MIL trouble - again. Wtf is her problem?

[totalmisfit]

MIL calls last week - says she's coming to see dd this weekend. We don't get much of a say in the matter as she lives 200 miles away and only comes to see dd when she's visiting friends anyway. so we always have to fit in with her plans. We say, ok great, as we didn't have anything on.

We're currently trying to sell our flat - it's a total nightmare as we have to relocate at the end of August so dp can start his new job. 2 days after we made our arrangements with MIL, our buyer pulls out and all hell breaks loose as you can imagine.

I told dp i couldn't cope with the stress of MIL arriving on top of all this - dp and i will probably be at each other's throats besides everything else. MIL and i have had a terrible relationship ever since she tried to bribe dp into leaving me when i was 3 months pregnant (some of you might remember my rants from previous threads). Let's just say that her occasional visits are stressful at the best of times let alone at a time like this.

So dp has called her repeatedly to try to reschedule since we got the news. She has neither answered the phone, returned his calls or replied to any of his emails.

Today i get a text from my mum, saying that MIL had been calling her about all this. I said 'well that's crazy - you're not our keeper - what does she think she has to gain by calling you?' and my mum agreed. I also raised the rhetorical question of why she couldn't simply return her son's calls or answer his email - again my mum agreed and said she'd just tell her to speak directly to dp if she called again.

I shouldn't be surprised, she's pulled many stunts like this in the past. I understand that she wants to see dd. Why can't she try and fit in with our situation rather than always expecting us to jump at her say-so?

And why the feck won't she simply communicate with her own son, rather than dragging my mum into this (again) when she hardly knows her. My mother has made many friendly overtures to her over the years, and MIL has always turned her down flat. Clearly my mum is not 'her kind of person'. But then whenever she wants something she's pestering her like a small child, regardless of the fact that she's met her once and that was more coincidence than anything planned.

I just can't take this shit right now.

[OverMyDeadBody]

sounds awful. Sorry you're in this situation, I don't really have any advice to give apart from stand your ground. Your MIL sounds qute manipulative and controlling.

[LittleBella]

Your MIL is a loon.

Just make arrangements to have a nice, relaxing break away that weekend.

She'll never descend on you again. Sometimes, you just have to do the harshest thing possible to show that you won't be fucked with. Your MIL won't accept any reasonable language, this is one instance where you have to fight fire with fire. If she chooses not to communicate, she can't complain if she arrives and you're not there.

[totalmisfit]

thanks OMDB. i was half expecting everyone to say i was being the bitch in this sitution. she's so manipulative, half the time i do end up blaming myself... like the time she faked an angina attack and tried to blame me for it...but's that's another thread.

LittleBella - i would love to get away somewhere unfortunately we're a bit hemmed in by financial circumstances. I have tried over the years to show her i 'won't be fucked with' but - oh my god- she pushes me to the brink of tears and she knows exactly how to push my buttons.

[cyteen]

If you can't afford to fully go away for the weekend, just go out for the day (all day) when she is due to arrive. Then when you get back, if she's still hanging around, just say "Oh, we tried and tried to get hold of you to let you know we were unavoidably going to be out all day - didn't you get our messages?" Smile sweetly and hopefully watch her head explode

[Tortington]

youhold all the cards here honey, you have her son her grandchild etc

shes trying to pull alpha female shit - by creating all this drama around her

i would phone hr myself. refer to previous phonecalls and say - due to move we will not be a tthe flat we are staying at a friends house.

just lie

[totalmisfit]

exactly custardo - she really does try to assert herself as the dominant female at every turn. Now she's got my own mother in on the act. Just had an earful from her demading to know why 'i couldn't just let dp and dd go and meet her' as if i'm the only one feeling stressed about the move, or as if i'm using it as an excuse not to see her. and 'let' him go? As if i'm actively vetting what he does and doesn't do!

All i feel can do is stand my ground and repeat the mantra 'it's not convenient, we're stressed up to our eyeballs as it is.' until i'm blue in the face.

fucking woman. i rue the day i met her, i really do. how is it possible that i've fallen for the son of a she-devil?

So we're not allowed to change our plans. Ever. because that would just be me putting 'the scuppers on their plans' Even if we're going through hell. Because she will throw a tantrum. We may live 200 miles from her, but we're not allowed to be autonomous.

Oh, and she finally relented and spoke to dp yesterday and threw a hissy fit. 'I'm not even going to come down and see my friends now. she's ruined my weekend' toys out of pram etc etc

[superloopy]

I too have a pushy MIL who seems to think she knows best and visits when it is most suitable for her.

Luckily I am in another hemisphere to her!!

Last year she insisted on coming to visit us and planned to arrive 3 days after our baby was due. DH tried several times to talk her out of visiting then and to come later after the baby was born but she wouldn't.

So anyway she stayed for 10 days and DS was born 13 days over due - 6 hrs before she flew back to the UK. She saw him briefly at the hospital before she went to the airport.

This year she asked permission to come before she booked her flights.

I say stick to your guns as it appears you have won this round!

[totalmisfit]

thanks - not sure if i've won really. dp got a call from her this afternoon 'i'm at the end of the road. i want to see my son, can you come and meet me?'

She always talks like that to him - not 'i want to see you' but 'i want to see my son' i think it just helps her crank up the melodrama another notch.

i told him he had to stand up to her. this kind of crass manipulation is totally unacceptable. after her tantrum yesterday and 'oh i'm not coming now - she's ruined everything' she drives 200 miles to stand at the end of the road making demands on my partner! attention-seeking doesn't even begin to describe it. and he buys into it wholesale. I have to be the bad guy trying to point out to him what she's up to.

[gscrym]

Whenever she tries to arrange to see you, have something else on. It doesn't sound like the priority of any visit is family, they simply get tagged onto a friend visit. Try to make it suit you when she visits.

[beanieb]

That's weird. She drove 200 miles and then stood at the end of the road. At first, when I read your first post, I was thinking maybe 'give her a break' but that's loon behaviour.

[gscrym]

Why can blokes never see past childish, attention grabbing behaviour from their mums. DH is like that while his other 3 brothers can tell her where to go. I hope to never become an emotionally dependent harriden to DS when he's older.

[skidoodle]

If he does buy into it wholesale, then your problem is more with him than with her.

Sorry for all you're going through. You sound so stressed and the situation sounds so exhausting.

I guess all you can do for now is try stay as calm as possible and rise above it. I say this, but I would be a basketcase if I had to deal with someone like her on anything approaching a regular basis.

[skidoodle]

LOL @ gsxrym

are your DH's brothers all women?

[gscrym]

I think they're just better at screening calls and looking disinterested when she starts winging to be honest.

They do the rounds of all of them on the one day for visits. Whoever they call on first has to phone the others to warn them they have to leave the house.

[beanieb]

"I hope to never become an emotionally dependent harriden to DS when he's older."

I hope I am never perceived incorrectly as an emotionally dependent harriden

I think the mother in law/daughter in law relationship must be the hardest relationship ever. Still think this MIL is a loon though.

[gscrym]

DS will be told at a suitable age that I've to be shut away and ignored. Also if his future wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/life partner thinks I'm a bitch/loon/emotionally dependent harriden, he is to tell me this and I shall cry, wail and tell him 'I carried you near my heart for 9 months and this is how you treat me!'.

God, can you imagine what our DIL's will be saying about us in years to come.

[beanieb]

lol, I live in fear!

[Anniegetyourgun]

My prospective daughter-in-law is lovely. I can't imagine even wanting to play mind games with her. But there again that might be because I don't have the time, energy or inclination to keep running DS1's life for him. Plus he'd see through me like a shot if I tried - he always has.

[totalmisfit]

exactly - i love my dd so much- and i know we all do- but i can't ever imagine treating someone she loved badly. Even with MIL, it's not like i don't want a good relationship with her. It's just every time i feel like we might be making progress she seems compelled to do something crazy/incredibly offensive. lots of stuff i can't be arsed to mention here, don't wanna bore you with it, but you get the gist.