Attila and others with views on toxic parents...

[titchy]

I didn't want to hijack YCBS thread so started this one

I don't want this thread to become a venting one (there is already the stately homes for that) but it may well end up being that!

A couple of things both of you said resonated with me, particularly because they oppose each other, and I often end up in this situation with my mum (not toally toxic at all, but on the toxic spectrum IYSWIM)

Attila - 'you are only responsible for yourself, not her emotions' (OK I paraphrased). Does this oppose that 'standard' reponse to a toxic statement which is 'When you say x it makes me feel y'.

In other words are we not saying that we are not responsible for their emotions , but we expect them to take responsibility for ours when they say or do things?

This is typical of the circular argument my mum and I have and I'm not really sure how to resolve it?

Any thoughts to add to this discussion folks?

[Youcannotbeserious]

The problem with my mum is that she's certainly not totally toxic. Her reactions to certain issues are toxic, IYSWIM.

There are elements of my life she is very unhappy with. She is a strong catholic and I'm married to a divorced father of two. She struggles to reconcile those two!

I do often feel responsible for her feelings and do try to 'make her feel better'.... But theregain, I know there are times that I rely on her / my dad because of my own issues (can't leave the chocolate dog in kennels being one such issue - I can only really relax when he's with them (unless he's with me!))

It's definitly circular and I do vacilate between being angry to my mum to almost trying to make excuses for her. Mostly, I try to laugh it off and say 'ohh, you know my mum.....'

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi titchy,

I wrote:- "You are only responsible for your own self ultimately".

I think toxic parents cannot be made to feel completely responsible for their own shortcomings. Saying to them something along the lines of "when you do this I feel like that" can often have little to no effect (I have seen this with my own parents). This is because they likely feel they have done nothing wrong in the first place. Such people as well cannot readily empathise with the other person and they see any challenge as an affront and disrespectful to their own self.

If you haven't already read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward it is a good starting point. She writes at some lengths about the "typical" reactions such parents give to their now adult children when challenged about their behaviours shown to them as children.

Stately homes thread is a good one and to my mind has remained welcoming. There is Part 3 now.

I would be interested as well to read the comments of other posters.

Attila

[titchy]

My view is that you should always treat people with respect, and ought to be aware of what you say/do and how it effects others and others' emotional well-being. That's just being a decent human being.

However on the other hand we say we cannot be responsible for toxic parents' emotional well-being.

So we should be reasonable about other people's feelings but not those of our (self-defined) toxic parents (or friends)?

I can sort of get this, but it seems to say 'my feelings are right and justifiable, yours are wrong, therefore mine count for more'. Who's to say that their feelings aren't the right ones and ours the wrong ones?

Maybe there is no such thing as toxic parents, it is the relationship that is toxic.

YCBS - yes I laugh it off too, or go along with it with a fixed grin (and bottle of wine), and sweetly ignore, or lie through my back teeth!

[VictorianSqualor]

The one thing I found myself realising throughout years of soul searching and heartache at the hands of my mother and her partner was that I don't have to like them, I don't have to entertain anything they may say or do or feel or think.

If they were not related to me I would just write them off as not worthy of my time and effort, the same can go for our parents.

There is only so much someone can do until we lose respect for them, so treating them with repsect becomes null and void IMO. You must look after yourszelf first and foremost, you are an adult, she is an adult, your relationship only becomes complicated when you feel you afford her the luxury of constant consideration and rethinking because of what she is rather than who she is. She is owed nothing for birthing you.