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Relationships

I think he is leaving

31 replies

weepingfig · 02/03/2008 10:00

Ok I know what you are all going to say. So before I start let me say I have no-one to talk to about it and if I don't get it off my chest I may just find the nearest train track an wait for a passing train.

DH claims not to have been happy for years. He has hardly spoken to me for the last year and goes about with the longest face you have ever seen. He snaps at me and the dcs when he is actually here which isn't much as he has a very demanding job and is always deathly tired when he is at home.

I am overweight and he has been moaning about it for years. I desperately want to lose weight (for me actually before you pounce) but just can't stick to diets at all and have given up trying. Also he tells me I am thick and complains about the books I read an the fact that I don't know what is going on in the world ( I don't read the newspapers or payt much attention to the news.)I have a masters degree BTW.

He never talks to me, just communicates through text which he did this morning from the aiport to tell me that, although he is not having an affair, he wants to either get a divorce, live away from home during the week and come home at weekends or jump under a train as he is so unhappy. I have to choose.

He threatened to leave 6 months ago unless I lost weight.

I have been with him for 25 years and it has been like this for the last 3 or so. We had good times before that and I thought he was my soul mate. I just want things back the way they were.

I am now in pieces and have to try and keep things together as my dad, granny, uncle and very seriously ill mum are coming round for a mother's day lunch.

Kids also want to do the whole mother's day thing and I just want to curl up in a ball and weep.

No one and I mean NO NONE knows any thing about our marital problems I have never told anyone and all our families think we are blissfully happy.

I have no friends to talk to about this.

Thankyou for listening.

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collision · 02/03/2008 10:10

Tell him to jump!!!!

You both sound desperately unhappy. Would Relate help you at all?

You sound like you are in a bit of a rut and have let yourself go a bit.

Why dont you join WW and get some support on here?

If he is so awful to you, do you want to be with him? Would you be happier on your own?
What do you want?

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Toothache · 02/03/2008 10:17

Agree with Collision let him jump..... "lose weight or I'll divorce you?"!!! WTF?

My womens intuition is screaming at me here.... I think he is either having an affair, or has found someone who has caught his attention. Why else would he change like this. Take this from experience.

I also think that his demand for you to lose weight is his attempt at detracting from the real issue. He also maybe naively thinks that if you suddenly become a supermodel....the marriage problems will disappear!

In reality if that happened, I'd hope you'd bugger off with younger fitter model.

Marriage Counselling would be a good idea.... even just the get the truth out about why his feelings have changed so much.

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 10:17

Don't think he would go to relate.

Yes we are in a rut have been for a while. And yes I have let myself go more than a bit.

Have tried ww before but I am pathetic and can't stick to it. Also can't get to meetings as he is never back in time.

He is awful at the moment but he hasn't always been and I don't want to lose what we had before. It seems such a waste to give up on it.

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nkf · 02/03/2008 10:21

Well - and I apologise for stating the obvious - he's miserable and thinks it's your fault. To be honest, he also sounds a bit deranged as if everything has got on top of him.

Try to get through the day and try to persuade him to get some help. If I were you I'd stop being so reticent with people. You need real life support as well.

All the best.

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collision · 02/03/2008 10:21

What is your situation? Do you work? How old are your children?

There is no excuse not to do WW as you can do it on line and there are lunchtime classes too!

If you are sick of the way you look and feel then do something about it? How much overweight are you?

I joined WW 3 weeks ago and lost 4lbs in the first week. I then lost 1lb and then 2lbs so that is half a stone already....in 3 weeks!

Does your DH really think that if you lost weight then that would be the end of it and you could get back what you first had?

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MrsMattie · 02/03/2008 10:21

It sounds to me like your DH is desperately unhappy with his life and is blaming his unhappiness on you. It's not fair that he is putting all that pressure on you and making you feel that if you don't lose weight you are responsible for the end of your marriage (and for him feeling like jumping under a bridge!). It's an obvious thing to suggest, but have you thought about counselling? Things might be too far gone for that, but if you were both willing to try it might help...? To be brutally honest, in my experience, once someone starts putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself, it's time to move on - no matter how hard that might be. Nobody deserves to be cast as a thick, fat, useless person. You deserve much, much better.

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OverMyDeadBody · 02/03/2008 10:23

It does sound like you are both desperately unhappy and stuck in a relationship rut.

Perhaps you need to both rediscover and rekindle your love, or at least try to, maybe by taking a holiday together? I guess that may at least help you both see whether the relationship really is over or if it just the circumstances of it right now that is the problem?

It must be really hard for you if you have no one in RL to talk to about this, keep talking here though, even if just to get it all off your chest.

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missingtheaction · 02/03/2008 10:23

What did you think we were all going to say? what do you think about all this?

there are lots of threads from women saying 'i have told my dh i am unhappy and if things don't change i will leave'. Yours is the reverse - he has told you he is unhappy, he clearly is very unhappy, he has given you a dealbreaker (lose weight) and you haven't done it but seem to have hoped that it would all go away if you ignored it.

This is a serious cry for help from him. you need to come out of denial immediately and face up to the situation if you want any hope of reversing the situation.

let him stay away during the week and come home at weekends and GET SOME COUNSELLING NOW!

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SheikYerbouti · 02/03/2008 10:24

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC

But staying in this relationship will ruin you the way it is at the moment

You have to decide what you want. personally, if it were me, I'd make the break because it sound like he is making your life a misery - his heart is not in it

He shouldn't have made that ultimatum. Being overweight should not be a marriage deal breaker, and he is using it as an excuse.

IOs there anyone in your family you can confide in? Keeping it bottled up like this will eat away at you.

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Rubyrubyruby · 02/03/2008 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OverMyDeadBody · 02/03/2008 10:26

He is delusional though if he thinks that you loosing weight will sorve all your marriage problems and make him happy again. The truth is, if your marriage was fine then your wieght issue wouldn't be such a big deal to him would it?

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SheikYerbouti · 02/03/2008 10:27

Yes, take some control. Be strong whatever the outcome. Do something for you so that your life isn't just about your marriage.

He does sound like he needs some help

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MrsMattie · 02/03/2008 10:29

Agree with OverMyDeadBody. The weight thing isn't the real issue, is it?

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missingtheaction · 02/03/2008 10:39

surely the weight thing is symbolic - you 'desperately' want to lose weight and it makes you unhappy to be oveerweight. he desperately wants you to lose weight. But you have given up trying to lose weight. it's something you say you want to do that is important for both of you, but you haven't done it. what does that say about your commitment to your joint happiness

the fact that it's about weight makes it more emotional - but substitute - i don't know - collecting garden gnomes or playing elvis morning noon and night.

anyway, get processional help!

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 11:46

I work part time in a job I love. I am respected at work and it is my haven.
Dcs are 9 and 11.

I do nothing BUT support him. I ask him about his work totally look after him.
He is 42.

I get the commitment to the relationship and that I haven't done enough to lose weight but surely if he loved me it would not be the be all and end all.

DOn't think he loves me any more and I can't bear it. I have suggested that he gets help but he says he is not depressed just miserable. But surely talking of suicide is depression? It's not the first time he has said it either. Said the other day that he wishes every day that he wouldn't wke up in the morning.

There are no lunchtime classes round here for ww but I might try on line.

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 11:55

Just to add to this. Thankyou for your realistic advice. It's giving me lots of foos for thought.

THe last time I posted something in the relationship topic about DH the mners were out with their pitchforks and torches!

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purpleduck · 02/03/2008 12:12

fig - go to couselling, or something FOR YOURSELF!!!

Work out a plan to get yourself feeling strong.

If you are frightened of making the split, let him live away during the week, but try to have AT LEAST one night during the week where you get a sitter or whatever so that you can work on making yourself stronger. Go to ww, counselling, hypnotherapy, whatever, just use your time wisely.

Tell someone! Are you close to your parents?

Good luck

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 12:14

I am very close to my parents but my mother is seriously ill at the moment and my dad also looks after my elderly granny. I can't ask them for babysitting (although they used to alot before my mum was ill) and can't burden them with this as they have enought to worry about at the moment as it is.

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foxinsocks · 02/03/2008 12:15

he does sound very miserable, doesn't he. I would focus on yourself here - don't let yourself get absorbed in his misery (which is easier said than done). I think he's lashing out at you because he can't figure out why he is so miserable (maybe he is depressed) and you're the closest thing to him.

I'm not sure you need to give up on him yet but I think it is worth suggesting to him that HE is the one who needs help (even if you need to help him take the first step towards getting that help).

The fact that he is telling you about the suicide bids and asking you to CHOOSE how he lives his life is, to me, a MASSIVE cry for help. Massive.

(either that or he is being v devious!)

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 12:22

I have suggested he needs help- many, many times. But he says he is not depressed. Just miserable. There is NO WAY he would go for any kind of help.

Your right about him making me choose but I am at a loss as to what to do to help him.

I am so tired supporting him and giving him the love and attention and getting nothing in return.

I critisised him this morning for not supporting me through my mum's illness. He said he had offered to pay for her medical treatment. Didn't get that what I meant was EMOTIONAL support.

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foxinsocks · 02/03/2008 12:34

he's not capable of giving you emotional support though is he - he can't even support himself at the moment it sounds like.

Why won't he go for help? Has he got any friends he can talk to?

I think if he won't go for help, you need to think about not supporting him at home - or at least giving him an ultimatum like 'I'm sorry but I think you need to talk to someone because this isn't about ME, this is about you and you need to start helping yourself and I will support you through that if that is what you choose to do'.

It must be very hard for you trying to keep all of this together and having no support yourself.

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Earlybird · 02/03/2008 13:18

Sounds a dreadful situation.

How overweight are you?
How long have you been able to stick at dieting?
When you've lost weight in the past have you felt better about yourself, and has he noticed/been encouraging?
Do you get any significant/regular exercise?

I know how hard it is to stick to diets - especially if under emotional strain, as you are now.

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missingtheaction · 02/03/2008 13:31

sorry to have been a bit harsh on you, i completey agree that this is not a case of 'if you lose weight it will all be rosy' - it goes much deeper than that.

Denial is a key element of depression so he may well be clinically depressed (ie medically/irrationally/uncontrollably miserable) - or he may just be very miserable and unhappy because of his circumstances.

Either way your marriage has hit a crossroads. Right or wrong, YOU are going to have to be the one who takes control of how things move on from here - he is incapable of doing this. Call relate in the morning, phone in sick at work if necessary, if you are respected at work organise some counselling time in working hours, but take action.

You also must seriously consider his need to move out for a bit - do NOT fall weeping at his needs clinging to him sobbing 'but i love you so much you are killing me don't leave me I will die' or you may never see him again!!!- stand back and say 'we both have the right to be happy, and the dc have the right to have stable confident parents round them. These are the steps I am taking to change things, these are the steps I would like you to take...would you still like to move out for a little while to give us both some space?' or whatever.

it is horrid, and I do send you (((hugs))). be strong.

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weepingfig · 02/03/2008 15:34

I am 3 stone overweight. And Yes I have felt much better in the past when I have lost weight. I seem to be in a rut of losing about 10 lb or so then slip back into my old ways.

Suppose I haven't really taken his threats to leave seriously. We have been together since our teens and I just haven't thought he really meant it.

We are all supposed to be going away in a month with his sis (who I get on really well with) and her family to Florida in a month. Not sure if he will come and know the dcs will be devasteted as they know nothing about what is going on.

One of the main things that upsets me about the whole thing is the way he has given up on the dcs. Said (texted!) to me a few weeks ago that there was no point me making him feel guilty about not spending any time with them as they didn't need him any more !

One of the main reasons they might seem like this is because he doesn't show any interest in them and when he does pay them attention it is usually to shout at them for something.

DD1 is becoming more and more difficult(pre teen) and rather than deal with her constructively he just shouts, goes overboard with the punishments and then says "why are you letting her get away with this!"

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collision · 02/03/2008 15:47

Could you not see if a friend would have the children for the evening and book a restaurant and take DH out for a meal?

At least you could chat about what he really wants out of life.

If you are in a rut maybe you need to bring some romance back into it and make him see that you are the person he fell in love with.

Tell him you are motivated to lose weight and that you still love him but that you both need to make an effort if this relationship is to work.

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