DH needing support..what to do?

[Twelvelegs]

My DH have been having issues, lots of arguements, expecting 4th child, disorganised house etc. Occasional abusive language from me, a lot from him. Realte kicked us out because dh couldn't stick to time out and then we found out that the counsellor was best friends with someone we knew. Anyway he's got a really good job that he's very good at, but isn't confident enough to try new things. This stems from a little history when he was illegally demoted to make room for a brother of the owner (which he let slide because he gets paid so well) and the owner and CEO rarely talk to him, except to point out things that need improvement and this is sometimes done in front of junior staff.
I think if he felt he deserved the job more he would not care so much and think he should make the job his own a bit more. If they do demote him again, illegally or otherwise, our children go to private schools and they would have to leave as he wouldn't get a job that paid as much.
How can I help?

[lazarou]

Can he find another job? Surely a job is not worth being miserable over. As for the private school thing, well I went ot provate school and I know a lot of people who had to go to a state school because of money issues. They were all ok.

[Twelvelegs]

Unfortunately he's in sales and so moving means halving wages at least.
This week he worked late Monday and Tuesday, he'll go for a drink on Friday with the staff and thinks that tonight he should play football with them straight after work.....
So four nights out of five (and he'll probably work late Thursday) he won;t be here to help with bath or bedtime. I'm five months pg with a fourth and have dcs, 6, 5 and 20 months. I really want to support him but find it a struggle not to go mad at him.

[lazarou]

IN that case, make a list of the pros and cons of the job he is in. If the cons outweight the pros, it may be worth considering working out how to live on a lower wage. IT's best to sit and work out your finances first, see which things you can do without, and then see the minimum amount you can live on.
Are there any good state schools where you live? How old are your children?

[Twelvelegs]

My children are 5 and 6, no good state schools unless we move. MY older ds went to a state school for a year and did nothing and so we moved him.
I think dh would earn about a quarter, mortgage is £1400 pcm!

[LoveMyGirls]

Can you organise some help for you at home (mothers help, au pair) so he can concentrate on sorting his career out? Getting you some help sounds like it would work out more finacially viable than him changing his job and you can't work and as you're 5mths pg it's not fair to expect you to do more because he needs to do more at work iyswim.

[LoveMyGirls]

Can he have a meeting with his boss to discuss the fact they put him down in front of other staff?

Can he start looking for other jobs so he has options? Could he do some training so he can move on?

[lazarou]

It's a big thing to do, cutting your income. Would moving be out of the question? I remember my parents going through something like this.
It sounds like the source of your problems have come from your dh's job. The school thing can be done, children make new friends easily, but it sounds like your dh is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[Twelvelegs]

I could do anything for him staying at work, as it benefits us all.....but football doesn't. One thing that would help me at home is if MN shut down !!! Mother's help is something I'm thinking about although 20 months old will be at a nursery for a coulpe afternoons after christmas.

[LoveMyGirls]

The very least you could do with is a babysitter so you can have some quality time together when you're having a rough time of it imo. It's important to laugh and enjoy each others company especially when you are both finding it tough.

[LoveMyGirls]

What about doing little things for him like texting him during the day to let him know you appreciate his hard work and that you lvoe him and support him and thank him for what he's doing?

Men need a lot of praise in order to get on with things, not saying women dont need praise but we do just get on with it most of the time.

[LoveMyGirls]

If you're not happy with him playing football tonight tell him you need him at home, 3 nights out is enough BUT before you do (and I would tbh) think about the fact that exercise reduces stress so a couple of hours might do him good and that will be better for you?

[Twelvelegs]

Lovemygirls, I know I wish that I could be a little less selfless as I'd love to be that person that says 'if it makes you happy' but it seems I'm too busy thinking about myself.

[lazarou]

There's an awful lot of financial pressure on both of you. BE careful it doesn't dominate your lives. YOu can be happy with a smaller income. Discuss it seriously with your dh. Good luck

[Twelvelegs]

Many thanks.

[LoveMyGirls]

We'd all like to be that type of person, my dp is like it with me but I can't bring myself to be quite so selfless either although i am trying.

I'm with our dc most of the time which i love but at least twice a week when it comes to 6pm its his turn while i clean up the mess and have a bit of time to myself (i usually go swimming) this way dc's get some quality time with him as well then once they are in bed he can relax knowing everything is done.

Maybe if you did that twice a week you wouldn't feel like you do when u work harder the days hes busier?

I've just let my dp go on a boat trip for a couple of days with a senior person from work because i thought it would help him and then in turn help our family but I would never have let him a year ago but i'm growing up now, dd2 is older and he lets me go out whenever i need to so its only fair I start being less needy too.