How to Learn To Trust Again

[shorty100]

How can you regain trust again after it has been lost, can't stop worrying all the time about my Dp finding someone else, always reading to much into everything, just needed some advise of how to let the past go. Thanks in advance

[shorty100]

anyone?

[davidtennantsmistress]

is there any particular reason it was lost?

[mampam]

My ex cheated on me, but didn't want to stay with me, he wanted to be with the OW. If he had of wanted to stay he would've had have been completely open and honest with me and made a real effort in doing so to ease my fears and done so on my terms.

I am married again and still have slight trust issues, DH has never given me reason not to trust him, but because of whats happened in my past DH understands this.

Rightly or wrongly I check DH's phone every now and then, I can't help it as this is how I found out about ex's affair.

I think trust is something you build over time. Shorty if your Dp has done something to lose your trust it is up to him to do everything he can for you to regain it. Has he cheated on you?

[shorty100]

We have been together for 4 years and when we first meet he was seeing someone else as well as me behind my back, he did alot of thinking and decided he wanted to be with me, since then he has changed completly and done everything to regain my trust, but recently i seem to be stuck in worrying that it could happen again and can't seem to let go of things, i love him so much and don't want to lose him, we have a ds who is 13 months and are getting married in september and i just want to be better, he is getting really fed up of all the questions and just want to know how to let go. have noone in rl to talk to about it so just feel a bit alone

[lilacclaire]

Unless you have any other reasons for suspicion then your going to have to take a leap of faith (as I call it) and let go of the past and trust him.
Even if your thinking something, try not to say it.
Is he open with you, doesn't hide his phone etc.
I was very very suspicious of dp and its taken 2 years of me literally checking his every move/phone/emails for me to accept that he's never cheated or even done anything remotely suspicious.
My suspicion was down to an ex who treated me very badly for a very long time and although I knew in my head that not all men were the same, it was very hard to let go and accept this in real life.
Dp was very hurt that I did not trust him and must have the patience of a saint!

[shorty100]

I know i have to learn to trust him, just don't know how to, it must be horrible for him knowing i don't trust him. just worry he go back to how he used to be. just got to a point where its making me ill, i worry that much and always feel so down.

[shorty100]

bump

[TLV]

have you tried counselling - alone or together as a couple to talk through your issues?

[HappyWoman]

It is very hard and you may have to accept that you will never completly trust in the way you want to. After all you already know he is capable of lying to you so it is up to him to re-assure you.

Is there a reason do you think that it has come up again now?

Also try and think of possitive ways in which you do trust him. With your dc for instance - do you trust him, with money - is he trustworthy. Does he support you in other ways - can you rely on him to do things he says he is going to do.

I know i feel less secure when i am feeling a bit down - do you think this the case?

You know that feeling like this is not going to stop him from going off but you need to feel that you are the best he will ever get and so not have a need to stray. -try and boost how you feel about yourself.

It is a tough one but you do need to take it one day at a time and maybe get some counselling alone to sort out why you really dont trust him.

[shorty100]

I went to conselling just after had ds over a year ago and to be honest i think thats what made me worse, because i had to go through everything again and remember all the bad memories. i do think if he didn't want to be with me forever, he wouldn't have stayed and put up with me the way i am. just don't know how to get past the intial worrying and just letting it go,after all me worrying won't change anything

[TLV]

I think it helps to deal with bad memories though because if we don't they will just fester and then resurface again, by dealing with them it enables us to cope better (not sure what your bad memories are) maybe seeing a different counsellor would help

[shorty100]

Thanks for your help, the problem is i don't know how to deal with the bad memories, think thats why worry so much. think i need to see a different counsellor but scared as don't want to go through everything again. but really not dealing with it at the moment.

[shorty100]

bump

[HappyWoman]

I dont agree that you have to face all those bad memories to be able to move on. Going back there will not change them the only thing to gain from it is to learn from any mistakes that you made and then move on.

If the bad memories were not of your making but something someone did to you there is nothing you can do by just bringing it up again and again.

We all have bad things that happen and i do understand that there are sometimes things that trigger those memories from time to time. But there does come a time when you have to say 'these things make me who i am now'.

I hope that helps.

There are things you can do to stop the negative thoughts affecting you and your relationship though.
Try instead of asking him all the time to write down when you feel insecure and see if there is anything YOU can do to help yourself.

By continueing to ask for assurance from your partner you are going to be proved right and then you can say 'see i told you, you would leave me'. Try and be happy not right.