (her darling son) was taken out of the equation I think DS and I could go hang (although she might put a lump sum by for DS).
The more and more I think of DH - the more I think "do I really want to be with him"? I think the answer is actually "No" but he has given notice on the rental place now and is coming up.
My only hope is that the council offer me a house in a truly dreadful area - in which case I guess I will see just how committed he is by whether or not he moves in!
What on earth do I do?
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Bloody husband and bloody mother in law.
20 replies
fedupandisolated · 12/09/2008 19:03
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