DH has an addiction to chat lines.

[fedupandisolated]

Hello MNers - hope people have some advice on what I can do...

My husband of 8 years confessed 5 months ago that he had an addiction to chatlines. He had to confess in the end as the phone bill is in my name and having swapped to Tiscali because I thought they would be cheaper I suddenly noticed the bills increasing badly. They are now between £70 and £100 a month and DH doesn't seem able to stop.

I have posted before about how isolated I feel in this area (3 hours drive away from my nearest family) and all this has made me feel increasingly insecure - to the extent that I have just been offered a job in the town where my parents and sister live. DH is utterly furious with me as I applied for the job without discussing it with him properly.
However, I have got it and I am going to take it. DH actually wants to stay here in Somerset and is prepared to let me go back with our 5 year old alone. I actually would not be alone as I will initially move in with my Mum and Dad while I apply for housing.

I am actually really hurt and shocked by his chatline thing and I cannot cope with it to be honest. We had a long talk last night which ended in him crying and saying it was all his fault I was going. I ended up just feeling sorry for him. He wants our marriage to continue (albeit with me and DS 200 mkiles away) and says it's not worth breaking up over something like this chat line addiction. He told me last night that he has had this problem for 20 years nearly.

I am even more angry because I pay all the bills. He is self employed and so it makes sense for me to pay the bills as I have the steady income - however, it does mean that once I take the bills into account there is often not a great deal left over for me. DH puts petrol in my car (regularly) and I use any left over money to add to that and do some food shopping. However, he does not have to contribute to the monthly bills so is supposed to do all the big ones like car repairs and paying for the heating oil. I am increasingly fed up with the huffing and puffing he does if I need money and things are tight.

This month's phone bill is £100 that I can ill afford. DH says he will replace the money but at the moment work is tight so it may be a while before he can.

I am planning a complete financial break from him so that once I go to my parents he will have to pay the rent, council tax, electricity etc etc - he will also have to apply for rent allowance and council tax relief as his income last year was still only £8000 despite the business now having run for 4 years. I just feel that I have carried him for long enough.

I feel really bad that I am uprooting DS from his Reception class in a lovely school to move 200 miles away. DH says I am not thinking of DS but I am - I am just as worried about how he will cope with the change. Am I doing the right thing?

I think I am because I cannot bear being with DH at present and I think this is a break we both need to reflect and take stock before moving forwards to a future - if we have one.

Any advice welcome.

[Saturn74]

Wow - you really do have a lot of stress going on in your life.

It sounds like the chat-line addiction is a symptom of lots of other things, but in the short term you can change your telephone to incoming calls only.

Would your DH speak to his GP about getting some counselling for his addiction.

Would you both consider going to relate?

Perhaps a break would do you both good, but moving 200 miles away from each other is an awfully big step.

I think the fact that he is not prepared to move to be with his child is very telling.

I hope you work something out that makes you all happy.

[eeewahwoowah]

It sounds from your post that the core problem is the fact that you feel isolated and unhappy in your location. It also sounds like you may have fallen out of love with your husband. The chat line thing seem secondary.

I think you are best leaving and seeing what a little distance does.

[fluffyanimal]

So sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if I can offer much advice, probably only sympathy. I think that any addictive behaviour causes problems in relationships, but reading between the lines I'm guessing that there were problems under the surface anyway? Do you think there are issues with you being the main breadwinner? i was struck by how you said your dh cried and blames himself for you moving away - that made him sound quite weak, as if he is prepared to acknowledge his problems but not take responsibility for them. Do you think he might feel like you are the one doing everything for the family and he has nothing to contribute?

I'm also wondering why he can't come with you to the new place - if he is self-employed could he not do the same thing there?

Anyway it certainly sounds like you've come to a crunch point in your relationship. I'm guessing that your DH has lost respect for himself and that must make it hard for you to respect him too - it sounds like he needs to find a way to get his self-respect back. Maybe being forced to be financially self-reliant would be good for him.

I hope you can keep talking through all of this and that you find a way to resolve it. Would you consider Relate?

Good luck.

[eeewahwoowah]

It's not always easy for self-employed people to move from place to place, it depends on what their business is. My bil is self-employed but he couldn't move away from where he lives because all of his core business is done in the area/region he lives.

[fedupandisolated]

DH travels all over the country so could live anywhere. The bulk of his work is in the region of the country I'll be moving to.

You are right in saying there are problems under the surface with us - I have no libido at all (due to past history of sexual abuse) and anti-depressants which made the problem worse. Agree that it is very telling that he is prepared to let us go alone.

Main problem is that he hates the place I want to move to - where we both gtrew up and doesn't want to go back. He would rather continue living in Somerset and see us go than give up his West Country dream.

[lizziemun]

Not sure i can add anythink other then he has to grow up and see sense.

We all have dreams (I would love to live in a house in devon/cornwall. But we can not afford to so it will have to wait). Perhaps when he is paying all the bills he will see that he has to compromise (sp) as to where he/you live as a family.

[pol27]

I feel for you!

I can totally sympathise. OH was addicted to porn on net which then has progressed into sex shows (live), searching for escorts and 'swingers' sites. I am SURE he has had sex with some of them too.

I understand how lonely it can be away from home ~ I moved to Essex from Leicestershire and it has made me so sad that my our two DC's habve to go through all the crap their dad decides to lump on us.

OH won't go/let us go which annoys me because it would be so much easier if he cut all ties. ATM I feel like the bad guy wanting to end it (with good reason I might add).

All I can say is that if you are this sad it's not good for your DS. He needs a happy and healthy mum to care for him and if thats you at home with love and support of parents and family so be it. Maybe when you are happier things would come along abit more??

[fedupandisolated]

Thanks Pol - not sure where you are in Essex but that is where we are moving to from Somerset.
The sex addiction thing is just total crap isn't it? I don't think my DH is meeting anyone he contacts - he swears on his and everybody elses life that he isn't. I believe him as he has never been that sort of man. However, I just cannot cope with it any longer.

He is sad that we are going - but not sad enough to follow us.

Interestingly he says he won't be able to cope down here without us for very long and thinks he'll end up having to move back to Essex as a result. I have noted that he hasn't said "because I will want to be with you and DS" - just that "I'll move back because I'll HAVE to".

[hk78]

oh no not another one

sorry for you going through this, fedupandisolated.

this is such a common problem now, some men use it just to avoid everything else ime.

sorry nothing better to add

hope you can find a solution