how many years would i get for murdering my MIL - with mitigating circumstances!

[scummybusrider]

have name changed for this, but my MIL is DOING MY HEAD IN. me and dh have had a tough 2008 so far, my dad has lung cancer, our cat died, dh had lump removed from face - possible skin cancer and the big concern to us is dh having huge work problems and might lose his job.

my dd will be 6 months old in march when i will be returning to work. She is only grandchild to both sets of parents.

due to possibility of dh having no job, i am reluctantly going back to work full-time (was planning on part-time) and have taken my car off the road to save up in case of financial crisis. TBH i am enjoying the financial freedom of not running a car and travelling by bus esp in rush hour traffic is actually quite appealing.

Anyway, MIL wants to look after dd once or twice per week to help us out. BUT she "simply can't" meet me at a bus stop to hand over dd. She thinks it is "totally unreasonable" for me to ask, and "all her friends" think it is appalling and that i should drop dd at her house and pick her up. She said "but it's not what i had planned"

There are many reasons why it is not possible for me to drop dd to her and collect her, the main one being i dont have a car at the moment and she doesnt live on a bus route.

MIL does not work, drives, gets up at 5am and spends the day doing very little. she says she desperately wants to look after dd but refuses to meet me at a bus stop for handover.

i am very tempted to either murder her, or tell her to sod off and dd will go into nursery. AIBU?

[RubySlippers]

LOL at "not what i had planned"!

I think any judge would look favourably on you

sounds like you are having a tough time of it

TBH though i would be looking at putting your DD into full time care with a childminder or nursery - less stressful than a family member IMO and you know exactly where you stand

[DualCycloneCod]

you ask fo rhlep
you haev to take it when you are getting it

[indiechick]

YANBU but definately put child in nursery/childminder, cuts out any problem with grandparents.

[micegg]

If she drives why can't she just come to your house to look after DD as surely you will have enogh running about to do just getting to work?

[Habbibu]

Cod, I get the impression that the OP hadn't asked for help, but rather the MIL wanted to look after the baby. In which case I think you're right to be fed up.

[scummybusrider]

i certainly hadn't asked for help - i'd rather cut out my tongue but i had no relationship with my gp - because of distance, so i would love dd to have a good relationship with both sets of gp, as its something i always envied in other kids. i thought i was being quite generous saying that she could have dd any day any time and do whatver she wanted (within reason!) with her, as not many people i know would trust their PIL with their pfb!! obviously not only am i completely unreasonable, but i have the cheek to use public transport [said in hushed tones]

micegg - god knows, its something i ask myself regularly (we are only a 15 minute drive away - against the rush hour traffic) but she wont even come and see us at the weekend. The other weekend when all this stress hit us at once, dh spoke to his dad who said "what can we do to help?" dh said "it would be great if you could come to us to see dd so we don't have to bust a gut coming to you as usual" his dad agreed to speak to his mum. 2 hours later we get a call from MIL saying "would you like to come for lunch" . i just passed the phone to her son and sat back....

rubyslippers i almost laughed when she said that too!! if i hadnt been so gobsmacked i probably would have.

[scummybusrider]

does that mean i'd be out in 9 months? might just be worth it. Am off to polish my machete

[catsmother]

Okay, she "desperately" wants to look after DD, she has no work commitments, she drives, so what exactly is wrong with her meeting you at a bus stop (here, I have visions of her Lady Bracknell-stylee saying "a busssss stoppppp" ??????)

Seriously, does she suffer from agrophobia ? ...... in which case, would DD ever get any fresh air, be taken to the park or whatever ?

Or does she think bus-stops are "common" or something ?

I can't believe she would otherwise want you to run a car you can't really afford (with DH's job in jeopardy) so DD can be bought to her doorstep. Presumably, the drive, or walk, from her house to said bus-stop isn't huge ..... yet when you need to get to work in the morning would mean that you'd otherwise have to spend an extra xxx minutes doing the round journey ?

[CarGirl]

I guess you just state to her what a shame she isn't able to help out after all as you've found a child minder who is en route to work.

If she is this difficult about having your dd I really wouldn't use her for childcare I think it will get worse.

[cornsilk]

Why can't she pick up your dd from your house then? She sounds like a nightmare.

[scummybusrider]

oh yes, bus stops are common and were said in exactly that way catsmother!

however she has just phoned not only offering to have dd, but have her for 2 consecutive days plus an overnight, to reduce the number of bus stop journeys!!!! WTF?

i spoke with her about one particular bus stop as it has a car park attached which would mean she's not going to have to walk far (this was a big oncern of hers, god knows why!) but she doesnt like that bus stop because "on the way home the bus would stop on the other side of the road and i'm not prepared to cross the road with dd she is too precious"!!!!! (what NEVER cross a road with her ?!

she doesnt have agoraphobia but they do rarely go out, but their garden is huge with wild deer etc which visit and it would be only 2 days per week which would help us massively.

And i DO trust her with dd. For the moment that is!

[CarGirl]

well that does sound a compromise as your MIL is off the hook, she obviously does have a bus stop phobia but she is clearly prepared to adjust her expectations to accomodate you to an extent

[scummybusrider]

my machete will have to go back in the shed [sigh]

but dh will be relieved

[bran]

Would you let your dd stay overnight? I don't think I'd be that thrilled to have ds away overnight on a regular basis.

TBH it doesn't sound as though she wants to put herself out at all. Do you think she's the kind of person who might cancel at the last minute, leaving you in the lurch, because something better came up?

It might not save all that much money for you anyway. Nurseries often charge more per day if you're not putting your child in for the whole week, as they might not be able to fill the other days. When my ds was at nursery a full week was the same charge as 4 individual days.

[MrsMacaroon]

Your MIL sounds like an angel compared to mine- my DD is 2 and she's never ever offered any kind of help, babysitting, days out, anything! She lives a 2 minute walk away and is constantly looking after her other GD, just to add insult to injury. Not trying to make you feel bad- just to help put it in perspective. Your MIL sounds weird though!

[DualCycloneCod]

learn to divre

[GoodGollyMissMolly]

Just a thought but if your DH does unfortunately loose his job why can't he look after DD while you are at work?

[Twiglett]

well actually I think your MIL has a point .. she is childcaring for you .. you drop your child off at hers .. she might not want to be dressed by the time you go to work .. you would be making her get up earlier than planned

you are lucky to have someone who is willing to give you free childcare .. you could take the £40 - £50 a day you'd be paying in nursery fees and get a taxi to and from her house if you think about it

.. that said, I'm not surprised you're a little peeved but looking at both sides .. it's up to you to deliver and collect if she is not willing to come out

[Twiglett]

hanging around a bus stop waiting for a bus to arrive come wind, rain or snow

not my idea of fun

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Slight over reaction to want to murder her but it is a bit strange she is discussing your plans with her friends. If she won't or can't do it you are a bit stuck I think. Hope you work it out and this year is better from now on.

[Habbibu]

Yeah, but Twig, she could sit in a warm car in the car park next to the bus stop. And she wants to look after the child - OP hasn't asked at all. And OP says MIL gets up at 5am. I should imagine she'll be dressed...

[nametaken]

Can't your dh take dd over after all they are his parents?

[RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife]

Nametaken is right. Why can't your DH do it?

[scummybusrider]

hello, thanks for all your replies.

cod i can drive, did you not read my post?

MIL will certainly be up and dressed by 5:30 each day as she always is, and in an ideal world i'd be there with dd dropping her off and picking her up, but as said its not an ideal world, and the costs of putting car on road plus petrol, running etc are same as nursery (only £30 per day where we are) and nursery is a lot less hassle and saves on arguments

and i'll always get same bus so she wont have to wait long, the buses are very regular and seem to be reliable so she shouldnt be waiting for me for too long unles she wants to.

dh having work problems - boss having nervous breakdown and firing staff left right and centre - dh doing all he can to get in early, and really i think that take priority cos without his job, we REALLY are stuffed!! but he is now fighig the battles because i've had enough

hopefully its all resolved - for now....

mrs macaroon, that would make me so but at least you save yourself the arguments