Anyone have a partner who makes a BIG deal about little things?

[HaventSleptForAYear]

OK. This is another "moan about my husband thread" but this is also actually seriously getting me down and I don't know if other people manage to live with it or not?

Example from this morning, I take a housekey off my key-ring to give to DH, it drops down the side of the seat.

We're in a bit of a rush (but no urgent deadline), he blows up, especially as he gets his hands dirty looking for it, stands aside to let me grub around for it, "I knew this would happen, so annoying/stupid bla bla bla". I find it, he drives off.

This kind of thing happens all the time, for ex. if he can't find sth he wants, if things aren't in the right place, if the fridge is not "organised" enough.

It gets me really wound up and stressed, and with 2 DS + full-time job I don't need the hassle. I actually feel more relaxed when he's not there, especially with the kids.

Anyone got any coping strategies for this? (I would like him to stop sweating the small stuff)

[StrangeTown]

God I could have written that. 90% of DH's sentences start with 'Where's my...' but he puts absolutely zero effort into organising himself and wants me to do it then moans when it is not perfect.

I am on mat leave at moment, but am going to do rock all for him when I go back to work as it is driving me mad too. Most of our spats seem to happen in the kitchen or the car for some reason.
I really wish he would invest some time weekly into getting organised eg his clothes, sports equipment, work stuff, house stuff. But he won't.

[sitdownpleasegeorge]

My dh is identical and after years of it getting worse I now ignore it as I'll be damned if I'mm gonna get all het up about it too.

He made a huge fuss over his overnight holdall once, accusing me of moving it and putting it somewhere but forgetting where I'd put it.

D'ya know what, after hunting high and low I took his car key and rifled through the disorganised mess in the boot of his car and there was the said holdall with stuff still in it from the last time he used it !

Did I get an apology, NO !

Ignore, ignore, ignore just like you would do with a toddler tantrum.

[sneekpeeks]

My DH thinks he is the only one going through it at the time!
DS had tonsillitis and I stayed at home with him the whole week because couldn't go to nursery/work. DH said after spending just the weekend with him "can't wait to go back to work for a rest", bloody cheek !!
Well, after the week I had had, I couldn't help but blow up.

I then got accussed of being miserable and maybe I needed to see the dr in case I Had PND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His favourite saying is........."well its not there, I can't find it, you've moved it". And then has a strop when I go straight to the item !!

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

Agree with sitdownpleasegeorge - ignore the bad behaviour, praise the good. If he's going to act like an idiot, ignore him.

[Needamassage]

Oh Blimely!

My DS is very similar. It does get to me big time sometimes.

He is obsessed with making sure my handbag and car keys are upstairs at night time in case anyone tries to break in. I couldn't find my keys the other night (i knew they were in the house) but he couldn't sleep, he was so wound up about it.

Before we go on holiday he wanders round checking everything twice.

He's always asking if I've locked this or switched that off and then saying "are you sure". I usually take the piss and say something like "no, I left the front door wide open with a note on it saying where all our valuables are".

Can he take you joking about it or would that make it worse?

[Needamassage]

Yes, sneekpeeks!

My DH is the same - "YOU must have moved it".

If I tell him where something is he will open the cupboard and if it's not there in front of him he says he can't find it and "you always say something is there and it isn't"

That REALLY winds me up!

[Needamassage]

DH even on that first message......

[oopsadaisyangel]

DH is exactly the same. he blew up at the weekend because he couldn't find a small bag that we keep playing cards, bottle opener etc for camping in the cupboard under the stairs. When I got up to look for the bag in the cupboard (because I'd seen it there) he had a rant about why was I looking there - he's already look and ITS NOT IN THERE

After he left to go camping without the bag I opened the cupboard there it was facing me! He'd done the exact same thing the day before about a CD he couldn't find!

DS is the exact same and twice as stubborn!

[Needamassage]

HSAY - Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he blows up like this?

Is he quite an uptight person anyway? Or controlling? Could you turn it into a joke?

It's not easy living with someone like this at all - I've had 15 years of it! I think sometimes you just have to switch off.

At the moment, my DH favourite rant is the amount of clutter we have and how it's all "your shit".

He also goes on about the kitchen like your DH and how it's always messy but thankfully doesn't mention the fridge - he will quite happily put empty boxes and milk bottles back in there.

Apparantely, David Beckham is like this - has to have everything matching and tidy in cupboards!

Think my DH would like to live in a white box with a bed, one table and two chairs........

[hifi]

dh is anal about everything, he treats me as an employee sometimes, he picks dd and i up on every little thing.
we are doing a parenting course at the moment which advocates ignoring for irritating things that dd does, or any child does.he has put this into practice with dd and i have suggested he does it to me, i constantly ask him was that really worth a comment, 9 times out of 10 its no. things have got alot better these last few weeks.

my usual strategy was to do the same to him which then errupted into rows but he did see where i was comming from.

its exhausting picking up on everything.

[Alexa808]

Ever since my dp was my boss he'll go: Where's x? How much is contract x? What's x doing?

If I then run around like a weasel trying to find the answer he's simultaneously calling someone else, calculates it himself or doesn't need the info anymore.

A lot is sprung on me last minute, too.

And I'm always responsible for misplacing keys, books, passports, etc. or get dragged out of whatever I'm doing to support his cause only to see him get mad and finding it himself.

[lljkk]

H. has an obsession with doors & drawers -- he gets very het up if one is left ajar / slightly open. He's been muttering about spring-loading all our doors / drawers so they will self-close.

(Holds Head in hands, prays H. might get a life )

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hah, XH (with whom I'm still sharing a house till we can sell it) is the messiest pup in the entire universe. He tried that "place is too cluttered with YOUR shit" the other day. I reached for the first item on the nearest heap and said "so, these are my trousers, are they? And this pair of Y-fronts are definitely mine, right? Oh, and these papers with your handwriting on them... and this car manual... and this pair of men's shoes... and this pair of knackered old plimsolls that I tried to put in the bin but SOMEbody got them out again... all mine, sure." He got tremendously angry and said I was just nitpicking.

[TigerFeet]

You are all married to my DH

The most irritating thing is that if he has a go it is perfectly valid because I have fucked up - whereas if I have a go then I am nagging and being unfair

He was my boss when we met. Thinking about it, that explains a lot really.

[GryffinGirl]

How familiar! whenever DH has lost anything from car keys to his favourite shirt it is because I tidied it away/put it in the wrong place/threw it out/hid it from him deliberately/don't keep this place tidy enough" . I usually ignore him.

[HaventSleptForAYear]

Glad to see I'm not alone then

My usual reponse is to argue back, or nitpick as soon as I get the opportunity.

Or say things like "well if I'd done that you would be so cross".

Which doesn't help.

Obviously.

But I feel like I'm being weak or giving in if I just ignore it.

I Like your suggestion hifi although actually DH is as critical with the DC as he is with me (doesn't seem to bug them though, they adore him).

I do manage humour sometimes Needamassage (like you, we have the checking of doors a million times etc.). But it doesn't often feel funny

[misdee]

you are all married to my dh. whose nitpickign lead to a huge row today.

[HaventSleptForAYear]

So I'm not the only one who can't rise above it, eh?

[arabella2]

Wow, I could have written almost each and every post as well. Do you think it's an age thing? I too feel weak if I ignore it and kind of get angry and weepy inside, but if I answer back it starts a fight. I too feel like an employee. I think men have a base level of arrogance that is much higher than ours. They can put themselves in their own shoes but never in ours. I actually really dislike my dh at the moment because every second thing he says is a criticism of the above type. And whereas the kids get affection as well as nitpicking, I only get the nitpicking. I suppose detachment is the key but I keep on thinking this is the person who is supposed to love me and with whom I am supposed to grow old and then I get upset because I can see us in the future as two old codgers constantly having a go at each other and who wants a life like that.

[Meeely2]

my dh is very anal - his pet hate is the way the dishwasher is loaded. We have been together nearly 7 years, married 5 and in all that time I could not get me head round the way he wanted it doing, so now....he does it. Saves the arguments!

I have used this strategy in most things now - if you want x doing 'better' than I do it already, you do it.....grump, huff, huff, grump and off he shuffles.

Also he is starts to nitpick "this needs doing, you haven't done this, whinge whinge whine, whine....." I simply treat him like the toddler he is behaving like....."DH, I am not listening, when you can learn to speak to me like a grown up, I will listen" and then ignore any further comments until he snuggles up to me and says "sorry mummy....love you really" (pet hate of mine, calling me mummy when boys are in bed! freak!)

[HaventSleptForAYear]

Yes Arabella, that's how I feel too.

I really worry that if he's this difficult now, and this demanding, that old age will be a complete nightmare.

When I try to be detached from it, I just feel like we are living in parallel universes and wonder what the point is?

It's true, the kids get the affection and the fun too whereas I just get a list of what I haven't done, or what I've spilt or what I've done wrongly or sloppily etc.

[mumoftwo37]

My God are all men the same? My Dh has traits of all the posts. I usually ignore him - but his latest is how did you cook that? When I tell him he says "oh well I would do it like this, it is a better way!" The funny thing is I have cooked EVERYTHING for the last 15 years apart from the last 16 weeks when he has cooked the simplist meals as I have had an operation. Now he thinks he is Gordon Flippin' Ramsay.
Norrmally one of my looks is enough to shut him up!

[HaventSleptForAYear]

Oooh meely2 my DH does that too - I HATE being called mummy by him but he doesn't see the problem.

Now he thinks I'm being nitpicky about that and corrects himself sarkily

[GryffinGirl]

meeely - that's my strategy with my DH too! If you don't like the way I do, do it yourself. Cue much huffing, puffing, back peddling from DH

[barnstaple]

Ignore ignore ignore

It works - though dh still does it from time to time, I don't get anything like so het up about it because I can IGNORE it!