My Mum is so negative and I find it so hard to ignore her comments

[bebespain]

Says it all really. The trouble is I find is so hard to just let her comments go in one ear and out the other and it really brings me down.

I moved to Spain a couple of years ago and my Mum knows I am not very happy here. She comes out often to visit, to see DS and its one negative jibe after another. Its almost like she does it deliberately to get to me.

Some of her comments can be really cutting and she takes every opportunity possible to berate the country and its people. Yes I know I´m finding life hard here but she does nothing to help me.

Shes here at the moment and I´m at the end of my tether. Anyone any advice?

[cadelaide]

Of course you can't ignore her bebe, she's your Mum.

I'm really sorry she makes you feel down, I have no advice I'm afraid but maybe someone else will come along?

[MsDemeanor]

Can you be honest with her? Say, 'Mum, you know I'm not happy here either, but I have to try an dmake the best of it for the time being, and I'm sure you are trying to support me and everythign, btu the more you point out the bad things, the worse I feel, and I can't just jump on a plane home, so please, don't go on. Try and be postiive. It woudl mean the world to me.'

[fleacircus]

Tell her. Say you find it upsetting - what you've written here, that it doesn't make it any easier and you'd find it easier if she was positive. Focus on how it makes you feel rather than her behaviour. Sorry you're feeling bad; is it a permanent move or do you have an exit strategy?

[TillyScoutsmum]

Bebe - I don't have any advice but can sympathise as my mum sounds very similar. She is very negative and draining and hurtful

I can only put it down to her being unhappy with her life and being bitter/jealous. It's hard to ignore but I just feel sorry for her... makes it easier

[LyraSilvertongue]

I also think you should tell her. She might think she's being supportive, knowing you're not happy there. Or maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it.

[LyraSilvertongue]

If you say nothing, each visit will get worse and worse as the resentment builds up. Better to clear the air now.

[bebespain]

Thanks everybody!

Good advice Ms but I imagine she will agree and then satrt up again later, its like she can´t help herself

No exit strategy at the moment flea.

I´m sure I would feel better about being here if she could just say something nice Maybe if I accepted that isn´t going to happen I could move on. We recently moved house to a better area and not once has she commented on it. I find that really upsetting.
Its like I still need her approval and I´m nearly 35 FGS

[bebespain]

Tilly - you´re right it is very draining. I try so hard not to rise to it but sometimes I just snap

[MsDemeanor]

Can you just keep repeating the same script? ie Oh mum, you knwo I said..... maybe she just misses you? Not saying what she says is excusable, but maybe it comes from a good place?

[bebespain]

MsD - It could be that. I know she does miss me and DS even more. I suppose its hard for both of us

[prettybird]

Good advice from MsD. And even if your mum does agree and then forget, just remind her every time she starts again. Just as you get fed up her with yuo going one - maybe she'll get fed up with you continually reminding her!

[prettybird]

... sorry, gremlin got in there: "just as you get fed up with her going on....

[bebespain]

prettybird - You never know !!

[mumonthenet]

sorry for you adjusting to a new life in a foreign county. shame your mum can't find something nice to say. would she be the same if you were still living where you did before or is she just one of those people who feel better putting everyone else down?

will you have people over to stay who will say something positive? who will be green with envy at your new life, the sunshine, (if, indeed it is blue at the mo!) It's not here in Portugal!

[harpomarx]

bebe

I know you said it's hard to let them go in one ear and out the other but people who make negative comments generally thrive on some kind of reaction. If her comments are met with silence or by you talking cheerfully about something else then maybe she would stop. Maybe!

[sexandthecitylover]

Hi Bebe

Mine is much the same. They have just visited for two days and it has been terrible. They just do not approve of how I am and the way I live my life. Not that I am doing anything particularly outlandish.

I did tell her last visit to stop criticising me and to an extent that has made me feel better.

I think from her it is borne out of small mindedness, jealousy and being unable to understand that people can function in a different to to how they do.

They make a point of commenting on every small thing wrong with my rented property and never say how well I am coping (am single parent).

I say they my dad is slightly better but still joins in.

They went on a rant about working mothers (me), single mothers, people without wedding rings. Gawd help us!!

[sexandthecitylover]

Scuse typos

PS she has never told me I look nice. Even on wedding day.

I know how you feel. I think I have built up a steely resistance to it in one way but in others it still really hurts.

[cory]

I know how you feel. I am actually happy in my new country and have tried to convey this to my Mum and yet it's as if she picks up anything negative - and negative things happen to everybody- and just remembers those.

She has even hinted that dd's medical problems wouldn't have happened or wouldn't be so bad if we were in my country- now there's a great way to build a daughter's confidence!

And yet, she is not a negative person in herself, I know she loves me dearly, and she did use to be a bit of an Anglophile in her young days; it's from her I get it. But since I moved here, nothing has been right about the UK. So my only conclusion is, she is jealous of the country that took her daughter away from her. I suppose I should be thankful that she doesn't pass negative comments about dh (whom she really appreciates), but only about his country.

[sexandthecitylover]

Yes my mum does not like the fact I live in London and am bringing up children here. Despite the fact that where we currently live is much more pleasant than where I was brought up in the provinces.

She thinks it's an awful place although even she was forced to admit the marina quite close to where we live was 'quite nice'.

She is also completely hung up on people's ages and likes to rub my age in my face at every possible opportunity.

If she thinks I am ready for cardis, blue rinses and slippers then she can think again.