I don't know if AIBU is a better place to put this, but I think I have realised this morning that my DH, who I thought loved and trusted me to the ends of the earth and back, actually doesn't. (V. long, sorry)

[theuntrustedone]

I have name changed, but promise I am a regular.

We've been married for just under 10 years, got three DD's, and we are planning a forth DC sometime in the next year or so, that we were really excited about.

I made a coffee for the local bobby, who was ushering traffic through a diversion out the front. As I walked past on the way back from school he started talking to me, and joked about me making him a coffee, and he'd owe me flowers to say thank you, so I did, no big deal? Is it? Jokey text went along the lines of:

Just to let you know I am making coffee for a very nice police man, he says he has a bunch of flowers waiting with my name on them, so I thought we might run away into the sunset!

DH sent back a couple of text's which I didn't reply to because I was sorting DD3 out, so then he sent a message saying "fine, introduce the girls to their new dad, coz I'm not coming home tonight" My first thought was that he was having me on, playing the same game I started, then whilst I was trying to think of a witty reply, I started wondering if he was actually being serious. DH has never said anything like that either jokingly or seriously, and I just got the feeling that he did mean it. When I say mean it, I don't think he really meant for me to do it, or that he wasn't coming home, I mean it certainly seemed like he wasn't finding my joke funny.

So I sent back: Haha, OK game over, gone far enough, you coming home for lunch today?

He rang then and had a huge big go at me, for "eyeing up another bloke" (because I had written 'a nice policeman' apparently this means I want to fuck him? ) and a load of other shit. This isn't at all like DH, I shouted back at him and put the phone down, I wish I hadn't now but I was just so un-prepared for it, I didn't know what else to do.

Anyway he texted/rang a few times, we argued more, but now I feel like he doesn't trust me at all. I have never given him any reason to doubt me. I have been 101% faithful since we first got together nearly 15 years ago. I told him I don't think a forth baby is such a good idea after all.

He says it has never been a question of his trust for me, but he initially tried to turn the joke on me, and it back fired, and now he can see how upset I am over it, he realises this was the wrong thing to do. He want's us to calm down, forget, move on, but I don't think I can.

On one hand I feel very hurt that he doesn't trust me, then I think if he did mean it as a joke and it got out of hand then this is all over nothing. This is all over him supposedly not trusting me, but now I'm not trusting him in taking his "I was joking" at face value.

Am I blowing it up out of all proportion? You'd have thought I'd have been better at reading him by now, but I think because it was over text messages (so lack of facial expressions, tones of voice etc.) and because it is such an odd thing for DH to do, it has thrown me.

Don't really know what replies I am expecting, if any, just needed to get it off my chest.

[SuperGrrrl]

yes, out of proportion imo.

He could be having a crap day, stressed, feeling a bit unconfident etc etc, so he over reacted, you over reacted, he realised and apologised.

nothing to decide no more kids over- unless you don't love him or think he's not a good dad.

chill out and have a cuddle when he gets home

[fluffyanimal]

Sorry you're feeling really upset. It sounds like this is just a joke that got out of hand. If this is uncharacteristic for your relationship, I'd try to accept that you both got stewed up over very little and did/said things you didn't mean that upset the other, make up and move on. Your DH does sound sorry that you are upset.

[theuntrustedone]

I love him and the girls more than anything in the world, and he is a brilliant dad.

I think you are right, as I was reading it back to myself I kind of realised it is me in the wrong after all.

Think I'll be getting the wine in tonight.

Thanks SuperGrrrl

[scorpio1]

i know i act like your DH when im feeling a little insecure.

I'm sure you will both be fine; hope you feel better.

[Baffy]

Tbh I wouldn't find a joke like that funny either. So he probably did blow it out of proportion, but like you say, due to texting, lack of expressions, the delays while you sorted out the children etc... it just sounds like it got a bit out of control.

Obviously I don't know your dh so I don't know his sense of humour. But your joke of running off with a police man, and his joke of not coming home, don't really seem like 'jokes' to me.

(But maybe I'm a miserable old cow! )

I think it's got out of proportion and you should both apologise and be greatful that you have each other, and a wonderful family.

[theuntrustedone]

He is sorry I am upset.

I just don't understand how such a jokey light hearted text can cause all of this.

We really aren't the type to argue or blow up over nothing, this is the first time I have ever questioned our relationship.

Was my intial text below the belt?

[hecate]

crikey. erm. Well, it sounds like he got a bit insecure. I don't buy the idea that he was turning the joke back on you because of his phone call to you for "eyeing up another bloke" and you say he said a lot of other things to you. He wouldn't phone you up and yell at you for a joke. Sounds like your joke about another man maybe hit him a bit and now he's calmed down and realises he was a bit ott and wants to forget it. Sometimes, it is ok to just let stuff go. You don't need to analyse everything in a relationship. You made a joke that upset him. My advice? say sorry and forget about it.

[theuntrustedone]

The joke of me running off with fireman/millianaire/some gorgeous shleb is a long running one, that is normally him telling me to run off with of them, in a jokey way.

Him not coming home has never been said seriously or jokingly.

I feel like a silly girl in the playground who has fallen out with her mates.

[padboz]

I had a 'row' with a friend for best part of an hour on night via msn - I thought it was all hilarious until I realised he was upset. Sounds like he got himself into a tiz while you weren't replying and dealing with the kids and it spirraled out of control? was the 'other shit' what he really wanted to say?

[lollipopmother]

Oh, well I don't think it was completely your fault, he did ring you up and have a go at you after all, which he didn't need to do if it was 'only a joke'. But to be fair it's only a silly bust up and no tears should be shed over it.

[theuntrustedone]

I have apologised for sending the text, sorry was the first thing I said when I realised he was angry with me.

As I say me running off into the sunset is a very long running joke, started a few years back when he had a dream of me running off with Norris from Coronation Street!

[theuntrustedone]

Lolli, it might well seem like a silly bust up to you, but it actually isn't sitting here, else I'd never have made a thread about it.

It is just so unlike him/me/us.

Anyway, thanks everyone, I'll do like I said, get the wine in, and just let it go. Now how do I learn how to do that?

[Kindersurpise]

It sounds like a joke that was taken the wrong way and became more important than it should have been.

If is has been a long running joke then I think he overreacted, perhaps you caught him a bad time.

I also say things like this to DH, about the hunky UPS guy, he KNOWS it is a joke and that even if the UPS guy would have me I would not even consider it.

You are reading too much into it, the situation got out of hand and you both said things that you now regret.

Put the kids to bed this evenign, open a bottle of wine, TV off, MN off and have good chat with him.

[beaniesteve]

Well... you say...

"He says it has never been a question of his trust for me, but he initially tried to turn the joke on me, and it back fired, and now he can see how upset I am over it, he realises this was the wrong thing to do. He want's us to calm down, forget, move on, but I don't think I can"

I really think you need to accept his apology.

[AngharadGoldenhand]

Maybe he's actually a bit fed up with the long-running joke and this time it caught him on a bad day etc.

[zazen]

I hope everything works out for you all - I'm another miserable auld cow here and my free advice (and worth the price) is that you address some issues in your relationship, and go to a counselor.

Why do you make jokes about running off with another man? Why does he threaten to not come home? What was the shouting on the phone about really?
Why is it OK for him to be horrible to you because he's insecure and having a shite day? Why so you feel that 'you were in the wrong' and that explains and excuses his bad behaviour?
Do you get the same leway? It is OK for someone to put their foot in it without a shouting match ensuing.

I would contact your local marriage guidance counselor and have a little session or two - just as a relationship tune up - where you can express where you think you're going with your lives and how much you mean to each other - a relationship MOT.

I wouldn't worry about it today, but I would think about why these patterns occur - you saying you're off with someone else, and him saying he's not coming home - what are you really playing at?

[BrownSuga]

DH and I got in a huge row the other week because I jokingly threw a wee bit of water on him as he was doing the dishes (he is always squirting us with the squirty thing when he irons). He went off his nut, then kept it going.

In the end, when he apologised for going off on one, he said he KNEW he'd over reacted, but couldn't back down (saving face?) so escalated it.

Maybe that's what has happened here. Both say sorry, and forget about it.