It's a long one I'm afraid!

[Aaaarrggghhh]

I am a regular but I have namechanged to prevent people knowing all and sundry about my relationship.

I need to start by saying I am not pinning the blame all onto DH, I know I am the cause of a lot of the issues in our relationship, but I do need some good sound advice, which I know I will get here.

Here goes.

DH and I have been through a lot. We met very young, had our first baby very young, but he was stillborn. We then had another baby a year later. I struggled a lot after the death of our first baby and in hindsight should have grieved properly before having our next baby. This obviously made things difficult and we split when our child was 10 months old, but stayed very close. But he did move stright in with another woman at that time. When he was 4 we got back together (after a fashion as he worked away and was only home at weekends) We moved away from our home town when our child was 7 and had our next child 2 yrs later and another 2 years after that. While I was pregnant with our youngest he had an affair which lasted 6 months with someone who was totoally besotted with him.

That really destroyed me, but he saw that and was sorry and we stayed together. We moved away from there as I couldn't bear him to be around her (as he would have been)

Things have just got more and more difficult. I do have trust issues with him, but try very hard to control them. I have to, he works away a lot.

I am overprotective of our children, but I had a horrible childhood and was abused by my GF and I want my children to be happy and be children.

I think the main issue atm is that I am facing a lot of the abuse issues and am not handling it very well. I am on ADs because of it, but find it incredibly difficult to talk about, even to DH, which I know he doesn't like.

Like I say, he is away a lot and so I do the majority of the child care. But he wahts to change it all when he is home.

I love him, and I know he loves me, but he just wants a perfect relationship which is difficult given the past.

I would like to feel a bit more appreciated. I do everything here while works and does the things he enjoys. For example tomorrow he is off racing motorbikes until Monday evening and I have to drive the youngest 2 to collect my eldest 2 hours away while he has gone to buy a new bike. I have also just had the 2 youngest for a week alone becuse he has been on a course with our eldest for a week. I don't mind him doing the things he enjoys but I don't get any time. I do everything for eveyone else, but no-one does anything in return for me.

I need to stop being angry at him and show him how much I love him, but I need him to do that for me too.

He has suggested counselling, but tbh, when the hell are we going to find time for that when he is away all of the time.

I know this is a bit garbled, but I guess I am trying to say, I do love him, I care deeply about him, but I don't know what to do.

I am thinking a weekend alone togther may be good as we always have the children around. Do you think that would help?

[BraceYourselfMavis]

The one line that jumped out at me was
"I love him, and I know he loves me, but he just wants a perfect relationship which is difficult given the past".

He wants the perfect relationship?

He knows you have issues from your childhood and need to feel secure and loved.

And his way of showing you this is to have sex with other women?

And carrying on with his hobbies as if he has no responsibilities?

I think your first stop should be at your GPs, to try and access some counselling wrt the abuse issues.

Then you need to arrange some time to yourself, so sit down with your DH and work out when he can have sole charge of the children - even if you just have a lie in, or a walk, or sit in a book shop with a coffee for an hour or two, to start with.

It sounds like you feel you are to blame for his mistakes - and your depression may make you feel like this.

How long have you been on your ADs? Are they working for you - are you starting to feel any better?

You can do this - you just need a rest, and some support.

[loopylou6]

I think you do need to have councelling and i think your DH needs to understand that you should not be left to cope all on your own. Why was he off racing bikes whilst you where alone with the children?

[Aaaarrggghhh]

I am going to a support group for abused women and I think this has sparked off all of my emotions. I have only been on ADs since starting that group and it has had a profound effect on me. They do work and I have been a bit better, I ma just quite emotional - understandably.

He does take the children out to give me a break, normally it is only a couple of hours on a Saturday.

I don't feel like I am to blame for his sleeping with others and I don't think he is now at all. That was his fault entirely and he knows that. I think he just feels that 4 yrs on I should have forgotten, but that is a classic man way of thinking.

I do have time alone when the childrena re at school/nursery but I think WE need time alone.

I have tried so hard to give him my support (his dad died in a horrible way a couple of years ago) and I know he wants to support me, but doesn't understand why I can't talk about it. I don't even say what happened to me in the support group tbh.

I know he just wants us to be happy. He isn't a bad man at all, just a bit insensitive at times.

I really don't mind his hobbies, not at all. He works hard and needs to let off steam. Thats fine.

Arrrrggghhhh!! Hence the name change

[TimeForMe]

I really feel for you. Your post to me screams of a woman who is feeling lonely, isolated, exhausted and put upon. I wonder if your depression is partly caused by this. I suspect that your self esteem is low too.

I agree with BYM and thik that your first stop should be your GP, arrange some counselling for yourself. This will help in a lot of ways.

You do seem to be taking a lot of responsibility for your husbands actions and seem guilty for doing so. I think you have every right to feel angry at him for working away all week, leaving the running of the house and the childcare to you then, coming home at weekends and indulging in his own hobbies and interests. I would be angry too.

I think a weekend away, some time together with just you and him might be a good start. You need some time to talk, to tell him how you are feeling xx

[TimeForMe]

now i'm confused. So tell us, what would you like from your relationship?

Just a thought but, have you got any interests of your own, any friends that you go out with and have a laugh, talk to?

I just wonder if you need to do something more for you, if you are feeling a little unfulfilled within yourself. Basically, are you bored?

[BraceYourselfMavis]

Oh OK.
From your second post, it seems like I completely misinterpreted your first post.

[Aaaarrggghhh]

Sorry to disappear, have just driven to London and back.

To answer some questions, I do have loads of lovely friends, but must admit when I feel like this I tend not to see them so much. I have hobbies too, but I can't really go out to do them as DH is away working so much.

I am bored I gues and feel unfulfilled. I was a nurse before we had our younger children and I miss it. I also miss the independence I suppose. But that will change next year when the youngest goes to school.

No, I don't think much of myself, and thats down to the fact that most people in my life have let me down and so therefore I guess I don't feel very worthwhile. Saying that DH does keep saying he still fancies me (and I'm not too bad whatever I say)

I would like DH to think about me more. He thinks about his mum and his sister loads and is very considerate and helpful towards them. They could say things that I can't without him getting all moody and it bugs me. He often says his sister looks tired and could do with a break, but she has MIL nearby and her MIL who both have her children quite a lot, she doesn't work, she has weekends away and her DH is home at 5 every night. I just wnat a bot more consideration. Our situation is our situation and we can't do much about that, but I just want him to see that I am more than mummy/housekeeper/cook etc. Maybe we are going to have to the counselling route. At least he is keen to now, he didn't want to a few yrs ago when I suggested it.