Help - should I confront DP? Sorry long

[cantstopchecking]

DP and I have been together for about 3 years on and off.The beginning of our relationship was very rocky - we had both just come out of long term relationships and neither of us were really ready to start again if I am honest. Lots of issues for him and me and I also discovered that DP was seeing someone else at the same time as me but he ended it and we worked through it.

Anyway DP decided to go travelling and while I did not want him to go I knew it was something he needed to do if we were going to have any future together.
We stayed in touch regularly and I took an extended holiday to go and see him. Whilst away he told me (finally) that he loved me and wanted to make a go of things and that he wnated to come home sooner than he had planned as he wanted to be with me. We had a fantastic time and he came back for good about 5 weeks after the end of my holiday. During this time we we always on the phone and he seemed to be really missing me.

we've since had a DC and are happy however I stupidly looked throughb his emails and discovered that for the last few weeks of his trip he spent a lot of time with a girl he met. The emails are quite flirty but there is nothing in them to say that it went further than friendship BUT I only found these emails through looking at his sent items - he has deleted them from his in box but all of the rest of his emails from when he was travelling are still in his in box. This makes me very suspicious.

I can cope with the fact that he probably met other girls whilst travelling and things may have happened but not after we had decided to make a real go of things. After all if he could do it then whats to stop him from doing it again?

Part of me thinks I should forget about it, after all he came back to me but I wnat to know what happened and I'm afraid it will eat away at me until I do. But then I will have to admit that I have been reading his emails.

[getmeouttahere]

Only you know how much of a dealbreaker he will consider the fact that you read his emails.

However, it sounds like you will not rest until you confront him about it, so perhaps you should just ask him. He may reassure you greatly and then you will be glad you did it.

[skidoodle]

This is why snooping is bad.

You've found out a big fat nothing from before you guys were even serious, before you had your child.

If you're really happy, let it go and stop being so silly.

If you're not really happy (and I really wonder why someone happy and secure in a relationship would be snooping like this) then figure out why not and try to address that.

If you have a problem, it's not that he might have snogged some girl years ago before you guys were even properly together.

[littlewoman]

"If you have a problem, it's not that he might have snogged some girl years ago before you guys were even properly together".

I agree with skidoodle here. You clearly have a trust issue, either because you have low self esteem, or because you think he isn't trustworthy. Do you think either of these possibilities could be true?

[Alexa808]

CSC, I know exactly what you're talking about and I don't know how to help you.

For me, I drew up a date which was when we got together 'properly', from which on I define us as having a real relationship. Before that, the man I hold dear is 37, he's bound to have had a life. My God, I've had quite a bit of life, too and it all ads up nicely.

In your head you need to take the date from which he has decided to be with you and only you as a starting line for your life together. Everything that came before that matters FA. He's made a choice, you are his choice. Try to let go of these negative thoughts. Snooping doesn't always do good, esp. if it's nothing major yet eats away at you bit by bit. Drop it. When these negative thoughts come to you, don't push them away but say: He's made a choice to be with me. He loves me. We've got a darling kid. We have had great experiences, etc. Then let go of the thoughts and focus your attention on other things when they come back up.

Telling him will create a rift and make him lock his emails away from you forever. Don't do it.

[egypt]

ah, but I think she is saying the emails are recent and from them she has concluded he spent the last 5 weeks with her.

[gagarin]

Blimey! So this is some flirtiness from BEFORE he came home to YOU? From BEFORE you started living together? From BEFORE you had your DC (so at least 9 months ago ?

How long since he came home? How old is your DC?

Why can't the poor bloke hang on to some nostalgic emails from his young free and single days? I'm sure you have some cosy memeories of life before this - they just don't happen to be written down.

I think if you "confront" him about some flirting that happened when he was single-albeit after he told you he loved you but BEFORE he came home and committed to a life with you you will shock him with your snooping and suspicious mind.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Well I had a long term relationship with DH for the first year. He's always been one for the ladies, before me We were not serious for the first few months, during which time at least I slept with someone else, he says he didn't but I don't believe him! But he knows about mine. We then had a 'conversation' and became serious. He did kiss someone else after this. He didn't tell me for a long time as very quickly after the kiss I got preg and then lost it, so it really wasn't the time. When he finally told me I was upset that he could do this after we became serious but I forgave him pretty quickly. At the end of the day it was over (I know it's slightly different than yours) and since then he's been totally committed. I'd let it go, if you believe he's committed to you. You don't have any evidence he's actually cheated and he probably hasn't...so let sleeping dogs lie?

[beaniesteve]

It seems like it was a long time ago - at least 9 months if not more. If you can I would say forget it. He probably tried to delete them because he knows it might upset you but if he's not managed to get rid of them completely then there would probably be more recent ones too... there aren't presumably so I would leave it alone and accept that he's chosen to be with you.

[cantstopchecking]

I don't care about what happened when he was travelling prior to me going to see him as if he hadn't had any flings I would think there was something wrong but the point here is that I still feel that he has being lying and has been decitful. For the last 5 weeks of his trip he phoned me nearly every day saying he missed me and loved me yet at the same time it appears he was spending lots of time with someone else. But going by the emails and what I know about him I am almost convinced that it was more than friendship. If he was missing me that much why would he want to be with someone else.

And he hasn't kept the emails he has deleted them - he has kept plenty of other emails from girls from his trip. The thing that worries me is that if he could do this then what is to stop him for doing it now? As I said before, I found out that he had been seeing someone else at the beginning of our realtionship. Prehaps this all stems from me being unable to trust him then.

We are happy but I always feel that he holds back a bit from me and I do feel that he has found it hard to bond with our DS (now 4 mths)
I know this was all a long time ago (just over a year) and maybe I should let it go but would you let it go if it was you? As far as I am concerned it does not matter that he was in another country it doesn't meant that he hasn't cheated on me.

[skidoodle]

"We are happy but I always feel that he holds back a bit from me and I do feel that he has found it hard to bond with our DS (now 4 mths)"

Bingo. There's your problem.

You don't trust him because you feel he's not given himself completely over to your relationship or to fatherhood.

That's why you went looking, and that's why you found something that seems to confirm you fears that he isn't totally committed to you.

You do need to have a big conversation with him, but please not about this girl. She is irrelevant.

It matters that you feel he holds a bit back and that consequently you don't feel secure in your relationship. It's important that you don't feel he's bonded with your son.

Also get straight in your own head what you want from him, what you need from him as a co-parent and partner and at what point you will think about walking away if he can't or won't give you those things.

[gagarin]

You sound as though you are unhappy with him the way he is and you want him to change.

But still I think that to pin it on the possibility that he "cheated" on you over a year ago is rather odd and I really think he would not understand you at all!

Why don't you try and have this conversation but start with asking if he's happy with how things are between you and if there is anything he would change?

You may find that there are also things about the way you are that make it difficult for him - so then you could hopefully discuss changing and also point out what you want from him.

It makes it a more even-handed conversation rather than one full of blame.