Do we love each other any more?

[katusha]

New to this but bursting to talk to someone and I don't have anyone to talk to. So here goes my first posting on mumsnet...

DH and I have been going through difficult times for ages now. Things sometimes get a bit better but then in a couple of days it's as bad as ever again or maybe worse.

He hasn't slept in the same bed as me for oh 6 months? We had sex last week for the first time in months and as usual I had to make the move. Does he fancy me anymore? Does he even like me? I have the impression sometimes he doesn't. It's as if I am never good enough and everything I do disappoints him or is yet another point to prove that he is right and I am wrong...

I am studying and working hard on writing my thesis. And he seems to really really resent this. He constantly tells me he doesn't see the point in what I am doing and that he doesn't see how it will help us. But this means a lot to me.

I am not working at the moment as I am trying to finish my studies so he is the one supporting us financially. And I really find that difficult. I cannot wait to be out earning again so that I can be independent.

To be honest I am in the framework at the moment that I want to get the thesis finished and then we will see. I am really beginning to think seriously about life separately from him.

To be honest a lot of the time I wonder what use are men? They just seem to make life SO much more difficult and complicated and expect that they have a little wife at home who should be a 'woman' (his words) and do womanly things... That is not me. I resent being the one who has to do all the cooking and cleaning and should leap up and prepare lunch for him when I appears. And if I don't I get the silent treatment.

We have been together for years and years. 12 years nearly., We have a 2 year old together who is the light of our lives. But it seems that we just communicate about her, and have kind of given up communicating about each other or to each other.

I spend all my time as if on an ice-rink, skating round him and trying not to get him angry.

The latest thing last night was I had washed all the sheets and was busy up to going to bed cleaning the apartment and clearing up. I made up my bed and put the sheets on his bed but did not get round to making it. I was too knackered. That got him really cross and he informed me that I was just making things worse, and driving us further apart. By not making up his fringin' bed????

Do I love him? To be honest I don't know any more. I just know life is very stressful and not very happy with him aroudn and I am beginning to think that it would be a lot easier if we were apart... I don't even want to be with anyone else.

But I am very sad for my beautiful daughter. Because regardless of our relationship or lack of relationship, he is a wonderful father and adores her... Also I get so scared that in the future she might blame me for us splitting up...

K

[bcsnowpea]

Well katusha, and sounds like you've pretty much made your mind up about him. You don't sound happy at all, and neither does he, and I think that you're right that life apart might be better.

Please don't confuse his role as a father with his role as a husband. Would you ever say that if you're not his wife then you're not being the best mother you can be? So don't think the same about his relationship with your daughter.

It sounds like you're essentially separated anyway, just under the same roof. Would you be interested in trying to 'rekindle the spark' as it were, or are you both just done?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

He can be a wonderful father without you two being together, and you both will sure be a lot happier. After 12 years I highly doubt things will change regarding his deeply ingrained beliefs around 'men and women's roles' which you seem not to accept, even if you do a lot of the housework anyway. He doesn't respect what you do, doesn't care about what's important to you, sorry, I think this relationship is in its death throes.
Don't worry too much about DD, she will be better off if you make the break now than leave it for years and resent and hate each other.
Good luck xx

[zippitippitoes]

it sounds like you have attempted to put things on hold until you have time to deal with it

which is quite difficult for both of you and maybe as it sounds a bit like you are the one making decisions actually very stressful for your dh as he doesnt know where he stands

as he is still there he presumably has feelings for you still but wants to push fopr some kind of resolution of this limbo

the trouble with doing nothing nwhen there are difficulkt choices and ecisions to be made is that thjey end up being made by default there is no such thing as not making a decision

even tho you are working in nfairness you need to clarify your thinking and talk things through and decide what you would like to do next

[lou031205]

Well, I kind of disagree. I think that it is very hard when you have a DC, and with your thesis as well, you have TWO DC, if you see what I mean.

Men can be just as sensitive to feeling neglected as women, just not as good at communicating it.

I think that you need to put effort into your relationship. You are not responsible for your husband's reaction, but you are responsible for yours. IF, after putting loads of effort to put him top of your agenda things are no better between you, then maybe there is something more serious. But, IMO, I think you are being selfish. I think that you should be prepared to show him love in practical ways, then the other things might improve. Equally, I think he should support your need to do your thesis, as well.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

lou031-
doing housework is NOT showing love in practical ways, especially when the DH EXPECTS it and gets angry when it's not done. I do more around the house and my DH thanks me and is appreciative of it, so I continue to do it. If he took it for granted I wouldn't, and he knows this.

[ratbunny]

imo I think you need to go to mediation.

I think it is always prefereable to try to work things out and try to stay together as a famiy. Fair enough, if it doesnt work, then leave, but please try to repair your relationship bfore you just give up on it.

[katusha]

ratbunny I have suggested mediation but he is not going there. He says if we can't sort things out than he is not going to talk to anyone else.

lou-031 - I have tried the 'practical ways' for ages and it just gets me no where. He does not even seem to see that I do these things. They are just expected of me. So kat2907 I totally agree with what you say.

bcsnowpea - Sometimes I do think of trying to rekindle the spark but you need 2 to tango. he never makes any remarks on anything I wear etc. so I really don't even know how to go about it...

[littlewoman]

I totally understand what you mean when you say you are not the sort of woman who does 'womanly things'. Neither am I, and my xh never understood that at all. I have never been the sort of person who lives to admire my nicely vacuumed carpet, but xh felt that that was what I ought to live for. It should have been enough for me, because it was enough for his mum.

He is holding you up to some culturally defined notion of a 'proper woman' and you are falling short, because that is not who you are. How would it help you as a couple if you gave up your studies and started tidying like billy-o, when you will die as a person in the process? Would he be much happier with a tidy house but an essentially 'dead inside' wife?

You both need to compromise. In fairness, your thesis ought not to take up your whole time and effort if you want your relationship to survive. Maybe you could make some kind of time allowance for this work, so you force yourself to attend to the basic chores like washing up and vacuuming and getting a load of washing on the line before you attend to your thesis. Then, when he gets home, put it to one side for the night, unless he is going out for the evening and you can do what you like then?

I do sympathise with you. I have no live-in partner, but I have 6 DC's and am working on a dissertation. It wouldn't be fair to my children to spend all my time on my studies, though. I do have to cook their dinner, etc.

Sit down and talk to him, and work out between you what would be a reasonable, achievable balance which would keep you both happy, would be my advice.

[lou031205]

I'm not suggesting doing all the housework. Just making small efforts to meet half way. It depends what your ultimate goal is. If you don't want to make changes to your behaviour, it isn't going to resolve. It is rarely a one sided thing.

[lou031205]

littlewoman has put it much more eloquently than I. But that is what I was getting at.

[katusha]

littlewoman - you have put things in perspective for me. I admire you with 6DC and a thesis to write. I feel guilty even starting to complain...

I know what you mean re compromise. I just feel that I am going more than half way on the housework end and I would like him to make an effort too...

[summerholiday]

I've been with my partner for a year and a half and we have a 3 month old son. We have had our ups and downs from quite early on really. We both decided that we wanted to try for a child as it did feel right at the time.Day 4 after my son was born by caesarian, my parents came to stay. We had a nice evening and then went to bed. My partner commented that he thought it was strange that i didn't sit at the table with them for the meal. I explained that the reason for this was that i was breastfeeding my son at the time. I had to wake him to tell him this as he had already rolled over and gone to sleep. He got very annoyed, and started arguing about it. HIs voice got louder and louder. My parents could hear, and my Mum said it went on for al least an hour, all she could hear was his voice going on at me. He then stormed out of the house, and my Mum came into my room. We were both very upset. He came back about an hour later, my Mum told him he was bad, and he stormed downstairs. The next thing i heard was him telling my Mum to F off!, twice. He stormed out, my Mum came upstairs shaking. My parents went home at 5am the next morning, and didn't phone any more. I felt like i'd been abandoned.
My Mum said that he's not welcome to their house and that i'd bought a monster into the family.
I phoned his sister several weeks later as i was still feeling down, thought she might be able to shed some light on his behaviour. She siad that his stepdad hated him, and he didn't have a great upbringing by him.
I told my partner i'd phoned his sister, we stepped out into the garden, i said that she'd suggested a trial separation. He then became very hostile, started talking like a 'rapper', kicked the BBQ over, and was talking really close to my face. He scared me, as if he was a completely different person. I stayed at my Aunty's that night with my son.
He went away on a course, when he came back i just decided to leave and stay at my Aunty's as everything had just got on top of me and i wasn't sure how i felt about him any more. He thought i was taking his son for good and blocked the doorway, and grabbed the car seat with my son. Very traumatic, he phoned his Mum whilst this was happening, and implied to her that i'd hit him, all very dramatic. Then shouted on the street and sat in my car so i couldn't go!
To cut along story short, am back with him at the moment. He's been to the Doctor's and is on antidepressents, which seem to be helping. He admitted that he just panicked at the thought of me and my son leaving.
We're both going to relate, which at least has got us talking abit more sensibly.
I just have not known what to do. If i leave, my parents live in Sussex, and am thinking i'd like to live near them.I'm on maternity leave til January, i only want my son to go to nursery twice a week as he'll only be 9 months. I don't know how i'd cope financially.
My partner wants me to stay, he says that he loves me, and he is reeally trying to mend things. Does loads of housework, cooking, cleaning, looks after son in middle of night, etc.
Please help, should i stay or should i go?

[squishy]

Katusha, I do hope you find a way forward - men do find it hard to communicate they feel unloved/neglectec etc but you can do without parenting him and it sounds as though you do far more than a fair share in your partnership - best of luck xx

Summerholiday - sounds terribly frightening and confusing - think you should start your own thread for support etc.... it's difficult enough adjusting to life as a new mum without these problems

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Summerholiday - please copy and paste this into a new thread, it's only fair to the OP.

[summerholiday]

Sorry, meant to put this on a new thread, obviously did something wrong. If i can't copy and paste will have to write again.

[littlewoman]

Hi Katusha, if you are already doing more than half your share of the housework it sounds as though you may have to have a 'big talk' with hubby. Do you thnk he might be jealous of your studies? My xh used to hate anything that totally engrossed me, like I should have been available full time incase he wanted me to do something . Sounds as though he needs to let go of his notion of the 'ideal woman', and adjust to the 'real' you. It's bullying, really, trying to insist you become something other than you are.

[somethingsticky]

how close are you to getting your thesis done? I literaly added years to my PhD writing as I was trying to balance time for dh and working (first pt then ft) Dh left school at 16 and worked his way to to a much more successful career than mine and constantly questioned why I was bothering with my thesis. what finally worked for me was putting everything on hold bar work which I had to do. (buut I took as much hol as I could) and I mean everything. I barely spoke to dh, I didn't eat a meal that wasn't from the local petrol station for over a month! BUT I didn't have any dc then. dd was concieved a week after my viva and when I was sposed to be getting my life back I was too tired and sick to do anything

in the end dh helped making my contents pages, printing copy after copy of my thesis, bringing cups of tea and biscuits and proof reading. things really improved when he didn't feel so excluded and he was as pleased as me when it was all over.