has anyone been left out of an NCT group inexplicably?

[CrushWithEyeliner]

It has happened to my friend and I just wanted to reassure her and perk her up. She has found out they are all hooking up without her. I really feel awful for her they have done such a shitty thing.
My group was a v small bunch but we persevere and meet up when we can I am only v close to 2 others and realise it can be a gamble but have never heard of anything so mean as this....

[luvaduck]

god how mean
you poor friend

[belgo]

Maybe she was just missed off the email list?

[witchandchips]

Knowing how mine worked (arrangements made in a kind of chinese whispers way) my guess is it is oversight rather than a slight so that the person who was supposed to ask her forgot. I would suggest she just arranges another meet up herself.

[belgo]

I think it's rarely anything malicious, just oversight as witchandchips says. Good idea for her to organise something herself.

[Hecate]

Yeah, it happens. I went to antenatal classes and after we all had the kids we continued to meet up. They were friendly enough, as was I, but we didn't really have that much in common other than we happened by chance to have babies at the same time and signed up for the same course. A couple of them got on really well and became the best of friends, going on holiday together, always being at each others houses. I felt a bit left out, (ok, jealous!) but I got over it

Those 2 just liked each other much more than they liked me or anyone else in the group. such is life.

The rest of us, well, the whole group thing just fizzled out, by the end of a year I had lost touch with all of them.

Your friend needs to go out there and find different groups of people. When she finds people she has things in common with (apart from child of same age!) then they'll be a friend.

[superflybaby]

Perhaps they just have nothing in common. My NCT group fell apart early on, apart from having babies we had 0 shared interests.
Reassure her NCT groups are not the be all and end all, if she gets out & about doing things that she enjoys she should meet other like minded people. I wish her good luck.

[superflybaby]

Hectate - great minds think alike, sorry must have been typing same time as you!

[elkiedee]

It sounds quite hurtful if that's what's happened. It could be a silly reason though - I discovered that the person who started off the emails to arrange our first postnatal meetup had got one person's email wrong and missed out a letter.

But my postnatal group did fizzle out as we had different circumstances and most people returned to work sooner than I did etc.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

thanks all - I don't think it's an oversite as they all have her contact details. Friend lives close to them all and walked by the local coffee place and ALL of the group were sitting there -bar her-. They saw her an it was v awkward apparently not just the "oh hi we tried to call you come and join us" scenario more like "oh shit". I don't buy that people could just get on better at the early baby stage when all you talk about is the babies and their sleeping and eating kind of thing...

Oh I just feel so bad for her, she is really upset and says she doesn't want to bother with any more groups

[theyoungvisiter]

can she not email round and organise something for everyone altogether?

I agree it's shitty if they are doing it deliberately but it's more likely that either it's a silly mistake, or else that 2/3 people who live near each other are meeting up, then 2/3 others who have a shared interest are meeting there, etc etc.

It may be a case of being proactive and organising something for the whole group that she can be part of. If she's the one doing the organising then she can't possibly be left out, and chances are the others will be grateful that she's taking on a task.

[theyoungvisiter]

oh sorry - just cross-posted with your last. That does sound bad - but I really can't believe that a new group would do this deliberately for no reason. Is it not more likely that they all got embarrassed when they realised that no-one had remembered to call her?

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[MegBusset]

I had a similar problem at my NCT postnatal group. There was a clique of mums all of whom I got on with well (or so I thought). They would sit and discuss where they were meeting for lunch right in front of me. In the end I stopped going to that group, but found another one where the mums were much friendlier and less rude. I think perhaps I didn't fit in with the NCT lot as I wasn't 'yummy mummy' enough for them!

[cthea]

"she is really upset and says she doesn't want to bother with any more groups" I can see why she'd think that. At some stage I asked myself "Why am I wasting my time drinking cappuccinos with these women and ignoring my DC in the process?". Depends on the group of people too. At some stage you get bored of talking about nannies, cleaners, second homes, holidays, obviously nappies, teething etc. It can sound just an opportunity for reciprocal bragging for 1 hour a week.

OTOH your friend may have missed some of the meetings and that's why they didn't bother cc-ing her in the emails, if they knew she'd not turn up.

[theyoungvisiter]

I guess it depends whether she likes these people and wants to persevere.

If she does, she needs to take a leap of faith and just send around a pleasant email saying "sorry not to have seen you all recently - shall we meet for a coffee at X?". She is sure to get SOME takers. As Pruners says - there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for the awkward meeting.

If on the other hand she genuinely thinks this is a bunch of two-faced cows then she's better off without them and needs to write them off and join a nice post-natal group. it's not the end of the world not to get on with a group - I see my antenatal group regularly, 2 years on, but I rarely ever meet anyone from my postnatal group even though I know lots of them are still in touch.

[cthea]

I think this can occur in any group of women, it's an artificial set-up at the end of the day. You may end up with one friend or let's say acquaintance that you wouldn't mind meeting again but can't expect to make fast friends in that way. A bit like the antenatal groups on MN. You spend months and months in each others' pockets, then drift away, perhaps never having met up.