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"But we took you to stately homes" part 3

(1001 Posts)
oneplusone Sat 01-Mar-08 14:10:21

Sorry for starting part 3 if it has already been started but i logged on just now and found the previous thread has reached 1000 posts. And my title is not very inspiring, Ally90, please help!

matildax Mon 03-Mar-08 10:47:14

tomanystuffedbears:... hello, your sister sounds like one of mine!! i think you have done yourself proud with that email.smile
i myself havent really found any courage yet, except we did not even go round to drop the present off, i have not heard a word from her, i must say however i feel quite nasty. even though nasty is something her and one of my sisters have mastered the art of, where i am concerned!!

podmog: i am new also, and i understand your post totally, i feel like i am betraying a dark family secret, by posting on here, and if i get found out, i will get punished severely (i am 41 for christs sake!!),
but the childhood feelings never quite leave you do they?
i still havent told my "story" i think it will take a lot of rambling and snippets before i feel able to do so, but just being here is a massive step, and if you read through the last post, i think you will find others that have pretty much exactly the same feelings and "problems" as you. you are in safe hands smile
hope everyone else is ok, have a good week x

matildax Mon 03-Mar-08 10:48:55

podmog, i mean the last thread not post, i dont know how to put a link to it, but i am sure the others do. have a good day xx

kaz33 Mon 03-Mar-08 12:43:26

This is the last very long thread...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/440839?ts=1204548155869

Mikafan Mon 03-Mar-08 13:18:49

Smithfield,
Just wanted to add my belated best wishes to you on the birth of your DD

This is my first year in not being a hypocrite and buying my mum a "You are a great mum" type card with the accompanying gift that she'd look down her nose at then point at the present that DB or DS had bought her and it feels good

Hope everyone else is ok.

Podmog Mon 03-Mar-08 19:59:06

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LittleBella Mon 03-Mar-08 20:53:35

I've just googled NPD and though neither of my parents fit into it, it ticks every single box of my best friend, whom I've known for 20 years and who is about 15 years older than me.

Hmmm....

oneplusone Tue 04-Mar-08 13:28:54

Hi, Podmog, I have just quickly skimmed through the posts and saw your comment. I have I suppose 'kind of' remembered some deeply suppressed extremely painful memories and feelings. But i also am frightened of how bad it will be once i really allow myself to fully remember and experience the feelings associated with some very traumatic incidents from my childhood. I have allowed some memories to surface and I can't deny that the experience was very painful and involved lots and lots of sobbing on my part sad. BUT in actual fact allowing yourself to experience those feelings is very healing and ultimately allows you to release yourself from your past so it is a good (but painful) thing to go through.

I have (hopefully) found myself a new counsellor who will i hope help and support me whilst i experience some of the worst memories from my childhood. Are you seeing a counsellor?

I would also recommend reading Alice Miller, she's written lots of books all of which are excellent. Her website is also very good alice-miller.com

Well done for posting on this thread, posting on here and reading other people's experiences and comments has helped me enourmously and I'm sure you will find huge support here.

Have to go now, back soon. x

Podmog Tue 04-Mar-08 19:43:39

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kaz33 Tue 04-Mar-08 21:46:17

Podmog - the supression is worse, because even if you think you have broken the cycle you are still affected by what happeneded all those years ago.

Well done for taking the first step, it is a very brave thing to have done. It will be difficult, it will be painful but it will be life transforming for you and your kids.

Big hugs smile

bearsmom Wed 05-Mar-08 10:17:55

Hi Podmog, I'd agree with what oneplusone and kaz say about it being painful to allow the memories to surface but that doing this is very healing and allows you to move on.

In the past year I've had some very painful memories resurface (have not seen or spoken to my mother in 18 months, and my father not for over two years). I'd sort of always known the memories were there, but spent the past 25 years or so trying to deny/ignore them. The recollection was traumatic but I felt so much better afterwards, not least because I could accept the memories as true and reject the part of my brain that had been programmed by my parents to deny that anything was wrong in my childhood (won't repeat my history here as the message would be long! but I posted intermittently quite a lot on the first and second threads and I'm sure their existence saved my sanity). I know there is still lots to remember but I found that I got to a stage where I needed to stop for a while and I think my subconscious is protecting me again (no idea if this makes any sense, hope it does!). It's part of the reason I haven't posted for a while as well. It's like I can deal with a few of the memories and then I have to step back for a while. Then take a deep breath and deal with the next bit. I know when I'm ready to start dealing with the next lot of memories because things start coming back to me again, which is the stage I'm at at the moment. I saw a therapist but she wasn't for me so I'm just getting up the strength to find another one. I think it's been said before on these threads, but if you don't feel comfortable with the therapist, don't be afraid to tell them you don't think you can work together and then try out someone else. Hope it goes well for you. It's a brave step to face these things but 100% worth it.smile

Podmog Wed 05-Mar-08 20:45:28

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Podmog Thu 06-Mar-08 10:41:08

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hanaflower Thu 06-Mar-08 10:52:59

Hey Podmog, we all started somewhere - if you feel this thread can help you, please post. If you want to ponder some more on your own first, that's OK too.
The lightbulb moment when you start realising that your / one's childhood isn't what other people would call a normal one brings a huge rush of emotions. Did in my case anyway.
Take care of yourself.

ally90 Thu 06-Mar-08 12:29:02

We are all at different stages Podmog, post away. Its always good to read other peoples stories, and your story could help other people who are at the same stage as you...its all valuable knowledge.

oneplusone Thu 06-Mar-08 13:45:00

Podmog, as ally says we are all at different stages and it is most definately 2 steps forward and 1 step back. If i had posted something yesterday i would have sounded fairly together but today i am a mess, have been crying all morning and feel very emotional. So please do not ever feel you are dragging any of us back, we are all here to help and support each other, whatever stage we're at and that is what has made this thread so invaluable to all of us.

The only difference for me now is that i do have some idea of what i'm feeling and why whereas even 3 0r 4 months ago i wouldn't have had a clue.

I have realised that a lot of the anger and rage i sometimes feel towards DD, is not anything to do with her, but to do with emotions that have surfaced from my childhood in relation to when my 2 sisters were born. I realise i must have felt a lot of anger and rage at them for taking my mum away from me and for her giving me less attention and love (although i also know now she didn't even love me in the first place) and the anger i now feel towards DD is the anger from my childhood. The only reason i know this is because i have read so many books on this subject and they have enabled me to realise that having your own DC's sometimes takes you back to your own childhood and you experience emotions in relation to your DC's that you first originally felt towards younger siblings but suppressed at the time.

It has taken me what feels like forever to work this out but I know it's the truth as DD never has and never will do anything to deserve the sheer amount of rage and fury and i am ashamed to say hatred i have felt towards her on occasion. I am sure that these feelings are long suppressed emotions from my childhood in connection to my 2 younger sisters who i must have felt, as a child, 'stole' my mother from me and also who she seemed to love and want far more than she ever loved or wanted me. I am sure that my natural reaction to my 2 sisters when i was a child would have been anger that they were there, and hatred towards them for 'spoiling' my family which would, before my sisters were born, have been just me and my mum and dad meaning that i got all the attention and 'love' that every child needs and craves from it's parents. I was nearly 5 when my middle sister was born and 7.5 when my youngest sister was born so i had nearly 5 years of being an 'only' child. It must have been a huge shock to my system when not only was my middle sister was born but my mum was 'besotted' with her and bonded with her in a way she never had with me. Their relationship is close to this day whereas my mum and i were always distant and i never felt any closeness or bond with her although this is what i know i have longed for all my life.

A few months ago i thought that the rage i felt towards DD was suppressed childhood rage at my mum but i don't think that was right as i don't think i ever felt real rage as a child towards my mum, only confusion, pain, longing for her love and anguish but not rage. But i am sure i felt rage towards my 2 sisters and i am sure that i suppressed that rage and it is coming out now triggered by DD. I never seem to feel that way towards DS and i don't know if that is because i don't have any brothers.

After feeling very angry i have found that other emotions start to surface, usually sadness, pain, anguish and grief. And that is how i am feeling today, very low, but i have been through this a few times now and i know it's a good thing to get the feelings out. It's just very difficult to do when you're alone at home with nobody for company but the DC's and i try not to cry in front of them as of course it upsets them. Ideally i need a live-in counsellor!

Am sorry for my extremely long ramble, but i have posted all this as i feel it might somehow help some of you who i know have also experienced rage towards your DC's where you know it's all 'you' and not them.

oneplusone Thu 06-Mar-08 13:57:11

bearsmom, everything you say makes sense to me and is pretty much what i've been going through. i hope you find a good therapist. I have spoken to 3 and i am going to 'try' them out next week and hopefully one of them will be right.

i have also found my eczema flares up when my anger comes to the surface and the eczema has almost become a sign to me that 'something's' happening in my head/emotionally as my body seems to know before my head does that there are some suppressed emotions that are about to come to the surface. Weird but true. smile

Podmog Thu 06-Mar-08 14:08:46

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Podmog Thu 06-Mar-08 14:10:25

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NAB3wishesfor2008 Thu 06-Mar-08 14:11:14

I am really fed up today. I keep hearing noises in the house. Have so much going on and I hate my mother.

Podmog Thu 06-Mar-08 14:18:28

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totalmisfit Thu 06-Mar-08 14:20:17

oneplusone - poor you. i have also felt the rage you describe. for me it comes from no-where, perhaps just the small everyday irritations of living with a 2 yr old. but it's completely out of proportion to the reality of her 'naughty' behaviour, and sometimes she hasn't even really done anything at all. it's a scary thing to feel actually. you say you've read some good books on the subject - do you mind me asking which ones? I really feel this is something I need to investigate as I'm not entirely sure who i'm angry at. Could be my younger brother, could be my parents. not sure.

Sakura Thu 06-Mar-08 14:28:53

Attila, I read the post you wrote about the way your mother treats you and then the way in which she treats your brother. If it helps, its quite clear that this different treatment is not because she loves him more than she loves you but because for whatever reason, he is easier to control. Cleaning up after someone all the time is not helping- its enabling. She's enabling him to live like a slob so that he continues to "need" her and so that she continues to have an important role and she can feel gratified that she is needed by someone. Its a little dance and has absolutely nothing to do with love.
"The COntinuum concept" and "Letting Go as Children Grow" (based on the COntinuum concept) talk about this. THat a child's room will continue to remain messy as long as the parent does not empower the child. For example as a child my room was always in a state- a real mess, and yet since I've cut off my mother, I now have a routine and am as tidy as you can be with a 1 year old. Its because I am in control of my space, my kitchen and my life. My mother would sporadically enter my room and do a spring clean while I was out (rifling through my stuff while she was at it). I would feel violated after one of her 'spring cleans'. But never once did she show me how to use the washing machine. In fact if I took it upon myself to tidy something, she'd shout "LEave THAT! I'll do THAT" as if I was steppping on her toes or something hmm.
On the first thread, Greensleeves called this "camping out in my own life" i.e not organising your space and cupboards in a way that makes sense to you. This could well be how your brother feels about all of this.

bearsmom Thu 06-Mar-08 14:37:32

Hi Podmog, please post whenever you feel like it. And don't worry if you don't feel like posting for a while. People on these threads often take a break when things get too much, but someone is always here for support which I know for me has been a godsend. We're all at different stages, but I don't think any of us would ever forget how it felt to start out on this journey. My realisation that my childhood wasn't normal was an incredible shock too, as my parents managed to convince us all that we were the perfect family and that what went on was absolutely normal. I still cannot relate to a normal father/daughter relationship, for example, which is one of the things I have yet to resolve. I can't really see an end to this "journey" of sorting out my past and stopping it from ruining my present and future but at least I'm moving in the right direction, rather than stuck in my awful family. Sorry, not very articulate but ds wants me to play with his farm and is getting v. annoyed with me so I must go! Take care of yourself.

NAB, sorry you're having a rotten day today. Hope it gets better.

ally90 Thu 06-Mar-08 21:06:27

Oneplusone - I get eczema too when stressed, broke out a while ago, not sure why but I did wonder if something was going on subconciously.

TMSB - Was it this week you were going to be induced? You've been quiet for a few days...!! Thinking of you xx p.s. your post about your ms made me laugh again...good for you sending that email!

Sakura- I do believe we have the same mother...she too did the springclean/rifling through my belongings...not letting me help wiht housework 'let me do IT!'...then she wondered why I refused to help with housework when I was older hmm I too was not taught anything which was strange with her obcession of housework, but it could have been a way of making sure me and my sister would always need her, same as my dad not telling us how to do DIY stuff, they were always 'too' happy to help with these things. I do the FlyLady thing now on the housekeeping thread seeing as I was never taught by my mother how to keep a house clean/how to clean hmm. The FlyLady website is very good too...its very into overriding the negative parent voice in your head that says that your house will never be good enough/clean enough.

Totalmisfit and oneplusone - I feel rage at other peoples children. I think I put the mother into my mothers place and the dc into my sisters place and the relationship replays. I feel like raising a hand to the child, luckily I have always raised my voice instead and got angry at the child. But the rage I feel!! I literally get the blood rush to my head...I guess that is suppressed anger from the blatently unfair way my mother treated my sister and I. My sister could get away with anything yet when I did something my mother and father came down hard on me because I wasn't sensitive like my sister...and the fact that I was easy to quash...my sister when she wanted to could tell them what to do...maybe I should do a session with the therapist on this one!

Hi Hanaflower, not said hello yet!

Nab, what was wrong in the house today?

Sakura Thu 06-Mar-08 22:39:51

I'll have to give that Flylady a look, esp on tips about overriding the negative parent voice. Thanks ally

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