When do you consider a relationship to be serious?

[greeneyedgirl]

Title says it all really. Reason behind it is that I am in my 30s, in a relationship with a lovely man (post marriage breakdown 18 months ago), but I really feel at my age that I want a "serious" relationship. I wasted alot of time with my husband (who, I can see now, was not right for me in any way) and I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to end my current relationship or push dp into a committment we are BOTH probably not ready for, but how does one know something is worth pursuing? Why is it all so bloody difficult?

[madamez]

Well, firstly, does he make you feel good more often than he makes you feel bad? Do you spend a lot of time thinking that things woul be better if only he phoned more often/you could be a Better Girlfriend?
If you feel inadequate, or he puts you down, or you think that you need to change yourself to keep him happy, then the relationship is not worth bothering with and you should walk away.
I am not slagging off your DP or anything but if the relationship is 'bloody difficult' (Or have I misinterpreted your post?) then bin it, life is too short and it's much better to be single than be in a relationship that is no fun.
Other than that, have you discussed whether your relationship is sexually exclusive, for instance? It's always a bad idea to assume that another person has the same views on monogamy as you without asking - this can lead to painful misunderstandings.
Do you expect to spend most of your free time together or is it a matter of having a date here and a date there and never knowing when the next one will be? If it's the latter then your relationship is not serious, and if you want it to be a bit more serious you will have to suggest this to your chap (and be prepared for him to back away saying he doesn't want a serious relationship).

[greeneyedgirl]

Thanks Madamez, the "bloody difficult" comment was just a a general thing lol, not aimed at my relationship, but I didn't make it very clear in my post. Our relationship is sexually exclusive, I know that 100%, we speak every night, see each other during the week and at every weekend even though we live a good 40 miles away from each other. We are open with each other and can talk about most things, he never puts me down, just the opposite and is generally great.

BUT, in conversation he has hinted that he is scared of a serious relationship (his marriage broke down too after his partner had an affair), and I can understand his fears of being hurt. I get the feeling he isn't sure what he wants and I really don't want to get hurt again, I am scared too, but I don't back away from him as i really want to be with him. But I feel at times that he is "mentally" backing off from me, it doesn't last, but it's still there. How do I deal with it without ruining a potentially very good relationship?

[madamez]

I'm not sure what it is you want from him that you're not getting. You speak every night, you've agreed on sexual exclusivity, you enjoy each other's company etc. In some ways, the modern mania for analysing Our Relationship all the time is a nightmare: it makes people pick at things that are working just fine and pisses off perfectly nice partners who would rather have fun/sex/dinner than analyse everything they said this week.
Just enjoy your time with him and remember that anyone can get hit by a bus any day as it is: if something's not broken don't fixit.