Will i ever get better?

[shorty100]

My dp cheated on me nearly 4 years ago, still feel sick when he talks about any other women or when things don't make sense, love him so much, he does everything to reassure me and hasn't done anything to make me worry like this since it happened, just feel very down alot at the minute as it seems though i will never stop feeling like this, just want to feel better. any ideas on how to stop myself feeling this way? thanks

[CountessDracula]

have you had counselling?

[shorty100]

I had counselling after i had my ds as it got worse after the birth, doctor said it could be postnatal depression, but the counselling has made me ten times worse because i had to bring up all old memories, so it seems to always be there now, don't know where to go from here, thanks

[HappyWoman]

Do you feel as it you sold yourself short somehow (no pun intended).

We are recovering from an affair at the moment and i feel that some days i just dont want to do this anymore.

But most of the time our relationship is better than it was before - in fact it is a new relationship with someone i already knew pretty well and knew i could get along with.

We have both been lucky in that we were given the time to really think about what we both wanted - it is now 18months down the line and i dont want to think about a future without him in it - but i will not allow him to ever do this to me again so i am also not scared of a future alone if that is what he chooses to do.

I just wonder if you sometimes think - what if? It sounds as if you are frightened to really tell him what you think - you should not be afraid of what you are feeling.

Try to do things for you - to make you feel better anyway and hard as it is try not to think about him and his life - he has choosen you above all others and that is good.

I sometimes think is the relationship really beyond repair - and i do sometimes think that but i am happy now with my life and i try not to dwell on what has happened - it might happen again who really ever knows but at least i will ok whatever and for now i am happy.

Accept that things have changed but try to see the good that has come out of it too not just the negatives.

[HappyWoman]

Do you want to forver punish him for what he has done to you? Do you feel that he still does not completly understand what tourture it was for you.

It does not matter what anyone elses tells you to feel - what you are feeling is real no matter how much he tries to tell you wrong to still feel this.

It is a horrible word but you need to work out what would give you that clousure you need now.

[LoveMyGirls]

How long have you been going to counselling? When i went things got worse before they got better.

[shorty100]

Our relationship is def better than before, we had only just met and he was seeing someone else behind my back i was young so sometimes don't think i've changed much in my head from being that age, so sometimes don't feel like enough of a women if that makes sense?

I know he won't be with me if he didn't want to as i have not been easy to life with, but just get so scared i'll lose him and wouldn't want to carry on if i did, but know i'd have to.

Never want to punish him for it as such, sometimes feel really angry that he has made me like this, but don't want to be without him.

He does everything i ask to make me better, wish i knew what i needed for closure,
Thanks so much happywomen

[HappyWoman]

It is about you 'beliveing' all that logic though.
On my bad days i am the worst woman ever and wonder why anyone would ever put up with me and i am not surpised h did what he did.

It is hard and try and accept there will be days like that - i find a diary helps. I use to write in it up to 10 times a day at first but slowly over time those times are less and sometimes it is now only a couple fo times a month.

I find though that i will sometimes start on the spiral and it just gets worse - try and find something for you that will help you through those times but accept that they will happen too.

He has not made you like this - you must get out of that mindset.
You may always be a more suspicious person because of past events but instead of being angry at him again try to just accept that of yourself - it sounds as if he has so now you should too.

[shorty100]

only been to about 3 sessions of the counselling but really hard to get the time off work for it, maybe i should go back then

[HappyWoman]

I know i will always be suspicious whoever i am with. We try to make more of a joke about it though (not always easy).

He does everything you ask - so make sure you ask for evidence if that is what you need it is not silly it is just the way you are.

someone once told me to have a private ingestigator fund ready for if you ever need it - make him pay into it too!! We havent got that but i would not feel anywhere near as bad if i thought i did one. Again he will sometimes joke and ask if my 'evidence' matches what he is saying. Needless to say i do not have much to be suspicious about but we did talk an awful lot in the beginning about what would make me feel better - and it did take him awhile to really get that i needed to know about any contact with the ow in the future.

[shorty100]

i just hope that i can get to a point where it seems that there isn't something that will remind me of it everyday, feel like i can't get through just one day without getting that sick feeling because i think what if

[HappyWoman]

Do you think what if i had gone it alone? or is it what if he does it again?

If it is what if he did it again - then you really do need to work on you and 'know' that you are the best he is ever going to get anyway. But i know how easy that is to say and how hard it is to really feel it. You feel pathetic for needing the reasurances but something keeps making you ask for it.
Please do try and find something that will make you feel a lot better about you.

If it is what if i had gone it alone - then you need to take some time to think is this really what you want - you could still go it alone - there is no set amount of time that you have to take to 'get over it' and if you dont then you dont and it is still not really your problem.

But i think it is the former and you have really low self-esteem.

Has there been anything recently to trigger these feelings again - apart from the sheer number of cases of affairs on here at the moment?

[HappyWoman]

Can the daily reminders make you feel - wow i am so lucky to be in this fantastic relationship? I am with a man who i know adores me and has choosen me, and in fact we are far better than those couples who just plod along - at least you have these experience to build on. I would not recommend and affair and i am not one of those who thinks they only happen when there is a problem but i was just plodding along putting more of me into the childcare and daily duties. Now after this wake-up call we both take more time to listen to each other and make the effort to do things as a family and as a couple and seperatly too - we will no longer let ourselves get to that 'boring' existence again. It has also meant we live more for today and have had some fantastic holidays rather than saving for that rainy day - we have already had that very rainy day, and boy did we get wet.

Try and think possitivly and not give it your time.

[shorty100]

It is what if it happens again, some days i will feel really happy about myself then we will go out and as soon as there is another women who i consider to be better than me, i just feel down again. i think its so hard feeling good about myself because he did it when i was at a time where i thought alot more of myself and after i have had our ds my body has changed alot and still got some weight to lose so think, why would he want to be with me now when i'm like this, when he didn't when my body was better, hard to explain, hope it makes sense.
Happywomen things you say really help me, makes me realise its not just me that needs reassurance all the time, sometimes will think right i'm not going to ask him today then i just can't help doing it,
Thanks

[shorty100]

thanks happywomen, you really make sense, just need to change my way of thinking now, thats gonna be the hard bit, thanks for you suggestions, really are helping me

[HappyWoman]

I completely understand - i have 4 dc and always have stuggled with my weight too.

I would recomend the diary as it really helps and makes me see how far i have come. I sometimes have to bite my tounge and not ask for reassurances but instead i will go and scribble away in my private book.

I have been feeling a bit low recently and i know this is because i have a lot going on and i am not really doing the things i want for me - there are so many other demands - i just feel like a wife and a mother - and why would he want that? When there are all these women who have glammed up for work and have what i consider to be exciting careers.

Do try and find something that will make you feel more interesting. Even if that is just seeing your friends.

Instead of feeling jealous of these other woman just think how lucky you are to have him to yourself.
Yes he could do it again and you could not stop him but what kind of shit would he be then - he knows that too. That is the way i look at it - if my h does do it again he will have lost all repect from friends family and collegues as well as me and the children. I do believe he never wants to do it again but i am sure he sees other woman attractive and so we will try and talk about it (hard as it is). Could you do this? Would it make you feel better if you knew he did find someone else atractive but was still with you? Both H and i are flirts and at first i did find it hard but i cant change who is so now we are just more open about it. He also did a lot of work and think he knows himself better too.

Did your h do any counselling - does he know why he did it?

[madamez]

I think you have to work on being happy in and for yourself. Because, faithful or unfaithful, another person is not responsible for your happiness and can't 'fix' everything for you. What are your skills, what are your talents, what are your interests? THink about those, work on them and enjoy them, because there is so much more to life than couple-relationships. While it isn't wrong to have/want a couple-relationship, if you make it the entire point of your life then not only is that a miserable way to live but it makes the relationship itself miserable and unhealthy.

[shorty100]

I don't deal with it well if he does find someone else attractive, can't help it, just have a horrible feeling in my stomach and feel a bit numb, i know there are going to be people he finds attractive as i do, but don't like to think about it,
He said he did it as he didn't know what he had, we had not been together too long and weren't that serious, sometimes i forget this, since we sorted things out, he changed so much, we moved in together, have had our son and brought our first house together, we are getting married in september.
I know he would never do anything to hurt ds and be away from him, as he lost his dad to cancer at a young age,
It just gets on top of me sometimes.
thanks for listening

[HappyWoman]

No worries - thats what we are here for, there is always something that gets to us all from time to time.
Good luck - it does sound as if you have a good one there though - who made a stupid mistake and has learnt from it.

[shorty100]

Happywomen, when you say you keep a diary, what sorts of things do you write in it? he is a good one, i just need to find something that will give me closure so we can get on with our life, it seems like its on hold a bit at the moment, thanks

[HappyWoman]

I write anything - sometimes it is what has happened other times it is asking myself questions and sometimes it is just thoughts i have and ideas.

At the beginning it was almost an account of my thoughts
Hope you phone soon, wondering where you are now.......
Then i tried to set myself goals of what i would do each day/week and see if i managed it.

I have also written letters to her (that i have not sent), lists of things i wish had never happened , hopes for the future and try and sort out what i really feel.

Most of the time i dont go back and read them they are just a record of what i am feeling but if i have a really bad moment i will sometimes look and often i cant even remember why i wrote some it (complete drivel most of it).

But it does help me - a bit like putting it down here too.

You could also try and write of list of all the good things about your h and go back and re-read it when you feel a bit low. Maybe get him to write to you too and then you can keep that too.

I have a bit of a brain for dates too - i seem to remember peoples birthdays - so i did remember a lot of particular dates. That is getting easier and H is fantastic if i tell him one is coming up - we are now past all the year aniverseries so it is getting easier.

There will always be things that are going to remind you of it - books tv songs - dont fight it let it happen and then give yoursel a time that you allow yourself to feel sad and then say 'right i am not going to let this thought stop my lovely day....'

Take care

[HappyWoman]

Its called being human - make sure you ask for help if you feel things are getting too much - it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help. Even if it is to do something special for the 2 of you - he will like that too.