Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex is the only thing doesn't work for us....

(98 Posts)
pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 08:01:22

We are the ideal couple (almost). Virtually everything else works for us. We are lucky to have wonderful DC, both very successful in our careers, attractive, supportive, healthy and both considerate to each other etc etc. Only problem is that DP is happy with say "once a month" and "once per day" is my ideal but I would happily live with say 2/3 times per week. Have talked it through several times. Seems insoluable and discussion sometimes leads to argument. I sometimes think that DP wouldn't mind if I discreetly satisfied my desire on the side but DP would never say so. Don't want to hurt anyone but deep unfulfiled desire burns Any advice?

...sorry about name change

I don't usually post on these threads but reading your op I don't know if you are a man or a woman. Might help other posters if you specify.

allgonebellyup Sun 13-Jul-08 08:35:24

hhmm, assuming you are the woman - does he not have much of a sex drive? or do you still think he masturbates etc on the sly??

could you go to relate?

Does it matter what gender each person is?

Is a middle-way possible - cuddling up and masturbating, 'lesser' sex acts?

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 09:03:41

DP doesn't have that much s-drive. I am fairly sure it is not masturbation. When DP has spare time would rather do theatre, chat to friends on the phone, watch TV, gym etc. I go along with this, cuddle up and hope that I will get treat at the end but usually ends with disappointment or even argument. DP is not one to open up to counselling. Thinks it is intrusive. I definitely don't want to leave DP and DC but masturbation is decidedly unsatisfactory.

Relate have books you can work through to improve the relationship ... I know you say sex is the only problem, but surely if discussion about sex leads to argument, there's room for improvement there.

I've read that problems with sex are generally not about sex - the person who wants more sex ends up feeling rejected, unloved, unfancied, etc etc.

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 09:27:39

It seems that it gets worse by making it an issue. DP does love, i think. No affair; just not wired up for frequent romps. Perhaps a bit of repression. If I try to "change" DP then causes more problems

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 10:13:21

NQC- thanks for the suggestion about the Relate books, worth a try. I can't see myself breaking up family but I sometimes consider opportunities to obtain satisfaction outside. But this is far from ideal. And discussing the issue just causes problems. My resolve is to suppress my desire and hope that it will wane with age sad. But the temptation is great especially given opportunity to be discreet.

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 10:16:10

I agree with NQC- if I say whether man or woman then only prejudices opinion/views?

LaDiDaDi Sun 13-Jul-08 10:25:24

Did you ever have sex more frequently, even if not to your ideal of once/day?

allgonebellyup Sun 13-Jul-08 10:32:09

pulsar- i am getting the feeling you are the man, i guess its common knowledge but women are known to be so knackered from looking after the kids that the last thing they want is another person pawing at them all the time.

Some women seem to have lower sex drives after kids, though it may be genuine exhaustion..
Would your partner really not care if you had sex elsewhere??
i used to say i didnt mind if dh slept with someone else, but when it happened and he made them pg, i was suicidal..
be careful that you dont follow temptation and risk losing your family..

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 10:48:56

LaDi- we were having about once per week when we were dating. We lived far apart and had to meet. Did fall off after settling and then again after DC

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 10:51:13

allgone- yes we even joked about it but i agree that if i were caught then it would be dramatic. I wouldn't take this decision lightly. Most likely that i just keep plugging away but don't want to be consumed by bitterness either

LaDiDaDi Sun 13-Jul-08 10:59:57

I think that your dp has always had a lower sex drive than you but in the early days life was more exciting/dp felt more of a need to make an effort for you sexually hence sex was more frequent. In other words it doesn't sound like dp has gone off you just that over time they have gone back to normal for them.

I would suggest that you nsure that dp is as happy as possile in other areas of life, what else can you do to help them unwind at home and be relaxed? Could this improve things?
I also think that it's important that you are able to communicate about this with your partner; does it end it rows because they feel under pressure from you? Perhaps try some Relate literature to work out if you could raise the issue in amore productive way? Certainly do not raise it in a way that links the discussion to a rejected sexual advance as your dp is likely to be very defensive. I would also suggest not trying to initiate sex for a while but following their lead only re cuddles and kissses, see what happens if they feel under less pressure.

LaDiDaDi Sun 13-Jul-08 11:00:31

Do not seek sex outside of your relationship unless you would be happy for it to end imo.

zippitippitoes Sun 13-Jul-08 11:04:53

i agree that she has probably never had agreat sedx drive

also possiblky she is someone who compromised on the relationship and has more respect and care for uyou than she does sexual desire

i think incompatible sex drives/desires are very hard to live with

certainly looking elsewhere whether with a prostitue or anyone isnt really a satisfactory answer unless dp actually openly discusses thast and you agree and it could still be fraught with problems for most people i think

just saying she as its easier than he/she

LaDiDaDi Sun 13-Jul-08 11:07:35

I think zippi's second point is a really important one to consider but quite hard to think about as we all want our partners to love us for our personalities but to find us wildly physically attractive too but actually often people make compromises and sometimes two halves of are partnership may have compromised in different areas.

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 11:26:32

Zipp and LaDi- very wise points, thank yu so much. The sex thing is secondary as we have much else to be thankful for and life is never ideal but sometimes it gets me REALLY down, yet I know that it would make DP very unhappy if I tried too hard to change DP, issued ultimatum etc. So I am trying to cope on my side.

zippitippitoes Sun 13-Jul-08 11:31:31

i am in a long distance relationship at the moment and we have a lot of sex when we are together, i have wondered how much this is what our relationship is about and what would happen if we ever lived together

we have lots in common but until ytou do become live in partners it is hard to say how compatible you are

it is a really sensitive area when it is out of balance

you sound very sensitive but i think you need to somehow discuss your feelings

zippitippitoes Sun 13-Jul-08 11:32:32

i enjoy the lots of sex at the moment but cant imagine keepiing it up permanently

pulsar Sun 13-Jul-08 11:57:36

Thnks Zip. I think we are both settled with each other and have so much to lose if we split. But is that part of the problem? I tried abstaining for 4 months as protest but DP didn't even notice. DP just carried on happily and then when I finally sulked we had an argument which then does more damage/applies more pressure. Also if I spoke to DP friend/relative about it then that would be seen as the ultimate betrayal so i just have find little ways of coping. But I don't want this to poison me long term. I am very committed but I do look at other people of opposite sex now and find my mind wandering. But I am resolved to not doing anything high risk.

Long distance gives an extra rush/energy when you met up. Fond memories! But when you are together everyday it loses the edge.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 17:38:13

Pulsar- you are a man, aren't you? Please say yes or my antenae aren't working as well as I'd like them to!

"Resolved not to do anything high risk"?

Does this mean you would have an affair if it was a) handed to you on a plate and b) unlikely to be discovered?

Have you asked your partner why she/he is not keen? IMO sex is a good indication of the strength of a relationship - women often withhold sex if they are unhappy with other aspects of the relationship.

Have you talked any of this through?

Hmm, I don't think how much one fancies someone is just down to how they look, particularly in a longterm relationship. I think it's possible pulsar's partner doesn't have that strong a sex drive, or s/he is unhappy in the relationship, in some sense, or both.

A low sex drive can be down to body image issues, or other psychological issues, or expectations of how women and men are supposed to be. Exercise, good diet, time off, etc etc, can all help.

skidoodle Sun 13-Jul-08 17:57:44

pulsar

I think you've made a pretty good point by your Joan Armatrading-style refusal to specify gender. I'm pretty sure you're a man and I think I even might know which man, but let's leave that aside.

girlnextdoor makes a good point - is it possible your DP is withholding sex because they are unhappy with other parts of the relationship?

You mention "going along" with other activities and cuddles in the hope of having sex in the end and being disappointed. Can you imagine how it must feel for your DP to know that every cuddle, every physical contact is making you hopeful of sex? Because believe me, they do know that. It must put a huge amount of pressure on whatever intimacy currently exists between you. This is how you end up hearing about relationships where the couple don't ever hold hands or kiss.

On the other hand, it's not really fair of your DP if they know you'd like more sex and they just can't be bothered to make the effort except when it suits them. It must be heartbreaking to feel constantly rejected by a partner who isn't interested in sex.

girlnextdoor Sun 13-Jul-08 18:05:03

pulsar- is your missing sex and not getting enough, down to the sheer physical pleasure- "scratching an itch", almost-or is it the lack of warmth and communication with your partner that you miss?

If you are wanting more sex just to have pure physical satisfaction, and your wife (??) knows it is not linked to being emotionally close to her- which is what most ( not all) women want, then I can understand why she might not play.

I also agree with skidoo when she says that your wife(?) will always sense you want more and that it will put her under pressure- which will not get you what you want!

Talk, talk, talk- there is more to this problem than just basic urges.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now