need advice about my mum

[sheepgoMEEP]

Hello all again, I thinks its been months and months since I've posted. I had internet probs and real life probs too but I desperately need advice about my mum.

my mum has always been a bit of a manipulative sort of person but I've always put up with it but I just don't know what to do.

My dad died last year (6th june) which was almost 3 weeks after my dd2 was born. My mum coped reasonably well, she went back to work and got on with things. She started to do things like travelling to austaralia on her own which she would never have done before.Of course she had her bad days. I still do.

Towards me though she could be a bit of a bitch at times, I was there for her 24/7, everytime she rang in tears.I sat and talked through my dads death with her and I buried my own grief and still do. I think there was a time a few months after my dad died when I felt really rough and I told my mum and she told me that I had no right to grieve as much as she had because it just wasn't the same losing a father than a partner. she said I was to get over it as she didn't need unhappy people around her.She made me feel very guilty about grieving for her dad especially when she was grieving so much.

more recently Her mum has been quite ill following a fall, she has been stuck in hospital for about 6 weeks and is slowly deteriorating. She lives in kent and we live in North Wales Not far from my mum. It does mean a trip down everyweek tom see her and I.ve accompanied my mum quite a few times and also gone on my own with dp to see her too to give my mum a break.

My mum isn't coping very well but it again has all fallen on me to cope with her again. Her and my brother have a very complicated relationship which I don't want to go into yet. There is only me around.

I have phone calls several times a day from her. Today I have had 8 lengthy calls from mum. She is in Kent visiting my nan and so far she has rung me 8 times and each time she tells me that she is so exausted and suicidal. She is going to take a handful of pills because she wasnts to end it all.
She gets annoyed because I'm trying to get the kids sorted for tea, or bed or the baby etc. She tells me I should stop what I'm doing and talk to her because she is more important. If I can't speak or don't agree with what she says she starts crying and says don't please.. I might as well be dead if you can't support me.. or she says very icily fine your another person I can't rely on then!!

I just don't know what to do for the best, it is making me ill, I self harm anyway and anything like this just makes it worse. I know she must be finding things hard as the anniversary is coming up (very hard she's just been on holiday to Mallorca I know she needs support but I don't knmow how much more I can give, my emotional space is running out. She has just phones me aghain crying down the phone cos she accidently drove her car into my nans neighbours gate. She's ok, it wasn't at speed she just bent the wheel trim.

If I dare go out to a friend or to town or shopping she goes hysterical if I miss her call, she makes commnets like where the hell have you been I need you to be able to answer your phone at all times and if that means putting your life on hold then thats what you have to do'.

What the hell do I do it making me ill.

[nearlybonkers]

Sorry that you are going for this. I was going to post my big row with daughter, need advice post, but your problem is more pressing. I think I'd tell her to phone the samaritans or if she can use a internet chat room put her feelings on here. Life is tough

[missblythe]

Tell he that you are worried about her, and that you think she needs to see her GP . You can tell her that you will go with her for the appointment, but that you are her daughter, not her crutch, and you can't take responsibility for her every emotional back-flip.

No-one should have to parent their own parenst. Not to this extent, anyway.

[sheepgoMEEP]

She has seen her gp and is on anti deppressents. Her gp is my gp too so they all know our family circumstances.

nearlybonkers please post about your row with your dd, you might need support too. I'd hate to think that you feel you can't post cos of my post

[missblythe]

Is she having counselling, or just taking teh ADs? Which are clearly not doing enough!

[MrsMacaroon]

Christ- she's playing you like a song... easy for me to say but i appreciate you feeling torn.

She's manipulating you to a ridiculous level that you're neglecting yourself and your family. the answer of course is to stop but this will involve ugly scenes and childish tantrums- eg the threats of suicide (awful thing to do to you- just awful). Let her get on with it. She is doing this because she gets away with it so you have to take responsibility for your part in this relationship...she wouldn't be able to manipulate you if you didn't let her. There are no reasonable reasons that you should stay in, stop what your doing or answer your phone to her more than once a day for a short chat. You are so used to this dynamic that you have lost perspective of acceptable behaviour. Would you tolerate this from a partner? Or a friend?

Toxic Parents book has a chapter about this exact situation.

[justdidntthink]

You need to be allowed to grieve for your Dad too!I lost my dear Nan and my Dad within 6 weeks three years ago and it was hell! My sister and I were made to feel terrible by my Dad's wife ( not my Mum)because she felt we should not grieve for him. Except that, to us, this was the second time we had lost him, once when he left home all those years ago and now, when he died. It took a long time to accept the situation and if I am honest, I am not sure I have, entirely, because of the way she has treated us. ( Refusing to tell us what she has done with his ashes, refusing to have any sort of memorial to him and lying about certain other things which I won't go into here). Then my dear Step dad died last year and that too was almost unbearable, but this time, my mum, my sister and I have shared a lot of our grieving and we are all coming through it together.
There are no rules about who is allowed to feel more upset than another. Yes, it is different to lose a Dad than a spouse, but that doesn't make the pain any less, its just that you grieve for different things. When its your partner, you have lost a companion, a lover, a friend, someone who is your equal. With a parent you grieve the loss of the unconditional love, the dad/daughter relationship, the support that a loving parent can give in the way nobody else can quite manage.
Your mum sounds very controlling and selfish, but this could just be her way of grieving. I think you need to be strong with her and tell her that you love her, but she is not going to dictate the level of your grief or the way in which you will get through that grief. You could offer to go to a bereavement counsellor with her and maybe arrange to see one for yourself. If she is on anti depressants it might be worthwhile talking to the GP about counselling. Ultimately, she has the power to sort out her own life and must not be allowed to score points over you about something where there should be no air of competitiveness.