Is it ever acceptable for a mother to leave the children when separating

[yellowmellow]

I have posted here just recently about my situation, dh and i separating after several years of barren marriage because I met someone else. We have two ds 15 and 12. The situation is that our marriage is over and I don't want to be with dh in future, I would have left before but stayed for boys. I don't want to live with this new person for all sorts of reasons and I would set up home by myself I do work and could get a house and would want the boys to come with me but dh wants them to stay in family home which he would keep and is the only home the boys have ever known. Problem is ds1 is completely devastated at the split, he has had a really stable and happy upbringing and sees me leaving as the end of the world. Both DS and DH know about new partner and are all equally devastated about it. DH suggested I stay in the family home for next few years, living separately (i have moved into spare room) and keep the family together and to enable him to keep his job which he values. He says he would have to give it up if i left, to look after boys. My dilemma is this - with work and being at home all weekends, I have always looked after the home and family 24/7 I would never see my new partner - and DS1 and DH have made it clear I can't see new partner while living at home.

So what do I do - I don't want to leave boys and would gladly take them with me but I think everyone is agreed it is best for them to stay with their father but I can see my life becoming a half life like this - has anyone had a similar situation?

[edam]

Why on earth is everyone operating on the assumption that you have to leave and dh gets the kids? Why can't dh leave?

So you have a new partner, this does not make you the bad guy or an unfit mother.

Do NOT take this idea of staying in the house with dh seriously. He's trying to control you - keep you where he can see you and keep you apart from new partner. Madness.

[bubblesbabe]

Poor you - what a tricky situation. I may be wrong but it sounds to me as though you are being manipulated into carrying on as normal but with separate bedrooms here. If you are being told that you cannot see new partner etc.. you need to think long and hard if it is the life you want. Kids get used to changes and to marriages breaking down and I would encourage them to be positive and maintain a strong relationship with you both although living away from their dad for some of the time.

[colditz]

Leave and make it very clear the children are free to come with you. They are old enough to choose. They aren't babes in arms.

[yellowmellow]

edam DH gets to stay because I met someone else although we had no sex in our marriage for several years, we had just carried on for easiest. I supppose it was inevitable one of us would meet someone else, it happended to be me. DS1 and DH says it would be totally disrespectful to them to carry on seeing new partner as it would be too hurtful for them

[yellowmellow]

colditz - bubbles - I still think 12 is very young and am very panicked about leaving him although he doesn't have the devestated attitude of his teenage brother - do you think it is easier because they are older

[Carmenere]

Tell dh to leave as your marriage is over and it is nothing to do with him who you see. Tell DS1 that he doesn't get to dictate who you see.

[hecate]

No. Your husband doesn't get to stay for that reason. there's no law that says that is so!!! Stay in the house with the kids. Make him leave. See a solicitor - you have the right to stay in the family home until the kids are 18 or something.

[yellowmellow]

carmenere, brave words, he would never leave the house and so I have no option. He says it is only place boys have every known as thier home and its not fair. Also if boys stay there and I leave the house wouldn't be sold I would never be able to get my own place where I could have them even if i wanted. Any judge in the land won't sell a family house if there are kids in it. Its just that its usually the man that leaves, and thats what makes this story a bit different. Also I feel desperate not to make ds1 unhappy - dh has pointed out already that all this is about me being selfish at the expense of everyone else and I do feel very guilty and miseerable

[neighbour]

I live in the same house as my husband, but have had another "partner" for two and a half years.

I spend a small part of each week with my partner, but most of the week at home with my children.

My husband travels a lot for work, so we don't see much of each other and are therefore able to alternate with childcare.

(My children are much smaller than yours, by the way. And though they know and like the other man, they're too young yet to understand the situation, and they assume I'm away for work. They're used to my absences, just as they're used to their father traveling for work.)

It's not a perfect solution and causes me a lot of grief. I feel so guilty about being away from children for part of each week and also sadness that my life is so complicated and that there's no way (given the specifics of my situation) to make it any less complicated.

At least my husband is 100% cooperative. Your situation, on the other hand, sounds extremely difficult given your husband's and son's reaction. Could you not spend part of each week with your new partner? Can there be a compromise? Until the boys are more independent?

[yellowmellow]

hecate - i think it will be him who stays in the house with boys till they are 18 because i am guilty party. I don;t think anything would make him leave he says Ive made my bed and mus tlie on it also he gives me the choice to stay but live separately so can't see any reason for him to leave
Should I just stay for the boys and all the upheaval and misery it will cause. I am terrified they will feel abandoned and it will affect the rest of their lives - they are at such a vulnerable age - at least if they were babies it would be easier I could pick them up and take thme with me but they have their own thoughts and opinions although they are too young to deal with all of this I feel so mixed up and sad

[yellowmellow]

oh neighbour thank god to find someone in same situation, i felt like only person in world this had ever happened to - my only difference is that the boys are old enought to understand what is going on and DS1 for sure has said he won't forgive me for seeing this other man - that is what is at the heart of what is killing me

[yellowmellow]

And neighbour - does your new relationship work ok on this part time basis ? My dh has says my new relationship has no chance of surviving as we won't be able to live a normal life anyway, given my responsibilities to our ds and I can see how this is true if I can't see him in week due to work and at weekends due to dh and ds1

[Carmenere]

Guilty party or the one brave enough to admit the relationship is dead?
You could actually just change the locks when he is out and leave all his stuff in bags on the step. Remind him of this. You have rights to, courts actually don't care who is morally right.

[yellowmellow]

Carmen, the courts always award whoever has the kids, and I don't see how I can make dh move out, I don;t think I could pack his bags btw!

[yellowmellow]

and carmen - how can I tell DS1 I will see new partner without totally alienating him

[Carmenere]

You could actually pack his bags and change the locks and go to court, you would have the kids. I'm not saying you should but many women before you have and he is feeling just a bit too smug for my liking.
You need to get legal advice asap. You don't have to give up your dc's just because you fell in love with someone else and their dad wants you to.

[GrapefruitMoon]

In answer to your original question, I think children often blame the parent who leaves -and find it hard to forgive them, whatever the circumstances.... maybe more so if it's the mother? Know of someone who did this due to DV and found it hard to rebuild a relationship with her dcs in spite of leaving due to the circumstances being entirely justifiable....

I am a bit that your dh claims he would have to give up his job to look after your children if you leave... yet you manage to work and do most of the childcare/housework!

It would seem to make more sense for you to stay and your dh to move out if that is the case. Is there anyone who could mediate between you - I appreciate your dh is probably very hurt and so not feeling like being reasonable at the moment...

[Carmenere]

I suspect his dad is doing the typical and very wrong thing of saying 'your mum is leaving us' as opposed to "your mum is splitting up with me".
You need to get your dh to realise that he will hurt his children by peddling this lie. Your ds has to learn that parents can split up and still love them, irrespective of who else they might have a relationship with.

[yellowmellow]

Yes grapefruit, you are right he is hurting, although he recognised all the problems we had as a couple and took responibility, he can't believe Ive found someone else because we had been together since we were kids. It will take a lot of getting used to for us all

[foxythesnowman]

A friend of mine is in a situation a bit like yours, she moved out, her XH bought her out of the family home and she has now bought her new place, some miles away.

However, they have managed to work it so they share their two boys - they spend half of the week with him, half with her. Her working hours (she works near the family home) have been adjusted so she can drop them back to the old home, the childminder gets them ready and off to school, then she can collect them at pick-up, or the childminder collects if its XH having them. They are 6 and 5, but seem to have come out fairly unscathed so far.

At first I thought it was madness, but they made it work. And that's my point I think, there might be a more creative solution that can work for you both and that the children might get their heads around too.

Good luck.

[hecate]

You can take him to court to make him leave. It's about custody. you just need to get divorced get full custody and you CAN make him leave. Or you can leave with the kids.

Your question though - is it ever acceptable for a mother to leave the children - I would answer yes. It is. If the father having custody is better for the children. Because it's about what's best for the kids, isn't it?

BUT your thinking is screwed, frankly. Because you CAN stay in the house with them - and it seems for you, it's all around who gets to stay in the house with them and you've convinced yourself you have no right to stay in the house but YOU'RE WRONG!!!!

If you weren't the best parent for them to be with, that's different. If their father could raise them better, if you were unstable, that's all different...but this is about a house.

You can sort a house. You can use the law.

I only know that they would have to prise my kids from my cold dead fingers and I see no reason why you should be bullied into leaving when clearly you don't want to.

So you had an affair. That was wrong. But right here right now ---- so fucking WHAT? Big whoopdie-do. That's got NOTHING to do with LEGAL matters if you are a fit parent.

It sounds like he is in your ear, manipulating you "you've made your bed" and all that shite, and you need to stop, turn round and fight.

[yellowmellow]

Carmen thanks for that about splitting up with dh not ds1. Thats what it feels like , DS1 has said i'm choosing my new partner over HIM, and i can see his point of view although of course is isn;t the caswe

[fiona76]

My DH's mum left him and his sisters with their dad when he was 10. They continued to live in the family home and his mum lived with his now step dad. It was pretty devastating for everyone but the kids would stay with her in holidays. They all get on well now and everyone is fine but it was not an easy situation. I think his mum and dad made it as easy as poss on the kids. Its not fair for your DH to guilt trip you like that especially as your marriage was dead.
Can you sit and talk with DH and say that you need to come to a compromise that will be better for all of you not just him. Your DS know that you aren't happy and they will find it hard but will adjust. Remember that in a few years they will be out on their own and you could be on your own if you don't start new life now.

[Carmenere]

Agree with Hecate, get angry and get legal advice, you are being manipulated by someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

[yellowmellow]

hecate thank you for saying that it is about the house. I think DH has made me see it like that, also because I feel so much in the wrong because i met someone else. And DH and my parents and his parents and everyone is saying how can i do this to the family and why is everything about me and how can i be so cold, until I want to scream. I actually just sit there and listen to it, knowing theres nothing I can do to change it. I actually said to dh, well its done now ( having met someone and told everyone which was horrendous in itself) what can i do about it and he said this is all about choices and you are making choices for you and leaving everyone else with none. Which did my head in and it is all this which is giving me the mindset ive got. He believes this should never have happened to us, and feels I should stay and face up to what ive done. Trouble is I can't stay with him as I don;t love him and haven;t done for some years. Having met someone else has just prompted me into aciton