Really embarrassing problem

[toohardtosay]

This is a difficult post to write but its something that's affecting our relationship.

I've been with DP for nearly 9 years. In all that time I've only ever given him one blowjob and then I was violently sick and withdrew into myself for a few days. He never asked again but I feel it coming between us and he often hints at wanting me to do it but never asks.

I was sexually abused by a teacher between the ages of 7 and 9 and was too frightend to tell anyone because he threatend to do the same to my sister if I did tell anyone. I don't want to go into detail here about what he did to me as its to upsetting but its left me with a real fear of having anything I can't control in my mouth. I've not been to the dentist for many years either and panic just at the thought.

I want to sort it out and be able go give DP something that happens in normal relationships but I just can't.

Sorry I doubt anyone her can help but needed to get it out

[Youcannotbeserious]

Does your DP know this?

It sounds like he is understanding.... If you can talk to him, then it might make things easier.

Talking to a professional might also help?

[Grav1]

Hi thts. Just wanted to let you know how brave you are being sharing your problem. As njm asks have you ever told anyone about this before? If not you have taken a very big step today and maybe you will find it easier to discuss this with your dh now if you havent already.

[knowhowyoufeel2]

I have namechanged for this. I think I know how you feel. I was abused by an older brother - I'm vague about details as I've blocked it out pretty well. I was under 10 - that's all I know.

My dh knows about it as I told him soon after meeting him. I was very reluctant to have sex and I still struggle now. I have never liked to perform oral sex on him. I do occasionally, but I too feel like gagging. I would if he went the whole way.

I too panic at the dentist and I'm crap at kissing too.

Tell him - he needs to know. My dh is very understanding.

Sorry - must dash.

[ActingNormal]

What happened to you was terrible and I agree with NotJustMum that if you told DP he would then understand your reasons and he would not think it was your fault. What happened was absolutely not your fault.

I understand how hard it is to say the words though and the embarrassment you feel, especially after keeping it to yourself all this time.

There were things I didn't think I would be able to say to my therapist, but after I had said it once and been listened to by someone supportive it felt slightly easier to say it the next time and now I've been able to say it to a close friend and my husband.

I think MN is a good place to start saying things as well because it is anonymous. Saying/writing it also helps you to accept that it happened and stop blocking it out and start to face it when you feel ready.

I hope people's comments on here make you feel supported and that you are not bad for saying it but really really brave.

[luckylady74]

Just an aside to say that blowjobs are not an essential part of sex and there's nothing to apologise for if you don't do it. Think of it the other way round - I'd be a bit miffed if I thought I'd never receive oral sex again, but after 5 minutes I'd get over it - it's not like saying you'll never have an orgasm again.
You are really really brave for posting about this.