In light of a current thread I need some advice please.

[changer101]

checking the name change has worked.

[LilRedWG]

It has.

[changer101]

Firstly I have obviously name changed for this. I have been following today?s thread by objectivity and it has left me feeling confused about something. I am also worried that this thread will be taken wrongly and seem insensitive, but I am really unsure as of what to do.

When I got together with my DH he told me that his dad had died when he was 11. He never really mentions his father ever, even when asked he doesn?t give much away. No one in his family talk about him either.

About 2 years ago, I met a woman through work and it turned out she knew my dh?s parents years ago. She told me she remembered DH as a little boy and told me some nice stories etc. She then went on to say that it was so sad when DH?s father killed himself and how he was found at home.

I obviously looked shocked and the woman then said no more. But it made sense of a lot of things that hadn?t really made sense in the past.

I told DH I had met the woman and he thought he vaguely remembered her, but knew the name. I didn?t bring up his dad?s death either then or since. I realise that must sound weird, but in the past he always clammed up and just wouldn?t speak about it.

Reading today?s thread I guess more than ever it has made me think just how effected DH must have been and at times he can be a bit messed up and depressed (but a great, reliable, dependable, loving guy) He was the only one of his siblings living at home at the time, so it has crossed my mind about how his father was found and where DH was at the time/what he saw etc.

I know that none of his friends know (as I have hinted round the subject) so really DH has never spoken to anyone about this ever.

I?m now wondering if I should tell him I know. I am so upset for the child that was obviously so affected by this (if that doesn?t sound stupid) and I want him to know that he can talk to me about this.

I don?t know whether bringing it up would be a good idea, or if even trying to bring it up would be a bad idea.

Any advice at all would be much appreciated

[hls]

Just one thought- are you absolutely sure that your DH knows how his father died? it would be terrible if his mother had protected him from the real truth.

It is just possible that he doesn't know- if he was not at home at the time etc etc.

Is it possible you could talk to your MIL first and find out?

I don't know how to answer you- but you need to think about what good would be served by opening up the can of worms again. Would it just satisfy your curiosity or do you feel your DH needs therapy to get over bottled up feelings?

It is odd that he has not been open with you in your marriage- which leads me to think either he doesn't know, or it is such a deep trauma that he wants to shut it out.

If you DO decide to talk to him, maybe you just have to be frank and say someone has told you.

[beaniesteve]

Is it certain that he knows it was suicide? Perhaps he was told his dad died?

[HappyWoman]

I may be his way of dealing with it - i too am sure it has affected him but if he wants to share it with you let him but if not leave him alone.

I think i would feel quite hurt if he could not tell me though and think i would say i knew - but i am sometimes a bit too open and honest anyway.

It may not be a good idea to drag up the past as it could hold all sorts of things and stir up a lot of emotions in your h.

So no real advice just hope you sort it out.

[edam]

Your comment about feeling sad for the little boy your dh was back then is so heartbreaking.

I suspect you have to be very, very careful here. If dh has locked these memories and feelings away somewhere, not really your right to drag them out, IYSWIM. And VERY good point from his about checking with your MIL that dh knows.

Could you call a charity or self-help group to get some perspective on this and some advice about whether/how to talk to dh? There are bereavement charities - can't remember names but google should find them.

Btw, I have kept a family secret about something very traumatic, and never mentioned it to one relative (let's call him/her X) who is very dear/close to me. Because I'm not sure whether the person most closely concerned has mentioned it to X. It's the person most closely concerned's secret, IYSWIM, not mine to blurt out.

[changer101]

God, I never even considered that he might not know.

There is no way I could speak to MIL about it, we just don't really have that kind of relationship.

One of our kids has asked him about his dad in the past and he just said that "granda's heart stopped beating"

It's not about curiosity, I would just like him to know he could talk if he wanted to, that he doesn't need to keep it to himself, and the thread today talking about the effects on kids really upset me. Upset me to think of DH as a child dealing with it.

Maybe I should just leave it, I don't know.

[GColdtimer]

What a difficult situation for you and what an awful thing to happen to your DH. I see your dilemma. It may be that he wants to talk but just doesn't know how or it may be that he just doesn't want to.

You could still tell him that he can talk to you about his Dad if he needs to without giving away what you know. Perhaps say that there have been some threads on here recently where people have talked about losing parents at a young age and you realise how hard it must have been for him. You may just open the door a little bit without pushing it.

[cyteen]

What a difficult situation. It might be worth ringing these people for some confidential, impartial advice about how to handle the situation...other than that, it's impossible to advise. Although twofalls' suggestion re. talking more generally is a good one.

[changer101]

I agree with you edam, that it is not my "secret" to try to bring out into the open.

Since I have know I have thought that I would always leave it until he wanted to bring it up. Obviously at the time when I first found out, I gave it a lot of thought and decided to leave it.

I think the thread today made me realise more than ever how traumatic it must have been for him at the time, and maybe still effecting him still.

He is quite big on not showing any "weakness" so he could well be keeping it all bottled up.

It also feels a bit odd that I know something about him that he doesn't know I know, if you see what I mean.

[hls]

I think it might be a case of waiting for the right moment. If there are other deaths talked about-you could always say "What did you dad die of"- which might be blunt, but if you didn't know, it would be a normal question- something you should know anyway.

I can quite imagine him being at school then coming home and being told his dad had died from a heart attack etc, to keep him innocent of the truth.

Do you have any contact with his siblings who could help you out?

[NotABanana]

I would consider your Dh doesn't know exactly how his father died. It is also possible he does know, but has refused to believe it.

Sad though it is, maybe use todays thread as a general talk about what has gone on with MN today (include my cake that was mistaken for a hat and people's garden sizes so as to not make it too obvious) and see if he opens up.

I wouldn't push it though.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Why dont you mention today's thread as a way of broaching it with him?

Tell him about it, and how awful it is for children in that situation, and that they must feel rejected in some way etc.

If he opens up, then all well and good. If not, well, leave it really.

[vermilion]

Be careful. I was told at some length how dh's father had died when dh was a child, by my MIL...I know for a fact that dh doesn't know some of the details, like, what the actual cause of death was (it wasn't anything like suicide, though).
Some families don't talk about these things. I find it weird that MIL has never 'dealt with it' with her son, but they are quite an odd family in some respects.
It is possible that your dh simply doesn't know. My dh is quite vague if people ask him about losing his father so young and I often thought it was because he was screwed up. It turns out he doesn't know what to say!

[changer101]

Thank you, lots to think about.

Thank you also for that website link, I will look at it tomorrow when I am not at home, as I don't really want it on my history.

I will also tomorrow (we are going out for a meal/drinks) discuss the thread on here today, rather than tonight which will be rushed and interrupted and I might get no more than an "oh really" and a glazed eye look on the mention on MN

I do want to be careful, however, I don't want to upset him, or make him talk before he is ready, or tell him something he doesn't know and change everything for him.

Interesting reading your post vermilion, it could also be something like that.

It's tricky.

It's not something I think about a lot, I just think today really upset me with the discussion of the effects on children, knowing that those children could be my DH

[changer101]

Thanks, I actually had a quick look at that website, might be worth contacting them, depending on how things go.

[TigerFeet]

It's very possible that he doesn't know. My dsis was never told that our dad was a suicide - she has always known that he had died (she was a baby) but the poor kid, she found out when she stumbled across his death certificate . Thankfully she felt that she could talk to me and to her friends so she had someone to go through her feelings with. I was shocked when she raised it with me as I didn't realise that she did't know.

My Mum never talks about it, ever, and afaik she still isn't aware that dsis knows (dsis asked me not to tell her). There is an awful lot of bad or non existant communication in our family and a general willingness to sweep things under the carpet.

What an awful thing for you to have to carry . I think bringing up the other thread might well be a good idea, it will give him the opportunity to talk if he wants to. QUite what you will do if it transpires that he doesn't know, I really can't say.

[changer101]

Thanks for sharing your story Tigerfeet

I am now wondering if maybe he didn't know. There is a big age gap between him and his siblings, so they were all in their 20s at the time, so I guess it could have been kept from him.

What i do know is he had a lot of time off school after his dad's death, but I guess that would be normal in any circumstances?

I will mention the other thread to him tomorrow and take it from there I think. If he says nothing I will just drop it again.

I can't stop thinking about it now and i feel really upset by it. I think I am thinking of a mixture of him and how our DCs would feel if anything happened to us. He is out working just now, but I really just want to see him and hug him, which I know is silly because nothing has really changed since this morning....

[changer101]

I am going to name change back and clear today's history from the PC.

If anyone posts and I don't respond straight away, I will come back to the thread, I just don't want DH to come across it.

I am interested in everyone's advice/opinions/experience.