My elderly mum is becoming unwell and forgetful - need advice on the first steps to take towards getting her help

[sandyballs]

She's nearly 81 and has always been fit and active with a bright mind. The last few months she has gone downhill, constantly exhausted and having terrible night sweats which the doctor puts down to high cholesterol . She forgets things she has said and loses things around the house and outside. She can't be bothered or doesn't feel able to cook for herself so lives on sandwiches, chocolate and the odd banana. She keeps herself clean and tidy but her house is becoming a mess, which she doesn't seem to see. From what I can gather her finances are also in a bit of state.

I do what I can - I only live 30 minutes drive away - but I work 3 long days a week and have two 6 year old daughters. It's not possible for her to live with me.

I really think it's getting to the stage where she either needs someone to go in on a daily basis and help clean/cook or she needs to go into some type of sheltered accommodation.

But in her mind she is still a feisty independent lady who doesn't want to admit that she's reached this stage and needs help. I suggested something like meals on wheels (not sure if that still exists?) and she exploded at me, saying she wouldn't let them in!! When I suggested sheltered accommodation she said she hopes it doesn't get to that, she'd rather just go to bed one evening and not wake up .

I'm worried about her and feel guilty that I can't give her more attention and care. I intend to go there for the day on Saturday and blitz the cleaning and take her out for lunch, but that is only short-term, it'll soon be back to how it was.

[nailpolish]

you need to go with her and speak to the gp
he will refer to district nurse, social worker, home help service, meals on wheels, get any aids she needs (like bath aids) etc

ar eyou in scotland? everyone is entitled to free personal care here. in england i think it depends on circ

OR you could go straight to social work

hth

[bozza]

Sounds to me like she could do with a cleaner and also maybe some sort of homecare. I'm not sure how you go about setting the wheels in motion to sort this, or persuading your Mum to accept it.

Could you cook extra when you are cooking for your own family and feeze the individual portions?

[sandyballs]

No, not in Scotland, London. What if she refused to come with me to the GP, would he be willing to speak to me on my own, on her behalf? I mentioned to her about going back to the GP about these night sweats and exhaustion but she doesn't want me to get involved with that, let alone anything else.

[nailpolish]

im not sure where gps stand on these issues - i think they differ

it owuld do no harm to phone her gp AND social services

they will have dealt with these problems before

good luck, i know its difficult

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

As well as contacting her GP I would also speak to Age Concern and Help the Aged as they can be helpful in such circumstances.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

sandyballs,

I note your Mum said she would not let the Meals on Wheels people in. Do you think she would not let these people in?. I would also agree with your assessment of her that she is too proud to want to accept outside help.

Phone Social Services by all means but be prepared for a long and hard fight to actually get the help your Mum requires. They will quite likely offer you the barest minimum in terms of service provided both in terms of home helps (they can range from the very good to the could not care less) and on a wider level residential care.

[sandyballs]

Thanks for replies. I will look into all this.

Attila - I think she probably would refuse to let meals on wheels in the house. She can be very stubborn. This is why it's going to be so difficult to sort her out, she needs to accept that she needs it.

[happynappies]

I'm not really sure what the answer is. My grandparents are in their mid-80's and are getting increasingly worse mentally and physically. Grandad has Parkinson's, and I think my Nan has the beginings of Alzheimer's. My Mum works full-time, yet has to be round at their house every day at least twice to ensure they eat and take their medication. House a complete state, chaos daily. They are too proud to accept external help. They were assessed by Social Services, but basically convinced them they didn't need help even though they can't use the oven at right temperature, can't put milk back in the fridge etc. They refuse meals on wheels, refuse cleaner etc. Plus, Nan is spending literally hundreds of pounds each week on 'scam' letters as she is convinced she has won e.g. the Australian lottery, and keeps sending off cheques. Even though my parents have applied for Power of Attorney it doesn't actually mean that they can do anything about it. Sorry for the long post, but basically I sympathise hugely - I think the more honest you can be with your mum about what you can and can't do the better, and any help that she might accept on a 'trial' basis go with... it is a terrible situation to be in.

[sandyballs]

God, that sounds awful Happynappies, sending off money for scam letters. It's so sad to see them deteriorate like this isn't it.

Another thing that strikes me, from a purely selfish point of view, is that many of you in this thread have mentioned its your grandparents being a similar age and in a similar situation, which I also find in real life. Most of my friends parents are in their early 60's, fit and active and enjoying life and their grandchildren (although I accept that isn't always the case at any age). It seems harder for me to deal with when my own family is so young.
Surely this is going to be more and more familiar with women leaving kids to a later age. My mum was 41 when she had me which was fairly unusual then, but not now.

[nailpolish]

meals on wheels dont have to sit there while she eats

they will deliver them and she can prepare them herslef (ie stick in oven)

they dont have to come in the house - i actually think some of them deliver the whole week at once if there is room in the fridge/freezer

[scootermum]

Would she maybe accept meals that are delivered to her that she can warm up herself...there are some services, Apetito is one in London that will deliver really healthy meals to elderley people that they can warm up themselves in the microwave..(could she do this?)They will drop a weeks supply in at once..that way the person can still decide what they want to eat,and when and retain some independence but you know they are getting something decent..Obviously you have to pay for it though..

Lots of my people have them at work..and they arent that bad at all..(I manage a big Extra Care service for older people in North London)

Depending on what London borough you are in you can self refer to Social S's, or you will need to go through the GP as has already been said..

Would your Mum consider say, a weeks respite care somewhere..might act as a taster session and if she liked it she might then start to think about sheltered housing?(this worked for my Grandad who was determined not to ever leave his house, and who eventually moved into sheltered housing successfully-but it did take about 3 years for him to come round to the idea)

I do feel for you though..its so worrying..

[nailpolish]

sandyballs. my mum looked after her disabled sister for years. she ws in a wheelchair which made it difficult for her to cook at hob etc

mum used to make big batches of hotpot, soup, etc etc and put in individual portions for the oven to heat up

her sister refused a home help but agreed to a privately arranged cleaner, she got money towards this instead of a home help iyswim

she got a great flat in sheltered housing that was 50% ownership 50% rent to council - so it kind of flet like it was her own home. she had stuff like the alarm in each room, and if the floor wasnt walked on for a certain number of hours someone would check on her etc etc. it had a lift, etc

sadly mums sister died on boxing day. mum works full time but she still feels lost after work not having her sister to go into check on

[nailpolish]

i dont know why i wrote that last sentence there. very sorry.

[sandyballs]

That's exactly what would suit mum nailpolish - independence but somewhere there if needed.

Sorry to hear your mum's sister died. Don't apologise for writing that.

Scootermum - she is in South West London/Surrey. Kingston Borough. I'll look into that.

Fio, those gourmet meals sound good. I know she very occasionally heats up those God awful Birds Eye roast dinners.

I might do a bit more of my own cooking and freeze it for her, like bozza said. She's very fussy though.

[clouded]

Sandy balls, I can imagine how worrying this is for you, but if your mum isn't in any danger, does it really matter if her house is messy or she lives on bananas?
I only say this because my mum became much the same and I think it left me feeling guilty as if I wasn't doing enough for her (I did what I could). What she wanted most from me I think was just the company and to feel loved.
I'm not suggesting you leave her to live in absolute squalor of course, more to be less hard on yourself.

[sandyballs]

Thanks for that clouded, I think you might be right you know. She's always quite down and depressed when we arrive (me and the girls), usually in bed, but when we leave she is like a different person.

[bellabelly]

Can she / you afford a cleaner to come once a week? Might not be a "pride" issue then - lots of people including young ones pay for a cleaner to come and clean/iron? (Also it would be extra company for her) The food issue is tricky - my gran completely went off eating and even though mum got meals on wheels sorted for her, she didn't actually eat the meals. Very sad but i think lots of elderly people do seem to lose interest in food and if she is actually eating her bananas, sandwiches etc, I'd probably leave it at that tbh. If it becomes a big issue in her mind, she might go off eating altogether.

[lucyellensmum]

I think you should definately go along to GP, there are drugs available that can slow down the progression of certain types of dementia significantly.

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

She needs an assessment by an social services occuptational therapist. A GP appointment would be helpful as a first step but phone SS straight away too because there is likely to be a little wait and by the time you get the appointment (the OT will come to your mums house; you need to arrange to be there too) you will then have info from the GP to hand.

They will work with you and your mum re the type of help that could be provided for her to stay as independent as possible which may include many of the things already suggested, such as a cleaner, meal on wheels, grab rails etc and/ or daily visits from carers. If you decide on a care package they are very individualised; my dad started with just one lady a day calling, to cook him a hot meal at lunch time.

The package gets updated through assessment regularly or you can ring if/when she needs more help.

Carers can go shopping/collect money/pay bills etc.

How this is paid for will depend on your mums finances. She may have to pay all or just part of a monthly SS bill.

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Sandyballs, carers calling also helps with depression - it did with my dad; he always had people coming in to talk to during the say. Even though I went daily, he still go down and depressed. It does open up elderly peoples' world a bit more again even though they may initially balk at having any help of this kind.

Clouded, people shouldn't try to live on a diet of mainly bananas, especially the elderly.

[clouded]

No you're probably right, shiny. I didn't mean it literally; more that snacking on a bit of this and that is what the elderly often prefer.

I think that sometimes we can focus on the practical because of the sadness of seeing a person (parent) age and deteriorate.

In my own case, I wish I had stopped trying to get my mother to do the things I thought were good for her. It just led to frustration on my part and the unhappiness on hers.

Of course, I'm not advocating neglect and you are quite right to say that a carer calling in can help with depression.

It's so hard when the roles are reversed isn't it, especially when you are trying to be a mother to young children at the same time?

[nailpolish]

sandyballs, are there any clubs for elderly people nearby? lunch clubs, etc. some even have a bus to come and collect.

i hope you get something sorted soon

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