is our marriage over? help!

[petitmaman]

hi everyone, would love some advice.
dh and i have two children, age 6 and 1.
I do everything around the house but do not work. my husband works and feels that this entitles him to do nothing with children etc. (same old story).
he contributes to the joint account(so do i as much as i can afford as we are on a tight budget) yet dh still manages to keep aside 350 a month for his hobbies etc. I dont mind him doing these but he seems to think it is his right. same old, same old.
I have known for years things werent great but my excuse was always "well, he doesnt hit me or have affairs etc and he loves me ."
six months ago i found out he did have an affair (3years ago and in another country so almost seems irrelevant). BUT i am still struggling to come to terms with it(think it is just whole marriage i am struggling with actually).
In a way things have been better since I found out because he has been making more of an effort. thing is i just think that i dont love him, or even really like him, anymore.
Am with him for the children but a split seems inevitable in the end. do i just do it now?
dont think dh would be very happy about this as he says he is happy, but why wouldnt he be? life is very easy for him at the moment.
sorry to go on andwould be grateful for any advice.

[dizzydixies]

have you spoken to him about this?
does he know you are fed up enough to consider leaving

am sorry but with our budget if dh kept aside that amount of money for hobbies I'd be and then again its all relevant

do you get money for your hobbies/time off etc? does he treat you or include you in his leisure activities

have you considered all the practicalities of being a single mother - or even tried relate or similar

am not saying stay with for the sake of ease but at least give him the chance to change once he's informed you're that serious about it all

maybe he'll start reminding you why you married him in the first place

[FAWKEOFF]

he wpuld be happy wouldnt he...

he thinks that you have forgiven is infidelity, I cant tell you what the best thing is for you to do but if you truly feel that you dont want to be with him then you have answered your own question

[Judy1234]

You need to get back to full time work and out earn him and spend your own money.The reason you have the problem is because of the rather old fashioned sexist way you have set things up at home.

As for the infidelity that may not matter if you can put it out of your mind.

Do you still love him or are you just financially dependent on him?

[Anna8888]

He treats you very badly.

Either you learn to stand up for yourself, and he learns to respect you - or you leave.

How you decide to stand up for yourself depends on what you really want. Do you want your own job and money? Do you want a fair division of responsibility across all the areas of labour in your marriage? Do you want better sex and more fun? Etc

[noddyholder]

xenia what codswallop.If a woman chooses to stay at home and look after her kids for a few years it does not entitle her dh to financially short change her It is a partnership.And your advice on the affair is laughable if we could all put every bad thing that happens to us out of our minds life would be a breeze. Tbh I am not surprised you no longer love him he is running the show on his terms.What do YOU want?

[Judy1234]

I still think if she worked she would solve some of her problems and it wouldn't be such a worry if they broke up either but certainly couples do need to reach agreement on how much of the money they each spend and it's one of the biggest areas of dispute in many marriages.

[littlewoman]

I think the psychological effects of work on a woman are enormous. It demonstrates to her that the outside world sees her as useful, efficient, capable, deserving of kindness & respect. It recognizes her need for time off, leisure, money, - praises and rewards her for her efforts, etc.
Of course it might be the case that the OP can't go to work at the moment, but if she can bear in mind that in her home life she is AS ENTITLED to these things as she would be in the workplace (after all your home is your work place, OP) then she will be mentally equiped to expect/ demand such treatment. If you had a business partner who left you to do all the work, plus unlimited unpaid overtime, whilst he pocketed all the profits instead of sharing the wealth with you, you would quit the partnership and sue his arse. So would everybody. Why expect less from your partner at home?

[beaniesteve]

petitmaman - did you work before you had your kids?

[petitmaman]

Thank you . I did work up until a couple of months ago but had to stop due to health reasons. again i am finding this difficult, esp as dh seems to think that i sit around all day and it is now my job to do everything. seems to forget that i gave up work because i had to, not because i am lazy/wanted to. unfortunately i dont really have the time/energy for my own hobbies. does anyone else feel guilty if they leave the children with dh for a couple of hours? (the guilt for my dh my stopped since i found out about the affair but still feel guilty re children. not sure why). also, i want to spend time with my children which he doesnt seem to want to. have told him all this since affair (and many times before i told him not happy with division of labour etc) tried relate (dh didnt want to come) wasnt really for me but am open to other suggestions.
am not that dependandent on him financially as i put down a huge deposit on our house my self, though not sure where i stand legally o this as house is in both names.

[petitmaman]

to answer your question noddy holder. in an ideal world i want to love my husband and be a happy family. other than that i am not sure. me not to be in permanent turmoil? will get back to you

[Judy1234]

Perhaps the answer is for you to recover from the illness then and then resume work. If it's depression even that can be sorted out. I can't imagine what is harder than looking after smaller children if you're ill though. Office work certainly is much easier than that. Most of us go to work for a break (men and women)!

[dizzydixies]

I think you need to sit him down and make him realise how miserable you truely are and ask him to offer an alternative to the marriage dissolving

only do it though if you are absolutely prepared to go it alone - no point in empty threats just to shock

re the house deposit - get yourself to CAB and check where you stand on that one

[petitmaman]

it is not depression and unfortunately something that does not have any sort of cure.
i have sat dh down many times but he just says "oh i will try" and then nothing changes. i feel like i am carrying him alot and i just dont have the energy.
the trouble is even if he turned around and was the perfect husband i am not sure whether it is just too late for us. on the other hand is it better just to muddle through? an eternal debate i suppose.

[dizzydixies]

an eternal debate that could see you wasting your life waiting on him to change

have you tried writing down lists, I have to do this for my dh if I want stuff done

what about saying, right on Xday we're all going here as a family and on Yday you're looking after the kids so I can go out for my lunch

btw - do you get any alone time as a couple?

[petitmaman]

a list works if it is done in his own time. i can go out and leave him but would get big sighs if say on one weekend i went out on one day and wanted to do a family thing on the other. it seems to be his right to have at least one day to himself. otherwise i get comments such as "when is my weekend?" etc.
we get couple time in the evenings but to be honest i am too tired to want to do anything but if i do suggest anything then it is seen as a favour for me (him not watching t v)
to be honest i am probably being a little unfair here. dh will do things if asked and doesnt mind me going out etc. i just always feel that it is his hobbies first and us second. i feel i need more support and as a couple we would have finished a long time ago. but is that enough reason to split up a family, especially as it is only me that wants to? any advice welcome, i promise to stop going on soon!

[dizzydixies]

when is his weekend?!?!?

when are your allocated days off?!

my dh thinks that his days off should be really off so have explained if he wishes this to happen he needs to get off his arse and do stuff before or after his normal working shifts

if you feel you are trapped in a loveless/friendless marriage then is it worth keeping it together for the sake of the kids

being from a broken home is not unusual these days and many people manage it very successfully

am not sure you're quite ready to give up on it all yet or you would have come to your own decision and would be looking for advice as ot how to go about it

time for a very frank no holds barred talk and tell him its the step before considering dissolving your marriage

[petitmaman]

will do that. thanks for your help everyone. esp dizzydixies.

[dizzydixies]

you're welcome, I just wish we were helping with a 'nicer' problem iyswim?

let us know how you get on I hope it all ends ok regardless of how it turns out

[Judy1234]

We ended up together but unhappy (or at least I wasn't happy) and ended up with one of us having the children on one day at the weekend and the other on the other weekend but usually because the other was working rather than relaxing. It isn't really an answer because what you want is to enjoy each other's company either just you two together or doing things together with the children. SO I don't particularly recommend completely split shift weekends on child care although a few hours off each is wise as long as it is fair.

No one can answer for you if you'd be better off without him. Divorce is very difficult and lots of people end up no happier but despite that for me/the children it was the right thing for us.