Despairing. Sorry, this is long and probably doesn't make much sense

[EmilyBronte]

I'm not sure what to write because I have so many feelings and emotions going round in my head right now. Had another row with DH and am hating this relationship. Desperately know we have to sort things out but can't see any way through.

Background: brother in hospital because very ill with cancer. Two children under two. Need to move and finding the hunting stressful. Broke up a few years ago and lived apart for 8 months and haven't talked about that time. He has a very weird and cold relationship with his family which I can't relate to at all but gets very defensive and angry whenever I try to talk about it with him/help him talk about it.

I just feel that we are becoming more and more distant from one another, and both of us are at the stage where we make an effort because that is what you do, not because of love or desire or even because we care particularly about the other person. When I try to talk through things with him it becomes a horrible row and he blames it on 'the amount of stress' I'm under, never talks rationally or sees his place/responsibility in the argument. I'm fed up with it, I'm exhausted, I'm emotional and I'm desperate for us to be ok. But we're not. He holds me at arm's length and doesn't allow me to get close.

Sorry, this is long and rambling but I'm really despairing.

[EmilyBronte]

He just doesn't/won't communicate anything remotely personal with me. When he says personal things he won't make eye contact. He keeps this huge barrier up between us and when I beg him to let me get close he says 'that's just the person I am', and I can't respond. I can't stand all the silence between us.

[violetskies]

Emily, first of all I am so sorry to hear about your brother cancer is a bitch. Do you think the grief you feel about your brother is why you need to talk about dp family? I am sure you appreciate that every one has different up bringing, but do you not think that with you pushing him to talk about his family you are actually pushing him further away than he is anyway. I mean just because you are close to your family it doesn't mean he has to be. Unfortunately even though you are in a relationship together it doesn;t mean that you have to discuss his and his families relationship, that is his family not yours and he has a right NOT to discuss that ONE aspect of his life with anyone even you.

[green]

Not sure what to say, but wanted to say I'm here and listening...
When you argue does he stay distant/ unemotional?

[madamez]

I ma sorry you are having such a bad time, but some people just are emotionally reserved and it sounds like your DP is one of them: you can't make a person into someone they are not, and it's actually unkind to keep pushing someone into opening up when they don't want to. Also, the more you pressure him, the more distant he will become.

[ChipButty]

Sorry to hear about this. My initial instinct is to say that there is too much else going on in your life at the moment to try and tackle this right now: You have a hell of a lot on your plate. Would it be possible to carry on for a while longer, until things are more settled with your brother? I just think that trying to tackle this now with so much else going on AND having 2 very young children to deal with would be too much for you. You must be under a lot of pressure. That said, I don't think your DH is being very understanding or supportve of your situation. Do you have anyone to vent to in RL?

[EmilyBronte]

Violet: I really really try to respect that he doesn't want to talk about his family, but it makes it so hard at times as I just get no insight into his feelings about them. I try to understand, but I have no idea if I understand correctly!
Green: I badly need someone to listen to my rant. When we argue he deliberately becomes very calm and quiet, talks in a very considered way or gets defensive. The calmer he gets the more would up I get and then he accuses me of shouting and being over emotional and upsetting the kids (although they are in bed this time).

[EmilyBronte]

The argument actually started because I was upset that he had barely made a fuss of me this mother's day. It's dull - the usual thing that couples with kids row about so I won't go into details. But it turned into something more and stirred up old feelings that I have about his inability to open up to me. No I can't push him, but I was respectful to 'who he is' for years and years and it started to kill who I was. I can't live in silence.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Sounds tough.
But many men dont like to make a big deal about personal stuff. Where you want him to open up, he might feel there is nothing to open up about, and just get irritated.

My DH is a little like that, he is quite reserved, and I just have to respect that this is who he is. His father died last year, the year before his grandfather, the year before that his grandmother. I would not dream of pushing him to open up about how he feals/felt. It will come when he is good and ready. He mentions these family members, but without much emotion. from a female perspective you would expect floods of tears, memories shared, agonizing, etc, but not everybody is like that. My dh cut a business trip to Asia short, flew home for the furneral, and that was that.

[controlfreakyagain]

how long have you been together?
how long were you together before your first dc?
has he changed or has he always been like this?
have you changed in what you want / expect from him?
you cant change how he is you know, his personality.... and you cant expect him to meet all your emotional needs....
having small dcs is exhausting / hard.... is that the root of it do you think?

[ChipButty]

I can understand your frustration but I think that the more you push for him to open up, the more he will withdraw. A lot of men are like this, unfortunately. I think the best thing that you can do is to continue to lead by example - talking about your feelings and thoughts but not forcing him to reveal things he would rather keep hidden. Maybe in time he will come to see that it is okay to open up.

[vInTaGeVioLeT]

emily i'm sorry you're so unhappy in your marriage - some people are just like this , we are a bit like it in my family , i can seem very cold i'm not but i don't like discussing my feeling until i want to or i need to - but i can understand it must be very frustrating for you - i hope things improve.

[violetskies]

My Partner has never once brought a card or present for the kids to give to me. Mine are older now 8 and 13, so they do it on their own. DD apparently said to him on Tuesday what should I get Mammy for Mothering Sunday and he said an .... Ironing Board.

Sorry, that seems to trivialise your post. I really think no matter how much he pisses you off, you need to wait until things are settled with your Brother before you tackle any changes with your Partner. No matter what we as Women think, it is sometimes better to handle one big thing at a time.

[EmilyBronte]

Went to bed early last night but thank you for all your support. I feel a lot calmer and more rational reading it! Have reflected on things this morning and know I'm really anxious about my brother. He rang me on Friday asking me to bring the kids in - he was very casual about it - but reading between the lines I realised that he was asking because he might literally not see them again, and then it hit home that he might not survive the next 6 weeks... So partly my annoyance with DH was to his reaction to me saying that we needed to take both kids in (he muttered about how stressful that would be). He claims that he meant stressful for my brother, but I interpreted it as stressful for DH. Unfair perhaps.

Anyway, the emotions stuff is so tough. I can't make him open up, but it is so draining sometimes as he is so low-key and unemotional about everything that I feel I have to be extra enthusiastic/motivating/excited/strong about things because I never get a reaction from him. Just need to vent my frustrations about this I guess!

You know what? We just never seem to have a laugh, just the two of us, or any fun as two adults. Everything is about making our children's lives as happy as possible. We barely laugh any more.

[TimeForMe]

I can understand where you are coming from but I do agree with Madamez post. My DH is not open with his emotions and nor is he forthcoming with all the lovey, dovey, stuff. I used to take it personally and whinge, nag and moan a bit but now, I don't. I don't try to 'fix' him, he is who he is. What I do do is concentrate on me, I fill the gaps myself and it works a treat. I gt what I want out of the relationship and he gets what he wants, which is the right to be who is is.
I don't need my partner to have a laugh and enjoy life, I don't wait for him I just get on with it but, in doing so, I have found that he is more relaxed, he does now open up more and, he will let his hair down now and again.

Try not to focus on your DP and what you percieveas his failings. Switch that focus onto yourself and create your own happy and fulfilled life. I can highly reccommend it!

[milou2]

As the others have said, try to focus on your brother and on yourself.

[EmilyBronte]

Am really going to try and do that - your post makes sense TimeForMe. Violet, cancer is a bitch, that's the best word I can imagine for it. Bitch, bastard, horrible evil thing. I wish DH was more emotional, I wish he would open up, I wish we could 'connect' like that. But he isn't, he won't, and perhaps that means that when and if he ever does, it will be much more special and mean a lot more.

[TimeForMe]

You have to leave the gaps for him to fill Emilybronte, give him the space to come towards you, don't try to fill the gaps for him. You just focus on yourself and your brother for now, lay off DH for a bit, quite a bit you will feel much happier within yourself for doing do and, I promise you, Dh will notice then, you will notice a change in him x

[skidoodle]

very good advice from TimeForMe

Just another weighing in on the unemotional husband issue. I find the way my DH deals with his family and friends mystifying but I've decided to (mostly ;)) just leave that up to him. He is who he is. His father died 2 years ago and he's never really spoken at all about his feelings on the matter. Occasionally I ask him small questions about it, but I never try to start a big conversation because I know he just wouldn't want that.

Your DH does seem to be right about you being under a lot of stress, and no wonder you poor thing. It may be that being extra calm and rational is his way of trying to make this difficult period easier for you.