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Relationships

I suspect I will be in trouble now....

40 replies

NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:30

My DP of 2 and a half years has a child by another woman. They were together two months, were very careless and she got pregnant very quickly.

He panicked, told her he didn't want kids, and seized up. Didn't talk to her for ages. She seemed very cool about the whole thing, accepted his lack of interest and took herself off, married an old friend and is now nicely set up with a 2.6 year old son.

DP has always regretted not knowing much about his child, and tells me he does want to be in touch, but doesn't know how or what to do blah blah. He is so scared of doing something wrong, he does nothing.

We ran into her in a pub a couple of months ago, and she came over and said "Nice to see you..." then they had a chat and met up. He said he's keen to meet DS, she said she's fine with that but needs to figure out how and when and what to tell son and hubby.

Now DP has "left it in her hands" for so long and we haven't heard anything. I think he looks uncaring for not getting in touch just to say, hope you're all well and if you'd like to talk, I'm still here. I don't expect her to suddenly turn round and welcome him into her complete family, he's basically forfeited any rights he may have morally or otherwise. I just think he's petrified of doing something wrong, so unless people tell him EXACTLY what to do when, he doesn't do anything.

Anyway, last week his Mum and I were talking about kids, would DP like them eventually, we're thinking about it and it was so so hard telling her "yes I think he'll make a great Dad one day" knowing that when we DO have kids, it won't be their first grandchild. My children will have a half brother. I would like them to know him, or for us to at least keep in touch. If she wants to emigrate to australia and have her hubby adopt the kid then good, but at least let's agree that it's for the best and we'll all have a straight story to tell him when he's grown up and might be interested in meeting his real dad. It's the hanging in the air that drives me nuts.

So, today I sent her an email on Facebook just saying, sorry he hasn't been in touch, it's not that he's not talking about you with me, he's just so scared of doing something wrong he doesn't do anything. this is probably overstepping the line but we've been together a while and are thinking about kids. Blah blah.

I think he'll feel pretty pissed off that I've emailed her, but if he wants to be in control then he should bloody well take responsibility. I haven't suggested anything regarding what anyone should do, just apologised for the radio silence and made a couple of excuses for him.

Was I wrong?? :-[ I'm crapping it. She might not even get it.

The thing is he agreed to email her over a week ago and hasn't. I'm just so sick of it!

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NotABanana · 26/04/2008 14:34

I think you were wrong to tell her you are thinking of having kids together.

I also don't think you should be making excuses for him. TBH it isn't really your business imho.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 26/04/2008 14:36

I don't think you were wrong - I think you demonstrated sensitivity about her and how she might be feeling.

But ultimately if DH won't do anything, you can't make him.

Sad that his parents don't know they have a grand child though. Why won't he tell them about him?

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Wisteria · 26/04/2008 14:40

I don't think you are wrong actually - and I read that as though it was his Mum you were talking about having dcs with not the x.

I think he should have made the effort himself though - it is his son and if it were me I'd be really worried about having dcs with him as he can't even be arsed to send an email now but I may be wrong.

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Alexa808 · 26/04/2008 14:40

Oh, a tricky one. I definitely wouldn't have emailed her. It's a bit too much to tell her of you wanting kids together. Why pour salt into a woman's wound if she's turned it around so amazingly well for herself?

If he's scared stiff of meeting his own son, then maybe he should try to get in touch through supervised visits by the boy's Mum. That might take the edge off, maybe a nice lunch and a playcentre afterwards with both parents. The ex sounds very understanding and decent.

Good luck!

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:41

She asked him if he had any kids, as I have pics on Facebook of me and my charges (with their faces blurred!)

If my son had a half brother or sister, I'd want to know. It could save their life if they needed a bone marrow transplant or something.

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Wisteria · 26/04/2008 14:42

ah reread - sorry, you did mention the possibility of dcs together. I can't see that it's a problem - she's with someone else anyway and it sounds as though you are quite friendly so why shouldn't the op say that they are thinking of having kids?

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Cappuccino · 26/04/2008 14:43

he has 'left it in her hands' and she hasn't got back to him - suggests that she is quite happy with the situation as it is

it's not really on to get involved with her on his behalf - talk to him about it but not to her

I would worry though about having kids with a bloke who didn't even make the effort to meet his own son

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Cappuccino · 26/04/2008 14:45

hang on

you want to introduce a toddler with a happy secure family to his biological father in case your kids need a bone marrow transplant?

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:46

I did say to her that she's a pretty amazing Mum as I know a lot of my friends ex-partners are useless too and it's not nice thinking my DP is "one of them"

He says with me, we are a team and to be honest he is very loyal to me, a wonderful partner, but unf they were only together 2 months.

She does sound like a really nice girl, very reasonable, but as she was anti- him using contraception ("no no don't worry i'm on the pill") and got pregnant SO quickly, and disappeared without seeming to expect any support from him, I do wonder if it was entirely an accident.

I think the whole thing was sparked by his Mum last weekend, she was asking me about marriage and kids and so on as it's my birthday today and I'm getting on a bit :D

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:48

No, cappucino, I don't want to make them do anything. I just think that even if DP never meets his son, and I don't see why he should as they have a loving, secure family and perhaps it wouldn't be in anyone's best interest......
but surely there should be some dialogue, so if the child decides later on that he'd like to ask DP any questions there's still a bit of info for him.

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NotABanana · 26/04/2008 14:49

This doesn't sit right with me but it doesn't matter as it isn't my business.

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:50

...that's really not what I meant, cappucino. I just think having info about each others lives would be good, even if we're not invovled in them.

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:50

...that's really not what I meant, cappucino. I just think having info about each others lives would be good, even if we're not invovled in them.

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stripeymama · 26/04/2008 14:50

I too would think very hard about deciding to have children with a man who frankly sounds rather spineless.

There is no excuse for simply not bothering with your child - no excuse.

Sounds like your dp expects the women around him (you, ex, his mum) to do all the running and make all the decisions and that is Not Good Enough imo.

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:52

Ja, he's a big baby. But there are a hundred things that make up for it.

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Cappuccino · 26/04/2008 14:53

not just spineless, but able to easily walk away without emotion. I don't like that.

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stripeymama · 26/04/2008 14:53

And I never trust men who blame their ex for "getting pregnant".

It takes two.

And even if it was not entirely an accident, the responsibility for preventing it was as much his as hers. It is still no excuse for never bothering to make contact with his ds.

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stripeymama · 26/04/2008 14:54

"A big baby"

What an excellent excuse.

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stripeymama · 26/04/2008 14:56

There may be a hundred things that make up for it for you - but he's never going to be able to make it up to the child he has basically rejected and denied.

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 14:56

er, who said he showed no emotion? he's sat and cried and shook and said how scared he is, he's just got this ostrich syndrome. I know it's pretty crap of him not to deal with it. He is in la la land and a bit of a teenager, but our relationship works and I have no concerns about having kids together.

and he never blamed her for getting pregnant. It's me and his female friends who are a bit he swears he believes it was an accident.

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stripeymama · 26/04/2008 15:00

Sorry but he needs to pull himself together.

And having had a child with someone who had also abandoned their first child, and been convinced by their terrified/hard done by act, I'd advise you to think very very hard before having children with him.

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NiftyNanny · 26/04/2008 15:09

I am listening to you stripeymama and agree. I am thinking hard about it. I'm in no rush and won't have kids of my own until I'm married and very settled. My parents had a strong marriage and I recognise that we're a partnership, we complement each other and I think we could be a good family.

Yes, it's not my responsibility to make him grow up, but I do it anyway, just as it's not his responsibility to make sure I don't get so stressed I wind up in hospital, but he does that for me. Ours is not a relationship based on hanging around pubs, getting drunk and shagging in single beds. Very different.

Knowing how she dealt with it too, the first ting she said was "I'll understand if you don't want anything to do with us" and then didn't contact him after telling him she was pregnant. That's part of the reason he's been a bit scared.

If she deosn't want him invovled it'd be nice to be told "thanks, we're happy now, you missed the boat" and that's what we can tell son if he comes asking in 16 years time.

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LaComtesse · 26/04/2008 15:16

My dd's father 'shook' the day she was born and I had his friends telling me how scared he was. Not as scared as I had been 7mo previously .

It's none of my business really but I would say that the onnus was on him to contact this girl after she told him about the pg, not her to keep in touch with him. She did the right thing and told him. I admit she seems to have moved on but your dp could still have contacted her or made some effort to contact her. Maybe the ex is playing it cool now since your dp was cool 2.5 years ago and her son is settled and happy. But like I say, it's your call .

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RaspberrySheep · 26/04/2008 16:58

Hi Nifty,
OK, first of all, I apologise if I sound like a bitch here, as I really don't mean to.
I am in a very similar situation but from the other side of the fence, I am the girl that fell pg after 2 months together and my ExP does not want anything to do with his DS and never has done. It's a difficult situation to be in, I would dearly love for my ExP to acknowledge my DS, it is so hard to try to explain to my DS where his daddy is when all the other kids at school spend so much time with theirs. Personally I detest my ExP for treating our son the way he does - it's not our DS's fault that we decided to bring him into the world, yet he will be 'punished' by being rejected by his father for the rest of his life.
I think that you geniunely believe you are doing the right thing by contacting his ExP, but if my ExP's new DP did this to me, I would feel that all she was doing was putting her 'he's mine' stamp on her DP. i.e. I'm sorry that MY DP has not been in touch but WE are in a relationship and WE are planning kids together, and therefore I have a right to get involved with his past life'. I wonder if it might be subconsciously a bit of insecurity on your side, rather than you wanting to sort things out for him, i.e. the fact that he has had a previous relationship with somebody else and there is a human being out there to remind you of this. It's horrible to think that the people we love have had previous flings / feelings for other women, etc.
Also, as mentioned before, please think about whether this truely is the type of man you want to get involved with. I'm sorry and I don't want to offend you but he sounds gutless to me. It's so easy to think when your in a relationship that 'He would never treat me like that, he's different now', but leopards do not change their spots and situations change very quickly when people fall out of love. Take it from an expert of an absent father! Learn a lesson from his past - the evidence of how spineless he is is the reason why you are having to do all this chasing and reconciling.
I hope that I am making a tiny bit of sense here as I am RUBBISH at trying to explain what I mean in my head!!
Good luck and I wish you and your man lots of happiness, whatever happens. x x x

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Rhubarb · 26/04/2008 17:07

'Snot your business Nifty. He had this child with another woman. Whatever the circumstances surrounding the conception of the child, all of that happened before your time and I really don't think it's your business.

If he really wanted to be in contact with his son, he would have sent that email. If she really wanted him to have contact, she'd have been in touch like she said.

There doesn't appear to be any animosity between them which is good. But at the end of the day, this woman is settled with a husband who is no doubt bringing up the boy as his own. So the prospect of your dh being in touch could be hurtful for her new husband and confusing for the little boy. Especially if your partner is so half-hearted about the whole thing.

This boy is not your son. If you have kids of your own, you and your dp can discuss whether or not to tell them. But these days it's fairly common to have half brothers and step brothers and so on, it's not such a big deal. And if this boy decides he wants to trace his father in the future then great - if that's what your dp wants. Hopefully you'll both be there to welcome him with open arms. But right now it doesn't sound as if your dp is that interested, perhaps he's just saying the words to reassure you that he's not a bad dad. Whatever, it's not your affair and I don't suppose you'll be thanked for getting involved.

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