crisis talks last night - think it is over

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

he wants to have sex with other people, he feels he didn't experience enough sexual partners when he was younger
he says he hasn't had an affair, but in an unconvincing way, with just too much of a delay between question and answer
he doesn't know if he wants to stick together and sort it out
he says he is still attracted to me, after a lengthy pause between question and answer
he says he "appreciates" all my efforts to spice up our sex life
he wonders whether we should talk again "next week"
I think I will ask him to leave, I think I've had enough, after 16 years of trying to support him and thinking we had something good together this is what he comes up with
fucking men!

[andiem]

so sorry to see this
I would ask him to leave too

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

I can't see any option - I have put all my effort in over years trying to figure out why he is detached why we don't have sex that often wondering if it is to do with me, that I am not attractive enough, am too fat, too wrecked after childbirth to give him pleasure etc etc etc
I know it is not all about sex, but when someone tells you they want to have sex with other people and you are openminded about it, and try to explore with them whether it is just a fantasy that could be fulfilled in some way in your own relationship or whatever and they say no, they think they Really Want To Have Sex With Other People
I guess we could have some sort of "open" relationship but I think that would only work if we were both very secure in our space within our own relationship, which we are not
I have a feeling that was what he was hoping I'd suggest
He wonders why I mentioned cancelling the babysitter for tomorrow night (we were supposed to be going over to some friends for dinner)
Men, fucking men!

[MrsMattie]

He's being a fuckwit, but at least he isn't lying through his teeth to you . I'm so sorry. I hope things work out OK for you whatever happens.

[Ewe]

I think he does need to leave, even if it's not forever certainly for right now.

So sorry you're going through this, a break up sucks. Are your children young?

A break could be the kick up the arse he needs to see how important his family are to him, you never know. He sounds like he needs to do some growing up. I mean really, wants to sleep with people because he didn't do it enough when younger?? Pathetic.

Please please though if you only focus on one thing make sure that it's the fact that you are NOT to blame.

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

yes and it only took about 5 years of trying to get him to be honest, and he is bamboozling me by asking questions like "what is honesty?"(bloody academics!) and follows each statement with something about how he doesn't really know if this is the truth...
I've spent 16 years of my life with this guy, he owes me an "honest" answer

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

thanks ewe - the kids are 3 and 6

I know, I just think it is all totally pathetic in fact I kind of think I want him to leave as I dealing with an adolescent male was not what I signed up for. At least it is out in the open now, fuckwit!

he honestly thinks we'll talk again end of next week, he even puckered up for a kiss as I was leaving today and looked chagrined when I said "do you know what, I'm not sure I feel like kissing you right now"

[mumoverseas]

sling him out! you are better than that and you deserve better than that.
Do not agree to an open relationship under any circumstances, no matter how much pressure he may put on you. If you so much as hint at agreeing he will see this as a green light and will then remind you of this in the future if he does go ahead. Are you married or just cohabiting? If married, you will have grounds for divorce on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour, or if he goes ahead, on the basis of his adultery.
It must be so difficult for you at the moment and I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you must stand your ground and show him you won't be treated like that. You are better than him!

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

thanks Mumoverseas - don't worry I have no intention of entering into an open relationship - none whatsoever

he just phoned and said that those things he said last night were insane (we had drunk a fair amount) and that he was just being maschochistic (sp?) but the conversation went on this morning (in fact we had quite good sex last night, with him talking about his fantasies for the first time ever), that's when I asked him if he actually wanted to REALLY sleep with other people and that's when he said Yes. Also when he hesitated about the affair thing. And the fancying me thing.

He is going to come home tonight and try to tell me it was just booze - people don't say that stuff just because they are drunk though, do they?

[lizziemun]

If he says it because of the drink he said these things, i think you're answer should be no the drink allowed you to be honest with me for the first time in 5 years.

If it was me i would have a bag packed for him and tell him that under no circumstances would i be willing to enter into a 'open' relationship and if he does have sex with someone else then the marriage is over because of his unfaithfullnes.

I think you need to make it realy clear so that he understands what will happen if he goes ahead with what he plans to do. So that at no time in the future if he does have sex with someone else and you find out can he say you agreed with him.

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

thanks - i don't think he is planning to do anything (although he may already have but just isn't admitting it) he isn't a big player type, although he is tall, good looking and comes across as sophisticated and urbane ~(oh lucky lucky me ) so I doubt he would have much trouble

i think he actually wants out of the relationship but is too scared to be the one to make the break

[Cappuccino]

"he feels he didn't experience enough sexual partners when he was younger"

well tough

that is such a wheedling little cop-out

you don't have to have had masses of sex with different people to make a go of a relationship

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

he has nowhere to go - so the "leaving " bit will have to be a figure of speech (involving the spare room) until i figure out what to do about house etc - our mortgage is too high to allow much else to happen

this sucks in a major way

[swiftyknickers]

tosser
chuck him, you deserve better

[expatinscotland]

i'd ask him to leave today, the second he gets in the door.

have a bag packed.

tell him he's said enough and now you need some time and space to figure out why you are putting up with someone who thinks cop outs are good enough after 16 years and 2 kids and you'll contact him when you feel up to it.

[expatinscotland]

well, if he has nowhere to go he should have thought about that before treating his family like this.

that's really not your lookout.

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

he asked if i fancied sharing a a takeaway when he phoned maybe he is insane

[expatinscotland]

no, he just thinks he can treat you like shit and you'll take it.

[Monkeytrousers]

Let him expereince the wilderness of singledom again! It's much worse for fellas than us ladies. Call his bluff - not so bluff!

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

The drink thing - is he taking regular medication that might actually have done weird things to his brain when mixed with booze?

TBH, you cant live together and think things through with things like this.

Space is very much required. Even if it's not a permanent fixture.

Mind you - that reminds me of a song by the Beautiful South....A Little Time.....

Definitely more talking required. See what he has to say for himself tonight.

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

thanks _ I am not going to throw him out tonight - tempting though that is

I will listen to what he has to say, but tbh it almost feels like a relief to think we can split up, and I can stop worrying and wondering and agonising over hwy it all just doesn't feel like I thought it should

no, he is not on medication. And he drinks enough on a regular basis to be able to handle it. see my other thread if you feel like getting the pathetic background to the whole mess.

I fear it is just as someone said earlier that in drink he found the courage to tell something that masquerades as the truth

he is a coward.

we can'treally afford for him to stay in a hotel, we have no family here. He has no close friends. But I think I would like him to be gone for the weekend at least

It's a cop out, and if he says he didn't mean it it's an even worse one

[lizziemun]

It not a cop out, as i said earlier you have to make it clear to him what will happen if this is the route he wants to go.

You have your dc and yourself to think about. Would he go to relate with you ( sorry haven't read other thread yet).

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

we are having counselling at the moment

Lizzie - I just don't think he actively wants to be in our relationship, but he never makes decisions

I'm sick of it all

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

You are in limbo whilst he is 'deciding'.

Start making the choices and decisions. There is no reason why you should have to wait for his decisions on something that concerns you both.

Move him out and start carving out a life for you and DD's. If he wants to 'opt-in' he can fit in around you and the life you have created.

[lizziemun]

Perhaps you need to have/go couselling by yourself so you can decide what you need from/in your life to make you and your dc happy if that makes sense.

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

think you are right vvvQV

am very fed up - sitting in the dark now. Couldn't face making dinner for kidsso gave them cereal - they thought Xmas had come early

he is not coming home while they are up as he thought they might sense some tension. typical how the men get to stay out "to think" while the woman holds everything together (well, sort of!) and puts the kids to bed alone. Still, may as well start practising...