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Relationships

Dh and I are separating - not with a view to divorce, NOR reconciliation - yet. Am confused. Is dating acceptable?

15 replies

ALittleBitOfWhatYouLike · 29/02/2008 17:53

Dh and I are separating (he is going to move out for six months) following a fairly protracted stressful period, plus some longstanding 'stuff' coming to a head.

He doesn't want to divorce - the thought of this being absolutely 'it' scares him and he maintains that his ideal is for us to be together again, and happy. However, he doesn't want to work on what went wrong now. He wants six months' space, and then to look at whether or not we'd want to try again, anew I suppose. I can live with this in a way - a breather could be helpful - BUT ...

He isn't prepared to commit to not seeing other people during these six months - 'it isn't realistic'. But I feel that doing so would simply create more emotional hurdles to get over, should we try to reconcile. Is it even reasonable of me to expect him not to see other people, if we are indeed separated?

I'm confused. It feels as though this isn't a separation with a view to divorce, nor a separation with a view to reconciling. I'm feeling disorientated, and don't know quite where to 'place' myself, mentally and emotionally.

Help? Rules during separation, if any - especially in relation to sex with others?

OP posts:
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peanutbear · 29/02/2008 18:03

Has he found someone else to sleep with then because it seems a strange thing to say

he wants to get back together after a breather after having other relationships it sounds very strange

I wouldnt want him to to be honest

in his agreement are you allowed to date

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Cappuccino · 29/02/2008 18:05

he sounds selfish imo

I have no experience of separation at all, but I think if he has any feelings at all for you he should think a bit about what you want as well as what he wants

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scaryteacher · 29/02/2008 18:12

Men use attack as the best form of defence...it could be that he's scared shitless and this is an attempt to stop this happening and to try to manoeuvre you into not separating.

If it's sauce for the goose etc, then he can't expect you to sit at home and twiddle your thumbs either.

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OverMyDeadBody · 29/02/2008 18:18

So... He wants the best of both worlds? Either he's taking the easy way out, and being a wus about it too, or he feels it will help him make a final decision.

If dating is allowed during this 6 months seperation, then that's dating for the both of you, though, if he's allowed to play, so should you.

Having said that, sometimes it takes dating other people to realise that what you really want is the person you are seperated from, so maybe, in the grand scheme of things, it will help him decide what he wants? And of course, if you date other people, it will help you decide too.

As long as you both agree to whatever stipulations go with the seperation, and are open and honest with each other, it could be ok.

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soapbox · 29/02/2008 18:20

Just drop into the conversation how you are gagging for a decent shag and can't wait for the separation 'rules' to kick in! I suspect he'll rather quickly change his view. If he doesn't then I would suspect he is intending the separation to be permanent.

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allgonebellyup · 29/02/2008 18:22

Erm we did this, a year ago.

Turns out my dh got someone pregnant in 2months, they are now having a baby and living together. He is miserable, he says, but ce la vie.

Please be sure you want to split!

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allgonebellyup · 29/02/2008 18:27

Overmydeadbody - you are so right.. i didnt think i was in love with my ex any more, so i asked him to leave.
it wasnt until he met someone else that i freaked out and wanted him back, but it was too late, and i will spend the rest of my life regretting it

Hope the same doesnt happen for OP.

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davidtennantsmistress · 29/02/2008 18:30

this sounds to me like it's him wanting to play the field, see what's about out there and if nothing comes along then he might think about coming back.

(sorry if that sounds harsh)

might also be a case of he thinks you'll be doing it so he's getting in there first to say/do it?

the thing is thou, 6 monhts is a long time to be apart form someone (my x walked out 6 months ago) we're now settled and I wouldn't have him back - however if you'd asked last month I would have.

H & I have some vauge rules but nothing set in stone - we're both free to see other people. which is our choice if we do get back together we do - but I seriously doubt it.

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BoysOnToast · 29/02/2008 18:38

id be highly sceptical of this one.
he wants to spilt for 6m and shag about? and youre supposed to wait about, sit on your hands and welcomer him back if and when he decides hes had enough space and sex?

er, i dont think id accept that setup in a million years.

and if you were 'allowed' to date others, would you? would you want to? coz if the answers no, then DONT agree that he can, coz it will just hurt you when he does. and if the answers yes... well, maybe this temporary split needs to be seen by both of you for what it is; ie the end of your marriage. if youre cleaner and more hoenst about it now, you stand a better chance of remaining friends for the sake of the children imo.

but hey, i might be reading it wrong. only yuo know all the background.

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stirlingmum · 29/02/2008 18:47

Another sceptical mner but it sounds like he already has someone to go to.
Is this a possibility?

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nooka · 29/02/2008 19:09

My dh and I had a fairly similar discussion two years ago, and he has just moved back in again. He also wanted space, and also weirdly thought it would be a good idea for us (in fact me) to date. I think this was because he was feeling terribly guilty about the affair he had a year or so before we seperated. However in practice we got on much better when we weren't living together, and our relationship quickly changed from living together but pretty much ignoring each other to a more normal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship (plus sharing parenting). I'm not saying it wasn't painful at times, but sometimes it's good to only spend time together when you both want to.

Neither of us found any inclination to see anyone else when we were seperated, but we didn't set any rules (except around the children).

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skidoodle · 01/03/2008 14:33

He's hedging his bets - he doesn't want to sort the problems now, he wants to have the option of sorting them in six months when he's had a chance to see what it's like being single for a bit.

If that is what you want then fine. If that's not what you want then you consider it in whatever light you need to.

He is planning to see other people while you are separated. If you are OK with that, then let him do it and see how you feel at the end of the six months. If you're not OK with that and it's a dealbreaker for you, then you just tell him that you won't be waiting around that you don't see the idea of waiting six months to deal with problems to be realistic and that if things go ahead as he plans you will see that as being the start of moving towards a divorce.

Basically, it's your move. His move is: "I want to break up with you and have the option of coming back in six months if it turns out being single isn't as fun as it seems right now"

What will your move be? You absolutely don't have to accept his terms. But you may find they suit you too.

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ALittleBitOfWhatYouLike · 02/03/2008 22:03

Thanks for posts.

nooka - so did you and your dh go for two years without any intimacy with anyone else? I know I could do this; wouldn't enjoy it, but could. Dh says six months is unrealistic for him. Similarish scenario, with dh not having an affair but couple of one-night-stands preceeding this break, although there is no one else in dating/relationship terms.

In answer to several posters' questions, yes, of course I can see other people too. Not sure I want to just yet, and dh doesn't want to date either, but wants freedom to have casual sex if the opportunity arises. The playing-the-field remark isn't far off, tbh: I was only the second person dh slept with, and he seems to think he's missed out on a chapter of his life. Which is sort of understandable?

davidtennantsmistress - helpful insight, based on your own circumstances. I suppose dh sees things similarly: he wants The End for the relationship as it was, and would want us to actually choose each other again, afresh, down the line - which again sort of makes sense ... [confused emoticon]

allgonebellyup - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation

OverMyDeadBody - appreciate your perspective.

Cappuccino - yes, dh can do selfish. However, I have insisted - and dh agrees - that no 'flings' shall meet either ds, family or close friends, for as long as reconciliation is a possibility.

skidoodle - hedging bets is probably about right. I know I could say f*ck off, no way am I going this route. I suppose, though, that if I were to refuse this plan, I might feel as though I'd written off the chance for reconciliation - and I believe that if you have kids, you try everything before throwing the towel in. Hmm.

Thank you everyone - helpful posts.

OP posts:
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dittany · 02/03/2008 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skidoodle · 03/03/2008 10:37

ALittleBit

Yes, you try everything, absolutely. Just remember you don't need to cede all the power to him in this. You get to make a decision too. So if you decide to go along with his terms, remember it was a choice you made rather than feeling that is was forced on you.

Making that choice because, even though you will find it painful, you think it leaves the greatest chance of keeping your family together in the long term is totally reasonable.

I guess the main thing I got from your OP was that you are confused about what's happening and feel like the decision has been taken away from you. It hasn't. Your DH has certainly limited your choices with what he wants, but you still get to have the final say on whether or not he's asking is acceptable.

I don't think there are general rules for separation with an option of getting back together. To me what he's asking for sounds like something you'd mostly hear from a college boyfriend or girlfriend who's ready to move on from someone they care a lot about. And if that were the situation I'd be telling you to just let him go and assume he wasn't coming back. It's so simple when you're young and there are no kids.

You know him. You know how likely he is to be able to move away, have his fun and then come back. And you know how likely you are to be able to take him back without resenting him for going in the first place.

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