Failing miserably to move on from relationship with X. He was unfaithful loads, so what's the matter with me?!

[sinkorswim]

Have name-changed for this - embarrassed by how ridiculous it sounds when I write it down.

I had a long relationship with X, which was happy a lot of the time. However, he was unfaithful a lot. One-night-stands, and occasional I'd-like-to-leave-you-for-so-and-so episodes, when a seemingly better woman came his way. These infidelities/near-departures probably averaged at least once a year for the decade we were together, including twice while I was pregnant. Don't ask me why I didn't kick him out years ago: I don't know. I really thought he was a good person with a bit of a problem, and the good times were really good.

Anyway, he ended the relationship last year in a spectacularly unfaithful fashion, and I think I'm making progress - and then I see/speak to him in relation to DS and I'm back to square one. I'm heart-broken. I want it to work again.

What the heck's the matter with me? Surely the most self-preserving, self-respecting thing to do would be to keep someone like this at arm's length.

DS is still small. I'm devastated to be heading into my thirties a single mum. I feel lonely, overwhelmed, time-poor and worried about finances, and as though no one else is going to be interested in me with DS in tow. It breaks my heart to see DS go off to live his separate life with Dad. We have years ahead of us of splitting up Christmases and birthdays and holidays; of handling new partners and possibly new children; of DS being shunted from Mum's to Dad's and back; and of avoiding each other at mutual friends' gatherings - and it seems so bleak and complicated. But X doesn't see any of this: he simply sees his freedom, his novelty time with DS and the flex to sleep around - to be the bachelor he never was - for years to come. He believes it's the best decision for all of us.

So what's the matter with me? Why can't I let the relationship go, given how clearly X is not shaped up for responsible adulthood and parenting? And am I somehow to blame for X behaving as he did? Could the experience of being in a relationship with me be so awful that it could compel my partner to be repeatedly, understandably unfaithful? Or is it his problem, which he will take with him wherever he goes? I think him eventually settling down with someone else and being able to be loyal to them would just about finish me off.

Help. I think I'm going mad today.

[ZZMum]

can not leave you alone after reading this...

this is not your fault -- you fell in love with a man who was no able to stay faithful... the fact he had so many affairs would indicate he has major issues with commitment, being needed, opssibly sex addiction.. all sorts of problems that were his alone...

this is a tough time for you -- you have been with him for most of your adult life by the sound of it and it is a time of huge chnge for you.. you are probably hanging on to him cos he is all you have known for a long time and you possibly still love him, warts and all..

It will take time to lose these feelings.. 10 years can not be erased overnight... do not focus on him and his life look at your own and make the best of what has happened he has given you the freedom to make a life for yourself with someone you deserve -- go out and get it..

[isheisnthe]

Your not going mad - its natural to feel that way - heck I do sometimes! He sounds like a spineless prat to be honest, which I know doesnt help.

Think long term, what was being in this relationship going to teach your son about how to treat women and how to behave in relationships - I'll tell u what - nothing, well nothing that would have been good for him to know.

You will meet someone new, who hopefully will treat you with some respect and love and consideration. Your son will learn from you and your new partner, and one day when he is older and a man he will no doubt look at his dad as an aging lothario, who had it all and chucked it away.

Goodluck!

[sinkorswim]

I know you're right. But God it's difficult to let go of. Yes, it has been my adult life. It's familiar. And it was, at times, very, very good. What a bloody shame. But yes, again, you are right. Thanks for reading and responding.

[sinkorswim]

You know what else hurts? That when I've asked how he'd feel if I'd done the same, he says it wouldn't have bothered him; it would have been a bit of a turn-on. He genuinely wants me to be happy with someone else - how generous! But you know, while I've never much liked overly possessive men, it would have been nice to have felt at least a little bit precious. I feel so worthless; so dispensible.

[ZZMum]

you are NOT worthless just one person did not value you as much as he should have he sounds to me like he has switched off his emtions if he can play around so much and it not bother him if you played away - I know someone else like that -- he says same thing about his wife, has 100s of affairs and is a sex addict.. it is a problem only he can solve..

The sooner you get away from him emotionally the better it will be for your future... I think some counselling to help your self estemm and to put hte foundations of your new life in place without him would help you..

[sinkorswim]

Thanks, ZZMum. Am starting to see a counsellor - Relate, on my own. I had my consultation last week and the lady thought much the same as you and that counselling would be very good for me, in my present state.

The switched-off emotions thing is definitely going on. It's so hurtful!

It would be a whole lot easier if I didn't need to see him with respect to DS. It's crazy, I know, but it's as though I want him back and for it to work, or for him to - erm - not be around, IYSWIM. Awful thought, I know. And selfish. But I think understandable.

Thanks again.

[Baffy]

Couldn't read and not post.

Totally understand everything you're feeling. Am going through exactly the same myself.

Spent my whole adult life (last 15 years and I'm only 30!) with the same man and it was an excellent life. I was so happy. And we had ds who is more than I could have ever wished for.
In the last 18 months he has treated me horrendously. (Understatement! Repeatedly unfaithful with a 19 year old girl. Taking ds to see her. Sneaking around so that everyone: ds, our friends, and family all knew about her. Except me!)

I need to get some self respect and get rid of him for good - which I'm trying to do by initiating the divorce now.

But the thought of sharing my baby, every christmas, birthday and holidays for the rest of his life. Even sharing him every day and every week! Not what I ever wanted. And the thought of someone else getting the wonderful man he used to be. The happiness we used to have. It makes you feel sick. Empty. Devastated.

How to come to terms with the fact that they don't value us, our relationships, the family they created, as much as we do?? I really don't know. But they don't value it. They don't care. They can't love us, or the children, like we love them. If they did they wouldn't do this in the first place.

I hope someone has some words of wisdom for you because I am totally with you on wondering how I will ever come to terms with this.

[sinkorswim]

Baffy, so sorry you are experiencing this too. It is utterly devastating, isn't it? I feel I might heal by the end of my thirties, just in time to meet someone else and it be too late to continue my family!

So damaging. And he doesn't have a clue. When I tried to counter his "it's-best-for-all-of-us" statement yesterday, explaining that I couldn't go and do the same as him, because what would happen to DS? His stability needs to come first, so I need to put any grand career/business ideas on hold, night life plans - and basically stay home most evenings and keep life as familiar and secure as possible. X said I was simply being a martyr and a victim.

I wonder if there's any kind of support organisation for women who go through this kind of personality change break-up? We could really do with one. Hey, maybe we'll set one up! That can be our new career plan. Bit depressing though, eh?

(((( hugs ))))

[Baffy]

p.s. I've been seeing a counsellor for over 6 months now.

I value myself. I am proud of what I've achieved in my career. I'm a good mum. I know I was a good wife.

He was obviously unhappy in the marriage and I now understand why.

He felt he's somehow 'missed out'. He thought the grass was greener. I was working long hours to support him and a brand new baby. He decided excitement was more important than everything else. And was selfish beyond belief. Breaking every promise he ever made to me.

Knowing all that. Understanding all that. Actually doesn't help.

When you've invested your whole life in someone. And they not only shatter all of your hopes and dreams, but appear to be looking for 'anyone' who can give them a bit of an ego boost and a bit of excitement.

Well it leaves you feeling worthless. Not good enough.

And I know the right man. A good man. Would trade the ego boost and excitement for a loving wife and family any day. But that doesn't take the pain away does it. You haven't spent your whole adult life with another man. You've spent it with him.

And yes, going into your 30s as a single mum, after a long term relationship, is bloody hard.

Sorry I don't mean to go on. My point is that counselling will help you understand it all and come to terms with it. But it won't give you any answers or take the pain away.

I'm afraid I think that is something that can only come with time. And realising that life can be just as good, if not better, without him.
It's just hard to see it while the pain is so raw and your life feels so empty.
I that looking forwards and finding things that give you joy and happiness, is all you can do for now, and that's the best advice I've had so far.

[Baffy]

x-post

yes maybe we should set on up!!

[sinkorswim]

Thanks, Baffy.

((( hugs )))

The selfish behaviour sounds exactly the same; the being prepared to give up on family, this life we had, for the fleeting pleasure of frivolous flings.

I think I understand why X did what he did too. We'd had a difficult few months. He started behaving a bit differently, and didn't like me trying to reign him in. He just wanted to be accepted for who he was (a philanderer? ). I think he felt unloved, rejected, by me, and sought affection elsewhere.

He's happy. Misses DS, but I think life has actually got better for him, from his perspective: none of the "work" of being in a relationship, a son a few times a week for novelty fun time, his business, time for friends and drinking and lots of casual sex. How is that justice?!

I'm just bewildered by it. Scared, too, to hear that you're a year further down the line than I am and still finding it so tough. My goodness, I hope your pain lifts soon. Can you see it happening?

Thanks for supporting me when you're obviously going through it yourself. I haven't got much "give" in me at the moment.

x

[Baffy]

It's ok. I have those days too when I don't have anything to give either. It's a struggle to just get through the day!

I think even though I'm much further down the line, I've never started the 'healing' process as I never accepted it was over. I knew what a shit he'd been (understatement again!) but I had 14 years of great memories. So I believed that he would have his fling, have his wreckless time, and eventually realise what he'd given up and come back.

Sad and pathetic on my part I know!

But I never actually let go. Mentally I didn't actually move on until last week!!
He was coming and going. Unsure of what he wanted. And I held out so much hope that the man I married would come back to me.

I still actually do believe that one day he will realise what a massive mistake he's made.

But to protect myself I need to now move on and really accept it is over.

I could go on forever here!

But while they have you there in the background and the know you'll take them back, they have that security to go off and please themselves.

I tried to act like I'd moved on. Had a few flings. Then started seeing someone.
But I think he always knew deep down that if he said the word, I'd take him back.

So I think the only way forward now is to actually move on. However hard that is. Otherwise it's a vicious circle and they continue to be in control of everything. We need to take that control back!

Awful thing is, that when they do actually realise you were everything they wanted, you will have moved on and be so happy with your new life that you won't want the lying cheating scumbag back!!

How bloody complicated is it!!

But to just focus on the point. They want the life that they are living. End of story.
If they didn't, they would be with us!
So what choice do we have other than to now make our lives what we want. Ok we wanted them. But we can't have them.

So we just have to have a re-think. And start making new plans and new hopes and dreams. They may be different to what we once thought. But that doesn't mean they can't be just as good. Or better!

[Baffy]

Oh, and in answer to your question I can see the pain lifting. Now I'm focussing on me and ds, and making my plans around me, it's getting easier.

I don't have any contact with him except essential contact about ds. Again that helps as it removes the emotional side, stops all those emotional discussions and the constant rejection, and means that you begin to distance yourself.

I feel like I'm missing him less and less.

I make plans with friends and family, weeks in advance, and I always feel that I have something to look forward to.

It all helps.

[piratecat]

just wanted to say, I totally understand all you say, and feel it too.

baffy you have a great way of speaking. hugs to you all here.

[Baffy]

thanks pc

[prettyfly1]

hey guys. wanted to join this thread. pretty much the same as you lot really. he has walked away from our son. my ex is a serial philanderer too and has been in my life since i was 17 (about to turn 26) my ex is also a compulsive liar and depressive who walked out on his job at xmas time and accused me of disturbing him on a recent hol with his other ds from his wife in cornwall to tell him i had miscarried our second baby. He is horrible about our son and a bit of a bully if i am honest but over the last ten years we have also had some amazing times and the pain is so there all of the time. like you guys i have gone into councelling which i am hoping will help with it all but its not easy. i am finding being busy really helpful but you have my support and thoughts!

[bearmama]

Sometimes these types of men are harder to get over than the decent ones because they erode your self-esteem to the point that you feel worthless without them and even a tiny bit of attention is better than none. I know, I've been there!

So dont beat yourself up, let yourself feel what you feel, there WILL come a day when you realise how far you have come, and how relieved you are to be rid of him. x

[sinkorswim]

Baffy, you do indeed articulate yourself so well. I feel for you, I really do. I think I haven't been moving on either, because I have refused to accept it's over. It's almost six months on, and it's only really been during the last week or so that the finality's beginning to dawn on me ... and I'm still resisting it!

bearmama, how very true that this type of man is harder to get over, in a way (though what would I know, having been with him so long!). I do feel utterly downtrodden and undermined sometimes; worthless and silly. Whenever I have tried to counter some of his reasoning to splitting up, he's always had a cool, calm answer and I've spluttered with my words or reasoning, and ended up feeling like the stupid one.

Baffy, I think I might try your approach of not seeing X at all, if possible. Doing DS handovers through grandparents, etc. It seems crazy and yet strangely sanity-saving. I don't blame you for it at all.

Night, ladies. Chin up.

x

[littlewoman]

I just wrote you the story of my life, and then deleted it! My message was basically that in order to change the way you feel, you must change the way you think. Your perspective on this is that you wanted it to last forever and you are very sad that it didn't. I understand that totally, including the pain of them not caring for your feelings, the injustice, the sadness that it's over. I was there a few years ago and it still grabs me even now, some days.

I knew if I ever wanted to recover, I had to detach myself from him totally. I didn't see him, talk to him on the phone (texting only), our mutual friends were all his family who supported him in his decision to leave me with 6 kids (they have all had affairs, been the OW, etc. so couldn't see my problem. 'That's life' attitude). And I decided to turn my emotions of love into disdain and anger at the way he had thrown us away. I am not saying this would work for you, I don't even know if it's really healthy, but I had to change the way I felt about him because our relationship was toxic. And to do that, I had to change the way I thought about him. That is the bottom line. To change the way you feel, you change the way you think.

You have my complete sympathy. Those of you not even a year on, you've a long way to go til you heal. But YOU CAN do it. I am 44 with 6 kids and I have a darling of a man now (met him last year). If I can get someone else, you can!

A message of hope ...today is my ex-husband's birthday, and I totally forgot it!! I never could have imagined doing that four years ago.

[Baffy]

Excellent point littlewoman. Changing the way you think is definitely the key.

In a similar way I think I've started to do that. Rather than thinking about what could have been, what I've lost, the injustice etc. Focus on the pain he's caused and all the reasons why being with someone like him would cause me more pain and heartache. Be grateful that we can walk away and not have to deal with their crap any longer!

[sinkorswim]

Thanks, littlewoman and Baffy. Makes complete sense. I just don't think I'm ready to do it - the change thinking thing. He was such a lovely person, for most of the time we were together, and I don't think I'm ready to let that go - and definitely not for someone else to have him (emotionally, at least - God knows how many other women have had him sexually). I suppose, by deciding myself to move on, it means that should he ever want to come back, I will be in such a place that I'll say no. I don't want to be the one who makes reconciliation an impossibility.

I find it sooo hurtful that X doesn't seem to miss the good stuff; that all the great times don't matter enough to really give the relationship a go. He feels entitled to play the field for a while - he feels he "missed out". DS's feelings about the situation don't move him. How can he turn his emotions off like this?! Is there something wrong with him, or is it simply a certain-type-of-bloke thing? It feels terrible to not even be missed. Yes, I can see the toxic dimension to the relationship. And a part of me still wants it. Oh dear.

It's definitely going to take time. Not seeing him sounds a healthy plan, although I know he finds this hard - he says he still cares about, even loves, me and will always want me in his life. Ha!

I'm sounding like a spineless wimp today. I think I need to eat something - maybe that's why I'm getting all silly.

x

[Baffy]

Totally understand. I really do.

My H says exactly the same!

I was the same as you - never willing to be the one who initiated divorce and never wanting it to come back that I was the one who ended it for good.

And the thought of someone else getting the good person that you know is inside is just incomprehensible.

Don't rush yourself. You're not ready to move on yet. And you can't force that as you'll only have regrets.

It doesn't help when people say let him go, he's not worth it etc. If deep down you still feel there is something worth saving, then you have to do what you need to do.

People may say I've let him treat me like a mug for all this time. But I'll never regret the effort I put in to save the marriage. Despite all the heartache.
At least that way, when we do divorce, I'll always know I did everything I possibly could and meant every word of the vows.
He's the one who has to live with the guilt for the rest of his life.

[littlewoman]

There might seem to be a good person inside, but inside there is also the bastard who hurt you and has switched himself off to your feelings like an electric socket.

He could very well have something wrong with him - 1 out of every 100 people has psychopathic tendencies (I don't mean murderous, I mean unable to empathise); 1 out of every 100 people is a narcissist (75% of which are men).

That means 1 in 50 people (mostly men) have one or other of these conditions.

And so far I've only mentioned 2 conditions. There are others he could have.

So, yes, it is possible that he cannot feel guilt or shame at your pain because he cannot empathise. They display a "You've served your function - move on" type of attitude.

Not saying that's what is wrong with him, I'm just saying it is more common than we think, and not highly unlikely, as the statistics prove.