I don't know what to do <sigh>...

[FeelingUseless]

DH and I just are not getting on atm. He works away a lot and I am stuck at home with the children constantly. When he is at home he is forever moaning/nagging/shouting at the children instead of enjoying the little time he actually spends with them.

I know his job is stressful and I appreciate what he does for us, but I don't feel appreciated one little bit. It seems he feels I have the easy life, staying at home, when in reality I gave up my career because of his working away so much and having small children.

It's wrong, I know, and worrying, that I actually look forward to him going off to work and dread the weekends.

It feels as though he is being quite controlling atm. For example he has announced he has changed the mortgage repayments and bank arrangements. He got annoyed that I didn't seem to want to discuss it with him, but I felt that as he already had done it, what was the point in discussing it. He likes things to be done his way, which I am constantly battling against as I don't often agree with the way he does things. He seems to have total freedom to do what he wants, when he wants and we have to conform. The household is a peaceful relaxed one when he is away, but tense when he isn't and I hate that. It's like living with a sergeant major at times.

I do love him, but I don't always like him.

I guess I feel like I do as he has let me down very badly over the years and doesn't seem to remember how he much he has and how much it has taken me to get just this far.

Sorry this is just me wittering. I don't really want to leave him, I just want things to get better for all of us.

[Leslaki]

God, i could have written the first 3 paragraphs of your post! Dh is actually home right now seeing his kids (I am at work) but instead of playing with them he is bloody moaning about the state of the house and how he has to clean up ( we have a cleaner and the house was bloody tidy this morning before I left)!! Why can't he jkust enjoy them???!!

Anyway no help to you! Sorry! just want you to know you are not alone! Hope things improve for you!
You take care xx

[sinsi]

You are certainly not alone- alot of your points are what I wanted to include in the 'when to call it a day' post I wrote about half an hour ago.

Sorry I cant help as Im searching for answers too, but just to say youre not the only one

[FeelingUseless]

My Dh is upstairs working...again. But he can't do it quietly, he has to say over and over again 'I have a ton of work to get done' What does he want me to say. I am sympathetic but I can't do much about his work overload can I. He goes on so much about how much work he has to do, it makes me feel bad. I'm now looking at trying to find some weekend night shifts (I'm a nurse) to lighten the load, but it will be difficult with him often flying out on a Sunday and no family nearby to help out if needed.

It all just makes me feel totally useless and worthless.

[sinsi]

Im in the exact same boat- both of my parents have passed away, DH's family are abroad. DH kindly told me today he has ambitions and that because he is tied to his family, he cant fulfill them.
Im only 23 and Im sure I have a damn sight more ambition at this age than he does, but I feel so reliant upon him.

Its certainly not the feeling I had when I first met him.

Sorry Im not of much use to you but sending you big hugs anyway (((( ))))

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

I think it's difficult when they are away a lot. DH is in the Navy, and it's always a huge adjustment for me and the kids when he comes back, takes a good while (and at least 1 major blow-out arguement!) before things settle down! I can only imagine what it is like to do the change every weekend. He won't be used to the kids/ noise/ fighting/ mess the way you are, he's probably tired/ stressed etc. Not an excuse, by the way, but worth trying to look at it from his POV. I control the household when DH is away, and tend to continue doing it when he comes back, which can lead to tensions. Sometimes DH does things without consulting me, which leads to rows, but I do think he thinks he is doing me a favour at the time. Maybe your DH is the same? Could you divvy up who's responsible for what, and what things need to be discussed?

If I was you, I'd have a blow-out. not saying that is the right thing to do, but it does clear the air. IME when we try to talk "rationally" he doesn't say what he really thinks, but in the heat of an arguement, its amazing what comes out! And sometimes it IS helpful (depends on your relationship, though, I guess)

[scaryteacher]

He wants his ego stroked and to feel wanted. He could also be finding it difficult to cope at work and wants to initiate a discussion on this?

I find making a mug of tea for DH, and making appreciative noises works a treat. I found weekending stressful too, and I don't think there is any hard and fast rule to get through it. I always knew it would end as DH is in the Navy, and the weekending would always be for 18months-2 years, with the chance of a job in the home port area at the end of it. The maximum time we have done it for was 4 years, and that got tough towards the end. Chin up and keep smiling...you are hopefully both working towards the same thing, but in different ways.

[FeelingUseless]

I do understand that he is tired and stressed - totally, but it is just me who thinks about him, never the other way around. I do a lot for him, he never does anything for me.

It's a multiple of things really. For example at the moment DS1 is choosing his options. DH doesn't agree with the options DS wants to choose, but I do. DS is very bright and will pass his core subjects with flying colours, but he doesn't want to work in the same field as DH. They are not the same people. He is upsetting DS as DS feels he is just not listening to him, something I feel constantly. I do talk to DH about things, but nothing changes. If he doesn't agree with the way I do things, then it isn't right and it's final. He does it with everything from what to feed the children to where things should be in the house to mortgage details and bank accounts, the list is endless. I don't just take it, but I have over the months just started to say nothing about things because he doesn't listen to my point of view anyway.

According to him our children are very badly behaved. Everyone who meets them think they are absolutely wonderful, but because they don't always do exactly as they are told (the youngest are 2 and 4) they are badly behaved. In reality, they are very good for me during the week and play up more when he is home, probably because of the way he deals with them. But will he do it my way, will he heck!!

[FeelingUseless]

scaryteacher, I am always making him coffee when he works at home, I make him lovely lunches, I make sure he is ok and ask him about his day. I try very hard not to interfere when he is dealing with the children so as not to undermine him, even if I feel there is a better way.

[FeelingUseless]

Oh bloody hell, I just want to live happily! I'll go and make him a cuppa.

[Elasticwoman]

I really sympathise with you and your ds. Options should be optional - there are enough restrictions on students' choices without a parent who is absent most of the time interfering. I don't know how you should deal with it, but do understand your problem. With the change of mortgage arrangements issue - sounds like he is spoiling for a fight and was hoping you would shout at him for going ahead and changing things without consulting you.

[missingtheaction]

i think he sounds ghastly - controlling, inconsiderate, a bully. You have a right to have an equal say in everything that affects you and your marriage and he is denying you this - is this the man you married? or want to be married to? You can choose to put up with him and do it all his way, and become more and more miserable until the marriage breaks down in a maelstrom of unplesantness. Or you can start fighting back for your space right now, in which case the relationship just might have a chance.

Before you initiate anything like a row or Relate, think of some specific things you would like to change in the short term - him to sit down round the table and listen to your and DS veiws on DS options and take them seriously; him to spend a single day not moaning at the kids but only praising them, something like that. Sit him down, tell him you are very unhappy with the way things are, tell him the thing you want him to do, and see if he does it. If he won't consider it then have a row/throw some china/book a session at Relate (alone is good to start with).

and drink that tea yourself - I think you've done the 'be nice and maybe he will be grateful' strategy to death.

This is advice from someone who took the easy capitulation route, and it didn't work out well for any of us.

[FeelingUseless]

missingtheaction, I think that is part of the problem. I used to be Miss Do everything to please him until he had an affair when I was pregnant with our youngest child. Now I don't do what he wants, how he wants it and I am different. He thinks that the affir should now be forgotten and we should be able to just get as normal. Ie he should be able to do/go wherever he likes and we have to lump it. He did try to make it up to me in the early days, but now seems to think he has done his bit. feel like I am constantly fighting against him, but when I do try to sort it out and discuss solutions he doesn't listen. DS should be able to choose the options he wants, but DH is still telling him he 'needs a balance' He is very good at saying what he wants to but in a way in which you can't say he told you to do it or how to do it.

He isn't that horrendous, not at all, but the bad points seem to be appearing more and more atm and it is really getting me down. We just seem to be very different atm. He now wants us to go to his mums this evening (2 hours away) so he can cook lunch for her tomorrow. No thought to want I would like or no inclusion of my mum. I'm very tempted to tell him to go on his own and leave the children here with me.

I guess in a word he is just very disapproving of everything atm and that makes me go sod it, I don't care!!!

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

Oh, that sheds a different light on things I guess! He needs a wake-up call! Why are you only tempted to let him go to his mum's on his own?? I'd be waving him off!! Maybe if you stand your ground and show him that you mean business, he might be a bit more respectful towards you (not blaming you, btw!)It sounds like he expects to get his own way all the time and needs to be re-trained!

[missingtheaction]

Good god, is this 2008 or 1888? He thinks that what he wants takes precedence over what the other family members want. Frankly, he doesn't see you (or ds) as having any rights. This isn't about the affair, other than that he thinks he has the right to have an affair and the right to be forgiven by you and not to have to take your feelings into account.

Well, you do have rights. Not least the right to leave him if he persists in making you unhappy and bullying you and treating you (and ds) like posessions rather than partners.

'Doesn't listen' means 'hears what I say I want and need but ignores it'. Presumably he's not deaf or stupid - he just doesn't think what you want is important. How can you live with a man who thinks so little of you?

Sorry to be so harsh, i know the practicalities of the situaiton are hideious, but ask yourself - if it wasn't for the dcs, would you still be with him or would you be telling him to leave?

[Elasticwoman]

Feelinguseless - I'm worried about the name you've given yourself. Sounds like you feel you deserve the kind of treatment you're getting. Have you really been more assertive, as you say, since the infidelity? Sounds like you are allowing him to call the shots, eg over how to spend tomorrow.

I do not think, as others are suggesting, that you should throw in the towel now with this relationship. Clearly you have been married to him for a long time and have a lot to lose. Even if you leave him (or kick him out) he will still be the father of your children and you will have to put up with him from a distance.

I have thought of something though. Can you arrange to have a short break away from home with him, without the children? It might give you a chance to discuss things on a more equal footing, find out why he feels the need to be so controlling and let him know how this is even more destructive to your marriage than the affair.