Anyone else's DH playing 4th fiddle and not liking it very much?

[TheGoddessBlossom]

My DH, who now that I think about it has always needed quite alot of attention (what bloke doesn't?) has given me the silent treatment all night last night and this morning, and when I questioned why this morning got told that he was sick of being my lowest priority. I didn't really know what to say! He pointed out that:

first fiddle is our two small boys, 3.7 and 21 months

second fiddle is our house which I keep immaculate (incl all housework and washing which in this house never ends)

third fiddle is my rather high pressure sales job, three days a week

He also pointed out that I get VERY excited about my social life with a large number of other busy mums, we get together for dinner regularly, and I love organising it, booking the venue, sorting the menus, etc. I also go out MUCH more than he does, but never more than about twice a month. But then I am asleep on the sofa by 9.30pm every night I am in with him because I am so knackered.

He also didn't understand why I was so aghast at a friend's confession that she and her partner never have sex, when we only have sex once a week. Whereas I think that's quite alot!

He has lots of good points to make, he does fall down the priority list a bit, but there is only so many ways I can stretch myself, and I try to make him feel loved and appreciated, bloody hell I'm not super woman.

What do you think?

Bloss

x

[ComeOVeneer]

Well I do think putting the house, your job and your friends before your husband is wrong.

[HappyWoman]

Have a go at putting him first - say once a week is his night. Run him a bath, glass of wine, favourite meal.....

Or buy him a gift to say you are thinking of him. Send him a lovely text today.

Get the children to make him something - A handprint picture with love you daddy on it.

Try and think how he must feel - because it is hard when there are so many other demands.

Hope he soon comes round.

[getmeouttahere]

I think he has a point.

I'm not saying that it is inevitable that he will look elsewhere if he feels neglected at home (AND NOR SHOULD HE!!) but these boards are littered at the moment with lovely women who were "too busy" to see their DH was slowly detaching himself...

[TheGoddessBlossom]

that is a scary though. I don't ever think he would go elsewhere, but I certainly don't want to risk that happening.

But then, flip that over and that makes me really angry. I am slaving my guts out to supplement the household income to releive pressure on him, raise his two children (with him, but let's face it the Mum's do the lions share) to the best of my ability, even he said this morning he thinks I am a brilliant mum, and keep his clothes washed, his house clean and tidy, etc etc.

Some times I do think his expectations about how thinly I can be spread are a bit high. Ok so the whole social life thing can slide more, but it's not like he is sugggesting that WE do things together ever, or showering me in affection.

Now I sound petulant, and I do have to make more of an effort to show e is appreciated, I have just sent him a text to that effect and will talk to him tonight, but it's got to work both ways hasn't it? I can only juggle so many balls at once....

[Othersideofthechannel]

I'm amazed at how much you can achieve.

Your children are quite close in age and really young. I wasn't WOHM at all when the children were similar ages and the house was never immaculate and I didn't go out much either. I still fell asleep every time I sat down after 9pm and sometimes in the middle of the day. (DD had me up at 5am most days).

Inevitably it's harder to work up the energy for sex or other fun with your partner when you are exhausted. Our solution was to do stuff together more eg we would spend an evening doing useful stuff around the house together then another evening just relaxing together, then another evening taking time to ourselves.

Writing this post has made me realise that we have a habit of planning our evening while we are eating dinner. We say what we feel like doing (spending time together/ having a bit of space to do our own stuff/ ensuring laundry is put away) and then try to accomodate both of our wishes.

[littlewoman]

How much would all your other stuff mean to you without him? This is a slippery slope to him looking elsewhere for attention, if you don't re-prioritise.
Look how many ladies on this site are coping with infidelity at the moment. He has given you fair warning that he is unhappy, now it is up to BOTH of you to do something about it. And quite right, he should pull his weight too in the 'making each other feel appreciated' stakes.

[branflake81]

I think he has a point. There are only a certian number of hours in the day/week and you can't do everything you want to - or at least you can, but not everyone will be happy with the results.

Maybe instead of going out so much you could try and spend more time with him, even if it's just sitting in together? It might be a bit dull in comparison but relationships need a bit of cultivating and time spent on them and your DH clearly feels that too.

I have to say, I admire your energy - you clearly have a lot of get up and go! You perhaps just need to focus some of it a bit more on your husband

[mumblechum]

Agree with pretty much everyone on this thread. Dh has occasionally said something similar and I do take it seriously and change things (for a bit, then they drift again)....

[aGalChangedHerName]

Er what does your DH do around the house Bloss??

Maybe if it were an equal division of labour you would have more time to spend with him?

If you give up one of your girlie nights out what does he plan to do on that night? Arrange a babysitter,take you out somewhere nice?

FWIW my DH knows he plays ?fiddle to our 4 dc and my CMing because i have NO CHOICE atm.
He does however help with the dc's lots and does whatever needs to be done round the house.

It sounds from your post that you are doing everything and i think you more than deserve some me time!!!

[getmeouttahere]

Not trying to frighten you blossom. Just maybe a little food for thought for you BOTH here.

Better you both sort out some priorities now than drift apart.

And I do agree, it is kinda galling to have to think about HIS feelings when you are clearly making a superhuman effort to keep things sweet. Decide what you want from HIM and then make some compromises between you.

That would be my advice. (I'm no expert BTW). I just know these softarses DH's need handling carefully sometimes.

[TheGoddessBlossom]

I really appreciate everyone's advice and suggestions. I do know he has a point to some extent, but as aGal says, he doesn't do anything around the house at all (apart from the cooking, he does cook for us everynight, he is better at it than me! I still have to shop for all of it, put it all away, clean up afterwards etc....)

It's not a competition and he does pull his weight in other ways. But my social life is barely two nights out a month to local venues with other mums, I'm not doing weekend spa breaks in London FGS! Every other night of my life is sitting in with him. Which I like - but I nod off!

I have been thinking about it alot today, and we have spoken further on the phone, and I think that I just need to make more of an effort affection wise. More impromtu sex thatkind of thing. But in my current mind set that gets added as the final "job" on the day's list, I do enjoy it but when there is so much else to do/sleep beckoning it's hard not to look at it as a chore.... And why do men ignore you for 3 hours when you are sitting on the sofa, but then want to grab your tits when you are loading the dishwasher? It just sends me into orbit!!!

Oh well, maybe that's just me being uptight and a control freak.

[Othersideofthechannel]

I think it is something to do with how your bottom looks when you bend over!

[getmeouttahere]

LOL Blossom, I've always wondered that too.

And WHY when you are just savouring that last half hour of snooze time at 7am does his todger suddenly wake up and get perky?

[aGalChangedHerName]

I agree he should come before the job and housework and Bloss should come high on his list of priorities too. Can you get a cleaner Bloss and it might free up some time for you and DH,even for a lunch during the day when the ds's are in nursery?

I do think however it is reasonable for the 2nd fiddle to be your ds's. My dd's are more important than DH and i atm because they are little. This will change when they get older obv.

The job? Do you need/want to work? If he thinks you sre too into the job would you want to give it up and put DH first?

I wouldn't want to be pampering my DH if he wasn't pampering me too and tbh it sounds like you are run off your feet trying to keep everyone happy and not getting much of a break.

Hope you can resolve things Bloss xx