'Women who love too much' RELATIONSHIP ADDICTS READ THIS!!!!!!

[sparklycheerymummy]

I am only a third of my way through this book and already it is turning my life around..... I never normally go for self help books or read them a bit and think..... what a load of rubbish. However recently my brother (who is screwed up like me but in a slightly different fashion) suggested I was a relationship addict...... which in very basic terms relates to women or men who pick the wrong partners to try fill a gap they grew up with in their life. I had a very controlling and unloving mother and a very passive yet aggressive father. Basically I grew up with no unconditional affection and I had to perform to their standards to get any positive feedback at all. I am now choosing men that are screwed up so I can try fix them..... then they will love me more than anything in the world...... it never works like that though!!! IN THE PROCESS OF TRYING TO FIX THEM i HAVE DESTROYED ALL MY CONFIDENCE, SELF ESTEEM AND DIGNITY BY DOING ANYTHING TO TRY MAKE THEM HAPPY.....My last relationship very nearly brought me to my knees and it is only now after nearly a year that I can really see my life ahead being happy and better than ever...... and there is no man on the scene. My dd is 6 and I am determined to do things differently with her than my parents did with me. I am a teacher by profession but have shamed the family by taking an assistants job so i can be there for my dd more and sod the lack of money it is just not important. See my other messages if you know how to search for them.... old nickname was Majormug!! WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP ADDICTS OR ANYONE WHO HAS READ THIS BOOK THAT CAN TELL ME THEIR STORIES OR OFFER ADVICE. TA!!!! XXXX

[sparklycheerymummy]

THE BOOK IS CALLED 'WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH' BY ROBIN NORWOOD.

[raisinbran]

I'll have to look for that book then.

I seperated 9 months ago and picked up an old book in a book sale called 'Secrets about men every woman should know' by Barbara De Angelis. It seems to be in the same vein and I found it very enlightening too.

I think you do have to be selective on self help books becasue they often take 200 pages to say the same thing that should have been printed on 12 pages.

I read the Dale carnegie books 15 yrs ago How to stop worrying and start living very useful and still use the tips to get me to chill.

[littlewoman]

Oh yeah, that definitely used to be me SCM. Isn't it funny that we know our own faults really, but to make up for them, we perform the faulty behaviour even more. I always knew I was a doormat, but I thought the way to get my husbands (2 xh's) to like me was to let them walk all over me even MORE. When they really really liked me and saw what a wonderful person I was, I would have all the power in the relationship Mwa-ha-ha.

Stinking thinking, they call that, because I wasn't nice, I was manipulative (and whiney when it invariably didn't work)

[neva]

I read this some time ago. As I recall it had some useful ideas on how to deal with a 'difficult' partner; how to behave so that either things get better or the relationship ends; how to put an end to 'game-playing.' I would also recommend this book to anyone who feels stuck in a relationship which is just not good for them.

[Twoddle]

I'm dipping in and out of this too, and can see myself in there. I know it advises to do nothing; to let go. I find this particularly difficult when there's a child involved - you feel like fighting for the relationship, not letting it slip away. Glad it's helping you, sparkly. Maybe I need to open up my copy again ...

[ginnedup]

I've just been advised to read this book on another thread then I saw this.
A lot of what you have said rings a few alarm bells in my head so I'm definitely going to read it now.

[sparklycheerymummy]

Every time I read it alarm bells ring...... the bit I am finding difficult is accepting that I am manipulative...... I have never been nasty and hurtful and manipulative at all...... but I suppose by knowingly letting him treat me badly so that he hopefully ends up feeling bad enough about what he has done to worship the ground i walk on and end up being so grateful for me sticking by him is manipulative in itself. I did moan a lot and desperately tried to make him happy so he commited to me emotionally...... some of the info i have found on the web state that........

Romantic relationships are not the only type that cause such habits to develop; they can also stem from any of the following conditions: lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, hidden pain, early abandonment, unrecognized early needs, fears of rejection, pain, and lack of love or hope.

There is a very particular group of women out there who's mission is to attract the most hard core emotionally unavailable men to "save" Most often those relationships thrive on chaos and abuse. To the point of developing life-threatening illnesses.

We are certain that if we show someone how much we love him, no matter how he treats us, he will change. What we are really showing him is that it is safe for him to remain the same"

There is loads to read on it and I am finding a lot of strength from it all.... am also on the waiting list for CBT - cognitive behaviour therapy!!!!!