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Married men, do they leave their wife for their mistress?

(113 Posts)
BrazenHussy Wed 27-Aug-08 19:53:27

The old expression 'He'll never leave his wife for you' is what people tend to say to the mistress and there are, i dare say, many
mistresses putting their life on hold, waiting for their married men to leave their wives - either as he has promised to do or just because they think he will eventually when the kids grow up/move out etc

Reading through the relationship section on here, this doesn't appear to be the case - many do leave.

So, do these men suddenly just become new men and remain faithful to their new partners (mistress) or does a leopard never change his spots?

Is anyone prepared to share this on here?

liahgen Wed 27-Aug-08 19:57:21

my ex h was seperated from his 1`st wife when we met.

He spent a year tooing and froing until i called it a day. He left for good a week later and we were together 9 yrs, until his mental and pohysical abuse became too much.

It was only in the last few months, and immediately after that i found out he'd been shagging half the town grin

So...ime, NO.

Still, he realised grass was not greener and spent next 3 years apologising and begging me to take him back.

Needless to say, I am now married to the love of my life, whom I met when he fixed the crappy car that exh gave me. grin

poetic justice.

liahgen Wed 27-Aug-08 19:58:39

having said that, good friend in rl has just moved in with hers. I hope it works for them cos it's such a waste of people's lives.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 27-Aug-08 20:01:17

my dad left his wife and young child for my mum <she was unaware that he was married till much later>. im not sure if he has ever cheated on her but i wouldnt put i past him.

he is very controlling and has spent the last 27 years abusing her mentally and physically. id ask yourself what sort of man is willing to cheat on his wife and children?

liahgen Wed 27-Aug-08 20:09:46

i agree seashells.

fedupandisolated Wed 27-Aug-08 20:12:42

My lovely SIL's husband had just done this. Came home and announced that he'd met someone else and they wanted to be together. The bastard then packed a bag and left. Poor SIL is devastated.

sammysam Wed 27-Aug-08 20:46:38

My dad left my mum for his mistress-they are still together 11 years later and they seem 'strong' i really don't think he'd have cheated on her at all.........then again I wouldn't have thought he'd have done it to my mum hmm

lulumama Wed 27-Aug-08 20:48:13

a friends DH did. split with teh OW 2 months later. two families destroyed for nothing

HTH

snowleopard Wed 27-Aug-08 20:49:44

My mum is with someone who left his wife for her, after an affair that went on for about 18 months.

I would never feel really comfortable with it though... you'd know you were with a potential cheater. My mum gets round this by convincing herself his ex-wife is a complete bitch - that old chestnut!

theinsider Wed 27-Aug-08 20:50:26

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".

snowleopard Wed 27-Aug-08 20:51:23

I also know a woman whose DH had an affair, left her for the OW, had a new family with the OW, and a few years down the line is now cheating on the OW.

There must be examples where the man changes, but it's generally going to be a bad scene IMO.

BrazenHussy Wed 27-Aug-08 20:57:10

Yes there does seem to be a pattern here, doesn't there? The man marries the mistress and then cheats all over again.

Like you say snowleopard - your relationship would be a non starter whee trust is concerned and yes, women believe it must have been the ex-wife's fault

theinsider - i haven't heard that expression before but so true lol

FlightAttendent Wed 27-Aug-08 20:59:01

I 'got' him for about 3 months after they split. That included quite a few weeks where he was 'working away' aka living with someone else.

I didn't know about it but I strongly suspected because I had seen him lie so much. He was actually awful at it.

He was and is a complete shit. Foolishly I actually believed that our 'love' was worth all the hurt we caused. Ha ha. Noooo.

He did marry the one after me, but I have utterly no doubt that he is or will be doing the same to her...he is psychologically programmed to be a 'loner' and that conveniently allows him to compartmentalise his relationships. It is ALL about him and what he needs. Nobody else counts for shit.

I would go with the book - if they leave within 9 months they might be in it for real. Any longer and they are quite happy how things are thankyou.

My cousin left his first wife for his 2nd. He married no 1 very young (his excuse) and they had no kids but he still too-ed and fro-ed for 18m till his brother told him to sort it out.
Last year he left 2nd wife after 15 years and 2 children.

WideWebWitch Wed 27-Aug-08 21:00:54

Er, do they leave their mistresses? No, mostly not but sometimes they do! But who would want them, frankly?

Are they Then Faithful? Er, no, probably not. If he lied to his wife why wouldn't he lie to you? As the odious James Goldsmith said "when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

lizziemun Wed 27-Aug-08 21:04:14

I worked with someone who affair with a married man who left his wife and 5 children to be with her. Then had 3 children with her. And yes after 10 together he left her for someone else.

On the other hand my dad left my mum for my stepmother and they have been together for 18years.

AbbaFan Wed 27-Aug-08 21:13:09

My dad left my mum for his - but only after mum found out he was having an affair hmm. Think he would of just carried on otherwise.

Shoshe Wed 27-Aug-08 21:14:24

Ex left me for our 16 year old babysitter, 3 weeks after our newborn baby died.

He married her, had two children, left her when the youngest was about 5,

Married the next one, had two more kids, left her when the youngest was 2,

Married the next one 1 kid, just left her.

Can you see a pattern!

My dad left my mum for my stepmother and they have been married for 27 years (and I don't think he's cheated).

Are there not different "types" of affair ?? I think there are men (and women) who shag around whilst in a relatively happy marriage and I suspect these Leopards keep hold of their spots. I also think there are people in unhappy marriages which are reaching the end but who don't have the balls to end it before starting a new relationship. An "overlap" affair, if you like. I suspect that was the case with my dad.

liahgen Wed 27-Aug-08 21:17:08

sad shoshe

ThatBigGermanPrison Wed 27-Aug-08 21:18:58

The reason that reading the relationship section has given you the impression that many men leave their wives for their mistresses is that the relationship section subjects are started by wives, and never has any information on all the mistresses that never get found out by the wife.

FlightAttendent Wed 27-Aug-08 21:20:47

That's right - there are various defined types.

The 'open door' affair where it is used as an excuse to leave..usually dumps mistress shortly after she has fulfilled her purpose.

The 'three legged stool' affair - this one can go on for years. Neither relationship will survive if one person leaves the triangle. So wife finds out, ditches him, he leaves mistress too.

Can't remember the others.

Shoshe - that's awful. sad

ThatBigGermanPrison Wed 27-Aug-08 21:21:48

Shoshe, there is qa special place in the circles of hell for that cunt.

Shoshe Wed 27-Aug-08 21:22:38

Hey it was a lifetime ago, and I am now married to the most amazing man. grin

Shoshe - what an unmitigated cunt sad.

Glad you've found your amazing man though smile

Shoshe Wed 27-Aug-08 21:24:40

Funny thing is, saw him recently, and he said he should never have left, I assured him he should have grin

My DD would have been almost 17, and I dont ever regret her, but glad Im not married to him now.

IAteDavinaForDinner Wed 27-Aug-08 21:26:15

TBGP makes a good point.

DP left his wife for me. They had no kids and their marriage was never going to bring contentment for either of them, and everyone who knows them agrees on that. They split relatively amicably in spite of everything, and we've been together 6 years and now have one child. At the moment I am confident he is being faithful. Give me a crystal ball and I'll tell you how it all pans out.

IAteDavinaForDinner Wed 27-Aug-08 21:27:42

Shoshe I am shock that he had the audacity to say that to you. Although i shouldn't be, by the sounds of things. Well done for being where you are now

Shoshe Wed 27-Aug-08 21:28:45

for all those lone Parents who think they will never meet somebody, who will love and cherish them, i have two exH, first one knocked the hell out of me, second one was DD father.

i thought I would be eternally on my own, then DH walked into my life, 10 years younger, no children (I had a 18 year old and a year old DGD, I had custody of), he took the lot on, and twelve years later, we are as happy as the day we met.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

liahgen Wed 27-Aug-08 21:30:55

i can second that shoshe.

Met the love of my life through exh, he was fast living mr single, took on my 2 kids and ex from hell who almost had him kneecapped.

here we are, happily married with 3 more to our brood, and ttc no. 6

definately light at the end of the tunnel.

mamalovesmojitos Wed 27-Aug-08 21:57:44

shoshe, liahgen, lovely stories. so glad that ye have found happiness after the pain.

stirlingmum Wed 27-Aug-08 22:25:20

My mum's brother had an affair that lasted most of his married life. He had 4 dc with dw and another with mistress. Probably went on for 30+ yrs.

Then dw left him and mistress thought she was in there, but he just went to live on his own.

Sad really, she had wasted the best part of her life waiting for him.

stirlingmum Wed 27-Aug-08 22:27:41

I have also read a book that says that rarely does the relationship work between man & mistress, once he has left the marriage. Probably just 10% end up in long term relationships.

It is just the secrecy and excitement of the affair me thinks!!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 27-Aug-08 23:08:48

My friend's exP left his wife and 2 kids for her after 1 year affair - lived together for 1 year then he decides he wants to be single after all. Basically a man child who didn't want responsibility but wanted fun - hence affair with 20 something woman with her own flat and independence - doesn't look so fun when hot 20 something is nagging you to do housework and trying to negotiate the kids etc.
Not that I exonerate her - out of order to the extreme but she was in love...hmm

lou33 Wed 27-Aug-08 23:31:05

my father left my mother for one of his women

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 08:26:13

Shoshe - OMG shock and i bet he had a 'reason' why everyone of those relationships didn't work out (rather than the fact that he was a serial adulter)
So pleased you have what you do now

waterwitch - that's a good point but people always presume that the mistress actually wants her man full time. I don't think that is actually the case for many.

tilly - I hadn't thought of that

stirlingmum - some mistresses don't want anything more than the affair gives them

MuthaHubbard Thu 28-Aug-08 11:04:53

What about the other way round? ie a woman and her 'other man'?

missblythe Thu 28-Aug-08 11:09:47

My Dad has spent his life cheating on one woman with another, left my lovely mum for OW, stayed with her for a few years, then just kept doing the same again and again. For 40 years!

At one point, when still married to my Mum, he was having affairs with 2 other women, both of whom worked at the same school as both him AND my mum!

What a freak! (though would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in the staff room)

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 11:14:05

I don't know MuthaHubbard - i think a woman may be less likely to leave her husband for a fling especially if she wasn't desperately unhappy. I think woman have more insight then men as to what would happen when things went wrong.

If they had children then most would probably stay for security - I could be wrong and would be interested in what others think

quinne Thu 28-Aug-08 11:29:10

The old quote from James Goldsmith “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” is true most of the time IMHO.

orangehead Thu 28-Aug-08 11:33:02

My hub left, got mistress preg and married her all within a year of leaving me. The marriage lasted 6 months. He doesnt see his daughter that he had with her. They might leave bit they dont change

I know someone who had a long-term mistress.
His wife died suddenly quite young and he dumped his mistress and went off with someone else

<cackle>

yellowvan Thu 28-Aug-08 13:03:43

Or what about the men who have a series of mistresses, each one younger than the last, all convinced they will be the one that makes him leave his wife, and the wife turns a blind eye. Some people are weird!

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 14:14:56

yellowvan - yes the wife turning a blind eye is almost unbelievable. Could you imagine wanting to keep your husband so badly that you would put up with that?
How low must their self esteem be?

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:16:42

My husband left his ex partner (they'd been together nearly 10 years and lived together, although not married) for me. We weren't sleeping together but had been having a kind of 'emotional' affair for several months.

beanieb Thu 28-Aug-08 14:17:49

many leave because they are found out! I don't think many people leave of their own accord. They want to have their cake and eat it!

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 14:21:28

MrsMattie - Do you think it somehow makes an affair any more excusable because it was 'only emotional'? I am in no way being judgey, i was just wondering smile

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:25:14

Um, yes and no. It didn't make it any less hurtful to his ex-partner. He fell in love with me and was lying through his teeth to her for a good long while in order to be with me at every possible opportunity. We developed a very intense, emotional relationship all the time they were still together. It was deceitful and hurtful, there's no escaping that.

I just think if we'd have had a sexual relationship too it would have added insult to injury, iyswim.

I'm not saying it was OK because there was no sex, but I think if we'd have been shagging it would have been even worse - even more hurtful for her, even more bastardly on DH's account and even more morally corrupt on mine!

hmm

Surely it is the emotional betrayal that hurts
Shagging = small part of it IMO

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:32:56

I don't think there's a science to it!@CD

At the time, I didn't want to sleep with (my now) DH because it didn't feel right and he felt too guilty to take it to that next step. I'm not taking any kind of moral stance on it. We had an affair. he was in a relationship. I knew it. No excuses. Just thought the sex might complicate matters further.

Swedes Thu 28-Aug-08 14:34:05

Don't men tell their mistress that they are going to tell their wives just as soon as:
Her father is out of hospital/She has gone back to work/The child has started sleeping through the night/Her work colleague has got past her cancer scare/After Christmas/After Easter/After the family holiday which has been booked for years etc?

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 14:36:29

That was what i was getting at CountessDracula - i've seen it said on here many times that the sex part can be forgiven but the emotional bond with OW/OM is the most hurtful

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 14:38:48

Yes Swedes in my opinion they do and we women believe them sad

FluffyMummy123 Thu 28-Aug-08 14:39:16

Message withdrawn

jamescagney Thu 28-Aug-08 14:39:30

bah! theinsider, I wanted to say that. Jimmy Goldsmith wasn't it!

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 14:42:02

I wonder if it was 100% guaranteed that they wouldn't get caught, if there are any men who wouldn't do it?

FluffyMummy123 Thu 28-Aug-08 14:42:32

Message withdrawn

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:42:56

If it was 100% guaranteed they wouldn't get caught, I wonder how many women wouldn't do it??

crokky Thu 28-Aug-08 14:45:13

I know a woman who waited 20 years as a mistress. The man never left his wife. The mistress (who is a friend of my dad's) now has no partner and no kids and she is really sad and lonely (and almost 60 so too old to have kids with anyone else).

So anyone thinking of being a mistress - don't do it, it'll just ruin your life as well as anyone else caught in the crossfire.

Swedes Thu 28-Aug-08 14:46:06

Oh God. If you are a mistress, do yourself a favour and tell him to fark orf. And tell him if he ever comes near you again that you will tell his wife.

I have a very good friend who completely wasted her 30s being a Mistress.

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:48:44

He didn't have kids@Cod.

It was years ago. All parties have moved on and are fine, so please - no pity parties for her or scathing attacks on me and him. Well, do if you just, but it will fall on deaf ears!

MrsMattie Thu 28-Aug-08 14:49:19

just = must

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 15:26:40

Back to my earlier point though, some woman are happy being the mistress, they don't want anything more - no wasted years no yearnings for children. Some of them already have children with their own DH, some don't want them.

beanieb Thu 28-Aug-08 16:31:35

BrazenHussy - but why!?! Why would they choose a man with a wife/partner. Do they choose thes men on purpose knowing he will never want to leave his wife?

BrazenHussy Thu 28-Aug-08 16:54:27

I can only speak for me and two others I know in my situation but yes that is the attraction in my experience.

BlingLovin Thu 28-Aug-08 16:56:39

My dad's aunt had an affair for 20 odd years with a man who's wife would not divorce him - this was in the 50s. His wife subsequently died and they got married and had 20 years together formally before he passed away. But they never had children because she didn't want to have them with him as a mistress.

I do think meeting and falling in love with someone else when you're already involved, and then moving out, is a bit different to someone who has a full blown affair that goes on for weeks/months/years.

A friend of mine's father left her mother when she was five as he'd met and fallen in love with someone else. He's been with the other woman ever since - 25 years or so. And as far as my friend knows, entirely faithful in that time.

Koshka Thu 28-Aug-08 17:00:24

My dad left my mum when his mistress got pregnant, i think that is the only reason that he left my mum, as he would have got found out otherwise!

He's too old now i think to cheat on my step mum and i hope he hasnt/doesnt, but if he was yonger he probably would cos my step mum is his 3rd wife, and i think he left the first wife for my mum!

hes a complete twunt

muckypups Thu 28-Aug-08 17:16:21

My Dh had an emotional affair, hed fallen out of love with me and basically thought hed fallen for someone else. He told me he saw her as the perfect woman. She was always happy, always supportive of him, always looked good (he only saw her at work), was very encouraging in everything he did. he thought she would be a great partner because she wouldnt prevent him going out and doing sports etc.She was flirting with him big time and he couldnt see it just thought she was wonderfull.

I was so hurt i told him to go, but saying to him that he only ever sees the good side of her as only sees at work. What she is doing is putting on a front, she is flirting and feeding him lines he wants to hear.

In the end he didnt leave and we worked our way through it. I had been un intentionally stopping him from going out and doing sports etc because i needed him at home with me and the kids. Id become needy, moany and naggy. I recognised my faults and am much happier now. We are both much happier.

She on the other hand is showing her true colours and is a miserable, moody old bint and im glad he has finally seen the light.I feel sorry for her now.

muckypups Thu 28-Aug-08 17:20:55

Forgot to say that my Dh never promised to her that he would leave. They just had 'what if' conversations apparently.

I oftent think 'what if' id made him leave. would he be with her now??

skidoodle Thu 28-Aug-08 17:44:44

muckypups, how often do you go out to play sports?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 28-Aug-08 19:14:21

My Dad got his mistress pregnant shortly before he got my Mum pregnant with bro hmm (I was already here)
OW was 'on the coil' (not that I'm not blaming Dad) and I think she thought he'd leave Mum if she got pregnant. He didn't - he stayed, she forgave, and they had 2 more kids (4 altogether) and I don't believe he ever did it again. Poor half bro was a 'guilty secret' and never really had a Dad. Sad all round.

cupcake78 Thu 28-Aug-08 19:35:54

I have friends who have cheated on every relationship they have been in! I just think it is really sad and to be avoided at all cost. People are not a clever as they think and they will be found out if they continue.

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes but serial cheating for the purpose of self esteem, ego etc is so damaging and selfish.

Very rarely do people leave for a mistress and then that relationship is sucessfull. Good luck to the ones who have managed it but i'm a sceptic and believe they are few and far between.

jasper Thu 28-Aug-08 22:59:38

Why does the stereotype persist of the mistress pining and waiting for her married man to leave his wife ?

Lots of affairs are between 2 married people who don't WANT to break up their families.

sparky68 Mon 08-Sep-08 23:43:55

Hi, i was a mistress, and he was married for 14yrs to his ex, we have been together for 19yrs now and have our own kids, i get on really well with his ex and his other kids, i was only 19 when i met him and got with him at 21,his 52 now and i nearly 40, but...over the years i often thought he has strayed and this year my gut instinct told me all was not well. and i found out he was friendly with a 26yr polish girl, long long story so wont bore you, when i met him i did not care about his wife or kids i was single he was the married one... now ... older ,wiser and married and kids i know how she felt and wud not want anyone to feel like i have, i think its all my fault knew what he is like but never thought he wud cross the line, he denies all but once you been their you know the signs so well, and yes i think an emoitional affair is far worse than if he had sex with her, which i think had both. ,his kids from his 1st wife are lot older and we have all become firm friends his ex has told me its the best thing that cud of happened to her, but then he did have an affair with her best mate and she knew but as long as he went home all was ok, i cannot get my head round that,yet i am trying to save our marriage , so what goes around comes around , but it still hurts and i love him, but the trust has gone.i am not a weak person just confused and want anwsers but then i know already what he did,i dont excuse myself for what happened all those yrs ago, but i am paying now.

SmugColditz Mon 08-Sep-08 23:46:46

When a man marries his mistress he creates a job vacancy.

ambercat Mon 08-Sep-08 23:47:25

yes

textfan Sun 29-Sep-13 02:21:16

I've been the wife and the ow at one point at the same time! Life is complicated. The difference for me is I was in love with him before he met the wife. We were each other's first loves and reconnected online. We almost both left our spouses 10 yrs ago to be together. He backed out cos she'd just had a baby. My ex h had a fling with one colleague then ended up with his now 2nd wife, essentially having 3 of us on the go at once. Ultimately I was honest with us both, I loved my ex h once but was never in love with him. Ironically I was his first love. While he's been with the 2nd wife he's tried to get back with me several times, inc a text booty call the day before his wedding.

I'm now back in touch with my first love again, I've been single for 10 years and now realise it's not the lack of nice guys but because I always have and always will love and be in love with him. It wouldn't be fair to another person for me to start a relationship with them. I'm older, wiser, more realistic. This time I'm not pressuring him to leave his family (they live overseas n it's more about being away from his kids) rightly or wrongly I'll take whatever part of him I can have, it's the only choice I can make.

ZingWantsCake Sun 29-Sep-13 02:37:23

my dad did! after 25 years of marriage!
and had two kids with that snake bitch!

he died 3 years ago at the age of 56.
heart attack.
I'm convinced that cunt drove him into an early gave.

I have a sister. one sister, that's it.

if my half-sisters ever needed me I would help them, but I don't consider them anything else than my dad's other kids.
I have no relationship with them.

I blame her and I blame him for a lot of shit that happened.
I don't know when, if ever, I will be able to forgive either one of them.

(not read thread, only reacted to title)

ZingWantsCake Sun 29-Sep-13 02:41:24

oh and my dad was engaged to someone else when she met my mum, he broke it up for her.

(actually she was engaged as well, but had already decided to end it before they met as it wasn't going well - this was confirmed by other people)

PigletJohn Sun 29-Sep-13 02:49:58

one of my relations does, he's on his third now.

PigletJohn Sun 29-Sep-13 02:52:01

(this is alleged to be a French proverbsmile

"When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy"

Leverette Sun 29-Sep-13 03:31:46

Textfan that's crazy confused

Driz Sun 29-Sep-13 05:11:35

Yes brazenhussy, the wife who forgives probably does have very low self esteem. But what about the women who are the scraps on the side? Or the man who needs to validate themselves by having affairs, I would imagine their self esteem is rock bottom to behave that way!

TumADisgrace Sun 29-Sep-13 05:37:26

This is all very sexist. Of the affairs I know of, 3 of my professional girlfriends are having them.

Lazyjaney Sun 29-Sep-13 06:06:40

Quite. For every man having an affair, there is a woman having it with him.

I think the reasons for having affairs are varied, and the outcome depends on who the affair is with as well. You have to look at both of them to see the patterns, looking at the men only is half the story.

That being said, I think an affair in the past is a very good predictor of an affair in the future.

TumADisgrace Sun 29-Sep-13 07:30:44

Indeed, the 3 women I am referring to are all married and are having affairs with other married men. Btw, they all think they are in love but don't want to break up families. Only one seems to be managing it seamlessly, but she is a moral vacuum barrister so can always argue a justification.

maleview70 Sun 29-Sep-13 08:09:17

My ex wife left me for the OM......

Didn't work out as when push came to shove he couldn't leave his wife!

She has since our he'd from one disaster to another and bitterly regrets her actions although in my opinion we were not suited anyway and it would have happened at some point.....

maleview70 Sun 29-Sep-13 08:09:43

Moved

WantToMakeTheBestDecionForEver Sun 29-Sep-13 08:19:33

Why does she regret it maleview?

"Yes brazenhussy, the wife who forgives probably does have very low self esteem"

Oh that old cliche. Please do fuck off.

For all the heart rending stories you read on here there are many that you don't hear about. People don't tend to talk about the situations that work out in the end. Why? Who knows. I talk about mine, because it my case it is a way of dealing with it. On threads about reconciliation many strong, sorted women who have extremely high self esteem come out of the woodwork. They don't start threads of their own because they don't need the support. They have made their own peace.

I argue it takes a unique strength to make a successful go of things post an affair. I'm not talking about desperately hanging on, I'm talking about building a strong, mutually respectful relationship out of the ashes. It can and does happen. I had extremely low self esteem before DHs affair. We were in a bad place, two unhappy people who just couldn't make it work. I coped by withdrawing into myself and becoming depressed. He coped by having an affair, I think as a method of blowing everything out of the water in an attempt to escape our mutual misery. He was weak, a coward and cruel. He was also desperately unhappy. Did he make the right decision? Absolutely not. Am I glad it happened? Absolutely. If it hadn't happened I suspect we would now be divorced, and unhappy.

The fall out forced us to confront our issues. We separated, but made friends and for the first time in many years I actually had a vision of a happy future, but apart. We are now together, but are kinder, better people for it who appreciate each other in a way we never did before.

So fuck off with your low self esteem comment. It's incredibly short sighted and hurtful. Anyone who met me in real life would confirm that I'm about as far from that particular place as it is possible to be, and I am not alone in that.

Zombie thread

redundantandbitter Sun 29-Sep-13 09:04:37

I had a 1 yr old DD and a 4yr old DD when he contacted me via Internet to say hi, always fancied you at college etc. totally fell, hook line and sinker. Tbh my relationship was dead in the water and I should have addresses that first. But no, an affair started and was pain Pain pain for 18 months til Exw told him to go. He lives on his own and we saw each other as often as possible. Going a good job to build something strong while understanding each others commitments (he has 2 DD's) . Going well after 2 years and he has just told me he has found someone else more 'spiritual' completely out of the blue. Utterly shocked - actually laughted when he told me. He's lost the plot. Gone from being a responsible hard working family man (matted for 15yrs) to this. I fully expect a call from ExW when she finds out. Gulp. It's disappointing but a friend told me that her grandma always said 'a relationship finishes the way it started'.

ZingWantsCake Sun 29-Sep-13 09:04:38

akiss

so it is! shock

does the Zombie warning not come up on phones or something?

Although the question is eternal, so no "harm" done IMO

QuietTiger Sun 29-Sep-13 11:38:26

I've had 3 friends in this sort of situation.

My female BF, was the OW. "He" was her tutor at college (she was a mature student). The "affair" went on for 8 years, he left his wife for her several times and went back, eventually he left his wife for good and they have been blissfully married for 9 years. He walked away when his children were old enough for him to explain to them (late teens) and after giving his 1st wife everything - house, finances, the lot.

I would be genuinely shocked if he was cheating on my BF. She has an excellent relationship with his 2 adult sons and their OH's, but has stated it is a bit awkward at his family gatherings if his 1st wife is present. They are close friends of DH and I and are open about the circumstances in which they met, although they don't broadcast it widely.

My other "friend" is the cheating "D"H. He has had 4 affairs to my knowledge (not with me, I hasten to add, he was someone I knew at work) - all long term-ish, 3+ years. At the moment, he's trying to make a go of his sham of a marriage, because he has 3 teenage children and he doesn't want to be a "Saturday dad". His wife knows about 2 affairs.

He has no intention of ever leaving for whatever OW he has at the time of any affair, and is actually a right bit of a cunt. He got his DW pregnant in the middle of a 5 year affair with an OW, and told the OW it was "an accident"... OW went off the rails and had to move jobs because she thought he'd leave his wife for her so they could start a family. He claims he's "unhappy" but stays for the children. hmm He actually stays because he would be screwed financially if he and his wife divorced.

The 3rd friend, has just divorced at 50. Her ex-H screwed around in her marriage, had numerous affairs and really destroyed her. She is now having an affair with a man 15 years her junior, who is married with 2 small children. She claims she's not having an affair because she's not married and he's the one cheating. I've stopped taking her phone calls because I am fed up of her analysing how she is in the right to shag the married man. She's churning out all the cliches about how he's not understood by his wife, etc, etc. I'm not interested.

I don't judge any of them or their relationships, because it's not my place to, and my experience of different friends suggest that it's not black and white as it seems. BUT DH and I have discussed affairs with regards to our relationship and are both of the opinion that for us, an affair by either of us is an absolute deal breaker and that would be the end of our relationship.

Pinkpinot Sun 29-Sep-13 11:43:14

They leave when the wife finds out, kicks them out and they have nowhere else to go
They wouldn't have the balls to leave otherwise. Big generalisation, obviously

Driz Sun 29-Sep-13 15:15:29

If that fuck off was aimed at me worcestershiresauce, it is misplaced. I was quoting the OP and also pointing out that the person who has the affair and the OW have even lower self esteem to behave the way they do. HTH.

ThreeMyselfAndI Sun 29-Sep-13 15:16:26

my dh had an affair before we married 7 years ago left me and 2dds for her and set up home... a couple of months later he relises it was a huge mistake, we were young 20 with 2 kids and a home, I think he found it too much pressure, not that theres an excuse. we worked it out and he came home. the ow hounded me calls all hours, threats from her and her friends, painting me as the ow. I held my head high, married my now dh 3 years ago and we now have a 3rd dd. I don't believe he has or will repeat his awful behaviour and thats why I took him back I could see what we would be together. the pain never leaves though it does bubble to the surface now and again but we deal with it by talking.

I hate the ow and infidelity with a passion but sometimes love does prevail these situations.

Not much point quoting the OP on a 5 year old thread though

Driz Sun 29-Sep-13 16:23:11

No, it really isn't, I hadn't realised grin anyway, my point still stands that people who have affairs often have very low self esteem.

thebighouse Sun 29-Sep-13 16:33:28

I had an exit affair and we are still together two years later. We were both married to people who had cheated on us in the past.

We didn't have a physical relationship until we'd both left though. So it's not as though we snuck around much..,

crazyhead Sun 29-Sep-13 16:40:50

I am sure there are men out there who leave a bad marriage for their mistress and then are happily with them for the rest of their lives.

It's just that starting a relationship in an atmosphere of guilt and another family's distress and loss is a pretty inauspicious beginning. And if the man involved does happen to be an essentially a decent and sincere person (I personally don't subscribe to this idea that all people who have affairs are horrible) then once they have left their family and are with the mistress, they then need to work through all their feelings of sadness, guilt and grief for the previous relationship - particularly if children are involved.

So from the point of view of the mistress, they could face years of being in a relationship that isn't really about the new couple - it is horribly muddled up with the past.

missbopeep Sun 29-Sep-13 16:54:12

Yes of course they do. I know of several couple where the men have left for the OW- but equally, some haven't.

zombie thread

PigletJohn Sun 29-Sep-13 18:32:03

it's true, the number of men having affairs with women is almost exactly the same as the number of women having affairs with men.

Pilgit Sun 29-Sep-13 19:00:47

My dad did. He left my mum for a younger woman. I don't think he's cheated on her - but that's more because he hasn't been able to live with the guilt of having the affair in the first place and has become an alcoholic and is drinking himself to death. I don't think she was the first, thinking back but she will be the last. I don't think she bargained for him becoming an emotional wreck of an alcoholic who has now drank so much he has alcohol induced dementia, teeth that are rotting in his skull and a rather disturbing tendency to pass out. I think she went for him because he was rich. he isn't any more as she has spent it all and what she hasn't spent he's drank away.

nkf Sun 29-Sep-13 19:04:33

Sometimes "leave" is a bit misleading. The wife sometimes loses patience/interest and chucks him out. Sometimes, the knowledge of the affair causes both to throw in the towel. And I am sure sometimes a man leaves a woman who doesn't want to be left for a woman who wants him.

KingRollo Sun 29-Sep-13 19:09:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippingebay Sun 29-Sep-13 22:24:43

My DH didn't leave...
I actually now feel quite sorry for the OW, as soon as I found out he dumped her and cut all contact etc (which was the right thing to do for me) but if I look at what he used to say to her, I read lots of texts and emails, declaring his undying love blah blah, she must have felt like a right mug and completely used.

Nothing to what I went through finding out my DH had an affair less than 6 months after we were married - but that's another story.

usedandabusedthentossedaside Mon 30-Sep-13 10:32:14

Being a complete twunt is not the exclusive domain of men. Self entitlement and a complete disregard of others emotions and feelings are actions shared by women as well.
My best friend and soul mate ( well I thought she was ) walked out leaving me and five children broken and confused. She has no contact with the children youngest being two and happily flaunts her new life with the om.
I recently spoke to her father who said she did it as she loved him. Since when does the love for another usurp the love we have for our children.
My loss is insignificant in the face of the loss that the children have faced and that for many in this situation is the hardest thing seeing the pain that children go through when people cheat.

Madeleine10 Mon 30-Sep-13 11:42:56

Yes, in my own experience. He wasn't married but had been living with his partner for about ten years, no children. we have been together for about 15 years and married for 7 of those , and are very happy indeed.

It was a long, long story, but both his ex and him should have split years beore they did - she has been very happily living with someone else for a long time now, and (in her words to me - we get on fine), it was the best thing that ever happened to both of them.

I'm aware that this is not the norm, though!

butterballs9 Mon 30-Sep-13 16:54:59

crazyhead - yes, you have hit the nail on the head. If the man marries the mistress on the rebound - for instance wife has chucked him out after discovering the affair and won't/can't forgive him, then it is in all probability not going to be a very successful relationship. Simply because it is not a great foundation for a successful relationship to have an angry and upset ex-wife and maybe disturbed children as the backdrop to the next marriage.

As a mistress, you would have to be pretty naive to imagine that this would be a good foundation for future happiness. And also astonishingly lacking in empathy for the ex-wife (assuming she wasn't a complete cow).

I can think of one example where this is exactly what happened. The man had an opportunistic affair with a much younger woman who was flattered by his attentions. For him it was an ego-stroke and based on sex. She naively assumed it was far more and they would be together were it not for his wife getting in the way. In any case, it is most definitely a case of 'affairing down' as, had the husband been single, she would not have stood a chance in hell.

There is the inevitable discovery-day, partly because the mistress is far from discreet, wants to come between the husband and wife, and claim the errant husband for herself. Wife's world is turned upside down - not helped by the fact that the mistress is using all the guilt and drama of the situation to drive a bigger wedge between husband and wife.

Errant husband is full of guilt, shame and remorse but it is too late - wife is a woman scorned and feels her pride is at stake (especially with predatory mistress not backing down) so demands a divorce.

Husband, full of guilt and shame, is left with the booby prize - the mistress who had never had any intention of spending the rest of his life with. She was simply a prop for his marriage in which the sex had become mundane and/or infrequent to non-existent. And he hadn't realized that, at heart, she is a bit of a bunny boiler who will not stop at anything to 'get her man' and is a women who sees other women as competition (some men can't spot this).

Mistress is elated at her 'conquest' and manages to get the still shell-shocked husband (who cannot understand why his ex-wife is so angry) to agree to marry. Making the best of a bad job, and figuring that it is better to make at least one of the women in his life happy, he agrees to marry.

The petals have scarcely faded from the second wedding floral displays than husband already has itchy feet. He feels he married under pressure, and beneath him (both true) and he also has not exorcised his demons from his last marriage.

In my opinion, a remarriage can really only work if the couple were truly ill-matched in the first place, or the marriage was abusive or desperately unhappy OR the marriage was okay but the couple have grown apart and can split amicably. If the split is acrimonious and the couple have not learned lessons from what happened then it is almost inevitable that history will repeat itself.

salyerskim Sun 21-Dec-14 08:06:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FredZeppelin Sun 21-Dec-14 09:07:30

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