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Relationships

Impasse situation - marriage vs career?

14 replies

NonnyNooNoo · 25/04/2008 14:45

I've namechanged for this one as DH has been known to read my posts in the past. I'd welcome views and advice on this dilemma. I shall try to be as brief as possible.

DH and I have been married 10 years, with 2 DC. When DC were pre-school, I worked part-time and returned to full-time work once they were at school. I was happy to work PT as I felt that I had the best of both worlds at the time ? earning money and being able to spend time with the family, and saw it as a means to an end. However, I was always unsatisfied working in my line of work in accountancy, and researched a career change (nursing) with a view to pursue this once both DCs were at school. I want to feel like I am making a contribution to society, and escape the rat-race. This would entail a full-time course of study. I have been working towards this over the last 2-3 years by undertaking voluntary work and an evening course so that I am qualified to apply for the course. We are lucky to be able to fund the retraining course without it affecting our financial stability.

DH has never been fully supportive of this ambition of mine, and we have talked about this over and again over the years, always reaching a stalemate situation in our beliefs. His reasons have changed over time, and as I had overcome each reason, he has brought new ones to the table. The current sticking point is the impact of my the time that I would spend studying would mean that I may have less time to spend with the family on practical level (and I suspect the extra onus this would mean to him).

DH and I feel so diametrically opposed at this situation, that I feel that it is a career or marriage decision, and he has said the same. I feel that if he cannot support my decision to change career, then I am scared that I will resent him forever. Am I being selfish?

Thank you for reading so far. I would value any suggestions that you can offer.

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Twoddle · 25/04/2008 15:00

Sympathies, NonnyNooNoo. I wonder if your husband is hiding other concerns/feelings behind his changing reasons for why he's anti. Maybe he feels threatened by your drive/success or, as you suspect, concerned about how the decision may impact upon him. Is this an issue you could take to counselling together? Talking about it with a counsellor could crack it.

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NonnyNooNoo · 25/04/2008 15:29

Thank you for your reply Twoddle. I had not thought that he may feel threatened - maybe it is something that I could approach gently with him. Also, we have actually been having counselling as we did get off-track for a while and things have improved because of that. The course is something that the counsellor has asked we defer discussing since there are so many unknown factors right now. My interview is next month and I don't know if I'll even be offered a place. I guess I may be too impatient about it all since my view is that he's either behind me or not, so I should wait until the facts become clear to bring to counselling.

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Acinonyx · 25/04/2008 16:16

So at the moment his objection is that he would have to shoulder more domestic responsibilities wrt home and children, is that right?

Hmmmm. I suppose you have made all the arguments about spouses supporting each others personal fulfillment and goals etc and he isn't buying it. But I wonder why not? Has he changed job at all and if he has (or would) would you be consulted? Would you have a veto?

I am currently finishing a PhD and I have one dd, 2.8. Dh has a heavy job and travels. I have to say it really does impact your time and we are still debating how best to divvy up the chores - but we DO divvy them up as much as possible. It took a couple of years for dh to come on board with my going back to study - he needed to be sure it was more than a whim and really was an important change for me. He gets that now - but really the penny finally dropped when I actually started doind it. Now he's very enthusiastic about it - and totally forgets that he was ever skeptical about it. I wonder if you dh really 'gets' what a big deal this is to you and how much it would improve your life to have a job that was meaningful to you. Is his work meaningful to him - and if not, does he care? Could he be jealous even?

I totally think you should carry on with this plan - but it definitley will stress you as a family and that will be hard if you are not in a good place to start with. We are finding this year very stressful indeed and will be looking for some additional help e.g. cleaning, ironing etc.

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NonnyNooNoo · 25/04/2008 19:09

Thanks Acinonyx, yes I think that is the crux of the matter re domestic responsibilities, and he is loathe to admit it as it sounds so weak (IMO). In the past it worked out with me taking on the majority of domestic responsibilities as I was working PT. We adopted more traditional roles at home and it suited us at the time. Since I returned to FT work we have had a few heated discussions trying to re-balance these responsibilites and DH has resisted this, but he has made some compromises albeit unwillingly. I am still working on this slowly but surely. This is something that I can raise at counselling.

Also, I can understand that DH is afraid that this is a whim of mine, since I have been restless in my career for some time and had a few different ideas. However, I have never felt such strength in my ambitions as I have about nursing which I have so tried to convey to him. There is a possibility that he is jealous, as he has made a very lucrative career at the expense of job satisfaction.

I am considering going ahead regardless and it may mean that he could 'get it' once I start, but that is still a risky strategy for our marriage. However, it may be the push he needs - it worked for you, I'm glad to hear.

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Acinonyx · 25/04/2008 19:22

I've also been very restless, career-wise so it's easy to see why one might be skeptical.

Sounds like you two need a shake up of some sort - maybe this is it and and least you will really know where your marriage is going, one way or another. And if it's the other way - well, at least you'll have a nicer job! Good luck!

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littlelapin · 25/04/2008 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlewoman · 26/04/2008 02:49

Ask yourself if you would be willing to undertake a little more housework for three years, in order to support him in achieving his goals. Or even let a bit of the housework slip, for the same end. Personally I think he is being very unreasonable, and I'm afraid I would do it anyway. Is he generally supportive of your personal wishes?

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slim22 · 26/04/2008 03:04

Make no mistake about it, like most men HE is being selfish.
Men like status quo in their home comforts.
Once again it is for the woman to make all concessions and it's likely you will just have to accept the increased workload or face never ending shit such as "you changed", "you are pursuing a selfish occupation" bla bla bla.

It is beyond belief how immature they can be and how totally blind some men become when they have a family. They just completely forget that the wife and mother is also a person with hopes and dreams that need to be fulfilled at some point to feel complete.
Problem is they get used to having you be the main scheduler and organiser of the household.
They don't understand that you accepted to merely put your aspirations on hold and surrender to the flow. for a few years. They see us "wanting a life back" as some sort of rebellion and can feel threatened by it.

Of course it's a generalisation. But the bottom line is he should not make you feel like you should choose between your family (good) and your career (bad). If he does that, he thinks very little of you.

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madamez · 26/04/2008 03:17

Has he actually said what his objections are? You state that it will not have a negative financial aspect on the household (and FWIW anyone who wants to do something that will cause a major reduction in household income should be prepared for resentment from the rest of the household). Could it be that at some level he thinks that you're a woman and therefore what you want is not really very important and if you don;t put the convenience of the family (ie his unalterable right to clean socks and dinner on the table) then you must be a Bad Woman and need to Learn Your Place. Ask him what his problem is, and push for specific answers, because then you can address them (with either, well this is how we wil fix it, or get the fuck over yourself).

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KatieScarlett2833 · 26/04/2008 05:42

I work 30 hrs per week and am studying for my Masters. I have 2 DC's. I would not be able to do the studying if I didn't have the support of my DH. Although I do the majority of the indoor housework, DH cooks, does most of the chauffeuring and takes the DC's out to give me some peace. It works well.

Things will alter and standards will slip, but I can't imagine how hard it would be for you to do all this with a resentful DH. Is there no way you can make him see how important this is to you?

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EffiePerine · 26/04/2008 06:17

Would it be feasible to farm out some of the domestic stuff - get a cleaner, send out your laundry etc.? If it isn't the domestic side and more your DH resisting change you do need to being this up at counselling I think. It's not unreasonable to expect your DH to support you if you have shown your commitment to a career change (which you have).

Maybe he's worried about what will happen when you qualify as well? Long hours, changing shifts etc.

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sallyforth · 26/04/2008 07:11

But isny it weird that his reasons for objecting keep changing. makes me wonder if the real reason is something foolish he is ashamed to admit e.g.

  • having always wanted to do something "worthwhile" or low-paid himself but feeling he can't b/c has to support family
  • afraid of redundancy and wants safety net of your salary
  • stereotype of the naughty nurse
  • stereotype of nurse falling in love with rich patient/godlike surgeon


could be anything really, he will prob deny base motives to the hilt, but watch his comments very closely, he may start to give awaay his secret fears (esp if drunk or under strong pressure). His dreams may be particularly telling, if you can get into a "who has been having the weirdest dream" conversation.
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NotABanana · 26/04/2008 07:19

Bloody hell! If my husband told me to chose between him and a career i know which I would choose. I already have a 2 year old. I don't need another one!

Tell your H you want to do this and if he doesn't want to do his duty as a husband and father he can pay someone to do it! Cleaner, au apir, etc etc.

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NonnyNooNoo · 26/04/2008 11:26

Thank you for your comments all. I'm surprised at how much your posts have pinpointed the crux of this issue that I have been struggling with for so long after I've typed a few paragraphs sitting at my PC. The beauty of Mumsnet! There are very valid points made each poster here. I have had a problem by not standing up for my wants in the past and this is something I am working on, and this is to the extreme with this career-change decision. I feel reassured that there is unanimous support that I pursue this ambition, although I know this is just my side of the story regarding our situation.

I think we really need to open up the discussion about the obstacles that he sees and how we can overcome these on a practical level, and for me to push for specific answers, like Madamez suggests. At the moment, we both feel that this is best within the counselling environment, since we have been struggling to overcome these differences on our own, sadly.

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