Not sure if my relationship will ever work

[mummyrayjay]

Been with dp on and off for 5years. Ds is 11months. We broke up throughout the pregnancy but we are trying to make a go of it now. We are planning to get on track and get married.

DP is very busy with work, working all different shifts ad often feels tired and stressed.

I have been suffering from panic attacks recently and have started seeing a counsellor.

Today I the three of us to spend some funtime together and go swimming. Instead he started an argument with me and went to the pub with his friend.

He is still there now. And said he is spending time with his friends he has not seen for ages.

He sees me and ds all the time, but we never have any fun time.

To be honest I find it difficult finding activities that all three of us would enjoy and he never makes any suggestions.

Ds is very hard work but I feel we need to do more baby related activities to help him settle down more.

I feel the reationship is very unbalanced as dp often goes out without telling me first. I would be ok with him going out and giving me 1days notice buthe never does.

I give atleast a weeks notice and resent him for going out when he feels like it and feel he starts arguments for an excuse to go out.

Maybe counselling would help but sometimes feel this is not worth it.

He can be very considerate sometimes. But he is taking his stress out on me and its not fair...

[Twelvelegs]

Keep on with the counselling and try and find a good time, over a favourite meal, to talk about this with you dp. I always find it helpful to start with what you could do to make things better (even if you think it's mostly him) and let him do the same.
Also let him suggest the days activities so he's doing something he wants. If this sounds aas if I think you should be a walk over I don't, I just think that sometimes we have to take big steps back in order to move forward.
Anything in the fresh air will help your baby settle, even watching motor racing. Don't give him a weeks notice either!!

[Divastrop]

i think he is taking the piss and acting like a teenager.from the sound of it you would be better off without him altogether.

[madamez]

Is it possible that this relationship has run its course? You can't 'make a relationship work' if one person is simply not interested in doing so. And I can't see many reasons why you should be interested in maintaining a couple relationship with a man who doesn't seem to be offering you very much at all.

[mummyrayjay]

The thing is sometimes he puts in so much effort, and I know i am not the easiest person to get on with.

But I feel that at the moment I can see he is stressed with work and I am trying to make things easier for him, even tho I am stressed out looking after my difficult fussy ds. (who I love to bits).

Why is it that wen I am making an effort he pushes it and makes things worse instead of trying to get along with me...

[Twelvelegs]

You need to talk as you both have lots going on and it's easy to just stop communicating and give up, although if he doesn't want it I don't think there's anything you can do.

[mummyrayjay]

I'm sure he does want it to work but is being a selfish arse at the mo coz he is 'working hard' and 'never gets any him time'.

Coz i have loads of 'me time' looking after a demanding ds..

[Twelvelegs]

Perhaps he needs a little wake up, why don't you go out for the day at the weekend and let him look after the baby?

[mummyrayjay]

i can't at the weekend as he works night shifts all weekend and sometimes a few hours in the day. Then he will want to rest when he is in..

He does say have a day for yourself but I dont like leaving ds all day as he is still bf and feeds very frequently... but when he is with dp can manage for up to 6 hours with milk..

Also I don't really have anything to do for a whole day, maybe i should think of something tho..

Also i knida feel as tho ds is MY responsibilty all the time. Even tho there is 2 parents not one. And he never takes ds out alone, he says its coz he doesn't drive but he could go for walks and to the park..

[mummyrayjay]

i can't at the weekend as he works night shifts all weekend and sometimes a few hours in the day. Then he will want to rest when he is in..

He does say have a day for yourself but I dont like leaving ds all day as he is still bf and feeds very frequently... but when he is with dp can manage for up to 6 hours with milk..

Also I don't really have anything to do for a whole day, maybe i should think of something tho..

Also i knida feel as tho ds is MY responsibilty all the time. Even tho there is 2 parents not one. And he never takes ds out alone, he says its coz he doesn't drive but he could go for walks and to the park..

[mummyrayjay]

i can't at the weekend as he works night shifts all weekend and sometimes a few hours in the day. Then he will want to rest when he is in..

He does say have a day for yourself but I dont like leaving ds all day as he is still bf and feeds very frequently... but when he is with dp can manage for up to 6 hours with milk..

Also I don't really have anything to do for a whole day, maybe i should think of something tho..

Also i knida feel as tho ds is MY responsibilty all the time. Even tho there is 2 parents not one. And he never takes ds out alone, he says its coz he doesn't drive but he could go for walks and to the park..

[Twelvelegs]

Why don't you take a book and go to the park for an hour? Perhaps let him feel like his dc is his responsibility and then he will want to take responsibility, sometimes we're so busy tyhinking that we do it best that our dp/hs think there's nothing for them to do??

[mummyrayjay]

True, I do take over alot, also ds is so clingly and wants to hang off my breat when ever he is teething or any other problems.

Also the other thing is, when dp is with ds he has time to give all his attention to ds. When i am with ds, I have to cook, clean etc. I can't imagine going out for a whole day and returning to find ds ready to be setteled for bed and my dinner ready and waiting

[Twelvelegs]

Stick to the important stuff and don't sweat the small stuff!!
Make sure you get time to enjoy ds too.

[mummyrayjay]

Oh yes I have realised I need to enjoy my time with ds as he is about to turn 1 and I need to enjoy as much as possible before he is a teenager...

Thank you for the advice twelvelegs

[Twelvelegs]

Well, tomorrow is another day make a nice plan and stick to it. take Carexx

[mummyrayjay]

Not really in the mood to make an effort with him as he is still out with his stupid friends, I'll see how i fell if he tries to make it up to me or not..

[Twelvelegs]

I meant for you and ds, not him!!!
As for dp try to put this day down as the last where he ignores how you feel, the last day he goes to the pub with the illusion that it's okay.

[Twelvelegs]

I'm off but will check tomorrow to see whn he got home!!

[mummyrayjay]

Oh yes for me and ds, well I have quite a few appointments that I cannot take ds to tomorrow so have to leave him with dp quite abit..

But I wil try to take ds out at some point as lazy selfish guy probably wont bother taking ds anywhere even tho he said he will... We will see..

He is still not here!!!

The worst thing is he will act as though there is no problem with what he is doing right now. I know he will say 'i have been moaning at him' and 'he has been working hard' and needs some time for himself...

If he is not careful he will have alot of time for himself...

[madamez]

Well, everyone does need a bit of time for him/her self. But that includes you so your partner needs to take on some of the childcare so you can go out and do some things that you would like to do, which benefit you and not everyone else.
Point out to your partner that both of you are working hard and need time off and so he needs to do his share.

[mummyrayjay]

well he finally came in at 10pm, and wanted be friendly and chat, I spoke to him like an adult but I am still not happy atall.

I am going out on friday and will be out most of today so he can get on with looking after ds.