trying to navigate friendship with male whilst married and made a mess of things......long sorry

[mrsshapelybottom]

This is my first post here although I have been reading for yonks and I was hoping for some advice.......

Will try to keep this short.....DH & I have moved house recently and we have kept in touch with our neighbours who were all lovely and became firm friends.......One man in particular is very dear to me (he would go out of his way to help us out with practical matters with the house and the kids became very fond of him as well & he is just very kind and generous by nature) and I would send the odd chatty text before we moved but I would also see him a few times a week for a chat. He is a few years younger than me and very handsome - us female neighbours would all sort of swoon over his muscles in a jokey kind of way

Now comes the stupid part. Handsome neighbour had stopped by the old house before we moved to say goodbye as he was going home for a holiday and wouldn't return till after we moved. DH was out and neighbour told me that he would miss us and that we had been such great neighbours etc......he handed me a bottle of wine & I put my hand on his arm and said I had a card for him at which point he took my hand in both of his......I ran to get the card and we said goodbye.

The tricky part came after we moved and I realised how much I was missing this man. I appreciated his good looks before but not in a sexual kind of way IYKWIM? but since we moved I can't stop thinking about him. I still love my DH very much but we have been having a hard time of things settling in to the new house and coping with 3 small children.

I know in my heart of hearts that nothing can ever happen with this man. We have been sending chatty texts (nothing bad just hello how are yous)and I sent him a card after we moved to say how much we would all miss him and keep in touch. I told him how much we appreciated his help. We have been texting now (just chatty) for the past 5 months and whenever Dh & I have been back to the house (not sold yet) we have chatted to neighbour.

Dh knows we text and AFAIK he doesn't read them. DH has female friends of his own which I know he flirts with and both of us agree that flirting with other people kind of feeds the soul & does no harm.

The texts with myself and neighbour got a bit flirty and I was really enjoying the fact that this handsome young man would even reply anyway, I went down to the house for a weekend to myself away from the kids. I popped in to see neighbour & I was so bloody nervous I could hardly speak. My mouth dried up & I could feel myself blushing like mad. I was so embarrassed I practically ran out of there.

I left it till I got home to family and texted to say it was great to see him but that I had been nervous (I was sure he realised something was up he was looking at me like I had 2 heads and I felt I had to explain) and he texted back to ask what he had done to make me nervous. Stupidly I replied that I had been thinking about his naked chest too much and would be back to normal once I stopped. I haven't had a reply since and now I am worried I have wrecked the friendship by being too honest (and stupid) His first language is not english and our conversations have always been a bit stilted anyway but I am kicking myself.

I really care about this man & don't want to lose his friendship.

Should I text him to apologise. Should I stop contacting him altogether even though it is so much fun (usually!)

I'm so confused and feel really really like I have made a prize arse of myself.....

[windygalestoday]

i think youve scared him off,stay at home be happy with your own dh and realise this is the danger of flirting.

[umberella]

whoops, yes it sounds like you might have read it wrongly.

Love your name btw!!

[umberella]

nothing wrong with having a perv, but maybe just don't tell him in future.

[DragonsEye]

oh dear. I think you had just started to step on dangerous ground anyway, maybe best to stop contacting him tbh, youre feelings had obviously started to change.

'I really care about this man and dont want to lose his friendship'

I think the truth is you started to enjoy a certain addictive and confidence-boosting flirtation and it's THAT you would miss.

[littlewoman]

There's nothing wrong with having a friend that you appreciate aesthetically, hem hem, but you seem to be in a bit of a danger zone, especially if you actually went down there to see him. There's obviously been an increase in sexual attraction on your part because you missed him when you were apart, and found it difficult to talk to him when you were there.

I would be very wary of continuing the relationship with him, unless you were sure you could get it back to its former footing of 'just friends'. If you think you can, there's no harm in texting him.

I was just thinking how I might react if somebody had said this to me (fat chance). He hasn't encouraged anything, which makes him sound like a decent bloke.

[mrsshapelybottom]

I think you are right, it's probably best to put the brakes on things. I didn't go down to the house to see him, but I was hoping I would......

I do agree I am probably veering onto dangerous ground, and yes, I have been really enjoying the fact that this gorgeous man would even take the time to text me back TBH. DH and I have been on shaky ground lately & he hasn't been very interested in me, so I can see now that I have been looking for attention elsewhere, despite my trying to justify it as just friendship.

I really don't know if I want to keep in touch with this man because I appreciate his friendship or if it's just to see how far I could take the flirting & how much he would reciprocate. Anyway, by not replying he has said more than he could with words

I think I am surprised and bewildred that I am behaving like a teenager with a crush!

And yes, he is a decent bloke because apart from the odd flirty text there has never been anything untoward on his part. Flip, have realised I have been pretty much chasing him

Umbrella, thanks! My name was inspired by DH who just yesterday said he noticed I had a shapely bum

I have so been enjoying all the fantasies about this man though!

[solo]

This is sooohow affairs start. Steer clear. And be happy with what you have. I'd kill for that.

[mrsshapelybottom]

solo, you are right, reading this back it all sounds pretty cheap really.....best to leave well alone methinks.

[hls]

oh dear. This is a flirtation that almost got out of hand- most of us have been there. I have. You might have frightened him off, but even if you haven't, you need to be honest with yourself. You keep saying it is just a friendship, but you come over a vulnerable and wanting more than just being a friend. You sound as if you want the flirting to go further. That's fine if that is what you want- it's your decision. But just be honest with yourself.

[mrsshapelybottom]

hls, thank you, you are totally right. In my head I really do/did want the flirting to go further.....but in reality I don't know. I have been telling myself it is just a friendship and have been really confused about feeling a "connection" with him, when in reality I probably just fancy the pants off him and want the excitement of thinking he does too.

[solo]

Lust, plain and simple I guess. You can get sex anywhere,, but real, down to Earth, in your bed come rain or shine...well, that's love and if you really, truly have that with your husband, forget Mr X Neighbour, and put some new energy into your marriage.
Perhaps you moved away for a reason and just in time...fate.

[mrsshapelybottom]

Solo I never thought of it that way before but you are right - fate, I mean - and yes, I do need to put myself back into my marriage and family, I've been on autopilot for too long now!

[solo]

Good luck!