Managing expectations...

[youcannotbeserious]

OK, I need some advice - especially appreciated from ladies whose DH's work away all week.

My DH is away Monday first thing to Friday evening.

I gave up work in mid May to have a baby - DS arrived one day after I gave up work!!!

Now, I'm finding it more and more difficult when DH leaves on a Monday.

I was always fine with him going, and had stuff to do during the week, but now I find it hard to get out of the house - we live in the country and the baby hates his car seat so driving is a pain in the proverbial... But even that, I can cope with - my DS is gorgeous...

What I'm really struggling with is not to have too great expectations when DH is at home... this weekend I had Sunday all planned - a photogapher to take some photos of DS and DH (I don't have even one of them together yet) and then lunch, but DH didn't want to do any of it and I had to cancel it all - I do appreciate that my DH works hard and is away all week and often just wants to chill out at the weekend and not go too far from the house, but I'm finding myself desperate (OK, maybe that's a bit strong!) to get out of the house at the weekend....

I'd be grateful for advice / suggestions from people who have been through this...

The baby is only a month old and is wonderful, but it's quite tiring and just a never ending stream of chores... But, I don't want to spoil weekends by setting myself up for 'what a great time we're going to have' and then dreading Mondays...

[kittywise]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling low.
TBH it sounds to me as if you are suffering with PND. Having a baby is tough and can be very isolating and lonely. With your DH working away all week it's no wonder you are feeling the way you are.

Are there any mum and baby groups near you? You really need to get out and connect with other mums, it's so important. you will be happier and there will be less pressure to make up for lost time at the weekends.

Good luck

[Tinkerisdead]

oh im in similar situation, i quit work when pregnant (18 weeks with PFB now)my dh works away a lot and then weekends turn into stuff he wants to do as he is planning for his only free time whereas im planning for time with him! im gonna watch this with interest as i assumed i'd feel better having a pram to push. Im in an area with no family just in laws. sorry i cant give advice but wanted to say your not alone and a bump from me

[youcannotbeserious]

Thanks Kitty.

I don't feel like I have PND (But, then, this is my first baby - so what do I know! )

I'm fine with the baby and we are getting into something of a routine (the sort of routine which involves me being back in bed still not dressed at midday!!! )

I'm not sure about Mums and Babies groups - there is a local Mums and Toddlers group but DS is a bit young for that just yet. I don't have family close, but am making friends (been here about 8 months now) and also have a dog to walk.

it's exactly what TDW46 said - He's planning his only free time and I'm planning 'our' time and the two aren't the same thing....

[BeachBunni]

Yep another one with a similar situation and just letting you know yo're not alone. Dp works long hours and loves to have his wkends playing golf, spending time with his mates, long lie-ins on Sundays while I'm up with our 7 month old. We've had a lot of disagreements over this although I understand he needs his time to himself as well. All my family live abroad so I can't get any help from that area either. We've (just recently) come to the arrangement that every other sunday we need to spend time as a family - but will see how that works out xx

[LoveMyGirls]

I can understand it from both sides, can't you compromise and say one day do stuff as a family and one day chill out as a family?

It doesn't sound to me as if you have PND, if you're managing things like arranging photographers and wanting to be out and about etc it sounds to me like you are coping very well just not so keen on being alone, it's hard especially when baby sleeps quite a lot and you haven't got a toddler to run around after or anyone to go out to lunch with etc look on the bright side though yopu've got the internet so you can chat to people sometimes and you have got a car so getting out and about is possible. Are there any toddler groups within walking distance?

Try having a look on here for your nearest toddler groups.

hth

[LoveMyGirls]

I think he does need to be less selfish with his "time off" he is a family man now and needs to act like one, he gets his evenings to himself which you don't, he probably gets to socialise with work collegues too? Where is your time off? Time with your friends? Do you have anyone you can go and stay with for a couple of days now and again?

I don't think your ds is too young for toddler groups, its as much for you as for him and it will at least get you out of the house for a couple of hours which isn't a bad thing.

[Anna8888]

Has your HV invited you to a postnatal group? I went to one (when my daughter was fraction older than your son), and the HVs also offered baby massage... and those groups morphed into Mother and Baby...

[Tortington]

i think there can be an agreement to be struck

either

alternate who makes the decision as to how saturdays go

or make saturday family day and sunday chill out day

or visa versa

he must understand you have needs too

i haven't got a baby or a DH that works away all week - yet still my DH gives me " i work all week am not mowing the lawn ..it's WEEKEND"
well i work all week too - the lawn needs doing chuffhead "weekend" is not an all inlusive tern meaning " do what the fuck i want at the exclusivity of others"

[MrsMacaroon]

why not get out for an afternoon on your own on either saturday/sunday while DH does something nice at home with the wee one...i know you probably want to see your DH also but maybe you could alternate and have family day every couple of weeks. It's important to get some time away for yourself, see friends, go shopping or get your hair done, etc.

you can plan family days well in advance and put them on the calendar, mention the plans during the week so he can't duck out.

[MrsMacaroon]

also, try to spend friday night really chilling out, not too much catching up- get a DVD and a takeaway and slob out...you'll set a nice relaxed tone for the weekend.

I've been in a long distance relationship which is similar and it's really hard to dela with a weeks worth of stress, news etc over a weekend. We ended up writing to each other during the week with the occasional phone call...much more romantic and you get everything out that you want to say. I would highly recommend it...perhaps stick some casual sexy snaps in there also dirtydevil

[MrsMacaroon]

dela = deal

[MrsMacaroon]

just read that baby is very little...maybe leave the filth for a few more weeks LOL

[youcannotbeserious]

"Chuffhead!" What a great word!! That made me laugh out loud!!!!

I think that the idea of each of us deciding what to do on a saturday might actually work.

You see, it's not that DH doesn't want to spend quality time with DS - he does and, in a weird sense, that's half my problem... DH wants to chill out and stay at home with DS and do all the stuff he's missed all week... but that's what I've done ALL WEEK and I want to do something different (hence the photographer / dinner)

And yet, I know that DH and DS need quality bonding time too.. Maybe MrsMacaroon's is the way to go - maybe I should take myself off for a few hours and do something 'different' and let DH and DS have the together time they need (You are spot on, I haven't considered this because we spend so little time together anyway - but maybe it is worth considering)

Not sure about the dirty phone calls, though... What if the phones were bugged?

[youcannotbeserious]

anna - No, teh HV hasn't mentioned any groups - but I've only seen her the once... I think maybe I will ask her...

Lovemygirls - I'll check that link out now. thanks!

[tribpot]

It's a tricky one but you can find a workable compromise I'm sure. I remember when I was working away during the week (pre-kids) my (then) dp would go stir crazy on his own whilst I was working hard and playing hard with a great crew in London. Consequently when I came home at the weekend I was shattered and he would want to do massive trips to the Isle of Skye and stuff like that. That's one particularly memorable one as he forced me to drive one way even though I was knackered. And hence the "then" in "(then) dp"! (Not just on that incident I mean!).

A balance is what is required, some acknowledgement that he is knackered but also, surely, that you are too - you are looking after a child and a house on your own all week after all! Definitely take some 'me' time at the weekend and give your boys a chance to have their alone time too. Not least because you don't want to find yourself in the situation where your dh doesn't feel confident about looking after ds on his own for a longer period of time, that would be a real shame given he's obviously keen.

I think you need to be quite honest with him: the isolation of new parenthood is horrible and the tedium of every day being the same means you need some fun things at weekends, just as he needs some downtime. Planning it in advance sounds like the way to go, with acknowledgement that if he's had a particularly bad week things may get deferred and equally that if you've had a bad week (looking after an ill ds on your own isn't going to be great, I warn you now - I only mean the usual tummy upsets and colds and so on, but it's very draining) he will forego some chilling time to give you a break.

Longer term, and I know there are many MNers whose other halves are away all week, is there any chance he might reduce it to Tue-Thur?

[TheProvincialLady]

Your DH is shattered after a week at work? Gosh, I imagine he would be so much less tired after a week alone with a newborn Here is the reality: Your DH is a father now and part of a family, not just a partner or a husband. Therefore he has to do what suits all of you and compromise, the same as you do. It is not on that he wants to do nothing all weekend when you have been stuck in the house all week - and it wouldn't be on if you wanted to do nothing but go out and not have any time for relaxation.

I am sure you can come to a compromise

[tribpot]

TPL, it was me who said I was shattered and in fairness that was a pre-child level of shatteredness where you think it only reasonable to be able to recoup something at weekends I am in a whole other zone now of course! (Actually, I must confess, I don't think I am - I am so knackered out by work that I can barely cope, and have been up with ds since 2 a.m. but that's another thread).

I think YCBS's dh is probably in a transition phase where he discovers the reality of parenthood. We've all been through it but his is elongated by the long absences from the family home. He'll get there. With encouragement!

[MrsMacaroon]

i meant dirty photos not phone calls but hey ho, if you're feeling brave enough...!

[youcannotbeserious]

Flippin' hell! MrsMacaroon - I had a baby 4 weeks ago - I'm back down to my pre-pregnancy weight but things are just not as firm as they used to be I think I'll save the photos for a few weeks more!!! (I've started the abs crunches - I am determined to get the bellybutton ring in before my summer hols!!)

DH is going to be away certainly for the rest of this year, probably until DS is 1YO.

Tribpot - YOu summed it up so well - we are both tired from doing different things (both neccessary in our relationship - Not going to even say that one is more important than the other).

The more I think about it, the more I think me taking a few hours off is the way to go - DH wants (and needs) to spend time with DS, I want (and need?) to spend time away from the house - I could go for a haircut, a manicure, a massage, a drink with friends.

I've also bitten the bullet and booked a few of the things I want to do during the week - such as the photographer. OK, I'd like DH in the pictures, but beggars can't be choosers, eh???

Thanks guys - your posts have made me realise there is a common ground.

[gracepaley]

Saturday - he gets lie in
then you get to go to gym, hairdresser, coffee with mate, art gallery, whatever whilst he plays with ds
SAturday night and all day sunday - family time, to be agreed.
You don't sound like you have pnd.

[clam]

Hang on, he leaves you alone ALL week with a new-born (OK, so he's working but so are you, 24 hours a day, with no long lunches and evenings to yourself, unlike him) and then buggers off to play golf at weekends and catch up with his mates???
He needs a reality check, and "chuffhead" is only the start of it!

[youcannotbeserious]

No CLam...

He leaves me alone all week to pay for me, our son, his two daughters and his ex wife. I'm not trying to negate the life he provides for all of us. He works hard to make sure we are secure, and for that he does deserve respect and appreciation.

he takes his responsibilities seriously.

And, he doesn't 'play golf' - He likes to spend time bonding with our son (and time with his daughters when they are with us). It's me that wants to go out and do other stuff.

[clam]

Sorry.... muddled up your post with beachbunni's! Must read more carefully before I start being judgemental! Wanting to stay in and bond is much more acceptable!