Husband does not want to have sex - ever

[LostinOz]

Have name changed for this, cowardly I know, and long, sorry. There have been many discussions on whether a marriage can survive without sex, the consensus seeming to be for the ones I have read, that it is OK as long as both agree to it. I am very confused at my personal feelings.

Bit of backgound. I live in Australia, moved here 18 months ago for hubbys job, have a lovely house, granite worktops, swimming pool and have become a SAM. When I met DH, we both had full on careers, travelled a lot.I had been with a number of short and bad relationships. Was not love at first sight or passionate really with DH but he was (and still is a lovely bloke), great company and solid and steady.

Sex dwindled to nothing pretty quickly, I put it down to us having to go through IVF to conceive. We also were both career mad, pretty exhausing.

After I got pregnant we did not have sex for 18 months, pregnancy + 10 months. Since then we have sex 2/3ish times a year. Always instigated by me. After the birth of DS (4) I started to really need sex, wanting the closeness of it.He refuses to discuss our lack of it, saying "I know I Know" when I want to talk about it. He is a very closed person and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Now in Oz he works away 3 out of 4 weeks a month. For the nights he is home he goes to the gym or stays up late. I have started noticing that this is deliberate. He is avoiding the bedroom. I have started to feel very lonely, unattractive and the biscuit barrel is my new best friend, counter acted by me habitually running, feel better after that.

Last night I made him talk about it, he says he just does not want to have sex at all. I now do not want him to touch me at all. In all other ways we get on well, he is a brilliant Dad and provider.

I just feel my life is pointless with no work fun, I am on my own all the time supporting him in raising the family, keeping in touch with family back home, making sure we have a great social life (we are seen as a very happy couple). Work gets all the energy from DH and I get a good mate and an easy life and ability to do pretty much what I want.

I feel like I am living a lie and shutting down part of who I am, have always been pretty sexually active before DH. When he came along he was like a lovely comfy pair of slippers that I could finally settle with.

Loads of my mates work full time, with rubbish partners and little cash. I am the opposite, sometimes I just needed to be reminded which was is up. My alternative would be us back in london, him in Oz, twice a year visits for DS, me working full time again, him in childcare.

However I am starting to find this appealing, the challenge of it I think and freedom to go back to unpredicatble relationships.

Anyone with any thoughts or experience on this?? Would appreciate it, big time x

[ThatBigGermanPrison]

It isn't reasonable to expect your spouse to accept that you never want to have sex again and will go no way towards fixing this situation. I suggest you insist on going to Relate.

[MadameOvary]

I was with someone who never wanted to have sex, it drove me up the wall. However that wouldnt have mattered if we'd been close in other ways.
Does he say WHY he does not want to have sex? With me it was as you say - he preferred to put his energy into his work. Does not sound as though he is particularly sexual, reading what you say. If so there isnt much you can do I'm afraid, just weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship.

I would think very carefully about the lure of "unpredictable relationships" - the novelty would wear off VERY quickly IMO, and see it as a symptom of how bored you are rather than something to act on. However if London is really a draw you could try discussing it long and hard with DH - he needs to know this is how you feel.

[cathcat]

Much sympathy on this one, the lack of closeness and initmacy (sp? it is late here!) can be hard to live with. I think many men would rather cut off their right arm than talk about their feelings or 'performance'. But I agree that you should get help from an organisation like Relate. Or can your doctor refer you to Sex counselling? Your DH needs to understand how his position on this is affecting you and how unhappy it will make you. It sounds like you love him and want your marriage to work so you need to persuade him to get help on this together.

[LostinOz]

Thanks, and yes I agree about the lure. I find being a SAM hard work and boring. I do it alone and then when DH comes back he is working, knackered or at the gym. We have lovely meals and days out and wine and get on well, but I do not have any excitement or fun. Nor do i feel at all attractive, quite the opposite.
Typing this, I realise how shallow this all sounds. I mean the world to him. He works like a dog to make a great life for us. All he wants in return is a happy home and my company. He goes away and I don't really miss him anymore, nice to have him back, but like a friend. My Ds however counts the days and adores him.
Just feeling like I have sold out and that I am not being true to myself.
Worry this is escapism??
Thanks again

[LostinOz]

I have gone off him totally physically now, even though he looks so much better with his gym trips. He cuddles me and I cringe. When I want sex it is purely physical need. Have bought a rabbit, so even that is being met.
Work is totally top of his list and he jumps at any work request. I cannot understand how he can leave DS for that length of time, I am a SAM as I feel like a need to parent for 2, but find it really hard.
No perks for me other than a lovely house and ability to waste time in coffee shops.
Feel like I am selling my soul

[donovan]

does he hug you or touch you in any way, even non sexual. If he doesn't it can make for a long lonely life ... believe me.

[cathcat]

Perhaps you could work part-time to give you another outlet? You might find it gives you something else in your life and help negate the 'selling your soul' feeling.
You say you cringe when he cuddles you but you want sex? You really need help to work through this or you might not be able to move forwards.

[MadameOvary]

I have to say I think "excitement and fun" can be over-rated. I was talking to a good friend who recently had an affair as a response to a bad patch in her relationship. It was glorious and exciting but could never go anywhere and all she really wanted was for her DP to meet her needs a bit more as she loves him, but he had proved spectacularly unwilling to do so.

Now the affair is over and her relationship has turned a corner and is looking positive, she is feeling guilty. If your DH has so much to offer I would go all out to do what you can to get him to understand how you feel, even if it involved a third party.

[MadameOvary]

I mean counselling not affair

[LostinOz]

Yes, probably should talk to the third party but part of me is afraid to, to open the pandora's box. I had an affair when my son was 18 mnths, over very quickly, was blatent about it. My DH forgave me very quickly and has never mentioned it again. He works with this person and does still. I cannot understand how he could just dismiss it. Also got done for drinking a driving, had been drinking wine on a Monday lunchtime in my kitchen before childcare pick up, on my own, in my gym kit. Was only slightly over (they are sticter here than UK) but still.. I went to counselling on my own after that, instigated my me, the counsellor focused alamost everything on my husband e.g his behaviours. I didn't go back as I did not want to hear what she was saying.
The affair happened after I had been managing a building project alone with a newborn for a year,I was pleading for help both with the project and for some physical intimacy. DH was chasing a promotion and working out of town for long spells and knackered when he came back.
The affair was with a long term friend who offerred an ear. Never ever done anything like that before, and believe me, never will, was so messy.
I think you are right, cannot hide from the elephants any more,
Thx

[cathcat]

That sounds very painful and messy. Perhaps this affair that he doesn't want to talk about is the deep-seated problem here? Wishing you lots of luck.

[solidgoldbrass]

Oh dear, sounds like this relationship is over. If you cringe when he touches you then ou can;t go on living with him, it's not good for either of you.
It is never right or fair for one partner to take a unilateral decision that the relationship is never going to include sex again. Fair options include discussing the situation with regard to:
Amicable separation
The sexually reluctant partner working on the reasons for his/her sexual reluctance
The sexually reluctant partner accepting the other partner's right to seek sex elsewhere (sometimes this is the best solution but for it to work then everything else in the relationship has got to be valued deeply by both partners)
If none of these are happening then one partner is acheiving his/her contentment at the expense of the other partner's happiness, and ignoring the other partner's distress, which is WRONG.

[LostinOz]

I am also really close to my family and miss them like mad. DH does not have much contact at all with his and contacts only to fulfil duty. My family were gutted when we said we were moving to Oz, get emails like "feeld like there has been a death in the family " etc stab stab.
Find this hard to deal with too, he is just emotionally barren, closed to everything.
Have thought that I need to work again, just feel such an enormous duty to my DS as we don't have family here. Also, worried that if I work, i REALLY am doing it all, e.g managing house, family etc and will feel resentful even more.
Off to a party today, out for a lovely day trip tomorrow, we don't fight, we enjoy each others company, just sometimes don't quite meet each others eye...

[donovan]

Its as if you are greaving for the life you thought you would have, and haven't got, in the UK.
Sex and a close relationship aside, what do you want for YOU? more education, a job, a wider circle of friends, another child (IVF?)

[LostinOz]

A close intimate relationship, to feel like I used to with DH, like we could conquer the world, to feel like I was special, to have a laugh.

[donovan]

My French Grandma once told me the way to feel happy was to pretend you are happy, a false smile! I think that it has to have some substance to it.

[LostinOz]

Yes, I think their is sometruth their, thanks for all the postings, I really want to work through this. Yesterday we had a really nice day at a friends party and met a new familywho have just here and we clicked,I am meeting similar types to myself all the time. DH was on good form and we had a nice time as a couple. Today we are heading out today with a picnic, my DS is so excited. Life could be a lot lot worse.
Have a lovely rest of weekend Mums and thanks x

[brightongirldownunder]

Hi Lost

Where are you?
I'm in Sydney - have a similar situation (though not as drastic). If you need a shoulder am very happy to meet up.
It could well be that he's finding it hard seeing you as a sexual being after childbirth. I know this is my Dh's problem. we're slowly working through things and have started going out for meals together, which has really helped. Got any good babysitters?
I too have those moments where I feel he's no longer attractive, even though he's looking better than ever. Think its the hormones....frustration can sometimes do that.
Plus there's a very sexy french guy in the local organic shop which doesn't help.

Hope you had a good weekend - you can always CAT me..I've only been here 6 months and really miss home, my friends, my career etc. so don't think its just you.

x

[Gina80]

Is it possible that he has changed towards you because of the affair you had? My friend 'forgave' her husband as she cared for him and wanted to maintain their life together for the sake of their children. However, she could not bring herself to touch him physically as she was always reminded

[LostinOz]

Hey brightgirl, thanks for the message and offer, shall look up what CAT means, I am a bit new to this. I am in Melbourne.

The problems with sex,if I am being honest were there before we even got married. I was working so hard and travelleing too that I didn't really notice, did mention it once or twice,but eveything else was go good that it was not an issue. On honeymoon, when were were together solidly, in the most romantic of places, we had sex twice in 2 weeks.He blamed the fact that our honeymoon was over the Sept 11 events...???

I tried to chat to him last night about it all. He says that I need to be clear what my expectations are of him, however the more he says stuff like that the less I want to bother. It is like he will put it in his blackberry along with reminders to call his Mum on her birthday. Honestly,unlessI mentioned the sex word, he would never have the urge to do it spontaneoulsy, has said he just not get the urge at all.

Gina, I do wonder about the affair. It is a very long story, but he had me spied on for 2 weeks,gathered all the evidence, then told work before talking to me. He said because he worked with the person I was having an affair with (who was more senior than him), he was protecting his position. When he told me, work had known for a week,I also work there. He confronted me, I fessed up, he told me that he took the blame for it (as I had been begging for some support with going back to work, the building project and also for sex,once in over 2 years) and that I was forgiven. Later that morning I got a letter from work suspending me following an investigation as my husband had filed a harrassment claim against the other person.

All so messy. I did go back to work, but everyone knew, the other person got a major dinging and a side ways move. When the job offer came to move to Aus, we both jumped at it, me, as I could leave the UK, him as it was a really great promotion.

Since being here, in Melbourne, I have no history, but I also feel lost.He now travels Mon-Fri all over Asia. I do coffee and school runs.

He is a lovely bloke,total workaholic.When I asked him what his expecations of me were,he said "none". I think he means it. He just wants me to do what I want as long as I am around and he has a weekend family.

Had a great family day yesterday and all in bed this morning giving Daddy a hug before he flies off...

So hard..

[IWasTheBadOne]

LostinOz not sure if you'll see this, but I just found this thread and was wondering how things are going for you? I am in Singapore, and am having exactly the same problems in my marriage; I mean, really I could have written everything you did. If you see this please let me know if you have any updates or advice because I am at al loss how to deal with it. Thanks

[pinkstarlight]

i would want to know more he cant turn round and say hes doesnt want to have sex with you at all will out telling you why.

you need to ask your self is this enough for you for the rest of your life.if its not tell him that he has to start talking and work at your marriage. does he need to see a doctor is he suffering depression or stresse.dont worry about hurting him theres 2 of you to consider not just him

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

Old thread alert!!

IWasthebadone - maybe try sending the original OP a private message, or start your own thread so we can help you